Snake: … *is speechless from being peeved*
akai: ^^;; Stop looking at me like that… please?...

I'm sorry everyone, that this took so long. I had really intended to get these two chapters out sooner, but I've been caught up in life. These two chapters go especially well together, so I figured I should release them at the same time. The real reason, though is that I had a really bad time writing chapter 4, as it was being bad and resisted completion. But it's finally done!

Snake: Get on with it. No one wants to hear your excuses.

akai: hai... -_-;;

Shounenainotenshi
This is the best MG fic I have ever read, PWP excluded. I began reading it at, of course, Metal Gear Slash (the best website ever! ^-^).Anyway, it's so sad, just as I imagined SXO to be. I hope you update soon (3-4 months soon), lol.

Can I multiply that 3-4 months by 3?... ^^;; Sorry this fic's been on hold for so long. Hope it was worth the wait!

And while I agree that MGSlash is the best, I could hardly say that for my own fic... ^^;; But I'm glad you think it's good ^_^

Valentine Angel
... Chapter 3 is wonderful. But after all the time you spent on it, I wasn't expecting anything less ;)

It's awfully sad. And I don't think you need to justify the events of the chapter at all in your notes. Snake's body would be a pretty big prize for the Patriots...

... it's marvellous. Yes. I have 15 days until I can officially go to your house and NAG outside your door, so you better start typing now. >D Need more...!

Haha, your nagging paid off, as you got to beta-read, too bad I was so slow at fixing the stuff that needed fixing :( Thanks for all your support on this fic ^_^ *huggle*

CiyFox
This was soo good i acttualy started to cry, the pain that Hal, poor Hal had to go thorugh...and Dave, he finaly got his peace...

You are a realy fantastic writer. I hope that you wright more...

Thank you for writting this really touching story.

*blush* Thanks. I will write more, actually. There is a sequel planned. I hope you'll find it as good as this fic. --- singing my own praises now... -_-;;

It was a sad scene to write... I admit I did cry when I first planned it out in my head...

Dillon
Ouch, man. Ouch, ouch, ouch. But very well written. Obviously took you a lot of time and though, and it's very worth it.

Looking forward to chapter 4.

Dillon

Thanks for your complement. I hope you find chapters 4 and 5 to be a suitable conclusion...

Scarbie (chapter 2)
What?! How the heck did I miss this chapter?!

Damn, this chapter was so depressing. But very good. I liked the fact that Snake risked all to save Olga's child and not stop some random Metal Gear.

In response to your notes, I don't think that the boys sound too sappy. And you're not alone in being confused about that whole FoxDie thing. I'm like, does he have it or not. I'm positive that he was a 'carrier boy' but is this crap going to be the death of him? I don't know. It'll be bogus if it is.

Scarbie (chapter 3)
This chapter was really something else (and I thought the last chapter was depressing). So much pain. I'm glad that Snake is finally free. It's truly terrible that Hal had to lose him /twice/. It was touching (and I think completely in character) that despite the horrible things happening to him, Snake kept the child's safety as his number 1 priority.

I swear, with all the drama Hal and Dave have gone through for this child, she better not grow up to be a crackhead (or anything else bad).

"Do I seem like some sort of cruel sadist towards poor Otacon??"

Yes. Yes, you do. But I like ya anyway.

Great chapter and I'm looking forward to chapter 4.

O~i! Scarbie! Where'd ya go? I hope you'll be back someday... But in response to your comments, I'm glad you didn't think they were too sappy. I was trying to stay in character, and it would've sucked if I screwed it up on one little thing... :( And too bad MGS3 isn't going to be resolving that FoxDie issue... boo :P

Haha, as for Olga's kid, that's an issue for the sequel ^_^ You'll get to see how she turns out...

Hope you enjoy chapters 4 and 5~! ^_^

Holylance
Sick, Marginal, Suspense, bisexuality, this Fic is the Best!. What MGS4 Could be!.

Wow O.O really? That's a really high complement you're giving me there... Thanks~ =^.^= I just hope there is a MGS4... there's too many loose ends to tie up, and too many more Snake/Otacon scenes to be had ^_~

kimlore
This chapter was short compare to the rest.

But it made a bigger impact.

How could you do this to them?

Tell me this well have a happen ending please.

I can't wait for the next one.

True, it was a really short chapter, but yeah, I guess in the end, it's quality over quantity, right? As for how I could do this to them... ^^;;

I hope the concluding chapters were worth the wait... ^^;;

LadyLily1
LadyLily1: Oh Jothan, how could she do this to us?

Jothan: What?

LadyLily: Honestly, you should read the fics I give you. And my poor Otacon! Do you have any idea how much mental agony you put him through? Jothan: Well, I think it was fun. It proves that Otacon has no aiming-skills at all.

LadyLily: If you should shoot me after you got the chance of talking to me after my death, me, your one and only love, would you... *notices his evil grin* What, you sick...

Jothan: I just imagine you dead, naked body in a tank, a whole lot of scientists staring at you...

LadyLily1: That's not what this is about, you sick pervert! Sakura-chan, I'm gonna tell you something, too! Poor Otacon doesn't deserve any of this, I hope you know that! No friendly smile will get you outta this one, girlie!!

Jothan: I suggest you just calm down. Somehow deep down we're all kinda cruel and sadistic.

LadyLily1: Er... yeah. *looks at Sakura-chan with big, puppy eyes* Would you do the spell-check for my first Snake/Otacon Slash-Fic, then??

Jothan: Now that's...

LadyLily1: Oh, shut up.

Haha, sounds like you have a bit of a problem with Jothan, LadyLily ^_^;; ---continues to friendly smile... And sure, I'd love to spell-check your fic. I wonder, though, if I am a little too late -_-;; blast me and my slow update times!

Admiring Shadows
Ah! This is so good!
*sobs* Snake...

Admiring Shadows
I love this story...but it's so sad!

*sniffle* Snake...

Gee, thanks for reviewing me twice ^_^ I hope you'll still like this story once you get to the end... ^^;;

Shadowstar
Gee, I'm stupid... I thought I'd reviewed, and I just went back and realized that I haven't! Obviously, I hold your fanfic in the highest regard, or I wouldn't bug you to write it faster... :) This chapter especially draws out tears... were you crying when you wrote it? They always say that to get tears from your writers, you need tears on the keyboard...

Thanks, I really appreciate the review ^_^ Yes, this chapter was hard to plan out and write. When I write, I tend to see things in my mind, and envision the scenes like a movie first, so I was crying as I was letting the scene play out in my mind. As I was writing, it was also a little tough, but after I got the words down, the editing and tweaking of phrases kind of kept my mind off of how depressing the whole thing was ;_;

By the by, where've you been? Hiding out? ^_~

FrozenBlueIce
I've read this story before on Val Angel's site, but since I've now joined the bandwagon and got myself a ff.net account, I thought I'd make it a point to leave a review for her profile.

4 words for anyone reading these reviews: THIS STORY KICKS BUTT! It's a great idea, and very creative. *sniffles* Poor Otacon...

I mean seriously, Akai's a great writer. And, might I add, a Snake/Otacon 'shipper! *jumps excitedly, waving* Me too! :D I hope to see the rest of this fic soon.

Yay, welcome to FF.net! (6 months late... better late than never, right?...) Thanks for the promo ^_^ Hooray for SxO! I hope you enjoy the ending of this fic ^_^

So now, I present the concluding chapters, chapters 4 and 5! *Yay! akai does a little cheer* (and stupid FF.net is stripping all my coding for some strange reason... -_-;; sorry about the spacing in these last two chapters)

Indented, italicized bits are Otacon's entries.

Requisite disclaimer: By now, if you don't get the point that I don't own MGS or any of its characters, you're in sad need of help… -.-;;

What do you say to someone when you've just found out that they had to kill their lover...? For the first time in a long time, I don't know what to say. I'm definitely beginning to feel a pressure to finish reading. Maybe I'm just getting nervous over nothing. Maybe Otacon's alright, and he really is getting better. Maybe he really meant everything he said to me this afternoon. I have to stay calm. I have to continue reading. Screw work. Otacon's life may be in danger.

The Elevator Up to Hell
akaisakura

Chapter 4: Memories of Hal

The next journal, which seems to be the last journal, doesn't begin on January first like all their previous journals, but then again, I don't expect things to be the same from this point on. The entries also seem to be more scattered and less frequent. I just hope his journal entries'll help me understand his current state of mind. Before I call him, I have to understand everything. I can't jump to conclusions... I can't jump to conclusions...

January 17, 2011
It all keeps on replaying in my mind. I can't move on. All I can see is Dave, lying in front of me, on the ground, waiting for me to put that bullet into him. And then the pained look on his face as he tried to talk to me for the last time in a horrible twisted version of deja vu. But it wasn't deja vu. It had happened before. And that's what's so twisted. It shouldn't have happened before. He shouldn't have had to die twice. I dream of him every night, but every night, the dream ends the same way. And when I wake up, I am slapped by reality. It stings. It stings worse than it ever did. And every day, it gets worse and worse. When I made that promise to him, I thought I could carry on, but now I'm not so sure. I know the Patriots would love it if I would just die and go away, but I promised Dave I would carry on. I can't let the Patriots win this. But...

January 29, 2011
You weren't supposed to die. I had never allowed myself to entertain such a possibility... because you were never supposed to die. Aren't legends supposed to live forever?... Aren't they immortal?

But even if that were true, why do I know that deep down, I had always feared your death anyway?...

My mind is full of questions, but in the end, it all comes down to one.

Why?

Why did you die?... What did it accomplish?

Why did I screw up again... and make you die?...

February 9, 2011
I threw all my mechs in that box today. I can't take it anymore. Even they are reminding me of Dave. The first time I met him, I had talked about them, and even showed him some of them. And then, as time went on, and he moved in with me, I managed to convince him to help me put one together. He was really good at making them. I guess that's what superior hand-eye coordination does for you. It was definitely lots of fun to watch him as his face reflected such intense concentration. I tried to tell him that it doesn't have to be perfect his first time, but he wouldn't have it any other way. He really was a stubborn fool... but that's what I loved, no, love about him. I think I wrote all this before, but I don't care anymore. I miss him so much. I even miss those little cigarette butts he used to leave lying around. But I know that it's all my fault. No matter what anyone says, I know. Dave would have never left my side that day if I didn't screw up. Just like how I screwed up my sister's life. And how I caused my father to drown himself. And Wolf... Dave was right. Any time, any place... people can fall in love with each other. But... if you love someone, you have to be able to protect them... and I couldn't... four times over...

I stopped watching anime a while back too. Too many painful memories of how we would banter about the validity of anime as a form of entertainment, and how he would fuss if he had to sit down and watch one with me, even if deep down, he sort of liked it. Now, it's just too lonely without him there next to me.

And I don't even have any urge to meet anyone new. I don't think I can. Maybe it would be better if I was alone. I'd get less people killed that way.

May 20, 2011
I gave Dave's dogs away today. Dave's racing friends were nice enough to just accept them, no questions asked. Some of them asked about Dave and why he missed all the races this year, and I simply answered that he had passed away and left it at that. I just can't keep up with the dogs anymore and I can't race them. Also, I think they were missing their master since they hadn't seen Dave for a whole year now. A year is a long time in dog years. I could see it from the way they wandered restlessly around the kennel, or sleep long hours at a time. I think they know they will never see Dave again. Dogs are good at sensing things like that. They seem to not be reacting to much anymore either. I think they're a little like me in that way. We're a lot alike. I miss him too, and without something to occupy me, all I do is pace around or sit here swinging between sorrow and thoughtfulness, and maybe a little too much self-pity. But I don't dare go to sleep, because every time I do, I'm reminded of every wrong I've committed, ending with the last one that took everyone I love away from me, the one biggest sin of my life: creating REX. If I knew then that my naivete was going to kill so many people, I would have gladly turned down the job offer and created Philanthropy long ago.

The kennel is too bare now. Empty and lonely. Like my soul.

The next entries all look very contemplative. It looks like Otacon just poured everything he had out onto those pages. I don't know if I should read them all... I flip to a later date. Tearstains dot this page. I can feel the pain tearing at my heart as I realize which day this entry is for. I'm surprised that Otacon found the strength to even write this one word...

November 21, 2011
Anniversary.

December 21, 2011
Why do I continue to write? I wondered about this today as I remembered Dave with a little ceremony of my own. Why do I continue to write in a journal when I never used to do it? Maybe it's become a force of habit, or maybe it's something to pass the time. I keep writing, wondering if one day, I'll wake up and find writing on the next page in Dave's neat handwriting. Or maybe, this is my way of keeping Dave alive. I can imagine what he would say back to me, what he would write back if he read what I had to say. And even though I know he would say, "Get a grip!", "Move on!", and "Be strong!", I can't bring myself to do any of those things. What am I supposed to do?...

Dave would always say that keeping journals is a dangerous thing, especially for people like us. I wonder if our journals had ever been released to the general public, what would have happened. Would the Patriots have used them against us? No doubt they would have, but how? Would they have tried to turn various groups against us, like the religious Right, by saying that Philanthropy doesn't deserve the support it was getting because of the questionable morals of its leaders? Or would the Right have been too busy to even care because they are too worried about saving the lives of unborn babies who, once they are born, will be forced to live in a hell worse than death -- with the fear looming over their heads that their world will be brought to its final end, not by their God, but by their own hands?...

And it's all my fault. And maybe all this is right. Maybe I don't even deserve the support I do have. Maybe this is the greatest penance for my sin. I suppose it's only fitting that everyone I've ever loved have been taken away from me by my own blood-stained hands... just as I have taken the lives of countless other people from their own loved ones... How many more people's lives will be taken by me... by my creation?...

April 6, 2012
Leaving Alaska is the hardest choice I have ever had to make, but I left. I had to. I realized that as long as I stayed in Alaska, I would never be able to do what I promised. Dave's house is still there. I couldn't bring myself to burn it. It's one of the few things left that shows he existed. I want the world to know he was a real, living man, no matter how much the Patriots try to tarnish our names and erase us from their version of history, he existed. And that house was something he built from scratch with his own two hands. Those hands that worked so hard to ensure life for all... the many times he had to put his life on the line to destroy Metal Gear... How many lives did he save through his actions? How many lives did I take for every life he saved?...

I need to search out a place to stay now, but after that, the next most important thing is to start training people and spreading the movement. I don't know where I will find those people, but I have to try. I must... to make up for all the deaths I have brought.

Otacon seems obsessed with this idea of death, and how he is the one who brought it all. It's starting to freak me out. I mean, guilt is one thing, but this is taking it a little too far. Unless he realizes that he's not to blame for everything, I... I'm beginning to doubt his real intentions. Somehow, I don' t think he gave me everything to get a fresh start on life... I just hope that he has gotten better through his interactions with other people. After all, this is an entry from two years ago. What about all those people he trained? I continue to read.

May 17, 2012
I've been able to contact a very dedicated group and I've collect a few more people to fill out the gaps in specialties. We've established a base of sorts in the continental U.S. I'm not going to risk it by saying where, but suffice it to say that we're highly mobile, so if the need should arise, we can relocate very quickly. Our code names are rather interesting, I think, though if it were left up to me, I would never have used this system. Call it a thing against God and the Fates.

We'll begin compiling all our data soon, and see where it takes us. I'll wait to see if this group of people is trustworthy and then bring up Katrina, although if they have all been following our work, they should already know about her.

We're on our way, Dave. I hope this group can continue where we left off.

July 26, 2012
We spotted another Metal Gear today. Plans are under way to see if we can sabotage it without having to send someone in. The group's been really great, and we work together very well. I think I got lucky and I'm glad they seem to be a very trustworthy group of people.

As I said, we have some rather strange code names, but I don't think it would be wise of me to use their real code names, even here in my own diary. I guess it couldn't hurt to introduce a few of them, though. I think I'll use an alternate set of codenames, just in case. I don't know, I guess I just want to get it down, and hope that maybe you're up there, reading this.

One of the guys, who I'll call "Alpha", is really dedicated. It was he who first approached me when I put out a call through the usual channels. I was suspicious of him at first because he was so adamant about working with me. But I let him in because he had a core team with him. I guess I was pretty stupid taking such a huge risk, but thankfully, things have worked out well enough that it was worth it. Alpha had a team of six with him, so plus me, we had a group of eight to start with. I found a few more people to round off the things we needed specialists in, so now we have thirteen members.

"Chi" has a real strange habit of cursing too much. I wonder sometimes if he is the same person I interviewed, since at the interview, he was so polite and proper. Ha, ha. I guess I'm not always the best at judging people. He seems to be pretty trustworthy so far, though.

"Beta" is a bit quiet, but sincere, and a great AI programmer. She's providing me a lot of great insight into AI programming and has improved my VR system by 10 folds.

"Theta" is even more paranoid than I am, if that's possible. You'd have a field day trying to stop him from being so. But he's an expert in security, so, what do you expect?

Shoot. I'm going to have to finish this entry later. "Mu" is calling me to help him with some financial something-or-another. I never thought that I would ever have to deal with accounting, but then, life's good at throwing wrenches in things, isn't it?

August 6, 2012
On the anniversary of the Hiroshima bombing, it's probably fitting that we successfully sabotaged that Metal Gear I mentioned last time. It's a relief to know that there's one less Metal Gear in the world.

Life is getting better. It's been nice to feel like there's some hope again.

Dave, if you're reading this, I hope you're happy, too. Life was too cruel to you while you were alive. I can only hope that when we meet again, you'll have created happier experiences to share with me.

August 24, 2012
Let's see... I think I promised that I'd finish introducing everyone, so here goes. As I said, "Mu" is the accountant around here, and he does a really good job balancing our extremely tight budget. Money hasn't been easy to come by, but we've got our ways. I think everyone's lost weight from our severe food rationing. I hope things will get better once we become more established. I remember when we first started out, we had a rough time with money, too.

Then there's "Delta" and "Psi". The two of them are the brawn of the group. I was kind of hoping for more people with field experience, but I should be lucky to even have found these two. They're great guys, and one of them even has a son. A real cute kid, if you could call him that. The kid's really serious all the time though. I think his father really wants him to stay "safe" so he's been encouraging "Omega" to study as much math and science as possible. Oddly, though, I think the kid's got more of an interest in history... could be useful one day though, I think.

We've got two people on the medical/research staff, "Rho" and "Sigma", and of course, there are the two hackers, "Kappa" and "Lambda", and finally, our PR person and mission support, "Nu". Sadly, though, "Nu" has a temper about as big as yours, so we've sort of given the PR job to "Mu"... Can't be helped, I guess.

And that's everyone. Kind of a large group, aren't we? I guess you can see why we're strained in the financial department. I had originally started out with just "Alpha's" group, but eventually, I figured I needed to get some more help, especially since "Alpha's" group didn't have any medical personnel working with them. And a little more brawn never hurt anyone.

Ah, break time is over. I've gotta get back to that file I was searching through. You wouldn't believe the stuff we hit yesterday. Downloaded it all already, so now comes the tedious job of wading through all the useless text to the real information. *sigh* Until later, then.

September 11, 2012
It's been a little over 10 years since the Twin Towers fell in New York, but it seems like centuries ago. The media today barely mentioned that day and people are already forgetting "The Day That Changed The World". How quick we are to forget things that don't affect us in our daily lives. Ever since the Patriots started downplaying terrorism, people have slowly forgotten, and become apathetic. And while suicide bombings still occur in other countries, people don't feel anything anymore because nothing that the public is aware of has happened on American soil. The Tanker Incident, Big Shell - all of it was so cleverly hidden. Even your death is only known to the few devoted. The rest of the public are still taking your life for granted, that the "Legend" will save them from anything that would harm them. Even the meaning of 9/11 has been lost, cheapened by the numerous propaganda bits it was used for back in the 2004 elections when Solidus won the re-election. I look back on that time and all of it disgusts me now. How could I have been so buried in myself to have ignored everything happening around me, in my own country? I can't believe that I didn't see that the "missile defense system", the new "Star Wars Program" the government wanted to create was just as you said, a walking deathmobile.

But like I said, I'm through regretting the past. I want to live for the future. That's why I'm doing all this, right? I hope I'm doing the right thing, for a change, because that's all I have left -- hope.

September 26, 2012
I've been talking with "Rho" recently. He asked me why I was writing so much recently, and I felt that I should talk with someone. Back when Dave was still alive, I used to talk with him a lot, or rather, I used to talk to him. He would just sit there and listen and grunt a few times if he agreed. He never was one to talk much.

Oops, there I go again. "Rho" has been advising me not to talk about Dave so much, and for me to stop writing as though I were directing my journals to him. He says that normally, he would advise people to do these kinds of things for a short while after the death of a loved one, to get it all out of their system, but he thinks that in my case, I'd just drive myself crazy living in the past. I think he's right in a way, though. As much as I love Dave, I have to move on. If I dwell on him like I dwell on everything else, I'll just be going around and around in the same circle, never able to think outside of that past. That happened to me once already with my father's death, and look where that got me. So I guess I'll have to try harder from now on to move away from that past. It'll be painful, but I think this is for the better.

October 6, 2012
I don't know what's wrong with me recently. I really don't like smoke or smoking, and yet... I guess I just wanted to smell a familiar scent so I went out today and bought a pack of Dave's favorite cigarettes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not actually smoking them. All I do is light them and then leave them to burn themselves out. Kind of like incense. I just... When I was surrounded by that scent again, it was like I could forget everything, and just... But it only lasted for a second, because as soon as that second was over, I knew it was only an illusion and the pain returned, stronger than before. Dave's gone, and I'll never feel his arms around me again as he gives me a morning hug, cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth.

Am I doing this to make myself feel better or just to punish myself some more? But maybe I need this punishment... for all the things I've done.

November 21, 2012
Anniversary.

February 28, 2013
I'm sorry. I screwed up... again...

March 20, 2013
Dave... You are always on my mind now. I remember the times when we would sit outside around this time of year, and quietly watch the sun rise when you couldn't go back to sleep after waking from a nightmare. You would sit there deep in thought while I watched you, feeling a sense of awe at how someone so insignificant like me could know someone so wonderful as you. You should never have suffered so much in your life, yet somehow, I guess we are all fated to suffer certain things. Sometimes, while we sat there, I wished I could take all your pain away, and erase all the terrible things you'd seen in your lifetime. I wished I could hold you and sooth you, but I know you wouldn't have wanted that. When you were thinking, you always did like to think alone. But I wished anyway. I wished for so much...but what good was all that wishing when I could do nothing? And then, I caused you even more pain before you finally found your rest. Fate. Am I chained to my fate forever? Will I do nothing but cause others pain for as long as I live? Dave, I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't do anything to change our fates. If you see my father or Wolf...or Emma, will you tell them sorry for me too? I know all of you may never forgive me, but I'm sorry, I really am...

What the hell happened? Something happened to Otacon between the last two entries, I can tell. He sounded better for a while, and now he's gone back to severe depression. A temporary relapse maybe?... And what the heck did Otacon mean when he said he "screwed up again"?...

May 20, 2013
You used to say to me that the people who knew you the best and could still love you, despite all the wrongs you've committed, were among the most special in the world. Then you would say, "I let the Legend be a legend. The people I show my real self to -- now, those are the people who are special to me." Do you remember, Dave, how one time, we wondered if it was ok for us to keep journals? It's a luxury we shouldn't indulge in because of all the things that could go wrong if they fell into the wrong hands. But you insisted that life was dangerous anyway, and more than that, you wanted to know more about me and how I think. I think, inside, you were a romantic as well, secretly wanting to track our life together, so that one day, you could look back and read everything... and remember. And that's what I do now. Strange, isn't it? Every time I read your words next to mine, I remember all those days in all their details -- all the happiness, all the sadness, all the anger, and all the pleasure. It's all here in my mind. Sometimes, when I read your words, it's like you're right here with me, and I can let myself become lost in the sea of words and memories. But I have to stop this. I've started crying again recently. I can't do this. I can't keep on doing this. I have to keep myself together to keep moving forward. That's what you would want anyway, right? I know you would want that. And I can't let you down any more than I already have...

I can't run away again, like I did... that time... There isn't a place on the face of this Earth that could hide me from my sins...

June 7, 2013
It's been a while since I last read one of our more intimate entries. I just haven't had the will to bring up memories of you at your liveliest. How alive you were when we made love. Every time, you were so full of energy, and caring. After you found out about Julie, you treated me so gently, as though you were afraid of breaking me. And sometimes, I'd like that. But there were those other days when I would chide you for being too gentle and we would just do it like animals full of sheer, raw energy. You were so seductive, like a siren, singing to my heart and ensnaring me in our bed sheets.

Sometimes, you would be so lost in our love making that you'd slip into another language and mumble things to me. I'd never know what you were saying, but at least I could always figure out which language it was that you were whispering to me in. I'd always ask you the next morning for a translation, and you'd always say with a shrug and a smile, "Use that brain of yours and figure it out yourself," which was your way of saying, "Heck if I remember." But I know you always meant what you said, even if I didn't understand what you had said then.

And then, slowly over the years, I came to understand all the things you were saying to me. "I love you too, Dave," I would reply. "Yes, you are incredibly sexy, and yes, I am alright with all of it." I am still alright with all that we did. Among all the things you said to me and asked of me, you always asked me if I was alright. Sometimes, you meant in a physical, of the moment sort of way, but sometimes, I could see in your eyes a concern for my mind and heart. And I thank you for that...

November 21, 2013
Anniversary.

Winter. Snow. The eternal darkness. How I despise winter now. It's the time of year when everything important to us happened. I first met you at Shadow Moses in winter. I proclaimed my love in winter...and you were taken from me in the dead of winter. And that's when all of hell began to swallow my shredded heart. But for your sake, I will carry on. I promised that much to you, didn't I?...

Alaska? Did he move back to Alaska?... But why? And wasn't it around this time, or was it around September, that he disappeared for good? There's something here I'm not understanding...

January 9, 2014
I have given up on Katrina. It seems that she's destined to live out the life of a soldier. I had one of Alpha's group check up on her again, and it seems that she's become accustomed to it and thinks that her unit is her family. I hacked into her charts and they pretty much confirm this. I know Olga wanted to spare her the life of a soldier, but I think at this point, Katrina would be severely psychologically damaged if I were to remove her from her environment. If only I had gotten to her sooner. But I can't do anything right, so what's the point?...

March 15, 2014
Moving again. I really shouldn't take everything with me, but I don't have much of a choice, do I? Ever since I left Alpha's group, I've been running all over, trying to avoid the Patriots. If I had stayed with them, the Patriots could have wiped them out as well. I've been training people here and there along the way, though, so I guess all this traveling is good for something. I can't keep this up forever, though, Dave. You know that, don't you? I can feel it. I'm exhausting myself. I'm getting old, Dave. I can't deny that. I may not be 50 yet, but the stress, no, this life is slowly killing me. The Patriots are just waiting for me to crack, I can feel it.

I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It feels a lot like when my battle instincts take over and tell me that something bad is right around the corner, and that I had better check my weapon over again or face certain death. It had better just be indigestion from last night's dinner.

I look at my watch. Four forty-four AM. Have I been reading that long? It doesn't feel like it. But I don't care. I don't have to leave for work for another four hours. I'm very close to finishing Otacon's final journal. Afterwards, I should have enough time to give Otacon a call to check up on him. He had better be ok. This can't be happening. I look up from the journal to stretch my tired eye muscles.

And the light of dawn is filtering into the room.

Notes:

- I think you, the reader, noticed that Otacon switches between regular journal entries and "letters to Dave" so to speak, and sometimes, even jumbles the two of them together. It's something that gets worse and worse with time, in a sort of reflection of Otacon's state of mind...

- The new group Otacon works with is important. *end of hint*

But seriously, the names in Otacon's journal are codenames of codenames... I guess he's just being extra careful ^_^;; The codenames are all letters of the Greek alphabet and, quite possibly, only make any sort of logical sense to me. ^_^;; But I'm willing to give a cookie to anyone who can guess the correct reference for at least 1 of the names...

- Yeah, I ran away with my 9/11 blurb. I even sort of managed to twist it to "fit" the MGS world. I'm not that cynical of people to think that 9/11 would be forgotten that quickly, but the general public is known to forget things that don't affect them directly...

- As much as people make Snake out to be a total idiot (myself included at times...), one has to remember that Snake is incredibly intelligent and is fluent in 6 languages. Damn. Wish I could be fluent in 6 languages. I'm having problems with fluency in 3 languages as is -_-;; Being an Chinese-American living in Japan sucks at times :P

I imagine that Snake would be very good at choosing the most romantic-sounding language for the particular moment and turn of words ^_~

- In Alaska, depending on where you are, you could literally go for the entire winter without seeing the sun rise at all, which is basically the eternal darkness reference. We're not told exactly where they swiped Snake from in MGS1, so I'm using the phrase, "eternal darkness" in a metaphorical sense to refer to Alaska in Otacon's entry. By this point in the story, though, poor Otacon's memory is already being blurred by the extreme trauma he's suffered that some details may not be correct anyway (ex. When the two of them started their relationship, it wasn't technically winter... more like late autumn.)

- Just why did Otacon leave Alpha's group?? I know there's been a few of these questions I've left open-ended. They will be answered in due time. Some of the answers will be in the sequel, so look for the answers then ^_~