" Oh. Shit," Jack muttered, as he turned the woman away from him "I thought we'd seen enough of those already."
" What is it, Captain?" Anamaria asked curiously. Jack didn't answer her as he picked up the unconscious woman and made as if to throw her over overboard
"Take cover you scabrous dogs! Man the guns! We won't be rid of her that easily! Cover your eyes! Her ridiculous beauty will surely blind us!" But to his utmost horror the woman came round just in time and grabbed the side of the ship, preventing a watery death.
"Jack," she called up to him, her voice as sweet as honey. The pirate felt violently ill, and his stomach churned. Staunchly though, he grabbed a nearby belaying pin and made as if to beat her off the edge of his beloved ship. While swinging frantically at her perfectly manicured fingers, Jack shouted back to his crew, who were looking on with mild interest.
" She has unexplainable powers, and is probably the spawn of Captain Barbossa," he shouted. " Take cover!"
"Ja-ack." The gorgeous woman persistently cried out. "You're hot and I'm beautiful! We're meant to be together! "
Randomly, for that is what happens in tales such as these, Will jumped out, apparently out of nowhere, and grabbed the damsel's hand.
"Jack!" the blacksmith said incredulously. "What are you doing? We must save her!"
At that moment, the Sue chanced to look up at her would be rescuer.
" Oh, look at you!" she purred seductively. " You're far more handsome than Jack here! Marry me?"
Jack could see that there was an intense battle going on inside his friend's mind between logic and sudden, inexplicable lust. Predictably, it looked like logic was losing.
He watched as Will's eyes widened and gained the sickening sparkle of love at first sight. Yep, logic lost.
"Shit! He's a goner now!" Jack cried.
"Forget Elizabeth! My heart is yours, my snugglebunnykins!" Will declared, burying his face in the Sue's bosom. This time, Jack did throw up
Will reluctantly pulled his head out of her breasts. "Where's the nearest church?" he demanded. "I need to wed this lady."
Jack knew that time was running short. It wouldn't be long before Will's mind was lost to the Sue for all eternity. In a fit of desperation, the irascible pirate hastily drew out his two pistols and opened fire on the Sue.
Seeing that his "love's" life was in danger, Will heroically jumped forward and thus did not see the Sue's head rotate 180 degrees glare evilly at Jack, who in turn did not see Will jump heroically in front of the Sue. The shots went straight through the blacksmith's manly chest.
"Will!" Jack shouted, but before he could get closer to his wounded comrade, the Sue sprouted fangs from its gums and hissed at him. A few tense moments passed as the Sue whispered loving words into Will's ear. Slowly but surely, the colour returned to his cheeks and the bloodstains vanished. Jack blinked at the Sue as Will straightened again.
" Sue? Sue my love? You are so radiant... your ice blonde hair shines like a thousand suns, and your eyes... your eyes resemble the sapphire depths of the ocean. I care not that you have fangs! You are my own... my own true love." Will rambled as Jack pulled a dirk from his boot and circled around the Sue. Despite the previous close shave the Sue had to be destroyed. Viciously he struck out and cut her head from her neck in one clean sweep. But alas! She did not die, for she is a Sue, and Sues do not die.
Before her attractive cranium had reached the height of its first bounce, long tendrils of sinew stretched from the severed head and reattached it to the stump of the neck.
Jack knew he couldn't do this alone.
He wailed in despair, for time was running out. A few more minutes and Will would be lost forever in the beautiful crystalline depths of... NO, NO, NO!!!!! She was beginning to affect Jack as well. There was only one thing for it. He reached through a plothole and retrieved a palantir, using it to call between the dimensions to one Lady Knight Sir Lara Sparrowmir of the Scum, and her faithful assistant (NOT SIDEKICK) lady Emma Bag Lady of the Pond Scum
Lady Sparrowmir and her assistant (not sidekick) Lady Emma Bag Lady grasped their faithful dredging sticks and circled the Sue-beast. In one united movement they lunged toward her, slashing their scum staffs at the Sue's slim, willowy body. Bit by bit they stabbed and mutilated her beautiful-beyond-sense figure, and as the scum crept into the wounds and coursed through her body she began to weaken.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Will screamed in anguish. The dying Sue looked at her true love and smiled softly.
"I will never forget you, Will. My love." And with that, her last shuddering breath escaped her body and she was still. Tears streamed down Wills cheeks as he rocked the Sue's still form in his arms.
" I love you," he whispered.
2 years later:
Will looked down the mighty cliff face. The wild ocean roared and churned as it pushed itself against the jagged rocks. He took a deep breath and stood on the edge of the crumbling cliff. The salty breeze whipped his hair across his face, obscuring his vision of the stunning sunset beyond. He held his head high and stood straight. On the breeze he could hear her voice, melodious as silver bells.
"William". It called to him.
In one quick movement he flung himself over the edge of the precipice and was falling, falling. His body was obliterated as it hit the rocks. But he was free. Free to join his Sue… Only to find out that she wasn't actually dead because hey, she IS a Sue.