CHAPTER 3:
Fry looks at his "I'm Fired" shirt. It reads, "Shit Canned".
"Hey Amy, you want my shirt?" says Fry.
"Sure. I'll just dye the thing the color of the letters. The one Hermies gave to me doesn't fit anyway."
"Well, here," he gives it to her.
"Yippee! Now I have two. I could start a collection."
"Eh, knock yourself out," says a depressed Fry who walks away with a slouched back and heavy eye lids.
The Professor walks in, "Damnit! This blows. And not like a five- breasted space whore. I'm sorry, but unless we turn a profit within the next week, I'll have no choice but to fire all of you."
"Maybe we should get into the T-shirt business. I hear firings are the hot fad this year," says Hermies.
"Even you Hermies," says the Professor.
"Great coconuts! Not me Professor, I've been with the company for over five years now!"
Fry walks over to the Planet Express ship. He looks up at it and sees Leela's reflection in the cockpit glass windows.
"Hey Leela."
"Go away Fry."
"I can't."
"Fry I mean it," she hangs her head low and turns to the side so he can't see her face.
"I accidentally locked myself in. What'cha doing up here all by yourself?"
"Pondering."
"Cool. Does that have anything to do with fishing?"
"You know, I sit here and it feels so right. This is the third job I've had. Not a single one of them ever made me feel so appreciated. I'm in command and others look up to me."
"Well, you are the tallest member of the crew."
"And now here I am; about to be forced from my throne," she runs her right hand over the captain's chair's arm rest, "I don't want to give it up. It's my chair."
"I know how you feel. When I was six there was this chair I used to like sitting in every lunch break and..."
"Fry," says Leela.
"Yeah?"
"Just hold my hand."
He holds her hand and then says, "Wait – I think I got an idea."
Fry leaves a small paper bag of dog shit in front of the Planet Hoppers entrance. Then Leela and him run behind the corner after having rung the doorbell.
Fry claps his hands twice and the bag catches fire.
The door slides open like on Star Trek. The employee looks down and then turns around to go back in. He comes back out with a fire extinguisher and blows the fire out. He goes back in and the doors slide shut.
A small robot peeps out from a electronic doggie-door in the road curb and cleans the bag up. It disappears back.
"That was a terrible idea. Why did I even listen to you?"
"Because you were feeling unsure and vulnerable."
A robot on wheels rolls up to them and says, "Telegram," and then hands Fry a card. The robot holds out it's hand in hopes for recompense.
"Oh yeah," says Fry and slaps his hand, "thanks."
The robot moves off beeping obscenities.
"I wonder who it's from. Open it," says Leela.
HE does and a holographicly projected image of T.C.'s head appears in mid air above the opened card.
"Neener, neener, neeeeeneeerrr. So long, suckers. I hope we'll be able to deliver your welfare checks. Tootalue," he blows then kisses.
"Crud," says Fry.
They all sit on the couch and chairs in Bender's spare closet.
"Well, I guess this is it. It's been nice knowing you Leela, Amy, Bender, Johnson..." says the Professor.
"My name isn't Johnson," says Fry.
"My bad – that was the last crew..."
"I guess we'll now just fade into obscurity. To never deliver again. Well, at least I have my rich parents and good looks," says Amy.
"Back in my day only men were from Mars," says Fry.
"Guh, it's awful hot in here," Amy takes off her "Shit Canned" T- shirt.
They all gasp.
"What?" she asks.
"You've got words written on your body," says the Professor.
She looks down.
"I can't see them. Leela, please tell me what they say."
"Shit Bucket."
"There's no need for name calling," says Amy.
"No, that's what if says. Your entire torso is pink and the letters are black. I think the ink from the shirt dyed "Shit Bucket" onto your skin," says Leela.
"Isn't anyone else looking at her boobies?" says Fry.
"Right here," replies Bender.
"That's impossible. I specifically ordered the no-run ink dye. Hummm," he scans the package with a handy scanning device from his coat pocket, "My, my," he then scans Amy, "both packages are completely covered with Bamma radiation!"
"Bamma?" asks Hermies.
"I don't think any of us would have ever known," he looks at the camera.
"Cool. Is it lethal?" asks Fry.
"Oh my yes. It causes vomiting and severe diarrhea and just before you die your eyes melt from your sockets and you have five heart attacks," says the Professor.
Fry, Scruffy, Amy all look at the Professor wide eyed.
In the next scene they are at Planet Express in the chemical shower. Amy is scrubbing vigorously.
"I can't get it off, I can't get it off," she says.
"Here, let me try," says Fry.
She slaps his hand.
Zoidberg pops his head in, "Another ten minutes and you'll all be done," he looks at Fry's crotch, "Fry, you want me to take care of that?" he snaps his claws.
"Keep those shlong scissors away from me," he backs up in horror.
"I still don't understand how the shirts got infected with Bamma radiation anyway. Where did we get those shirts from?" asks the Professor.
"They were shipped here," replies Hermies.
"Funny," comment the Professor, "I don't remember seeing that in the mail. I should know, I check the damn thing every twenty minutes. Let me see where this little death box come from..." he walks over to the empty package.
"No! Don't!" exclaims Hermies.
The Professor reads the delivery sticker.
"Planet Hoppers?! Not those money sucking space warts!"
Fry turns to Hermies and says, "How could you? They're the competition! You were gonna lose your job because of them!"
Hermies twiddles his thumbs and looks down, "I couldn't help it!" he looks back up, "They had such lower rates. Please forgive me Professor," he puts his hands together in plea.
"Oh, oh all right. But only because you know the terrible, terrible secret of space."
"Yes. No one must ever know of the terrible, terrible secret of space," replies Hermies.
"What secret?" asks Fry.
"I don't know what you are referring to. You can all stop looking at me now."
"Fry, while you and Bender were at Planet Hoppers, you didn't per chance happen to see a yellow light?" asks the Professor.
"Yeah. When they scanned Bender's package I saw a yellow glow."
"Professor, isn't Bamma radiation illegal?" asks Leela.
"Indeed. After they found out Emeril's head had invented it to spray his crops, they nuked his head and banned the deadly substance."
"That means all of Planet Hoppers packages have been exposed. All we got to do is leak this to the media and they'll be out of business!" says Leela
"Way a head of ya," Bender puts a cell phone back into his chest compartment.
"Yay!" shouts Amy.
"That's great! Now we'll all get to keep our jobs!" says Fry.
"Scruffy is overcome with emotion," says Scruffy.
"Wait, didn't you say you skimped on the T-shirts?" asks Amy.
"Yes," the Professor extends the word out.
"So was it the Bamma radiation, or the crappy craftsmanship?" Amy inquires.
"You mean I stood in here naked with the janitor for no reason?" says Amy.
"Scruffy was moved in ways beyond known thought," says Scruffy.
"What's wrong with being naked? I'm naked right now," says the Professor.
"Hide your shame Professor," says Leela.
"Eh ... what shame?" he replies.
They all watch the news on TV back at the apartment. Bender smokes a cigar.
"Any in other news," says the blonde female newscaster, "local business Planet Hoppers was shut down today when it was learned that the company used Bamma radiation to scan it's packages. Many people have been affected by the radiation."
"Yes, many humans have swelled up and died! Morbo is pleased."
"Authorities are still searching for owner/operator T.C., who at his hour remains at large."
Leela turns off the television.
"Well, I guess everything is back to normal," says Bender.
"Yep," says Fry.
They sit there.
"Anyone have anything funny to say?" asks Leela.
"Nope," replies Bender.
"Not really," says Amy.
"No," Fry ads.
"I do – get back to work you lazy slackers!" shouts the Professor while shaking a fist.
"Wait – weren't you drinking a can of Slurm a couple days or so ago?" Fry asks Leela.
"Yeah. Why?"
"Don't you remember where that comes from?" replies Fry.
"Leela holds her mouth, "Umph!"
Fry looks at his "I'm Fired" shirt. It reads, "Shit Canned".
"Hey Amy, you want my shirt?" says Fry.
"Sure. I'll just dye the thing the color of the letters. The one Hermies gave to me doesn't fit anyway."
"Well, here," he gives it to her.
"Yippee! Now I have two. I could start a collection."
"Eh, knock yourself out," says a depressed Fry who walks away with a slouched back and heavy eye lids.
The Professor walks in, "Damnit! This blows. And not like a five- breasted space whore. I'm sorry, but unless we turn a profit within the next week, I'll have no choice but to fire all of you."
"Maybe we should get into the T-shirt business. I hear firings are the hot fad this year," says Hermies.
"Even you Hermies," says the Professor.
"Great coconuts! Not me Professor, I've been with the company for over five years now!"
Fry walks over to the Planet Express ship. He looks up at it and sees Leela's reflection in the cockpit glass windows.
"Hey Leela."
"Go away Fry."
"I can't."
"Fry I mean it," she hangs her head low and turns to the side so he can't see her face.
"I accidentally locked myself in. What'cha doing up here all by yourself?"
"Pondering."
"Cool. Does that have anything to do with fishing?"
"You know, I sit here and it feels so right. This is the third job I've had. Not a single one of them ever made me feel so appreciated. I'm in command and others look up to me."
"Well, you are the tallest member of the crew."
"And now here I am; about to be forced from my throne," she runs her right hand over the captain's chair's arm rest, "I don't want to give it up. It's my chair."
"I know how you feel. When I was six there was this chair I used to like sitting in every lunch break and..."
"Fry," says Leela.
"Yeah?"
"Just hold my hand."
He holds her hand and then says, "Wait – I think I got an idea."
Fry leaves a small paper bag of dog shit in front of the Planet Hoppers entrance. Then Leela and him run behind the corner after having rung the doorbell.
Fry claps his hands twice and the bag catches fire.
The door slides open like on Star Trek. The employee looks down and then turns around to go back in. He comes back out with a fire extinguisher and blows the fire out. He goes back in and the doors slide shut.
A small robot peeps out from a electronic doggie-door in the road curb and cleans the bag up. It disappears back.
"That was a terrible idea. Why did I even listen to you?"
"Because you were feeling unsure and vulnerable."
A robot on wheels rolls up to them and says, "Telegram," and then hands Fry a card. The robot holds out it's hand in hopes for recompense.
"Oh yeah," says Fry and slaps his hand, "thanks."
The robot moves off beeping obscenities.
"I wonder who it's from. Open it," says Leela.
HE does and a holographicly projected image of T.C.'s head appears in mid air above the opened card.
"Neener, neener, neeeeeneeerrr. So long, suckers. I hope we'll be able to deliver your welfare checks. Tootalue," he blows then kisses.
"Crud," says Fry.
They all sit on the couch and chairs in Bender's spare closet.
"Well, I guess this is it. It's been nice knowing you Leela, Amy, Bender, Johnson..." says the Professor.
"My name isn't Johnson," says Fry.
"My bad – that was the last crew..."
"I guess we'll now just fade into obscurity. To never deliver again. Well, at least I have my rich parents and good looks," says Amy.
"Back in my day only men were from Mars," says Fry.
"Guh, it's awful hot in here," Amy takes off her "Shit Canned" T- shirt.
They all gasp.
"What?" she asks.
"You've got words written on your body," says the Professor.
She looks down.
"I can't see them. Leela, please tell me what they say."
"Shit Bucket."
"There's no need for name calling," says Amy.
"No, that's what if says. Your entire torso is pink and the letters are black. I think the ink from the shirt dyed "Shit Bucket" onto your skin," says Leela.
"Isn't anyone else looking at her boobies?" says Fry.
"Right here," replies Bender.
"That's impossible. I specifically ordered the no-run ink dye. Hummm," he scans the package with a handy scanning device from his coat pocket, "My, my," he then scans Amy, "both packages are completely covered with Bamma radiation!"
"Bamma?" asks Hermies.
"I don't think any of us would have ever known," he looks at the camera.
"Cool. Is it lethal?" asks Fry.
"Oh my yes. It causes vomiting and severe diarrhea and just before you die your eyes melt from your sockets and you have five heart attacks," says the Professor.
Fry, Scruffy, Amy all look at the Professor wide eyed.
In the next scene they are at Planet Express in the chemical shower. Amy is scrubbing vigorously.
"I can't get it off, I can't get it off," she says.
"Here, let me try," says Fry.
She slaps his hand.
Zoidberg pops his head in, "Another ten minutes and you'll all be done," he looks at Fry's crotch, "Fry, you want me to take care of that?" he snaps his claws.
"Keep those shlong scissors away from me," he backs up in horror.
"I still don't understand how the shirts got infected with Bamma radiation anyway. Where did we get those shirts from?" asks the Professor.
"They were shipped here," replies Hermies.
"Funny," comment the Professor, "I don't remember seeing that in the mail. I should know, I check the damn thing every twenty minutes. Let me see where this little death box come from..." he walks over to the empty package.
"No! Don't!" exclaims Hermies.
The Professor reads the delivery sticker.
"Planet Hoppers?! Not those money sucking space warts!"
Fry turns to Hermies and says, "How could you? They're the competition! You were gonna lose your job because of them!"
Hermies twiddles his thumbs and looks down, "I couldn't help it!" he looks back up, "They had such lower rates. Please forgive me Professor," he puts his hands together in plea.
"Oh, oh all right. But only because you know the terrible, terrible secret of space."
"Yes. No one must ever know of the terrible, terrible secret of space," replies Hermies.
"What secret?" asks Fry.
"I don't know what you are referring to. You can all stop looking at me now."
"Fry, while you and Bender were at Planet Hoppers, you didn't per chance happen to see a yellow light?" asks the Professor.
"Yeah. When they scanned Bender's package I saw a yellow glow."
"Professor, isn't Bamma radiation illegal?" asks Leela.
"Indeed. After they found out Emeril's head had invented it to spray his crops, they nuked his head and banned the deadly substance."
"That means all of Planet Hoppers packages have been exposed. All we got to do is leak this to the media and they'll be out of business!" says Leela
"Way a head of ya," Bender puts a cell phone back into his chest compartment.
"Yay!" shouts Amy.
"That's great! Now we'll all get to keep our jobs!" says Fry.
"Scruffy is overcome with emotion," says Scruffy.
"Wait, didn't you say you skimped on the T-shirts?" asks Amy.
"Yes," the Professor extends the word out.
"So was it the Bamma radiation, or the crappy craftsmanship?" Amy inquires.
"You mean I stood in here naked with the janitor for no reason?" says Amy.
"Scruffy was moved in ways beyond known thought," says Scruffy.
"What's wrong with being naked? I'm naked right now," says the Professor.
"Hide your shame Professor," says Leela.
"Eh ... what shame?" he replies.
They all watch the news on TV back at the apartment. Bender smokes a cigar.
"Any in other news," says the blonde female newscaster, "local business Planet Hoppers was shut down today when it was learned that the company used Bamma radiation to scan it's packages. Many people have been affected by the radiation."
"Yes, many humans have swelled up and died! Morbo is pleased."
"Authorities are still searching for owner/operator T.C., who at his hour remains at large."
Leela turns off the television.
"Well, I guess everything is back to normal," says Bender.
"Yep," says Fry.
They sit there.
"Anyone have anything funny to say?" asks Leela.
"Nope," replies Bender.
"Not really," says Amy.
"No," Fry ads.
"I do – get back to work you lazy slackers!" shouts the Professor while shaking a fist.
"Wait – weren't you drinking a can of Slurm a couple days or so ago?" Fry asks Leela.
"Yeah. Why?"
"Don't you remember where that comes from?" replies Fry.
"Leela holds her mouth, "Umph!"