I hold my breath
And close my eyes
And I wait for paradise…

-Bruce Springsteen

***

"So…You know Kamatari how?" Misao looked over her shoulder at the boy. How old is he? He looks so young…Like a child almost. His eyes are so sleepy looking. It's almost hypnotic. And to look at him…He's got the finest looking silk yukata, but his haori looks like it's ancient. What is his deal?

"Ah…He saved my life when I was a child. I have been his loyal Ôgama Unpannin ever since. I don't like fighting. I don't like war at all." Misharei said slowly, "But I did want to be of some use. He taught me how to take care of the scythe. To mend the links of the chain and polish the blade. Because of him, I have found happiness."

"Happiness?" The ninja stopped walking. "You found happiness with HIM?"

"Hai. Why is that so strange? He took care of me, he loved me and he believed in me when no one else did." Misha cocked his head, studying her intently. She could be pretty, if she dressed more like a girl.

"How old are you?"

"Eighteen. And I know I do not look it. I was a poor child and hardly ever had enough food. So I was very scrawny and always will be very scrawny. How old are you?"

"…Sixteen." She admitted glumly. How could he possibly be older than me?

"Sixteen and Kamatari-sama lost a battle to you? You must be a very good fighter. I thank you for sparing his life. I would be lost without him." He brushed back a lock of his hair that the wind had pushed into his eyes.

"Are you in love with him?" It suddenly clicked in her brain. This boy was some one deeply in love.

"For the past two years, things have been different…But he doesn't seem to realize…" His gaze drifted up towards the sky, "For two years, I have tried to tell him. But it makes no difference. He will always love Shishio. I will never be more than a little brother."

Misao could feel overwhelming amounts of sympathy for this boy. He wasn't so different from her. She had, after all, loved Aoshi all of her life, only to get nothing in return. Every one at the Aoiya treated her like a little sister. "I understand perfectly." A sad smile crossed her face.

"Sometimes…At night…or when I'm lonely…I hold my breath and wish. I close my eyes, thinking, dreaming, and I wait for paradise. But it never comes." He sighed deeply, looking back at her, "I want to be kissed by the rain, under the gaze of the clouds. Where the only other beings are the trees. The sky…it could be so blue; the grass so green…That is my paradise. With him…"

"Did you ever tell him that?"

"How could I, knowing he doesn't love me? How could I give him my heart and soul, only to have it thrown back at me? Everything is going to change today, yet things will remain the same." He loosened the tie on his ponytail, allowing what was left of his hair to fall free. "We should have a proper introduction. My name is Kataomoi Misharei. I am the Ôgama Unpannin for Kamatari-sama."

Misao stared at him for a moment, not sure what to say. She felt funny talking to some one associated with the Juppon Gatana in such a friendly manner. "Makimachi Misao, Okashira of the Oniwabanshu."

"Now that we have taken care of that…Tell me…There is some one you love too, isn't there? What is it like to be loved?"

Misao stared at him for a moment. There, in the sunlight, his hair loose and blowing on the breeze, Misharei looked so free and at one with nature. He was a puzzle; an enigma. "I wouldn't know." She said crossly, "Aoshi-sama has never once acted like he loved me."

"Ahh…Shinomori-san. He is a very confused man."

"You've met him?"

"Hai. I do believe he was battling with Battôsai when I left. He and I had a very unusual conversation only this morning."

"Really?"

"Hai."

~*Flashback*~

"Shinomori-san, why are you still here?" Misharei had wandered into the library where Shinomori Aoshi was waiting for his own version of truth in the form of a battle with Himura the Battôsai.

Aoshi merely glared at him, those icy eyes burning into the Unpannin's velvet ones. The boy was so strange; so unlike any one else. He was otherworldly as if he simply glided through life.

"You have some one waiting for you, ne? Why don't you go back home? Naze?" He had brushed back his thin hair, his hand lingering by his cheek.

"…" The former Okashira said nothing, simply stared at Misha for a moment longer. Then, at last, he spoke. "There is a girl…But I cannot go back to her. I told her that I never wanted to see her again."

"Ah…You've made her hurt. If she truly loves you, she will forgive you, ne? Or is it, osoraku, that you cannot forgive yourself? There is much confusion in your soul, Shinomori-san." His head tilted to one side as he studied the expressionless face of the man seated before him.

Aoshi's eyes narrowed. What could this child possibly know? "I am unworthy of her love."

"Atai shinai? Unworthy?" Misha sat beside the solemn man, "Every one has done something in their life which makes them feel such a thing. Watashi o miru…I despise violence. And yet, here I am, caring for the weapons of the Juppon Gatana. Yet, does that make me unworthy? My hands may as well be soaked in blood, Shinomori-san. Before he left, I repaired a link on Kamatari-sama's chain. He is gone to fight your friends. I am responsible for his ability to harm them. Yet am I undeserving of love?"

"Iie…Your situation is different, chisaii hitori." Aoshi said bitterly, "You have not killed people with your own hands. You have not dishonored yourself and your comrades. Your past is not streaked with blood. Iie; you are innocent."

There was silence for a moment as they regarded one another; Aoshi in his ninja outfit and trench coat; Misharei, his yukata loose and billowing around his twig-like body. They were so different; yet so the same.

The teenager rose to his feet. "Remember my words, Shinomori-san. Don't fight with Battôsai. Strive for forgiveness. Look within yourself for what you truly want. This is where you will find peace."

Then he had left the room; headed back down to the comfortable room that he spent most of his days lounging in.

***

"Aoshi-sama said that to you? That's more than he speaks to me!" Misao exclaimed somewhat jealously. How had Misharei gotten Aoshi to open up? What was his secret? Then -and only then- did what the boy had told her sunk in. He thinks he's unworthy of my love…She looked sharply at the Unpannin. "Did this really happen?"

"Hai, Misao-san. I don't lie. Why would I? I have no reason to hurt you; none at all. Iie; it is not a lie."

The young Okashira looked at him a moment longer, taking in that placid face. Himura said he would bring Aoshi-sama home to me…But this is too much. Misha simply smiled serenely, watching her struggle with her own emotions.

"Now take me to my lord. I want to see for myself that he is okay."

Sighing, Misao resumed walking. Something about Misharei…He seemed so empty. So free and wild. It was as if nothing tied him down and he soared. His soul could dance; his heart could fill up with nothing and he was happy to live a life of unrequited love. The Unpannin truly was a free spirit.

Misha tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. Everything is going to change. Paradise will come…