I thought of you and the years
and all the sadness fell away from me
And did you know...
I never thought that you'd lose
that light in your eyes

-Pink Floyd

*`~

Kamatari was thinking. Things were not going well at all. Misharei was making a slow recovery, the weather was terrible, they'd been in the same place all week and Dominick…Well, Dominick was beginning to get on his nerves.

It was a Sunday morning and the sun was trying to break through the clouds. Dominick was gone to morning mass. Misha was still asleep. The young man had vomited several times over the course of the night and Kamatari had sat up with him, rubbing his back and cuddling with him as he cried.

I'm exhausted…I don't know how much longer I can do this. But Misha…He needs me. He can't take care of himself. Kamatari rubbed his forehead wearily. I need to sleep.

Wind rustled his hair as he rose from his seat on the porch. He gazed up at the sky, wondering if it would rain or if the sun would win the battle and come out. He hoped it would get nice again. The damp weather could not have been good for Misha.

The young man was sprawled out across the bed; his hair long and loose, the sheets twisted around his frail body. If I go to bed, will he be okay? Kamatari looked down, watching as Misha rolled over on his side, leaving a good portion of the bed empty. I don't suppose it would do any harm to stay here with him…

He crawled into bed beside the boy, drawing him into his arms. This caused Misha to smile in his sleep, instinctively snuggling into the warmth of Kamatari.

Oh, how I love you. I forgot how much I need your touch. Please get better soon. I think I'm ready now. I think I understand what my heart wants. He tightened his grip around the boy, "I love you, Anata. I love you…Get well."

Dominick returned a short time later. A frown crossed his face when he found the couple curled up together on the bed. Kamatari's arms were loosely around Misharei, who's head was under the other man's chin.

I do suppose she needs to sleep. She's been busy caring for him all this time. But does she need to sleep with him? He looked at them there for a moment, then thumped back out the door.

Misha awoke at the sound of the door closing. His eyes blinked open and he smiled to see Kamatari beside him. A yawn escaped his lips and he snuggled back down, nuzzling his head against the other man's chin. He is still mine, for the moment.

But will it last?

*`~

"He's still sleeping, no?" Dominick was sitting on the hotel porch later in the afternoon when Kamatari appeared in the doorway.

"Yes; he is. My poor little darling…I do wish he would get better. Last night was terrible." He yawned, folding his arms across his chest as he sank down to the porch floor.

"You need to stop worrying so much. You need to get sleep too." Dom said wisely, his deep eyes meeting Kamatari's.

"Ara, I know. But he needs me. He needs me to be there for him as I need him there for me." Kamatari brushed back a lock of his hair, gazing up at the hazy sky. "I want to give him everything."

"I don't understand why he is so special to you."

The cross-dresser's gaze slid over to Dominick's face. His fine, roguish features certainly made him; and combined with his dark hair and eyes, he was positively gorgeous. But there was nothing there; no spark, no joy. "He saved my life. He saved me from myself."

"Oh? How so?"

"There was a man I loved very much back in Kyoto. He meant the world to me. But I…I let him down. I failed him." He looked down at his hands, his velvet eyes filling with tears, "I became very depressed. I didn't want to see any one or do anything. But Misha; he never gave up on me. He wouldn't let me throw my life away. I just wanted…I wanted…" His voice became a low whisper, "…To die." He looked back up, tears running down his face.

"I'm so sorry." Dominick said softly. I feel so sorry for her. To have lost some one she loves…It's terrible. He drew his companion into his arms, embracing the 'woman' in a compassionate hug.

It was like this that Misharei found them. He had appeared at the door, barefoot and wrapped in that favorite haori. His eyes widened and tears threatened to come unbidden. No. NO! He pushed past them both, running blindly, tears spilling from his eyes.

"Misha!" Kamatari looked up, pulling away from Dominick, "Let me go, Dom-san. I have to go after him."

"You love him, no? I don't stand a chance."

"I am sorry. I did not want to mislead you. It was never my intention for this to happen. Misha means more to me than anything in the world. There are many things you do not know about me. Misha loves me in spite of these things. I love him and want to be with him forever."

"I guess I'll have to accept that." The other man said quietly, "No you had better go after him, no?"

"Hai!"

*`~

Misharei ran through the small town, his bare feet covered in mud, the haori flapping as he ran. He was crying, his breath coming in ragged gasps.

When he finally stopped and collapsed under a tree, he had no clue where he was. Nor did he care. Nothing matters any more. Nothing. Without Kamatari, I haven't got anything…

He curled up in a little ball, huddled there on the ground. I might as well stay here and wait for death. Kamatari will be happier without me anyway. He and Dominick…They will be very…very happy together. He buried his face in his hands, choking out sobs.

"Misha! Misha, where are you? Where did you go? Please…" Kamatari ran through the field, trying to keep himself from crying. Misha's lost somewhere…He's still sick and he's lost somewhere. I need him. I need him beside me at night. I need him to hold me when I cry. I need him to make me happy. I need him…I love him…

"Misha!"

The boy was a lump on the ground, curled up within himself and trying to shut out the rest of the world. Kamatari sank fluidly to the ground beside him. "Anata, I'm sorry." He began to cry, "I'm so sorry. I love you. I only want to be with you."

"Do you mean it?" Came the young man's muffled reply. His voice was dull; empty; unfeeling.

Kamatari sobbed harder. "You're not supposed to be like this. You're supposed to be free. Happy. In love. I don't know why you love me. But I love you too. And it scares me to death." He tried to stifle the tears, but only succeeded in making himself cry harder, "I love you so much. I hate to see you like this. I only want your happiness."

Misha raised his head, his thin hair falling loose around his tear streaked face. He stared at Kamatari for a moment, then he fell into his arms, his face pressed into his chest. "I love you." He whispered, "I love you. I thought I had lost you. I couldn't stand it."

"No…Never. Never will you lose me. I want only you." He leaned over, his face buried in Misha's hair, "I will never tell you 'no' again."

"Chaa…" Misha looked up, the sparkle once again in his eyes, "Gomen nasai. I should never have doubted you." He reached up, pulling Kamatari down on top of him in one fell swoop. Their lips met in a spin-tingling kiss, pleasing them both, leaving both men aroused.

"Are you sure…?" Kamatari gasped out as Misha's tongue invaded his mouth; searching, fighting, waging a war with his own tongue.

"I have never been more sure in my life." The young man whispered.

"Iie…Anata, are you certain you are all right?" Kamatari pulled away, "You threw up last night, omoidasu?" He looked down at the boy, their eyes locked together, "I think we need to take things a little slower until you are healthy again."

"I suppose…I've waited this long. What's a little longer? I will try my best to get well, for you, Itoshii Hito." He reached up with one small hand, caressing his beloved's cheek, "You take such good care of me."

"I love you. Why wouldn't I?" A smile crossed Kamatari's face, making him look more beautiful than Misha could ever have imagined.

"Chaa…I love you so much. You are the sun, the air and the earth around me. Every beautiful thing I see is you. I could not live without you."

"Nor could I live without you." His arms circled around the boy, holding him close, "I live because of you, Anata. I've been so worried about you, afraid that you would not get better. And I would be lost without you."

"Oh, I would never leave you. You mean too much to me. I would fight death to be with you." Misha said quietly, "I hate to think of a life without you."

"You don't have to." Kamatari kissed him again, "I'm sorry I made you so confused. I would never have fallen in love with Dom-san and, if by some miracle I had, he would never have loved me back. He would not love a man. He thinks I'm a woman, don't forget."

"Hai; I know. You aren't going to tell him, are you?"

"Iie; it would be better if he doesn't know. It would be easier on him to not tell. I really do like Dom-san as a friend and it would hurt him deeply to find out the truth."

"I don't like him." Misha furrowed his brow, "He calls me a little boy even though you told him not to. And he tries to come in between us because he lusts after you."

"Not any more. I told him I love you. He has to accept it. Because my heart and soul belong to you. He is a nice man, Anata." Kamatari's hand rubbed against the boy's cheek, caressing it lovingly, his slender fingers warm and smooth against Misha's flushed skin.

Misha smiled at him. It was nice for them to have some time alone when both were awake. Sometimes, you just need alone time. His arms slid around Kamatari's neck, pulling him closer, so that his chin was on the older man's shoulder. "You will always be the one I love. And I will always be jealous of any one else who loves you and hate them for it. Because I don't want to share you with any one ever."

"I told you…You don't need to share me. I would never give myself to any one but you. You're all I want in my life. Nothing else." He said softly, "I'm sorry if I made you worry. It scared me to see the light in your eyes go out. I never want to see that again. You should only be happy."

"I am very happy, as long as I'm with you."

"We will be together forever." Kamatari rolled over, taking Misha with him. He looked up at the blue sky as the boy nestled up against his chest. 'I find that you can see everything so much more clearly under a blue sky…' Misha's voice echoed through his mind. Ah, everything does seem so clear now. I will always love Shishio-sama in his own way. But Misha…My darling dearest one…He is a completely different story. He kissed the boy on the cheek, one of his velvety eyes falling shut. "Ai shiteru."

"Chaa…I can see it now." Misha dipped down for another kiss, his small hands planted firmly on Kamatari's chest.

"See what?" Kamatari looked at him, a satisfied smile on his face as their lips parted.

"The peace in your eyes." He rested his head on the man's chest, breathing in time with the beat of his heart. Our two hearts beat as one…"I looked before, but I could not find paradise."

"Ara…Anata, I found it without even looking. I found the most wonderful thing in my life without ever looking for it." He stroked the boy's hair, feeling happier than he had ever felt in a long time. He could smell that familiar scent of the tea Misha had been hoarding since they arrived in America; it always lingered around the boy. His fingertips ran across Misha's cheek and he drew him back down for another kiss. So this is paradise…

*`~

Dun worry, people who are enjoying. T'isn't the end yet. Seems like it would be, but it ain't.