I know you haven't made your mind up yet
but I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
There's no doubt in my mind where you belong…

-Billy Joel

*`~

"Darling, I didn't want to talk about this until we were alone. After you fell asleep last night, I was still wide awake. I was thinking about you and me and Shishio-sama. What you said was very true. Even though he is dead, I cannot forget about him. The past just won't disappear. I'd like to forget. But he was my first love, even if he did not love me back."

"I understand…" Misharei said softly. He was looking earnestly at his lover, his gaze devoid of all its usual sleepiness. He was well aware of unrequited love. He had been a slave to his own feelings for just as long as Kamatari.

"I'm afraid you don't…I want him out of my head. But he won't go away. He just keeps coming back and reminding me that I was a failure as both a man and a woman." He ran his hand through his dull hair, "I still feel that I could have tried harder, that I could have been what he wanted. Am I a complete failure?"

"Iie, you don't give yourself enough credit. You changed my life for the better."

"I made you this way." Kamatari said miserably, "If it weren't for me, you would probably find a woman to love you. Then you would have a family and grow old together. And you would be happy."

"I could never be happy with any one else." Misha stated firmly, "You didn't make me fall in love with you. I'm sure if we had met under different circumstances, I probably still would have loved you. You cannot help who you fall in love with. I didn't chose to love you. I just do."

"The people around us shape our lives, Misha. You have been with me for seven years. I have influenced your life for all seven of them. I wonder all the time if I'm wrong for you. If I made you this way and you don't really love me." He stopped walking and looked at his young companion.

Misha regarded him thoughtfully. Kamatari was wearing a pale purple kimono with a darker purple obi. His hair was falling lightly around his face, which looked drawn and tired. His feet were bare, his hands at his sides and his expression pensive. "If I didn't love you, I never would have given myself to you. You know I don't do things I don't want to." One of his small hands found its way into Kamatari's, "I want to be with you because I love you."

"But do you love me for the right reasons?" His fingers curled around Misha's, clutching at his hand, "Or do you love me solely because you've known nothing but me?"

"Why don't you understand?" The boy sidled up next to his beloved, snuggling against him, his arm around the man's waist, "Why don't you understand that I love you more than my own life?"

Kamatari looked at him for a moment, taking in those big, soulful eyes. I understand…I understand all too well. And it scares me to death. He leaned down, kissing the boy the same way he had the first time on the boat. Misha's arms slid around his neck, holding him close, intensifying the kiss.

"Ara…I don't know how you do it, Darling." His hand brushed across the boy's cheek as their lips met a second time, "Every time I think it will never get any better, it does. Oh, I do love you, Anata. I love you more than anything in the world. I want to be with you forever."

"Chaa…You make me so happy." Misha whispered, "All I have ever dreamed of is coming true." He hugged the other man tightly, standing on his tiptoes so that he could reach up to kiss him. Kamatari simply swept him up into his arms, swinging him around as he began to laugh.

"Listen to us, Misha. We're pathetic. Something has to give before we both go crazy. I love you and you love me, but we're both so scared still. We need to leave the past behind and look to the future. We need to grow in our love. And we need to live for one another."

"Oh, but I have been living for you. Every day for the past seven years, I've lived and breathed Honjou Kamatari. My greatest joy was to make you happy. I hated to see people fight, yet I repaired your scythe. I hated to see you hurting over Shishio's rejection, yet I stayed by your side. I cooked for you, cleaned for you, mended your clothing for you. I was happy making you happy."

"I know. I'm terribly sorry I didn't appreciate you more." A third kiss, "Can you forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive." A serene smile crossed Misha's face as his fingers twined themselves through Kamatari's hair, "I did everything for you of my own choosing; it was not blind obedience. I knew I loved you and I was willing to do anything for you to prove it."

"You sound so very much like me…" Kamatari said sadly, "For a long time, all I wanted was to please Shishio-sama. Then he died and I never even knew how he felt about…I don't know if he hated me, if he was disgusted by me, if he loved me in any way. I don't know if he was proud of how hard I worked or if he was angry with me…" He trailed off, his eyes filling with tears.

"Itoshii," Misha's eyes closed and his head rested on his lover's shoulder, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for you. For a long time, I knew just how you felt. I love you. I don't wish to hurt you, but you need to know the truth. Shishio loved Yumi. He didn't love you. To him, you were no more than a tool. He cared for her and used you to fight because he knew you cared for him. He used your feelings against you."

"I know…I've always known that." The man's voice came low and mournful, "But I always wanted to deny it. I told myself it just wasn't true. I told myself he needed me. I thought that if I believed it, it would be true. I wasted my life."

"Iie…You're wrong, Kamatari. You didn't waste your life. That whole time, I was learning from you. You wanted to watch me shine, that's what you told me. Did I please you?"

The cross-dressing man looked down at the boy standing before him. Misharei was gazing up at him, his brown eyes dark and haunted. His expression was one of expectance, as he was eagerly awaiting a response to the question. How could I have not realized it sooner? How did I miss so much? He's been waiting all this time and I made him feel the way I did for all those years. "You…" He blinked back tears, "You pleased me immensely. You are my pride and joy. If I helped make you the way you are…If you're so wonderful because of me…I…I…" His efforts to control his emotions were failing miserably. He began to cry, tears rolling down his cheeks and into the boy's loose hair. "I just love you so much…"

"Chaa…it's okay. Don't cry, Itoshii. It's okay." He held the older man in his embrace, hugging him tightly, "I could hold you for a million years…But please…Don't cry. Onegai shimasu…You'll make me cry too."

"Ara, Misha…You're so good to me."

The boy looked up, his chin rested against Kamatari's chest. A charming smile spread across his face and his velvet smooth eyes fell shut. "We are one now. I feel everything you feel; know every pain and every joy. Our two hearts beat as one. The killer in me is the killer in you, My Love. Of course I will be good to you."

"Arigato, Darling." Kamatari smiled faintly, his hand resting back on his young lover's hair, his fingers twining through the silky locks, "I'll be good to you also. But I can't guarantee that there won't be times when I remember the past and I get depressed."

"Hai; I know. And I will be by your side every step of the way. I will hug you and listen to you and be there for you when you're sad. I only want your happiness, after all."

"You're a good boy. I'm glad I decided to keep you."

"Me too." The young man grinned up at his beloved, "I am very glad."

*`~

Back at the inn, Dominick had remained in the dining room. He was so confused by the rocky relationship between his traveling companions. They apparently cared for one another immensely. This much was obvious to even the dumbest individual. But there was something odd about their relationship. It seemed to involve much angst.

"Would you like anything else, Dominick?"

Mary. Dom looked up. She was standing before the table, ready to clear away his dirty dishes. "No. Thank you. I'm fine." He blinked his dark eyes, "You are from Eastern Europe, no?" He questioned.

"Yes. My family sent me here to make a better life for myself. America is the land of opportunity, after all." She smiled sweetly, sitting down across from him at the table, "Are you looking for work?"

"Headed north to Cherry Ridge where there are all the coal mines. I should be able to get work their."

"Yes; many men pass through here with their families who are seeking employment in the coal mines. Those people with you…They are your family?"

"Oh, no. Just friends I made along the way. I left my family behind."

"Where are they from? I hear them speaking such a strange language."

"They're from Japan. I don't know why they are here. She hasn't told me yet and the boy speaks very little English. What he does speak, he speaks poorly. I suppose we'll part ways soon enough. They are very much in love and I do not doubt they will start a family soon. Then I will be on my own again."

"You must be dreadfully lonely, Dominick." She batted her eyelashes. He was an attractive man, with his dark hair and soulful eyes.

"I'll manage." He said slowly, "What about you? Your family is still in Europe, no?"

"I've been busy here. Several men have attempted to court me, but I wasn't interested. They were crude and loud. Not anywhere near as polite as you."

He looked at her. She had thick, dark hair and brilliant blue eyes. Her cheeks were rosy and her smile polite. Her clothing was simple, humble, but then, the Bible taught that all people should be humble before God. He liked her immensely and was glad to have her friendship. However, to get by in America when one had nothing, one needed a family. "Would…Would you like to go out for dinner when you are done working?" He asked tentatively.

A faint blush spread across her cheeks. "I'd like that very much, Dominick."

The young man smiled brazenly. On the inside, he was singing.

*`~

Kamatari was thinking. He and Misha strolled hand in hand back towards the inn, their bond even tighter due to the conversation they had held while out. The young man looked sleepy once again and his companion hoped his illness was not returning.

His thoughts drifted back to a day a year or so prior. Misha had only been seventeen then; quiet, polite and subdued as he was once. He had been ever the obedient servant, doing as Kamatari asked, and the particular day which came to mind seemed so much clearer now…

*flashback*

Kamatari was having a terrible day. It had rained early that morning and it was humid, causing his short hair to frizz out. He had been hurrying to see Shishio-sama when a carriage lumbered by, rolling through a puddle and proceeding to splash mud all over his favorite kimono. Shishio-sama had been curt with him, saying he was too busy to be bothered and forcing him from the room.

He had not been, needless to say, in a good mood when he returned to his chambers.

Misharei had instantly jumped up at the sound of the door opening, running over to greet his master. "Kamatari-sama, you're back so soon?" He'd bowed politely, his shoulder-length hair spilling around his pale face.

The older man shied away, trying to hide his face. He'd been crying after Shishio-sama's rejection, which only served to make the day worse. He must've looked horrid.

"Chaa…" Misha could always read him like a book. From the time they had met, he could always tell the scythe-wielding man's emotions. "Tell me what's wrong, Kamatari-sama." He tugged on the man's sleeve, "Why are you crying?"

"How do you always know?" He sniffled, looking over at the boy. Misha stood beside him, one hand rested lightly on his sleeve. He was staring up at him, his eyes devoid of all their usual weariness. A concerned look darkened the boy's attractive features and he frowned slightly.

Kamatari wiped his tears away and heaved a sigh. "Today has been a bad day, Misha-kun. My outfit is ruined, my hair is a mess, I'm sure I look even worse now that's I've been crying. And Shishio-sama…He wouldn't listen to me." The usually energetic man sounded so worn down. He lowered his head dejectedly, his voice coming in a mournful whisper. "He's so hard to please. I just don't know what he wants from me. I already give him my sweat, my blood and my tears. What more could he possibly want? I love him and I don't know what to do…"

"Chaa; Shishô…Let me get you new clothes, onegai shimasu. You'll feel better once you're cleaned up." Misha said softly. His heart felt heavy in his chest, as if it would break then and there. Kamatari never noticed his feelings. He pined away after Shishio and never realized that he had some one who loved him right there next to him. "I'll be right back."

Kamatari watched the young man run off. A hint of a smile crossed his face; he could always count on Misharei to try and make him feel better when he was down. This was a side of himself that only his young servant saw -to the rest of the world he was easy-going and upbeat- and he was glad he had some one to share his pain with.

Misha returned soon enough, carefully carrying a pristine yukata. He helped his master change from the soiled kimono to the fresh clothes, taking the dirty things to the laundry pile. Then he came running back again and handed Kamatari a combed and a wet washcloth to freshen himself up.

"Do you feel better now?"

"Hai. Domo arigato, Misha-kun." The man flopped down onto one of the cushions littering the floor. His young companion sank fluidly down beside him, looking at him expectantly.

"Do you want to talk any more, Shishô?" He asked quietly, "I'll listen if you wish to talk."

"You're a good boy. I know you want to be helpful, but I don't think you'll understand." Kamatari told him.

"Hai; I understand. I also have some one I love who doesn't seem to notice." He said slowly, his eyes never leaving his master's face.

"Do you really, Misha-kun? Who's the lucky lady?" Kamatari smiled lightly, an amused tone to his voice.

"Iie; not a lady. There is a man that I love. He is the most beautiful person I have ever seen." A wistful expression crossed the boy's pale face and his eyes filled with tears, "I have loved him nearly a year and he doesn't realize…He doesn't…" Here the teen stopped speaking, tears pouring from his eyes. "…I love him so much…"

"Ara, don't cry." Kamatari pulled his young servant into his arms. The second he touched the boy, he felt some unidentifiable emotion wash over him. Startled, he drew back a little, then, thinking there was nothing he could do as Misha's face was buried in his chest, he tightened the hug. "I hate to see you cry."

"I hate to see you cry." The boy sniffled, "It makes me so sad, when you are hurting…"

"I'm okay now." He assured his sobbing companion, "Don't cry, onegai shimasu. Don't cry. It's all right. Everything is fine. Shishio-sama is always like that towards me. I was only frustrated. But you knew just how to make me feel better."

"That's because I love you."

The man froze. Had he heard correctly? Misha's face was buried in the silk of his yukata; his voice was muffled. Perhaps he had said something different? His young companion -whom he cared for deeply- could not love him. He will only wind up hurting, because my heart already belongs to Shishio-sama. I cannot love him back…This thought flickered through his brain. But his heart betrayed his mind, forcing him to remain there, holding the crying boy in his lap.

*end flashback*

"Kamatari?"

Misha's voice broke through the man's thoughts, pulling him from his reverie. He looked down at the boy by his side, taking in those velvet eyes, the pale face. "Hai?"

"I'm tired." Came the response, "How much farther until we get back?"

"Poor little Misha…Do you want to stop and take a rest, Darling?"

The boy shook his head. "Iie. I want to get back so I can go to sleep."

A troubled look crossed Kamatari's face. "I'm worried about you. It's taking you a long time to get well again. You've never been the strongest person and I know you used to get sick a lot." He lifted the boy into his arms with the intent of carrying him the rest of the way, "You had better not die on me."

"I won't, Itoshii." A sleepy smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he rested his head on his lover's shoulder, "I won't leave you now. I love you too much to leave you. I'm sorry I cause you so much trouble."

"Don't be sorry. You just get better. I'll take care of you as long as I have to." His strong arms circled round the boy, holding him close. Every day with you is a gift. I treasure them all. If anything were to happen to you, I don't know how I could go on.