Alone
It was a beautiful evening. Too beautiful for me to enjoy it. It was raining but I didn't mind. I loved the rain. It was easier to love the rain than someone real. Rain would never leave me. I could always count on it to be back in the fall and every once in while between. I could never count
that much on another human being.
Krit was sitting next to me. I could see his eyes. He was crieing. I pulled him closer and just hold him. I never cried. Only the ones who were weak cried. So I had learned. But Krit wasn't weak. I knew he wasn't. Then why
was he crying?
"Are you okay?"
Krit lifted his head from my shoulder and looked straight into my eyes with
a blank expression on his face. Creepy. What was wrong with him?
"No."
He didn't say anything else. He just stared at me. I answered his look without blinking. I wanted to turn my eyes away but couldn't. Only cowards
do that.
"No", he repeated. "You shouldn't be either."
"I've never been better."
He grabbed my arms so fast even I couldn't react. His grib was tight, his anger gave him more strenght. He shook me like trieing to make me realize something deadly important. I could've easily gotten myself out of it but
didn't. If this would make him feel better than I didn't care.
"What is the matter with you?"
I didn't understand the question. Me? What was the matter with me? I wasn't
the one acting like the end of the world had just come!
"What is the matter with you? Dopn't you have any feelings? Don't you care
about your family?"
Now I was angry. Of course I cared! Why did he think I had stayed with him? Why did he think I hadn't just disappeared into another town and left him
alone?
"Of course I care!"
"Then show some feelings, goddamit!"
Feelings. Another thing I wasn't very good at. Emotions are a weakness. I always remembered that. It had actually been a pretty good advice. I had once opened up my heart to someone I had been in love with. I had told him
everything. I had even cried. He had told me that he loved me. That had been the first since the escape that I had actually slept the whole night without waking up over the slightest little cracks that were everywhere. I
had been so happy. So in love. So naive.
The next morning I had woken up to find the place next to me empty. And
right at that moment I had made a decision.
No on would ever get that close to me.
No one would ever see who I really was.
No one would ever see mee cry.
"Syl?"
Krit spoke again. He looked really worried.
"Syl, really, just let it out. You'll feel better afterwards. I promise."
I promise. Like I had never heard those words before.
"I'm fine, really."
Krit's finger wiped over my face. He made circles around my eyes and mouth and little heart figures all over my face. He had done so since we had been little kids. It was his way to comfort. I closed my eyes. His hand made its way from my face to my neck. I loved the way he touched me. He was the only
man ever to really do so. The only one I let.
"Krit, I'm okay."
I didn't open my eyes. I didn't need to see the look on his face to know
what he was thinking.
"Sure you are."
His gentle fingers run over me. They reached my back and came rushing into
my hair.
"Krit?" I finally asked in a small voice. There was something I needed to
know.
"What is it, little one?"
"Did it really happen?"
Krit pulled me as close to himself as he possibly could and I layed my head on his chest. I could hear his heart bounding. That was one of those things
I wanted to last forever. He stroked my hair and gave me a kiss on my
forehead.
"It did, little one, it did."
We sat in the rain for hours. There was no rush. We had all the time we
needed. Krit was there with me. I wasn't alone. That made everyhting better. I knew someday he would leave, but I didn't care. I would deal with it then. But he was here now and it was raining and things could've been a
lot worse than they were.
It was a beautiful evening. Too beautiful for me to enjoy it. It was raining but I didn't mind. I loved the rain. It was easier to love the rain than someone real. Rain would never leave me. I could always count on it to be back in the fall and every once in while between. I could never count
that much on another human being.
Krit was sitting next to me. I could see his eyes. He was crieing. I pulled him closer and just hold him. I never cried. Only the ones who were weak cried. So I had learned. But Krit wasn't weak. I knew he wasn't. Then why
was he crying?
"Are you okay?"
Krit lifted his head from my shoulder and looked straight into my eyes with
a blank expression on his face. Creepy. What was wrong with him?
"No."
He didn't say anything else. He just stared at me. I answered his look without blinking. I wanted to turn my eyes away but couldn't. Only cowards
do that.
"No", he repeated. "You shouldn't be either."
"I've never been better."
He grabbed my arms so fast even I couldn't react. His grib was tight, his anger gave him more strenght. He shook me like trieing to make me realize something deadly important. I could've easily gotten myself out of it but
didn't. If this would make him feel better than I didn't care.
"What is the matter with you?"
I didn't understand the question. Me? What was the matter with me? I wasn't
the one acting like the end of the world had just come!
"What is the matter with you? Dopn't you have any feelings? Don't you care
about your family?"
Now I was angry. Of course I cared! Why did he think I had stayed with him? Why did he think I hadn't just disappeared into another town and left him
alone?
"Of course I care!"
"Then show some feelings, goddamit!"
Feelings. Another thing I wasn't very good at. Emotions are a weakness. I always remembered that. It had actually been a pretty good advice. I had once opened up my heart to someone I had been in love with. I had told him
everything. I had even cried. He had told me that he loved me. That had been the first since the escape that I had actually slept the whole night without waking up over the slightest little cracks that were everywhere. I
had been so happy. So in love. So naive.
The next morning I had woken up to find the place next to me empty. And
right at that moment I had made a decision.
No on would ever get that close to me.
No one would ever see who I really was.
No one would ever see mee cry.
"Syl?"
Krit spoke again. He looked really worried.
"Syl, really, just let it out. You'll feel better afterwards. I promise."
I promise. Like I had never heard those words before.
"I'm fine, really."
Krit's finger wiped over my face. He made circles around my eyes and mouth and little heart figures all over my face. He had done so since we had been little kids. It was his way to comfort. I closed my eyes. His hand made its way from my face to my neck. I loved the way he touched me. He was the only
man ever to really do so. The only one I let.
"Krit, I'm okay."
I didn't open my eyes. I didn't need to see the look on his face to know
what he was thinking.
"Sure you are."
His gentle fingers run over me. They reached my back and came rushing into
my hair.
"Krit?" I finally asked in a small voice. There was something I needed to
know.
"What is it, little one?"
"Did it really happen?"
Krit pulled me as close to himself as he possibly could and I layed my head on his chest. I could hear his heart bounding. That was one of those things
I wanted to last forever. He stroked my hair and gave me a kiss on my
forehead.
"It did, little one, it did."
We sat in the rain for hours. There was no rush. We had all the time we
needed. Krit was there with me. I wasn't alone. That made everyhting better. I knew someday he would leave, but I didn't care. I would deal with it then. But he was here now and it was raining and things could've been a
lot worse than they were.