And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am…

-The Goo Goo Dolls

*`~

"Kamatari?"

It was late in the evening, a beautiful September day. The sun had set and twilight had fallen. Kamatari and Misharei were sitting together on the porch of the inn, watching the fireflies and counting the stars as they came out. The two had lapsed into silence and the silence was only now broken by Misha's troubled voice.

"What's wrong, Darling?" Kamatari looked at Misha, taking in those big, soulful brown eyes. The boy's brow had furrowed, causing him to look incredibly cute. Misha, when concerned, was a strange sight.

"Did I ever tell you anything about my past?" He asked slowly, "About Mama and Papa? Or my sisters?"

Kamatari blinked. "Sisters?" This was new. He was aware of the way Misha's parents had died, leaving him alone. But he had never heard anything about any siblings.

"I was the baby…I had three sisters, Emi, Izumi and Naomi. Emi was the oldest…She was ten when I was born. Izumi was seven and Naomi was five." He leaned against Kamatari, his head on the man's shoulder as he spoke, a faint smile crossing his face, "I was like a doll to them…They liked to take care of me and dress me…"

A slow smile spread across the older man's face. Misha must have been such a sweet baby…All smiles with those big brown eyes. He could picture three older, female versions of his lover, all of them fighting over who's turn it was to change otouto-kun, or feed him, or bathe him…

"Mama and Papa died when I was ten. You know that…My sisters died of the same thing, I think…I don't really remember. I guess I was lucky…I was never sick back then." He sighed wearily, closing his eyes for a moment, "Izumi died first. She and Emi were sick at the same time, when I was still small. Naomi, she died when Mama and Papa did…and I was all alone and scared."

"Until I found you." Kamatari reminded him gently, his arm sliding around the young man's shoulder, holding him close. He hated to see the boy looking so sad; hated when he became upset.

"Hai; until you found me." Misha nodded in agreement, "I remember how things used to be…I used to wonder why my family died and I lived. Now I know."

"Ara? Why?"

"I would have never met you if they didn't die." Came the soft reply. The boy looked up earnestly, his expression deeply serious. "In death, my family gave me life."

Kamatari was stunned to silence. No one had ever said anything like that to him. Never; not once. To think that death could be a good thing, when it caused to much pain…"Then perhaps…" He began slowly, "Perhaps I can say the same thing about Shishio-sama. Perhaps I should not be so sad that he died…" There was a pause, "If he were still alive, we wouldn't…" His eyes met Misha's and he could practically see the heartbreak on the boy's face. All of his pain; his sadness…Did he cause those?

Tears were an uncontrollable part of his life those days.

"Why are you crying?" Misha asked softly, his hand finding it's way to Kamatari's cheek. He brushed away the tears, fingers soft, warm, loving.

"I don't know." The other man confessed. He looked down at the young man cradled in his lap, taking in those big brown eyes, their sleepiness and all of their secrets. Misha was concerned and this concern was written all over his face. His small hand continued to caress Kamatari's cheek lovingly, then he drew the other's face down, kissing him gently.

"Itoshii…Never be sad…" The words died on his lips as their mouths lingered together, tongues fighting a battle, making sweet love. It killed Misha to see Kamatari suffering. His heart was torn at the sight of his beloved in tears. They clung to Kamatari's long lashes; lingering before splashing and soaking into the silk of his kimono. He hated to see those tears; hated the way they fell unceasingly.

Kamatari's chest heaved as he cried. It had been a very long time since he cried without knowing the reason for crying. His head bowed over the younger man, tears falling on Misha's forehead where his bangs parted. "I love you…I love you so much…I'm sorry you had to go through all of that…I wish I could have been there so you didn't have to cry alone…When I found you…You were…"

"I was going to die." Misha quietly finished the sentence for Kamatari. "It would have been so much better if you were there…But the things we wish would never happen often do. I'm very lucky in the fact you happened upon me." He nuzzled up against his lover, head under his chin. "Maybe I did die. Maybe this is heaven…"

"Iie; you are very much alive, Darling." The seriousness of Misharei's voice caused Kamatari to smile through his tears. Nothing was ever said in jest when it came to the young man. He was so solemn about everything. "Heaven wouldn't even feel this good." He rested his chin on the top of Misha's head. "But maybe, my dearest, you are an angel."

"Iie…" A sleepy smile crossed the teen's face, "I'm no angel…I'm just in love." His face was buried in the warmth of Kamatari's chest, his words muffled. "Mama used to hold me like this too."

"…" There was nothing Kamatari could say. He didn't know what to tell his lover; he'd never lost either of his parents. He remembered them vividly; his mother, pale and wiry, fragile, gentle, kind spirited; his father, cold, cruel, overbearing…Yet still, there was that fondness for his mother. They had been in love, his parents, but they had never understood a thing about him. They were better off without him.

They had lost him.

"Mama…I loved my mama so much…I miss her…I have missed her every day for the past eight years. I think about her all the time; wonder what she's doing now and if, wherever she is, she's happy and safe…"

Kamatari felt Misha's fingers clutch tighter around his sleeve. Any tighter and he would have a bruise on his arm, but it didn't matter. What mattered was that it had only then dawned on him exactly how much Kataomoi Misharei had kept locked inside for the past eight years. He hugged him tighter, as if he was trying to absorb all of Misha's pain and sadness. "I'm sure…I'm sure your mama is very happy. She isn't suffering any more, of this I'm certain. And I'm sure she wants you to be happy and safe as well."

"I am happy, so long as I'm with you." Came the muffled reply, "You keep me safe…You love me the most out of any one I've ever known. Never leave me…Never leave me the way my mama and papa did…Dear God, that's the thing I fear most…"

"My darling, haven't I told you already? I will never leave you. Even death could not tear us apart. I would never be so cruel as to leave you behind. You're the only thing in my life that is good."

"I'm always afraid…I cause so much trouble for you and someday you will grow tired of taking care of me, Itoshii. Every one I love goes away…I need you. I can't live without you. But I know, someday, we will be apart." Misha looked away, his eyes fixed on the dirt instead. "And it scares me more than anything."

"Look at me." Kamatari drew his face back up, suddenly understanding the constant fear in Misha's eyes, "When I say I won't leave you, I mean it."

"Mama said the same thing…"

Kamatari's heart fell. How could he make Misha understand? He wasn't going to go away. He never had before; why would he decide to leave now? True, Misha was a lot of work to look after. He was so fragile, so breakable…But he didn't seem to understand. Kamatari liked taking care of him. He needed some one to look after. He would never get tired of caring for his lover. Even if the boy was sick for the rest of his life, he would always be well loved and cared for. "I'm not your Mama, Misha. And your mama…she wanted to stay. She wanted to take care of you and protect you so badly. It wasn't her fault and she didn't want to leave you all alone. Try to remember…What was the last thing your mama said to you?"

What was…? Misharei thought hard. Most of that period in his life had been blocked out; he didn't want to remember watching his family die. He could vaguely recall "…Naomi and Emi died…Mama was sad all the time and Papa hardly ever talked any more…Mama would hug me a lot, telling me not to go away too and I didn't understand. We were so poor…When my sisters were sick, they couldn't get a doctor for them."

"What else happened?" Kamatari asked softly. Misha was huddled in his arms, staring off into space, his eyes fixed on nothing. It broke his heart, seeing his companion so lost and confused.

"Papa was gone…I woke up one morning and he just wasn't there anymore. And Mama…She could hardly do anything anymore. She just sat there all the time…I cooked for her, but she couldn't eat anything. She was always coughing and always weak, but I didn't realize…She said we would always be together! Kamatari, she lied to me! She said she would never leave…" The young man burst into tears again, burying his face in Kamatari's chest. "I believed her…She told me we would always have each other and I believed her…"

"Darling…My dearest, what was the last thing you remember her telling you?" The older man struggled to control his own tears. Misha needed him to be strong…He couldn't let himself cry, not right then.

"She was laying on the bed and she could hardly even talk…" The tears fell faster now, soaking into Kamatari's clothes; the fabric muffling Misha's wavering voice as he spoke, "But she told me…She said…'I'm sorry. I couldn't keep my promise…I love you, Misharei. Be a good boy and good things will come for you. We'll be together again.' and she touched my face, smiled one last time…Then she died. She died. I didn't want her to, but she did anyway. And I was so scared…I didn't know what I would do."

Silence fell over them. Kamatari was crying now too, crying for the pain of an innocent child. What kind of cruel fate would do this to a little boy? What kind of fate would do this to any child? He enveloped his companion, sobbing into his hair, trying to understand the pain he went through. Losing Shishio-sama was nothing like losing a whole family. How could he possibly understand?

"Arigato…" Misha's whisper broke the silence that surrounded them, "Arigato for everything, Itoshii Hito. You saved me…"

"I saved you…?" The man repeated in a whisper. He had never thought that this may be possible. Misha had saved him. When he was at the edge…On the brink of despair…Misha had always been there to help him, to hold his hand, to tell him it was okay to cry. Misha had always loved him. Misha had been the redeemer, the one who was strong in the face of pain.

And now, he was bawling like a baby.

Kamatari pulled him closer. "You don't have to be strong. You don't have to hold on. You've been there too long…Let it all out right now, Darling. Never hold pain inside again. Don't ever keep things from me. I never knew how much pain you were in…All these years and I never knew. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't…You already had enough to worry about on your own. I couldn't be selfish and burden you with my problems."

"Your problems are my problems, Misha." He kissed his young friend's forehead. "We're one now…We share everything. When you're happy, I'm happy. When you're angry, I'm angry. And when you hurt, I hurt too…"

"You understand now…You understand how I've felt all these years. I cried so many times for you and you never knew."

"I knew. I always knew. Thank you, my love. Thank you…"

Misha smiled faintly, drawing back from Kamatari's chest. "Can't I get a proper thank you?" His smile widened, giving him that impish look, and his eyes -still wet with tears- sparkled.

"Iie, not right now, Darling." Kamatari had spotted Dominick and Mary strolling through the twilight towards the porch. "I'll give you your thank you later." He brushed back a strand of Misha's auburn hair, "We have an audience now."

"Good evening." Mary smiled at them both, her dark eyes dancing with contentment. Then a small frown crossed her face. "You look as if you've both been crying. Everything is all right, no?"

"We were talking about my mama and papa." Misha blinked his sleepy eyes, looking up at her, not caring that his face was streaked with tears, "The past can be very sad, no da."

She nodded. "Just so long as you treasure the good and honor those gone before you, everything will be okay. You must forwards into the future, but never forget the past." She looked at Dominick for his opinion, "This is right, no?"

He smiled, agreeing with her every word. "Yes." He inclined his head, "Very true. It's starting to get cold. We should go inside now."

"We should. Good night." She patted Misharei on the head on the way by and he smiled fondly at her, "Don't stay out too long. Nobody wants to see you sick again."

"Hai." He consented, "We will sleep soon." He watched as they made their way into the inn, then settled back into Kamatari's warm embrace. But for now…I'm perfectly content.

*`~

Mou…I updated something! YAY! And I'm on a HUGE anime high…YAY for Michaela's Fushigi Yugi boxed set =3

No da! -^_^-