Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or the lyrics to Behind Blue Eyes
It's never been easy, being the perfect soldier... the perfect weapon. I'm supposed to be cold, to have no emotions. My programming went awry somewhere I think, because I can feel. How am I supposed to go on fighting this war when I feel each person slipping away by my own hand? It's like I've fallen into a black hole from which there is no escape.
'no one knows what it's like to be the bad man to be the sad man behind blue eyes'
The other pilots don't seem to notice how I feel inside, I'm very good at hiding it from them, it's necessary if I intend to keep going on. I'm the best hope to end this war and I give the others hope, they see what I can do and they look to me for their strength. What would they do if the knew about the real me? Would they lose their tentative hold on reality, would they be able to go on if they knew I was just human after all? Would they ever forgive me for misleading them in the first place?
'and no one knows what it's like to be hated to be faded to telling only lies'
I'm only my self when I sleep, where I can let go of everything. When I dream it's always about you, and together we hold off all the nightmares. There I can tell you how I truly feel and you accept me as I am. It's the only time I feel whole, in those dead hours of the night, but then I have to wake up and put the mask back in place to fight for another day.
'but my dreams they aren't as empty as my conscious seems to be i have hours, only lonely my love is vengeance that's never free'
It's getting harder to hold in how I feel when I'm around you now. The gentle sweep of that long braid begging for me to touch it, those wonderfully deep violet eyes tempting me to lose myself in them, but I can't. If anyone knew what I felt for you, everything I fought so hard for would be lost. Imagine, the perfect soldier falling for the god of death, it's almost funny. Why do you have to make me love you? Why is it a simple touch from you can cause my mask to nearly shatter? Do you know what you're doing to me? I would hate you for it if I didn't love you so damn much.
'no one knows what its like to feel these feelings like i do, and i blame you!'
Do you know how I felt when you were captured? The way my heart stopped when I found out, not knowing if I would ever see you again. And then the rage when I thought they might do to you? I would have shot you so the cold mask would never be questioned, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. You are my one weakness and I can't let anyone know.
'no one bites back as hard on their anger none of my pain woe can show through'
I'm slipping. I called out your name last night. You were by my side shaking me awake, asking what was wrong. I was caught in your eyes and in that fuzzy moment of wakefulness I thought I was still dreaming. I kissed you and I was lost in the feeling of your soft lips until you pulled away with a gasp of surprise. For once you dropped your mask just as I had and I saw emotions flying across your face in a mass of confusion. I was wrong to have ever let myself dream of something I would never be able to have, to give myself even the slightest bit of peace and happiness, I'll never deserve it. Seeing you sit there, confusion still deep in your eyes while you look at me waiting for me to explain I realized there was only one thing I could do. I ran. None of you need a broken weapon, an imperfect soldier. I'll never be the one they look to for strength again, especially Duo. He trusted me to be his pillar to lean on and I betrayed him and proved to him what I really am in that moment of weakness. He could never feel the same about me knowing what he does.
'but my dreams they aren't as empty as my conscious seems to be i have hours, only lonely my love is vengeance that's never free'
I still fight, it's all I've ever known, but it's not the same now. It's like there's a piece of me missing... I think it might be hope. I can no longer bring myself to believe that after the war things might be different for me. I've lost the only thing other than peace that I've ever wanted. Everyday I feel the emptiness in my sole growing.
'no one knows what its like to be mistreated, to be defeated behind blue eyes
I saw you today; I don't think you noticed me watching you. I wanted to go up to you and tell you how I felt and apologize for what happened that night, but I couldn't do it. I'm too weak, too broken for you to have to even look at anymore. So I just watched you from a distance letting a smile creep onto my face as you laughed at something. You're the only one who could ever cause the mask to slip enough to cause a real smile on me. Maybe another time I'll be strong enough to talk to you and make up for what I've done.
'no one knows how to say that they're sorry and don't worry i'm not telling lies'
That night was the first in a while that I allowed my self to dream again... to think of you. We were on earth, on top of a grassy hill in the springtime and you weren't mad at me. It was bliss, but happiness never seems to last. I woke up sensing someone else in my room. I opened my eyes and my heart stopped when I realized who was looking back at me. You seemed amused by the fear that must have shone in my eyes, but you quickly got a serious look. "Why did you run away Heero?" I don't want to say it out loud, but I know you deserve to hear it. "I let you see the real me, the imperfect soldier, the one no one wants"
'but my dreams they aren't as empty as my conscious seems to be i have hours, only lonely my love is vengeance that's never free'
You just stared at me, almost like you couldn't believe what I had just said. Then you leaned over and kissed me. I was too shocked to move and when you pulled back you smiled, not like the jester's mask that you always wear, but a real one. "How could you ever think that? We all have a hidden side to us, you were just the only one with the courage to show it to someone. That means a lot, I never had the courage to show you how I felt. We all have so much weight on our shoulders, so many memories we try to suppress that we try not to let anything in so we don't get hurt. I'm glad I got to see your true self, now I'm not afraid to show you mine" With that said you kissed me again and we spent the night in each other's arms, being who we really were.
'no one knows what its like to be the bad man, to be the sad man behind blue eyes.'
I never thought anyone knew how I felt, but you helped me see the truth, and I was able to let myself be happy at last.
It's never been easy, being the perfect soldier... the perfect weapon. I'm supposed to be cold, to have no emotions. My programming went awry somewhere I think, because I can feel. How am I supposed to go on fighting this war when I feel each person slipping away by my own hand? It's like I've fallen into a black hole from which there is no escape.
'no one knows what it's like to be the bad man to be the sad man behind blue eyes'
The other pilots don't seem to notice how I feel inside, I'm very good at hiding it from them, it's necessary if I intend to keep going on. I'm the best hope to end this war and I give the others hope, they see what I can do and they look to me for their strength. What would they do if the knew about the real me? Would they lose their tentative hold on reality, would they be able to go on if they knew I was just human after all? Would they ever forgive me for misleading them in the first place?
'and no one knows what it's like to be hated to be faded to telling only lies'
I'm only my self when I sleep, where I can let go of everything. When I dream it's always about you, and together we hold off all the nightmares. There I can tell you how I truly feel and you accept me as I am. It's the only time I feel whole, in those dead hours of the night, but then I have to wake up and put the mask back in place to fight for another day.
'but my dreams they aren't as empty as my conscious seems to be i have hours, only lonely my love is vengeance that's never free'
It's getting harder to hold in how I feel when I'm around you now. The gentle sweep of that long braid begging for me to touch it, those wonderfully deep violet eyes tempting me to lose myself in them, but I can't. If anyone knew what I felt for you, everything I fought so hard for would be lost. Imagine, the perfect soldier falling for the god of death, it's almost funny. Why do you have to make me love you? Why is it a simple touch from you can cause my mask to nearly shatter? Do you know what you're doing to me? I would hate you for it if I didn't love you so damn much.
'no one knows what its like to feel these feelings like i do, and i blame you!'
Do you know how I felt when you were captured? The way my heart stopped when I found out, not knowing if I would ever see you again. And then the rage when I thought they might do to you? I would have shot you so the cold mask would never be questioned, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. You are my one weakness and I can't let anyone know.
'no one bites back as hard on their anger none of my pain woe can show through'
I'm slipping. I called out your name last night. You were by my side shaking me awake, asking what was wrong. I was caught in your eyes and in that fuzzy moment of wakefulness I thought I was still dreaming. I kissed you and I was lost in the feeling of your soft lips until you pulled away with a gasp of surprise. For once you dropped your mask just as I had and I saw emotions flying across your face in a mass of confusion. I was wrong to have ever let myself dream of something I would never be able to have, to give myself even the slightest bit of peace and happiness, I'll never deserve it. Seeing you sit there, confusion still deep in your eyes while you look at me waiting for me to explain I realized there was only one thing I could do. I ran. None of you need a broken weapon, an imperfect soldier. I'll never be the one they look to for strength again, especially Duo. He trusted me to be his pillar to lean on and I betrayed him and proved to him what I really am in that moment of weakness. He could never feel the same about me knowing what he does.
'but my dreams they aren't as empty as my conscious seems to be i have hours, only lonely my love is vengeance that's never free'
I still fight, it's all I've ever known, but it's not the same now. It's like there's a piece of me missing... I think it might be hope. I can no longer bring myself to believe that after the war things might be different for me. I've lost the only thing other than peace that I've ever wanted. Everyday I feel the emptiness in my sole growing.
'no one knows what its like to be mistreated, to be defeated behind blue eyes
I saw you today; I don't think you noticed me watching you. I wanted to go up to you and tell you how I felt and apologize for what happened that night, but I couldn't do it. I'm too weak, too broken for you to have to even look at anymore. So I just watched you from a distance letting a smile creep onto my face as you laughed at something. You're the only one who could ever cause the mask to slip enough to cause a real smile on me. Maybe another time I'll be strong enough to talk to you and make up for what I've done.
'no one knows how to say that they're sorry and don't worry i'm not telling lies'
That night was the first in a while that I allowed my self to dream again... to think of you. We were on earth, on top of a grassy hill in the springtime and you weren't mad at me. It was bliss, but happiness never seems to last. I woke up sensing someone else in my room. I opened my eyes and my heart stopped when I realized who was looking back at me. You seemed amused by the fear that must have shone in my eyes, but you quickly got a serious look. "Why did you run away Heero?" I don't want to say it out loud, but I know you deserve to hear it. "I let you see the real me, the imperfect soldier, the one no one wants"
'but my dreams they aren't as empty as my conscious seems to be i have hours, only lonely my love is vengeance that's never free'
You just stared at me, almost like you couldn't believe what I had just said. Then you leaned over and kissed me. I was too shocked to move and when you pulled back you smiled, not like the jester's mask that you always wear, but a real one. "How could you ever think that? We all have a hidden side to us, you were just the only one with the courage to show it to someone. That means a lot, I never had the courage to show you how I felt. We all have so much weight on our shoulders, so many memories we try to suppress that we try not to let anything in so we don't get hurt. I'm glad I got to see your true self, now I'm not afraid to show you mine" With that said you kissed me again and we spent the night in each other's arms, being who we really were.
'no one knows what its like to be the bad man, to be the sad man behind blue eyes.'
I never thought anyone knew how I felt, but you helped me see the truth, and I was able to let myself be happy at last.