Chapter II: The Digestive System of the Great Deku Tree
Last we checked on them, Link and Navi were on their way to see the Great Deku Tree. Well, they're still on their way to see the Great Deku Tree, but they're now lost.
Navi: I thought you knew a shortcut!
Link: I do! It just takes awhile.
Navi: Doallyourshortcutstake2hours?
Link: No! None of them do! They all take exactly 1 hour 59 minutes.
Navi: So, basically 2 hours.
Link: No, 1 hour and 59 minutes!
Navi: 2 hours!
Link: 1 hour and 59 minutes!
Navi: 2 hours!
Link: 1 hour and 59 minutes!
Navi: 2- wait a second, haven't we been here before?
Link: Maybe.
Navi: Yes we have! See, there're our footprints!
Link: You mean MY footprints. You don't have feet!
Navi: Yeah, well I'm not the one who got us lost, now am I moron!
Link: We're not lost! I know exactly where we are!
Link looks around, looking confused.
Link: Um…
Navi: Don't tell me, we're lost.
Link (energetically): Yep! Guess so!
Navi: So aren't you gonna find a way back?
(Pause)
Link: Why?
Navi: Because the Great Deku Tree is waiting for us!
(Another pause)
Link: Why?
Navi: Because he needs you to break his curse!
(Another pause)
Link: Why?
Navi: Because if you don't, he'll die!
(ANOTHER pause)
Link: So?
Navi: ARGHHH! Just do it!
Link (energetically): Ok!
So after a LONG search to find a way back, they are now on the correct path to the Great Deku Tree.
Link: La di da!
Then, all of a sudden, three stick-like figures with large purple heads pop out of the ground.
Link: AHHHHH! MOMMY! Don't let them kill me!
Link curls up into a ball and hides in a corner.
Navi: Get up you big baby! They can't even move!
Link: Huh, what? Oh, I knew that all along! (Using a formal voice now) Ha, weak inferior beings! Now that you have aroused the anger of the great Link, you shall die! I can already sense your fear!
The Deku Babas continue to snap their mouths, taking no notice of what Link just said.
Link: Resistance is useless! Now DIE!
Link cuts the stems of all three plants and they fall to the ground, lifeless.
Link: Muhahahaha!
Navi: Freak.
Link now marches to the Great Deku Tree's meadow with Navi following close behind.
Link (still in his formal voice): Great Deku Tree, I have come!
Deku Tree: It's about time! I'm not getting any younger over here!
Link (now casual): Yeah, you don't look it either.
The Deku tree gives Link an evil glare.
Deku Tree: Now, do what you're told! Go inside me and break the curse!
The Deku Tree opens up his mouth.
Link: Oh, yeah right! Bet you think I look like an easy snack, do you? Well I ain't falling for it, barkbreath! No one's eating me!
Navi: Just do what he says.
Link: So you're in on it too! What, did he promise you the head or something? That's it! I've had enough of this!
Link starts to walk away when something grabbed him by the leg.
Link: AHHHHH! IT'S GOT ME!!!!
He looked down to see one of the Deku Tree's branches around his ankle.
Link: NO! YOU EVIL TREE! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
Link was about to grab his sword when 2 more branches grabbed his arms.
Link (glaring at the tree): Cheater.
Then the Deku Tree threw Link inside his mouth and Navi went in after him.
Link: NOOOOOO!
Then the mouth closed shut.
Link: I officially hate trees. Never mention the word tree ever again, especially ones that can talk and like to eat little boys.
Navi: Tree.
Link (giving Navi an evil look): I hate you.
Navi: HEY!
Link: What?
Navi: LISTEN!
Link: I already was.
Navi: LOOK!
Link: AT WHAT!?!
Navi: I think you can break through this web if you fall from a high place.
Link: Or I could just do this.
Link takes out his sword and cuts the web open.
Navi: Hey! That's not the way it's supposed to go!
Link: Well that's the way it's gonna be, so get used to it!
Navi (giving Link an evil look): I hate you.
Link then jumped down into the water below, and Navi fluttered down after him. Well, at least he thought it was water.
Link: Yuk! What the heck is this stuff? Ach! It stings!
Navi: Well, what's inside of your stomach?
Link: Ouch! Hot! Get me outta here!
Link quickly jumped out of the stuff and ran into the nearby door.
Link: Blecch! Gross!
Link was shaking off the stuff when a nut came out of nowhere and hit him.
Link: Ow! What the?
He looked around and saw a single, small Deku Scrub looking strait at him.
Link: Oh, so you're the smart guy who thought it'd be cool to hit me with a nut, huh?
The Deku Scrub stared back, innocently.
Link: Well I've got news for you, DIE!
Link charged at the scrub, but it ducked into the ground and Link went slamming into the wall.
Link: OUCH!
The scrub then popped back out and shot Link in the butt with a nut.
Link: OW! Hey! I'm gonna kill you scrub!
The scrub makes an evil little giggle and pops back in its hole.
Link: Yeah, right. Like that's gonna work this time!
Link goes over and grabs the scrub by the…hair? Anyway, he pulls him up out of the ground.
Deku Scrub: Ow! I'm sorry mister! If you let me go I'll never do it again!
Link: Yeah right! Like I'm supposed to trust you!
Deku Scrub: Ok, and I'll give you a clue of how to beat my brothers up ahead.
Link: And?
Deku Scrub: Sigh Ok, and I'll give you a really cool slingshot.
Link: Cool! All right, it's a deal!
Deku Scrub: Ok, in order to beat my brothers up ahead you'll have to beat them in the proper order. The order is, 2-3-1. Oh, and here's the slingshot.
Link: Ok, Navi. Let's go!
Link and Navi reached the scrub's room, where they found three Deku Scrubs sitting around a blank T.V., all eating popcorn. All of a sudden, all three burst out laughing.
D.S.#2: Hahaha! That's so funny!
D.S.#1: Yeah, it is.
D.S.#3: Wait! Here comes the good part!
(Pause)
D.S. #s 1, 2, and 3: HAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Link: Whatcha watching?
D.S.#3: The T.V.
Link: Ooooo! I love this channel!
He sits down with the scrubs.
(Pause)
All four of them: Ahhhhhhh!
D.S.#2: Boy! That was scary!
Link: Yeah, it was! I nearly wet my pants!
D.S.#1: I really wet my pants!
D.S.#3: You don't have any pants.
D.S.#1: Oh, woops!
Navi: Ahem!
Link: What?
Navi: Don't you have something to do?
Link: Oh, fine. Hey guys, which one of you are scrubs 1, 2, or 3?
D.S.#1: Well, he's number 2, I'm number 1 and that guy's number 3.
Link: Thanks.
He takes out his slingshot and shoots them in the proper order.
D.S.#2: Ow.
He freezes.
D.S.#3: Ow.
He freezes.
D.S.#1: Ow.
He starts hopping around the room. Link goes over and grabs him by the…hair?
D.S.#1: Ouch! Hey, that hurts! If you let me go I'll tell you how to beat Queen Ghoma.
Link: I think I've got a better idea. (He drags him over to the door.) How about you beat her for me?
Link shoves him in the door and goes in after him.
D.S.#1: NOOOOOO!
Ghoma falls to the ground right in front of the scrub. The scrub starts to pelt her with nuts.
Link (sitting on a folding chair while eating some popcorn): Ha! Not so tough when you don't have your little holes to hide in, now are you?
Ghoma is lying on the floor stunned but the scrub isn't doing any real damage to her. Then he runs out of ammo.
D.S.#1: Oh shoot!
Link: Well you can't so ha!
Ghoma comes back to her senses and squashes the scrub like a bug. She then turns to Link.
Link: What a loser! Ok your highness, let's go!
He tosses some popcorn at her eye, which makes her stop to rub it. Link quickly runs up and slashes at it, and after a few swings she lays at his feet.
Link: Wimp.
Suddenly, a blue light and a heart appear.
Link: Oooo! Pretty heart!
Navi: I don't know if you should touch that!
Link: Yeah, right. What harm could it do?
He takes it and runs into the blue portal. He suddenly appears back at the Deku Tree's meadow.
Deku Tree: Well Link, you broke the curse. But since you're an idiot and took my heart out, I'm gonna die anyway.
Link: Oh well. Nobody liked you anyway.
The Deku Tree gives Link a dirty look.
Deku Tree: Since the game programmers have made me give you this stone, which is beyond my control, take it and leave me to die in peace!
He throws it at Link, which hits him in the head.
Link: Ow.
Deku Tree: Oh, and you get Navi too.
Navi: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!? Great Deku Tree, why do I have to go with him!?!?!?!?!?! Can't you stop it?!?!?
Deku Tree: Nope! Game programming!
Navi: ARGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deku Tree: Now get outta here!
Link hops out of the meadow and Navi (reluctantly) follows. But they don't get too far.
Mido: You killed him, didn't you!?!
Link: No, Navi did.
Navi: HEY!
Mido: Well I don't care who killed him, I'm making you leave!
Link: Yeah, you and what army?
Mido: This one.
All the Kokiri (minus Saria) appear suddenly behind Mido.
Link: Oh.
Mido: Leave now and never come back.
Link: No.
Mido: Leave now and never come back.
Link: No.
Mido: Leave now and never come back!
Link (energetically): Ok!
He walks towards the exit of the forest, but is stopped by Saria.
Saria: Hey Link. Leaving?
Link: Yep!
Saria: Here take this!
She hands him an ocarina.
Link: Ok, thanks!
Saria: Bye!
Link: Bye!
END OF CHAPTER