Chapter III: The Princess of Hyrule
Link: Whoa! This place is bigger than Mido!
Link and Navi are looking out onto the vast Hyrule Field.
Link: So where do we go next?
Navi: I don't know, why don't you ask someone?
Link: Who?
Strange Voice: Boo.
Link: AHHHHHH!
Kaepora Gaebora: Haha, scared you!
Link: Never…do that…again!
Kaepora Gaebora: Sorry, I couldn't help it!
Link: Who are you anyway?
Kaepora Gaebora: Um…I'm…your guardian angel!
Link: Wow. I didn't know angels were so ugly!
Kaepora Gaebora (giving link an evil glare): As your guardian angel you must listen to me. You must go to Hyrule Castle to see the Princess there.
(Pause)
Link: Why?
Navi: Oh no! Not again!
Kaepora Gaebora: Because she needs you to help her save Hyrule.
(Another pause)
Link: Why?
Kaepora Gaebora: Because it's your destiny!
(ANOTHER pause)
Link: Why?
Kaepora Gaebora: ARGHHH! Just do it!
Link (energetically): Ok!
Navi: Do you have to do that every chapter?
Link: Yep!
Kaepora Gaebora: Now get going!
Link: All right! See ya!
The "angel" flies off and Link and Navi continue no their way to the castle. So they walk, and walk, and walk, and walk, and walk, and walk, and walk, and walk. Then just for the heck of it they walk some more. Eventually, late in the day, they reach a hill. When they reached the top they could see the castle drawbridge.
Link: I think I've seen that somewhere before…oh well!
Navi: Come on! We gotta get there before dark!
Link: All right! You don't need to get all huffy about it!
Navi: Well we'd probably be there already if it wasn't for your little shortcut!
Link: Well it doesn't matter anymore. We're almost there.
Link and Navi are now standing in front of the closed drawbridge.
Navi: I told you we shouldn't have taken that shortcut!
Link: Yeah, well if you didn't keep on telling me to stop at every sign along the way maybe we would have made it!
Navi: Well you had to stop to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes!
Link: Well you had to-Wait! Did you hear something?
Navi: Yeah.
Link: What do ya think it was?
Navi: Dunno. Maybe it was-
Link: There it was again!
Navi: M-m-maybe we should go and find a place to stay.
Link: Yeah.
They had just turned to go when something suddenly popped out of the ground.
Link: AHHHHHH! It's coming to get me!
He starts to run in the opposite direction when two more pop out of the ground in front of him.
Link: AHHHHH!
Some more pop out and soon both Navi and Link are surrounded. Then, one of the skeleton like creatures start to talk.
Stalchild #5: Hehe. Looks like some kid was stupid enough to be out after dark.
Stalchild #7: We're gonna have some fun tonight!
Stalchild #3: You're gonna regret this kid!
Link: Oh, you wanna play, huh? Ok. Let's play.
Link unsheathes his sword.
Stalchild #6: Hey, um, boss? He's got a shiny, pointy thing.
Stalchild #1: So?
Stalchild #4: We might get hurt.
Stalchild #1: Oh you big babies! There's 10 of us and only two of them! We'll cream them! Now, come on!
Link cuts off the heads of two of them and they wander around with their hands out in front of them.
Stalchild #2: Where'd my head go, or my body? How am I talking? I'll just sit on this rock and think, without my head.
Stalchild #2 sits on top of his head.
Link slices off a few more heads, and in a couple of minutes there are ten headless stalchildren running around.
Link: Ha! Suckers!
Then the sun comes up.
Stalchild #4: Ach! The sun! It blinds my eyes that I no longer have!
Stalchild #1: Come on guys! Let's scram!
They all disappear into the ground.
Link: What losers! Anyway the drawbridge is down, so let's go in!
Navi: You know, this all wouldn't have happened if you didn't take that shortcut.
Link: Hey! Don't start that again!
They walk over the drawbridge and into Hyrule Market.
Link: Listen, I hear music!
Navi: Hey! That's my line!
They hear some music in the distance. As they get closer they distinguish it.
Link: AHHHHH! RAP MUSIC! RUN!!!!
The both of them run through the Market, getting glimpses of gangs and graffiti walls. They finally reach the other end of town.
Link: I never want to go through there again!
Navi: Well too bad, because you have to go back that way.
Link (In a melancholy voice): Don't remind me.
Voice from Link's right: Hey!
Link: AHHHHH! It's one of them!
Malon: No, my name's Malon.
Link: Oh.
Malon: Oooo! You're a fairy boy from the forest, aren't you?
Link: Great. I go from Mr. No Fairy, to fairy boy.
Malon: Are you going to the castle?
Link: Who wants to know?
Malon: If you are would you get my dad for me? He probably fell asleep. If you do, I'll give you this egg.
Link: What would I want a stupid egg for?
Navi hits him in the side.
Link: Ow! Oh, fine. I'll find your dad.
Malon: Oh, thank you! Here's the egg I promised.
Link: Ok, Navi. Come on.
They come to the castle gates and are face-to-face with a guard.
Link (In his formal voice): O great guard of the castle, willist thou let the cute, young, helpless, poor-
Navi: Get on with it already!
Link: Oh. Great guard, please, let me pass!
Guard (felling important): Yes young child, I shall let thou pass.
Link: Thank you, great guard of the castle, I-
Guard: For ten rupees.
Link (casual again): WHAT? TEN RUPEES! What an outrage! I'm not paying that much just to get through a stupid gate!
Link marches off back towards the market. On the way, though, he sees a vine on the gate's walls.
Link: Hehe. I think I've found my way up!
Link climbs up the vine, sneaks past all the guards, and swims to the side of the castle by way of the moat. As he gets out he hears what sounds like a giant roar.
Link: Ahhh! W-w-what's that?
He takes out his sword, shaking worse than the rumble feature. As he rounds the corner, he sees a huge lump on the ground.
Link: gulp O-o-ok, h-here I go.
Link charges at the lump, but stops a few feet from it, surprised.
Link: AHHHHH! It's worse than I thought! It's a-a-BIG FAT GUY!!!!
Navi: Maybe he's that one girl's father?
Link: Yeah, I do see a resemblance.
Navi: Now Link, don't be mean.
Link: Oh, I'm sorry guy. I didn't mean to insult you.
Navi: Arghh!
Link: Um…will you wake up?
Fat Guy: Snore
Link: HEY! WAKE UP!
Fat Guy: Snore
Link: Bacon!
Fat Guy: Bacon! Where?
Link: Sorry, Navi ate it all.
Navi: Hey!
Fat Guy: Awww. Oh well. Hi! My name's Talon! I own Lon Lon Ranch!
Link: Are you Malon's father?
Talon: Yeah, why?
Link: Because she's looking for you.
Talon (sounding terrified): O-o-oh n-n-no! Sh-sh-she'll kill me! AHHHHH!
Talon runs off.
Link: Ok…that was weird.
Navi: Come on! I see a hole in the side of the castle! Maybe you could fit through!
Link: All right! Keep your pants on…or your little fairy dust…or whatever.
Link gets into the hole and crawls into the castle. He runs over to a wall but suddenly stops. Navi runs into his back.
Navi: Ow! Hey! What's the big idea?
Link (in a whisper): Look!
She looks around the corner and sees a few guards circling a pillar.
Guards: Ring around the pillar! A pocket full of…Miller?
Link: That's it then! We can't get past that!
Navi: Oh stop it.
Link: Wait! I've just had an idea!
Navi: What?
Link takes out the egg and tosses it over to the opposite corner.
Guard #2: Hey! What was that?
Guard #1: Maybe some kid tossed it to get us off guard so he could get to the princess.
Guard #2: Then let's go see what it is!
Guard #1: Ok!
The guards leave to go see the egg and Link and Navi slip past them.
Link: Boy! That was easy!
Navi: There's the princess's courtyard!
Link and Navi walk into the courtyard and see a girl sitting on one of the stone rails of a platform. Link walks up behind her and sees that she is holding a GBA.
Link: Whatcha playing?
The Princess: A Link to the Past.
Link: Ooooo! I love this game!
He sits down next to her.
The Princess: My name's Zelda. What's yours?
Link: Link. Where are you?
Zelda: Well, I'm in the fourth level, the one with the Blind dude. But I'm stuck getting to the boss room.
Link: Oh, yeah. That part's hard.
Voice From the other side of the room: Ahem!
Zelda: Oh. Hi Impa.
Impa: Aren't you forgetting something?
(Zelda stops playing to think)
Zelda: Oh yeah! I forgot the boss key! I can't believe myself! How could I have been so dumb!
Impa: Anything else?
(She stops to think again)
Zelda: Nope! I think I'm set after that!
Impa: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THINKING OF A WAY TO SAVE HYRULE!
Zelda: Ok! No need to throw a cow! Just let me finish this temple!
She tries to ignore Impa and continue playing but Impa grabs the GBA and throws it into the moat.
Zelda: Hey! Why'd ya do that?
Impa: You have 20 others just like it.
Zelda: Yeah, but that was my favorite one!
Impa: Ahem!
Zelda: Oh fine! Hey Link, do ya wanna be the Hero of Time?
Link: Sure!
Zelda: Ok then! All you have to do is go and find two other stones just like the one you already have and bring them back to the Temple of Time.
Link: All right, sounds easy enough. But how'd you know about my stone?
Zelda: Game programming.
Link: Oh.
Zelda: Here, take this letter. It's got my autograph on it so you can basically do whatever you want.
Link: Ok thanks!
Zelda: Impa will teach you some song that's supposed to help you somehow.
Link: All right.
Impa: Ok, follow my lead.
She plays some notes on her…fingers? Anyway, Link plays them back perfectly somehow. Must be the game programming.
Impa: I will now lead you back out of the castle.
Link: Ok, but do you know a way to skip the market?
Impa: Nope!
Link: Oh darn it.
So after surviving the market, they reach the drawbridge.
Impa: You should head to Kakariko Village. The mountain that shadows it, Death Mountain, is where the Gorons live. They have the second stone.
Link: All right! I'll get to it then! Bye!
Impa disappears in a flash of light.
Navi: Wow! The Hero of Time! I wonder what Saria would say?
Link: Why would you wonder that?
Navi: Game programming.
Link: Oh.
Navi: So let's go see her!
Link: Fine.
So they head back to the forest.
END OF CHAPTER