Chapter V: Guards, Graveyards, and Gorons, Oh My!
Guard: Welcome to Kakariko Village, home of human clocks and crazy cucco keepers.
Link: What's a human clock?
Guard: Me! The time is…(checks his watch)…56:79!
Link: Oh…and what's a cucco?
Guard: That!
He points to a cucco only a few yards away.
Link: Oh! A chicken!
Guard: No, a cucco!
Link: Huh?
Guard: Cuccos are cuter.
Link: Ooookaaay…
Link walks over to the cucco.
Link: Hello little cucco! DIE!
He starts to charge at it but Navi stops him.
Navi: I don't know if that would be a very smart thing to do…
Link: Yeah, well you don't know nothing! AHAHAHA!
He repeatedly swipes at the chick-I mean cucco with his sword. But then…
Cucco: COCK-A-DODLE-DOOOOOO!!!!!!
Link: What?!?
Cucco: COCK-A-DODLE-DOOOOOO!!!!!!
Link: Come again?
Cucco: COCK-A-DODLE-DOOOOOO!!!!!!
All of a sudden, a swarm of chick-I mean cuccos come out of nowhere and charge at Link.
Link: AHHHH! OH NO! IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE KILLER CHICKENS!
Guard: CUCCOS!
Link: Yeah, whatever. AHHHHH! RUN!
Link runs away, having absolutely no clue of were he was going. Eventually, he reaches an archway, and finds himself in a…
Link: G-g-g-graveyard!
Navi: M-m-maybe we should turn back.
Link: And face the evil, killer chickens of doom again? Not for me!
Guard: CUCCOS!
Link: Yeah, whatever.
He walks over to the back of the graveyard where he finds a huge headstone with a symbol engraved on the ground in front of it.
Navi: LOOK!
Link: Ow! Would you stop doing that?!
Navi: There's the Triforce on the ground here!
Link: I know what to do!
He pulls out his ocarina.
Navi: How'd ya know that?
Link: Game Programming.
Navi: Oh.
He plays some random notes and accidentally plays the song Impa taught him; Zelda's Lullaby. All of a sudden, a storm starts and some lightning somehow hits the gravestone, shattering it to pieces.
Link: Cool!
He goes over to where there used to be a gravestone. Now, there's just a hole in the ground.
Link: It looks kinda deep.
Navi: Why don't you go in?
Link: Yeah right! Do you think I look like an idiot?
Navi: Yeah.
Link (giving Navi an evil look): I hate you.
Navi pushes him in.
Link: AHHHHH!
She follows.
Link: Whoa, it's dark in here!
He walks a few paces then hears some noises.
Link: W-what was that?
As if from nowhere, four bat-like things fly down from the ceiling and attack Link.
Link: AHHHH! GO AWAY EVIL BAT THINGS!
Navi: Actually, they're called Keese.
Link: I don't care what they're called! Just how do I kill them?!
Navi: Use the slingshot, duh!
Link: Oh.
He shoots all four down quite quickly and the door ahead opens.
Link: Come on! Let's go before any more of those things come! But you can stay if you want to.
Navi: No.
Link: Oh darn it.
Link and Navi walk into the next room, which is glowing with an eerie green light.
Link: Gulp H-h-here I g-go.
Link slowly walks forward. As he reaches the end of the corridor, he sees a terrifying sight.
Link (absolutely terrified): Oh my…
There are 4 tall figures in the room, all of which are wearing pink, flowery dresses. And all of them are chanting some weird saying.
Re-dead #3: Iowoveuooooo.
Link: W-w-what a-are they s-s-saying?
Navi: I-it s-sounds like…I-I-I love you!
Link: Oh n-no!
One of the ReDeads comes toward Link.
Re-dead #1(In a REALLY shrill voice): Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!
Link: AHHHHH!
Re-Dead #1: My name's Ned, Ned the Re-dead!
Link: M-m-m-m-m-my n-n-n-n-name's L-L-L-Link.
Ned (in his shrill voice): Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
Link: AHHHHHHHHHH!
Ned hugs Link.
Ned: Iowoveuooooo.
Link: GET AWAY FROM ME YOU BARNEY WANNA BE!
Link cuts off one of Ned's arms and runs off towards the other side of the room. He looks back to see two other ReDeads helping Ned tape his arm back on.
Link: AHHHHHHHHHHH-hey! We're out!
Navi: Hey! Look at this wall! There's something written on it!
Link: Ooooo! A poem!
Poem (not out loud of course): I'm not very good at these things, but here it goes!
A rising son will wake up cranky, a boring life will…fade?
From son to daughter, daughter to…grandson?
Give peaceful rest to… guys in pink?!
By Me.
Link: Wow. I wish I were that talented.
Navi: Yeah, I bet you do.
Link: Hey look, some notes!
Link plays the notes perfectly, like always, and somehow memorizes them forever.
Link: Cool!
Navi: How are we gonna get out?
Link: Hmmmm…
Link: Haha! It worked!
Link had just played the song and all the ReDeads in the room were now frozen solid. He went up to Ned and put out his tongue.
Link: Nana nener neeener! Ha! Loser!
Then Ned came back to consciousness.
Link: Oh no.
Ned: Iowoveuooooo!
Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He runs out of the room as quickly as possible.
Link (trying to catch his breath): That…was…the scariest thing…I have…ever seen!
Navi: I thought it was hilarious!
Link (giving Navi an evil look): I hate you.
As Link exited the cave he was "greeted" by a couple of ghosts.
Ghost # 2: Boo!
Link: AHHHHHH!
Ghost #1: Hi! My name's Sharp, and I dress well. That's my brother Flat. He has problems with cars.
Link: H-h-hi.
Flat: Hey! Did you learn our secret song!?
Link (in a high squeaky voice): Yeah.
Sharp: Ooooh, you're gonna pay…
Link: I'm sorry! I didn't mean-
Sharp: Fifty rupees.
Link: …Oh.
Flat: Yeah, that's not freeware ya know!
Link: Sure, here.
Link hands them the rupees.
Sharp: Pleasure doing business with you!
Flat: Come again!
Link: O-Ok.
The two ghosts disappear.
Link: Ok…that was weird.
Navi: Come on. Let's go.
Link: Yeah.
So they left the graveyard, but forgot one thing…
Link: AHHHHHHH! KILLER CHICKENS OF DOOM!
Guard: CUCCOS!
Link: Yeah, whatever. RUN!
He runs from the chick- I mean cuccos, but is stopped by a lady along the way.
Lady: Please, help me find my chick-I mean cuccos!
Link: What do you think those are!?
He points up towards the angry cuccos.
Lady: Oh, thank you! Now just find a way to get them into the pen.
Link: You do it lady. I'm tired of dealing with-
She pulls out a machine gun.
Link: Oh no. Not again. Let me guess, you got it off a site called "Machine guns for chicken keepers who want to kill a guy named Link"?
Lady: No. I just had this in my dresser.
Link: Oh.
Lady: Now, CAPTURE MY CHICK-I MEAN CUCCOS!
Link: Fine, lady. HEY CHICK-I MEAN CUCCOS! COME ON DOWN HERE!
The cuccos dive towards Link.
Link: Oh crud.
In a flash, Link pulls out his slingshot and shoots all the cuccos.
Cucco #4: Ow.
He freezes
Cucco #5: Ow.
He freezes.
This goes on, and soon there are seven frozen cuccos lying in the pen.
Lady: Oh, thank you! Here's a reward for you!
She hands him a bottle.
Link: What am I supposed to do with this!?
Lady: It's a bottle! You can store things in it like potions, bugs, and fairies.
Link looks at Navi, grinning evilly.
Navi: What?! Why are you looking at me like that?!?
Link now was at the gate to the path up Death Mountain. There was a guard at the gate, keeping watch.
Link: Hey mister! Can you let me through?
Guard: Nope.
Link: Hey! Why not?!
Guard: Don't got no password.
Link: Well shoot! Where's Navi when you need her?
Navi (muffled): In your pocket moron!
Link: Oh yeah!
He pulls out his new bottle, and inside of it is Navi.
Link: Hey! What do I do?
Navi: Let me out and I'll tell you.
(Pause)
Link: Why?
Navi: I just gave you a reason, moron! So do it!
Link (energetically): Ok!
He lets Navi out of the bottle.
Navi (grinning evilly): Now, go hit your head against that wall for a while, then it will open.
Link: All right.
He hits his head until it gives him a headache.
Link (exhausted): Owwwww!
Navi: Haha! Sucker!
Link (trying to give Navi an evil look but really just looking stupid): I hate you.
Navi: Have you tried that letter that the Princess gave you?
Link: Um…no.
Navi: Well?
Link pulls out the letter and reads it.
Letter (not out loud): Hey, this is Zelda. This kid is gonna save Hyrule, so do what he says. And here's this password thingy that some guard might want: Bubblybutt.
Link: Hey! How did you know about the password?
Letter (still not out loud): P.S. Game programming.
Link: Oh. Hey, guard dude! The password is Bubblybutt!
Guard: It is?
Link: Um…yeah.
Guard: Ok! Go on through!
Link: Thanks!
They begin to walk up the pass, and after a little while, they see something up ahead.
Link: Hey, what's that?
The thing starts to scuffle in a circle until it faces Link. Then it starts to jump towards him.
Link: AHHHHHHH!
Navi: Do you have to get afraid of every enemy along the way?
Link: Actually, yes.
He pulls out a sheet of paper.
Link: According to my contract, rule #2 is I have to scream at every enemy along the way with the exceptions of Deku scrubs and the bosses.
Navi: Ooookaaay.
Link: Anyway, ahem, AHHHHHHHHH!
Link runs away, passing the Tektite who isn't fast enough to catch up. He goes on until he reaches a boulder, with a smaller boulder next to it.
Link: I gotta take a breather.
He sits down on top of the rock…well; at least he thought it was a rock.
Rock: Goro?
The rock sits up and Link falls off it, backwards.
Link: AHHHHHHHH!
Goron: Hello. I'm a Goron. We eat rocks.
Link: And what makes you think I'd wanna know that?!
Goron: Um…game programming?
Link: Yeah, sure.
Goron: But lately, we haven't been able to get to our favorite rocks. They're in the Dodongo's Cavern. This rock here is blocking the entrance so we can't get in.
Link: Why don't you just eat the rock?
Goron: Um…game programming?
Link: Yeah, right. See ya!
He continues on the path when, all of a sudden, the ground starts to shake.
Link: W-what i-is t-that?
In the distance, he saw something heading towards him at high speed.
Link: AHHHHHHH!
It was one of the Gorons, curled up into a ball. Link started to run, but wasn't nearly fast enough. He got smashed into the ground by the runaway Goron.
Link: Owwwww! Ohhh, my head.
The Goron had run into a wall and now was sitting up.
Goron: Hello. I'm a Goron. We eat rocks.
Link (annoyed): I know.
Goron: Have you been to our city? It's only a little ways away.
Link: No, but I have to go there.
Goron: Ok, all you have to do is go strait that way, take a right at the third rock, then go left after the first wood pole, another left at the next rock you see, then walk backwards to the wood pole and circle it twenty-three and a half times. After all that, go southeast towards the cliff over there and walk along the border until you reach a second wood pole. Tell it the password: bob, and then the city will appear over to your left. Got it?
Link: Snore
Navi: ARGGHHH! Bacon!
Link: Huh? Bacon! Where?
Goron: All right, see ya!
Link: Yeah…um…bye!
The Goron leaves them.
Link: So, what did he say?
Navi: Sigh He said all you have to do is go strait that way, take a right at the third rock, then go left after the first wood pole, another left at the next rock you see, then walk backwards to the wood pole and circle it twenty-three and a half times. After all that, go southeast towards the cliff over there and walk along the border until you reach a second wood pole. Tell it the password: bob, and then the city will appear over to your left. Got it?
Link: Snore
Navi (in a monotone): Great. Bacon.
Link: Huh? Bacon! Where?
Navi: Just find the city already! The readers will get bored!
Link (energetically): Ok!
So Navi guides Link to the city, but they still get lost a couple of times taking some of Link's, "shortcuts". Anyway, after a while they get to the city.
Link: Whoa! This is one big cave!
Navi: I wouldn't say that their home is a cave.
(Pause)
Link: Why?
Navi: I'm not playing that game anymore!
Link: Awww.
Goron: Hello. I'm a Goron. We eat rocks.
Link (annoyed): So I've heard. Hey, where's your king?
Goron: Oh, Big Brother? He locked himself up in his room.
Link: Where's that?
Goron: Down there.
The Goron points to the bottom floor.
Link: That's a long way down!
Navi (grinning evilly): Hehe!
She pushes Link off the edge.
Link: AHHHHH!
Navi flew down after him.
Link: What'd ya do that for?
Goron: You could have taken the stairs.
Navi: Woops.
Link (giving Navi an evil look): I hate you.
Link walks over to "Big Brother's" door, which has another Goron sitting next to it.
Goron: Hello. I'm a Goron. We-
Link (annoyed again): Yeah, yeah, I know. You eat rocks. Just tell me how to get through this door.
Goron: Oh. Um…knock?
Link knocks.
Voice from inside: Hello?
Link: Um…Hi. I'm Link. I have to talk to you.
Voice from inside: Well talk to me some other time! I'm not letting anyone in! Luckily I took the key from under the doormat…wait! Where is it?! Oh crud!
Link goes over to the mat and gets the key.
Link: Haha. Loser!
He opens the door and walks inside. He sees a REALLY big Goron standing in the back of the room.
Link: Hey, guy! I need the spiritual stone!
"Big Brother": Hey! I do have a name you know. It's Darunia.
Link: Oh, sorry.
Darunia: But you can't have the spiritual stone.
Link: Why not!
Darunia: Because I'm in a bad mood.
Link: Ooookaaaay…why's that?
Darunia: Because…I-I looked in a mirror the other day, and realized…t-that…I'm fat!
He starts to bawl like a baby.
Link: Awww. I'm sorry big guy.
Darunia starts to cry even louder.
Link: I meant little guy! Little!
Darunia: Sniff Ok.
Link: Hey! Wanna hear a song that's supposed to make you give me the spiritual stone?
Darunia: Ok!
Link plays the song and Darunia starts to dance like mad, knocking over pots and other objects as he waltzes around the room. Eventually, the music stops.
Darunia: Hey! That's one catchy tune!
Link: Thanks. Now do I get the spiritual stone?
Darunia: Nope.
Link: WHY NOT!?!
Darunia: Game programming.
Link: Oh. I'm starting to dislike this game programming stuff.
Darunia: But I will give you this!
He hands Link a golden bracelet.
Link: Girls jewelry!?
Darunia: No. It's GORONS jewelry. If you put it on you'll be super strong!
Link: Great.
Darunia: If you go beat the evil things inside of Dodongo's Cavern, THEN I'll give you the spiritual stone.
Link: Fine! Have it your way!
Link stomps out of the room in rage. He exits the city looking really annoyed.
Link: I HATE Gorons. Never mention the word Goron again. Especially ones that like to rip off little boys.
Navi: Goron.
Link: Argghhh!
Navi: So how're we gonna get past the rock?
Link: Dunno.
They walk around pointlessly until they meet a Goron who is standing next to some weird looking flower.
Goron: Hello. I'm a-
Link: DON'T, say it.
Goron: Ok.
Link: What is that?
Goron: That's a Bomb Flower. They can blow stuff up.
Link: Cool. Can they blow up big rocks?
Goron: Um…dunno. Probably.
Link: Hehe.
He picks it up and throws it off the cliff. Somehow, it miraculously lands on top of the rock and it blows to pieces.
Link: All right! Bull's eye!
Navi: Come on! Let's go!
Link (annoyed): All right! I'm coming!
END OF CHAPTER