Chapter VI: The Dodongo's "Explosive" Cavern
Link: Darn it! Why won't it break!?
Link had been trying to break down a wall that stood in their way for the past hour. His hands were bruised and his head was throbbing. (Navi had used the same mean trick on him that she used at the gate.)
Navi: Link! Will you just-
Link: I'm not listening! I'm not listening!
Navi: Sigh
Link kept on banning against the wall, until he became just too tired to do so, and sat down.
Link (in a whiney sort of voice): Why won't it open!
He looked around the room and saw a strange box.
Link: Hey! What's that?
Navi (in an "I told you so" voice): I've been trying to tell you for the past hour, you have to pay this box to get through!
Link: Oh. Well if you'd just stop telling me lies, maybe I would have listened!
Navi: Yeah, well you're the one who stuck me in a bottle!
Link: Well I wouldn't have if you weren't such a blabbermouth!
Navi: Well…ARGGHHHHHHH!
Link: Haha! I win!
Navi: You so do not!
Link: Uh huh.
Link walked over to the strange box and read the plaque above it.
Plaque (not out loud): Welcome to Dodongo's Explosive Cavern! Please deposit 10 rupees if you wish to enter. If you do, please note that you agree to our "Terms of Agreement".
Link: What are those?
Plaque (still not out loud): Look at the fine print near the bottom of this notice for the "Terms of Agreement".
Link: Oh.
At the bottom he read,
Plaque (still not out loud): The "Terms of Agreement" are:
You do not hold us responsible for any injuries occurred during your stay, Once you enter there are no refunds and, Do not feed the Dodongos.Link: Ok.
He put in some rupees and the wall in front of them shattered.
Link: Ha! I am triumphant!
Navi: Geek.
Link walks through the newly opened doorway and finds himself in a huge room, with a lava pit at the bottom. There are three pillars in the lava and a large pillar in the center of all of them.
Link: Well…here goes nothing!
Navi: Don't you mean everything?
Link: Yeah, sure. Whatever.
Link jumps onto one of the pillars and instantly, all three begin to sink into the lava.
Link: AHHHHH! IT'S SINKING!
Navi: Well do something!
Link: What?!
Navi: Anything!
Link (energetically): Ok!
Link gets on his knees
Link: Please! Let it stop!
The pillars were inches from the lava when suddenly they stopped.
Link: Huh?
Navi: It stopped!
Link: Yay! Thank you!
He got up and then the pillar started to rise.
Link: Um…what's happening?
Navi: You expect me to know!?!
Link: Yeah.
Navi: Uggghhhh.
The pillar reached the same height as the large, central pillar. Link jumped off onto it and saw something sitting on the center of it.
Link: Ok…now what is that!?
Link walked up to it and stared at the spinning, ball looking thing on the top of it. As it spun around, Link eventually saw that it had one, big eye.
Link: Hi!
Eye thing: (blinks at Link once then fires a laser at him.)
Link: AHHHHHH!
Link started to run in circles around the eye thing, away from the laser that was following him. He does this for a couple of hours until the eye thing malfunctions and blows up.
Link: Yay!
The fried eye fires a single laser beam at Link and hits him in the stomach.
Link: Ow! Hey!
Link jumps over to the right side of the room, and goes into a door. He begins to walk through the hallway when three things pop out of the ground.
Link: AHHHH-oh.
They were three baby Dodongos.
Link: Awww,they're so cute.
One of the baby Dodongos came up to Link and bit his nose.
Link (nasally): Ow! Hey! Let go of my nose!
Link shook his head and the baby Dodongo went flying into the wall. It started to flash red then, all of a sudden it blew up.
Link: AHHHH!
He went flying into the air and went thud against the ground.
Link: Owwwwwww!
The other baby Dodongos came over to Link and jumped on his back, slashing and biting him.
Link: Ow! Will you just stop it!
He got up and threw both them into the wall. They too, started to flash and blew up. Suddenly, an odd, repetitive beeping nose came out of nowhere.
Link: Hey! What's that?
Navi: Um…that's the weird noise it makes when your health is low.
Link: Ack! Well how do I make it stop! It's getting annoying!
Navi: You have to pick up a heart.
Link: Hey! Look, a heart!
Link picked it up and ate it.
Navi: Ewwww!
Link: Actually, it tasted quite good.
Navi: You're sick.
Link: No, I feel perfectly healthy now.
Navi: Argghhhh.
Link jumped up onto a higher area of the room and saw a locked door, some statues and a switch.
Link: Ooooo, look! A switch!
When Link stepped on the switch, the door ahead opened. But once he got off to go into the door, it shut tight again.
Link: Hey!
He went back and pressed the switch, which opened the door, got off and went to the door, which then closed in his face.
Link: What the?!?
He did this for another hour or two.
Link: Is it rigged or something?
Navi: Yes Einstein!
Link: Well…what do I do?
Navi: I'd tell you but you don't listen to me.
Link: Oh stop it!
Navi: Fine. You have to put something heavy on it.
Link: How 'bout you?
Navi: WHAT!?!?!?!?!
Link: You must be the fattest fairy I know.
Navi (beside herself with rage): GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
Link (hesitantly): Oknevermind! Hey look, statues!
He pushed one of the statues onto the switch and went through the door. (FINALLY!) The room he entered had a large pool of lava all throughout it, with some square pillars scattered here and there.
Link: Whoa! It's hot in here!
Suddenly, two lizard-looking things fell from the ceiling.
Link: AHHHHH! What the?
Lizalfos #1: Hai!
Link: Don't you mean hi?
Lizalfos #1: No, hai! Like in Uruk-hai!
Link: Oh.
Lizalfos #1: I'm Bob!
Lizalfos #2: And I'm Jim!
Bob & Jim: And we're…(They pull out a couple of fake red noses)…The Dancing Lizalfos Brothers!
They bring out a unicycle, a few dishes and a horn. Bob gets on Jim's shoulders while balancing some plates and Jim rides on the unicycle and honks the horn. They both start singing real bad circus music.
Bob & Jim: Na na ne-ne ne na na, na ,na ,na ne ne ne-ne, na na na na, na na-na na, na…
Link: Um…hey guys?
Bob and Jim fall over. Sounds of breaking dishes.
Link: Um, how do I get through there?
He points to a locked door.
Bob (getting up while brushing off dust and glass): Oh! You have to fight us!
Link: Oh great.
Jim: Yeah, get ready!
They both pull out rubber chickens.
Link: Um…ok.
He pulls out his sword.
Bob: GOOOOOOOOOO!
Link pokes Bob.
Bob: Oh no! I'm dead!
He explodes.
Link then pokes Jim.
Jim: Oh no! I'm dead!
He explodes.
Link: Oooookaaaay.
He goes through the next door. They hear some large bangs coming from the end of the corridor.
Link: W-what do you think that is?
As they round the corner they see a few large dragon looking things, all just circling in place.
Link: I'm taking it that that is a Dodongo.
Navi: Yes.
Link: Ok…um, well…
He tries to slowly creep passed them, but is spotted by one and has no choice but to fight.
Link: Oh great.
He gets behind the Dodongo, hoping he'll be safer there, and whacks it in the butt.
Dodongo: RARRRRRRR!
Link: Huh?
It spins around and knocks Link down with his tail. It begins to inhale.
Link: AHHHHH! What's it doing?
Navi: RUN!
Link: Oh.
Link gets out of the way just before the Dodongo emits a large flame from his mouth.
Link: Hyah!
Link stabs the Dodongo in the back again and it falls to the ground.
Link: Ha! I win!
The Dodongo explodes and Link goes flying into the wall.
Link: AHHHHHHHH-OWWW!
He gets up, rubbing his backside.
Link: Does EVERYTHING in here have to explode?!
Strange Announcer Voice Thingy: Yep!
Link: Oh.
Link goes into the next room and finds himself in the first big room.
Link: Hey look, a switch!
Link pressed it and a door on the other side of the room opened.
Link: Yay!
Eventually, after a long, um, "walk" through the temple they reach another lava filled room. Then a couple of things fall from the ceiling.
Bob (with an eye patch and a cast over his arm): Hai!
Link: Oh no. Not you two again!
Jim (holding some crutches with his head all bandaged up): Yep! But this time we're here to arrest you.
Link: What!?
Bob: Yeah, we're also the "Dodongo's Explosive Cavern's Group of Lizalfos Who Are Trying to Promote the Welfare of the Dodongos". And since you violated law #3-
Link: What do you mean?
Jim: You fed the Dodongos.
Link: No I didn't.
Bob: But…you were supposed to.
Link: Then why am I getting arrested for it?
Jim: Because…oh never mind.
Bob: Anyway, we have to fight!
Link: Um, guys? Don't you think the odds are against you?
Jim: What do you mean?
Link: Um…you can't even hold a sword.
Bob: Well, we have to fight, it's our duty as the, "Dodongo's Explosive Cavern's Group of Lizalfos Who Are Trying to Promote the Welfare of the Dodongos".
Jim: Yep! So get ready…
Bob: GOOOOOO!
Link: sigh (pokes Bob.)
Bob: Oh no! I'm dead!
He explodes.
Link: (pokes Jim.)
Jim: Oh no! I'm…not dead! Hahaha!
He hits Link in the feet with his crutches but loses his balance and falls into the lava.
Jim: NOOOOOO!
He explodes.
Link: Ok, that was strange.
He runs into the next room and eventually reaches a huge chest.
Link: Oooooooo!
He opens it up and gets some bombs! He holds them high in the air.
Weird music: Du da da daaaaaaaa!
Link: Yay! Now I can blow stuff up!
Navi: Great.
They run into the next room and find that they are on the second floor of the first big room they entered. They see a sign in front of them and a bridge in the distance.
Link: Ok, what does this say?
Sign (not out loud if anyone hasn't figured that out already): "Blow up the giant Dodongo head game!"—Ten rupees for one try!
Link: Ok.
He puts some rupees in the slot.
Sign (do I even have to say it?): Rules are: drop bombs into the Dodongo's eyes to get his mouth open. Proceed to the door inside to claim your prize! To begin, go to the bridge in front of you.
Link: To the bridge!
(Fellowship theme starts to play)
Link got to a gap in the bridge, which was just over the eye. He dropped a bomb down. He did the same to the other eye and the mouth opened.
Link: Yay! I win!
He went through the door inside of the Dodongo's mouth and heard a strange deep voice coming from nowhere.
Strange Deep Voice: Haha! Now I have you in my trap! You shall now witness the terrible wrath of the great FIRE KEESE!
Link (dully): Huh?
The "Great Fire Keese" came out of nowhere and hit Link in the back, destroying his wooden shield.
Link: Hey! That wasn't nice! What did I ever do to you!?
Great Fire Keese: You killed my very distant cousin. He was my 784th cousin, 783 times removed on my father's side and my 6758th cousin, 6757 times removed on my mother's side.
Link: You must have a big family.
Great Fire Keese: You don't even know the half of it. My uncle, Blue Keese #354956864565, was in the navy when he met my aunt, Fire Keese #375134813574. (Link pulls out his slingshot) And when they got married, my dad met-OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
He explodes.
Link: Ha! Sucker!
Link reached a room where there were three graves in a row. Then, something fell from the ceiling. (That sure happens a lot!)
Lizalfos #3: Hai! I'm Frank!
Link: Are you related to Bob and Jim?
Frank: Dunno, might be.
Link: Oookaay.
Frank: I'm the "Dodongo's Explosive Cavern's Guy Who Buries the People Who Die Here" guy!
Link: So is that what those are?
Frank: Dunno, might be.
Link: Um…ok.
Frank: Yeah, I buried them.
Link: I bet you killed them just so you could bury them.
Frank: …
Link: You're sick.
Frank: Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to do the same to you!
He pulls out a sword. (Well, what did you expect, a rubber chicken?)
Link: Hey! Look over there!
Frank: Where!?!
Link stabs him in the side.
Frank: Oh no! I'm dead!
He explodes.
Link: Too easy. Way too easy.
He reaches the end of the room where there are about a dozen statue-looking things.
Link: Oooo! Statues!
He went up to one and tried to move it until…
Statue-looking Thing: RARRRRR!
Link: AHHHH! IT'S ALIVE!
The Armos statue started to bounce around, waking up the other statues. Eventually there were twelve bouncing statues.
Link: Ahhh! Go away!
Link accidentally drops a bomb.
Link: Uh oh.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bomb had set off all the Armos statues and all of them had exploded. As the smoke cleared away, Navi saw Link lying on the floor.
Navi: Link, this is no time to sleep! Bacon!
Link: …
Navi: Link? Oh…he's…dead…YAY! I'm FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then a pink fairy came from Link's pocket and circled around him.
Navi: Huh?
Link: Bacon! Where!?
Navi: Great. He's alive.
Link: Well don't sound so happy.
He hopped up and went into the next room in the middle of which was a switch. He pressed it and a door ahead opened. But before he could get through, a Deku scrub stopped him.
Deku Scrub: Wait, mister! You don't want to go in there without a shield!
Link: I don't?
Deku Scrub: No! But I'll sell you one.
Link: Ok.
Deku Scrub: That'll be 50 rupees.
Link: WHAT! That's way too much!
Deku Scrub: Ok then, 60 rupees.
Link: Hey! That's even more!
Deku Scrub: Ok then, 70 rupees.
Link: Ok, fine. I'll buy it.
He handed the scrub 50 rupees.
Deku Scrub: Maybe you herd me wrong, it's 70 rupees.
Link: ARGHHHH!
Link handed him the rupees.
Deku Scrub: Thank you!
He exploded.
Link: That's really getting annoying.
He walked into the next room and saw a hole in the ground.
Link: Guess the only way forward is down!
He jumped down the hole and landed on a strange, spongy thing.
Link: Wow! Luckily this was here!
BOOM!
Link: What was that?
BOOM!!!
Link: Um…it's getting louder.
BOOM!!!!!!!!!
Navi: AHHHH!!!!!!! BEHIND YOU!!!!!!!!!
Link turned around and saw a HUGE Dodongo in front of him.
Link: Whoa.
The Dodongo ate Navi.
Link: Whoa.
The Dodongo died of food poison.
Link: Whoa.
Navi: Ack! It stinks in there!
Link: Well! Guess we beat the boss!
Navi: No, I beat the boss! You just stood there and did nothing!
Link: Yeah, whatever.
He went through the portal and came out at the Dodongo's Cavern entrance. Then, Darunia fell from the sky.
Link: Ahhh! What'd you do that for!?
Darunia: Dunno, but it was fun!
Link: Ok, whatever.
Darunia: Here, take the stone.
Link: Ok, thanks.
Darunia: Yay! Now we're brothers!
Link: WHAT!?!
Darunia: In my land, when you give someone a shiny stone, you become brothers!
Link: What if you give it to a girl?
Darunia: …Um…well, gottagoseeya!
He explodes.
Link: Ok, what a cheesy way to end the chapter.
END OF CHAPTER