Chapter VII: Freaky Fairies and Fat Farm Owners
Link and Navi had just received the spiritual stone of fire, but have absolutely no clue of where to go to next.
Link: So, where to next?
Navi: I dunno, why don't you ask someone?
Goron: HEY!
Link: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Goron: Hello. I'm a Goron. We eat rocks.
Link: Goron…grrrrrrrr!
Goron: Um…have you met the fairy on top of the mountain?
Link: What do you think?
Goron: No.
Link: Oh.
Goron: Well you should.
Link: What if I don't wanna?
Goron: Then I'll hug you.
Link: Ahh!!! Ok! I'm going!
As Link climbed the mountain, he began to hear loud noises and it also started to get warmer as he ascended.
Link: What is that noise anyway?
As he covered an especially large hill, he saw large, flaming rocks falling from the sky, right across the path he was taking.
Link: Wait! No problem! I think I know a shortcut!
Navi: No way I'll ever take another one of your shortcuts!
1 hour and 58 minutes later…
Navi: I can't believe I'm taking another one of your shortcuts.
Link: Were almost there!
They went around a wall and found themselves at a dead end.
Link: Um…we must've taken a wrong turn at that rock…
Navi: ARGHHHH!
1 hour and 59 minutes later they were back to where they started.
Link: Great. So now I have to cross that!?!
The mountain emitted an especially large burst of fire and rock.
Navi: Didn't you get that really big shield that the guard told you to get?
Link: What shield?
Navi: The one the guard told you to get!
Link: He didn't mention anything about a shield.
Away in Kakariko village…
Guard (Cucco lover): Hey Fred, did you tell the kid about the shield thing?
Guard (Fred): Woops!
Back at Death Mountain…
Link: Great. Well, here goes nothing!
Navi: Don't you mean-
Link: -Yeah, everything, whatever. Just here it goes!
Link ran through the path, dodging falling rocks and fireballs, until he reached a cliff where the rocks couldn't reach him.
Link: Ha! I have succeeded!
A small, egg-sized rock hit him on the head.
Link: Ow! Why does that always happen?
Navi: Stop whining and climb this wall!
Link: Fine.
He looked up and saw three large, skull-shaped spiders scuttling around in place on the wall.
Link: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! SPIDER!
Navi: Yeah, now you've gotten that taken care of, so just kill them!
Link: But I'm not faking this time! I really am afraid of spiders!
Navi: Why's that?
Link: Well, mostly because the author is, but also because…well look at them! They're creepy!
Navi: Oh stop it. I bet they're perfectly harmless.
Link: All right.
He starts climbing the wall when one of the spiders turns purple and charges at him.
Link: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ATTACK OF THE KILLER SPIDER!!!!!!!!! RUN! RUN!!!!!!!
The spider knocked Link off the wall.
Link: Ahh! Blech! Now I have spider cooties! Get 'em off!
He starts to rub his hands on Navi.
Navi: Hey! Stop it!
Link: I am NOT climbing that wall again!
Navi: Oh yes you are!
Link: Yeah right. And how're you gonna make me?!
Navi (sweetly): Does little Linky want a hug?
Link: AHHHHHH!!!!!
He zooms up the wall, somehow avoiding the Skulltulas. He runs into a cave and finds himself in a dimly lit room.
Link: Whew! That was close! Hey, pretty triangle thingy! I'm gonna play a song for it!
He played Zelda's Lullaby.
Link: Ok, bye!
Strange, High-pitched Voice: Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVIL WITCH THING!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!
Then a big black blob (censored for Link & viewers) appeared out of a pond in the back of the room.
Great Fairy: Hello. I'm insane! So I'm gonna give you a really cool looking magical spinny thing!
Bunches of magic colors surround Link.
Music: Du du du duuuuuuuuuu!
Link: Yay! Now I'm cool!
Great Fairy: Ahahahahahhahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She explo-no wait, that was last chapter! Ok then, she disappears.
Link: Ok, that was really freaky.
He walks out of the cave.
Kaepora Gaebora: HEY!
Link: Ahh! Why is everyone doing that!?
Kaepora Gaebora: Because it's fun!
Link: Oh.
Kaepora Gaebora: Hey, do you know where the next stone is?
Link: No.
Kaepora Gaebora: Well I do!
Link: Are you gonna tell me?
Kaepora Gaebora: No, but we can play charades!
Link: Ok!
Kaepora Gaebora holds up two finger-shaped feathers.
Link: Two words!
Kaepora Gaebora put up one feather.
Link: First word!
Kaepora Gaebora put his wing to his ear.
Link: Sounds like!
Kaepora Gaebora pointed to the ground.
Link: Ground!
Kaepora Gaebora shook his head.
Link: Mountain!
Kaepora Gaebora shook his head again.
Link: Floor!
Kaepora Gaebora nodded vigorously. Then he made a plus sign with his feathers.
Link: Plus!
Kaepora Gaebora put his wing to his chest and started to move his mouth.
Link: Talking!
Kaepora Gaebora shook his head.
Link: Opera!
Kaepora Gaebora shook his head again.
Link: A big fat guy!
Kaepora Gaebora looked angry.
Link: No wait, singing!
Kaepora Gaebora made circular motions with his wings.
Link: A special type of singing!
Kaepora Gaebora nodded.
Link: Rock!
Kaepora Gaebora glared at Link.
Link: Um…are you practicing?
Kaepora Gaebora made circular movements again.
Link: Oh! I know! La!
Kaepora Gaebora nodded vigorously.
Link: So, sounds like floorla
Kaepora Gaebora made a cutting motion across his neck.
Link: Oh, without the…
Kaepora Gaebora pointed to Link.
Link: Without the me?
Kaepora Gaebora glared again.
Link: Oh! Without the "l"
Kaepora Gaebora nodded again.
Link: Ok, so sounds like floora.
Kaepora Gaebora nodded.
Link: Ok, is it…um, nora?
Kaepora Gaebora looked agitated and took out Zelda's letter from Link's pocket. He pointed to the "Z"
Link: Oh! Zora!
Kaepora Gaebora nodded, then put up two feathers.
Link: Second word!
Kaepora Gaebora put his wing to his ear again.
Link: Sounds like!
Kaepora Gaebora started shaking like mad.
Link: Shaking!
Kaepora Gaebora shook his head.
Link: Um…Earthquake!
Kaepora Gaebora shook his head again.
Link: Well…um…shiver?
Kaepora Gaebora nodded vigorously again.
Link: So, Zora shiver?
Kaepora Gaebora shook his head.
Link: Um…Zora liver?
Kaepora Gaebora looked agitated.
Link: Maybe it's Zora's River?
Kaepora Gaebora: YES!!!!!! You got it!
Link: Yay! I win! What's my prize?
Kaepora Gaebora: A free ride there!
Link: Um…I'd rather have a million rupees or something.
Kaepora Gaebora: Well too bad. Here we go!
He grabbed Link and they went into the air. But as they were flying over Kakariko Village, Kaepora Gaebora accidentally let go. (Or maybe on purpose…)
Kaepora Gaebora: Woops!
Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He landed with a thud on someone's roof.
Link: Ow! Some guardian angel!
He looked down and saw a bunch of Cuccos looking up at him.
Cucco: Buwwarrkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT THE KILLER CHICKENS OF DOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Guard: Cuccos!
Link: Oh shut up.
He runs away, screaming his head off. He leaves the village, and keeps on running, not even realizing where he's going. Eventually, he stops and looks around.
Link: Hey, where am I? It smells awful here!
Navi: We're at Lon Lon Ranch.
Link: Oh.
He goes in a random door, without even knocking. The room is full of chick-I mean Cuccos.
Link: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! THE KILLER CHICKENS OF DOOM RETURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cucco: Buwark.
Link backs away slowly and trips over someone on the floor.
Fat Guy on the Floor: Huh, what's happening? Oh no! The sky is falling!
Link: No, I just tripped.
Fat Guy: Oh.
Link: Do I know you?
Fat Guy: Yeah.
Link: Um…do you know me?
Fat Guy: No.
Link: …
Navi: Argggghh! He's Talon.
Link: Who?
Navi (looking annoyed): The Fat Guy you met at the castle!
Link: Oh yeah! Now I remember!
Talon: Hey! You wanna play a little game?
Link: Sure!
Talon: Ok. All you have to do is pick out three special, super-cuccos that look exactly identical to the other 37 and bring them to me in less than 30 seconds.
Link: NO WAY!!! I'm not touching those demons!
Talon: Oh yeah, and you need to give me ten rupees.
Link: WHAT!?!?! You gotta be kidding!!!!!!! Hey! What are you doing with my wallet!?!
Talon: All right, thank you! Now…GO!!!!!
Link: Navi! Stop pushing me! ARGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
Link spends the next 20 seconds, scavenging through the cuccos and miraculously finds the three just before the time is out.
Talon: Yay! You win!
Link: Great! What's my prize?
Talon: You get to marry my daughter!
Link: …
Talon: What?
Link: Are you drunk or something?
Talon: Dunno, might be!
Link: What is this??? Cruddy prize day!?!
Talon: Dunno, might be!
Link: Stop saying that and give me something good!
Talon: Fine.
He thrusts a bottle into his hands. It's full of…
Link: Oh!!! Joy!!!!! MILK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Music: Du du duu duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: I'll keep this close to my heart!
He puts it in his chest pocket. (Which is inside his tunic, not outside.)
Link: Thank you sir!
Talon: Yeah, yeah. Just get outta here.
Link marches out, admiring his new prize when he spots a familiar white animal on the ground.
Link: No. Not you!
Cucco: Buwarrk.
Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He runs through a gate and bumps into a little girl.
Link: OW! Watch where you're going!
Little Girl: Oh! It's the little cute fairy boy!
Link: Huh? Do I know you? And did you just call me cute!?! Blecchhh!
Little Girl: Don't you remember me? I'm Malon!
Link: Oh, yeah. That kid from the castle.
Malon: Do you want to learn a pretty song?
Link: No.
Malon: Ok! It goes like this.
She sings a tune that sounds like ranch music. Link repeats it perfectly on his ocarina.
Malon: Yay! That's my mother's song. It's called Epona's song after my horse.
Link: What horse? AHHHHHH!!!!!!
Epona came up behind Link and shoved him onto her back. She went around like a wild thing, tossing her head and neighing loudly. Link was tossed off and ran out of there as quick as he could.
Link (Trying to catch his breath): I'll…NEVER…go back…there. Except for milk!
Navi: Whatever. Let's just go to the river!
Link: Alright. Where is it?
Navi: Right there.
A big winding river was just a little ways ahead of them.
Link: Oh!
Navi: Come on then!
Link (energetically): Ok!
END OF CHAPTER