Chapter VIII: Zora's Many Bodies of Water
Link and Navi are still following the river, which will lead them to Zora's Domain.
Link: Follow the H2O road! Follow the H2O road! Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the H2O road!!!
Navi: Stop singing that annoying song!
Link (energetically): No!
He grabs her wing and starts swinging her around as he skips alongside the river
Link: Follow the H2O road! Follow the H2O road!
Navi: Le-et go-o-o-of-f m-e-e-e!
They go on like this for another hour or so till they reach an archway blocked by a few large boulders.
Link: Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the H2…oh. Roadblock.
Navi (shakily): I…feel……sick……
Link: Well…how do we get past those?
Kaepora Gaebora: You're always pretty clueless, aren't you?
Link: Huh? Oh, hi angel!
Kaepora Gaebora: Hello.
Link: So, uh, do you know how to get through these?
Kaepora Gaebora: Nope.
Link: Great. NOW who's clueless? You're not too useful yourself!
Kaepora Gaebora: Yeah, but…I can do this!
He turns his head 180 degrees.
Link: Oookkayy.
Navi: Just blow the things up!
Link (energetically): Ok!
He pulls out a bomb and tosses it towards the rocks. They burst into a thousand pieces, also sending the "angel" flying.
Kaepora Gaebora: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: Yay! Fireworks!
Navi: Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go already!
Link: Fine!
They walk a little ways when all of a sudden a rock coming from Link's right flies into his side.
Link: OW! Not Deku Scrubs!
Navi: No, that's an Octorok.
The Octorok was sitting in the water, looking strait at Link, without blinking.
Link: Well, whatever he is, he's creepy!
It shot a rock at Link again.
Link: AHHHH!
He held his shield in front of him, and it deflected the rock back at the Octorok.
Octorok: BLLLLEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!……… pop!
Link: Well, that takes care of that!
Another rock hits Link.
Link: OWWWW! Hey! How many of these things are there?!?
He runs up the river, dogging rocks and jumping gaps. Eventually he reaches a waterfall.
Link: Here goes…(looks at Navi)…stuff.
He attempts to jump through the waterfall, but the current is too strong and it pushes him away.
Link: AHHHH! Well! Let's try something-
Navi: HEY!
Link: AHH!
Navi: LISTEN!
Link: Stop that!
Navi: LOOK!
Link: You're annoying.
Navi: There's something written on the floor here.
Link: Hmmm…
Floor (everyone knows it's not out loud): Hey dude! You ain't comin' through here till you play a cool song!
Link: Um…OK!
He plays a cool song.
Music: Da da du du da du daaaa!
Link: Yay!
He jumps through and finds himself in a large, humid cave, with a large waterfall on the tall wall to his left.
Link: Well, where to?
Navi: Try the sign.
Sign (like every other written thing, it's not out loud): This way to King Zora's throne.
Link: All right then! To the throne!
(Fellowship theme)
Link is now at the foot of King Zora's "Throne" which is really just a stone wall with a mild waterfall going down it.
Link (using his formal voice): Oh great, powerful, handsome (in an under tone) not really, (now loud) wise King Zora! I have need of your charity. I am on an errand for the Princess Zelda who begs of me to gain the three Spiritual Stones. The final one that I must attain is within your possession. Will your lordship please allow this humble, sweet, poor, helpless, heroic, (Navi hits him in the side), young boy, to gain this small thing from yourself so that the entire world will acknowledge your great kindness and forever praise your kingliness?
King Zora: No.
Link: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?! I spent three hours working on that speech! Give me the stone, NOW!
King Zora: Guards!
Link: What!?! No! I-I didn't mean it! Please! AHHH!!! Let go of me!!!!!!!!!!
Guard #1: Hey! Wanna play a game?
Link: …You're really weird.
Guard #1: All right! Just give me twenty rupees and then catch the ones I throw into the water. Get all five in under one minute and you win!
Link: No thank you! I'll just-HEY! What are you doing with my wallet?!? No! Not again!
Guard #1: All right! And…GO!
They throw Link off the top of the waterfall.
Link: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SPPPLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link grabs all five, hoping for some milk, and returns to the waterfall for his prize.
Guard #1: Great job! Here you go kid!
He gives Link a Sliver Scale.
Link: Fish skin!?!?!?
Guard #1: No ZORA skin!
Link: Where have I heard that before?
Guard #1: It'll let you dive really deep!
Link: Great.
Guard #1: Like through the warp at the bottom of the pond.
Link: Oooooooo!
Link: Bhhhhaaaaahhhhh!!! Air! I wish he would have told me how long the warp was!!! Where are we anyway?
Navi: Sigh You never have any clue about anything, do you?
Link: Nah, don't think so.
Navi (quickly and angrily): Argghh. We're at Lake Hylia.
Link: Oooohhhhhh!!!!
He swims around a little and eventually spots something shiny at the bottom of the lake.
Link: Oooo!
He dives for it and comes out holding it high above his head.
Music: Du du du duuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: Yay! A bottle…with a note in it?
He opens it up and the note slides out. It's written in a swift-looking cursive.
Note (please don't make me say it): Hey reader! You have to come and save me…NOW!!! I'm in Jabu-Jabu's belly. Get over here quick, OR ELSE!!! Bye! Princess Ruto.
Link: Um…she sounds scary!
Navi: Come on!
Link: AHHHH!!!!! IT'S HER!!!!
Navi: Oh stop it.
So Link goes back through the warp and arrives at King Zora's throne again.
Link: All right kingie, listen up! This is how it's gonna be. You're gonna lead me to the Jabu-Jabu's belly to save you're daughter, and when I bring her back you're gonna give me the Spiritual Stone. OK!
King Zora: …My…sweet…Princess Ruto…in Lord Jabu-Jabu's belly?
Link: Yeah, no time for talk, just show me the way there!
King Zora: Oh! My dear Princess Ruto, this boy will come save you! Go through the cave behind me!
He starts to scoot his fat butt across the wall. After a few hours he finally stops.
King Zora: There you are young lad, now go to my daughter's rescue!
Link: Snore
King Zora: I command you to awaken this instant!
Link: Snore
Navi: I'll help you king. Hey, Link! Bacon!
Link: Bacon! Where!?!
Navi: Come on! The way is open now!
Link: Ok, see ya, kingie!
He ran up the path till he reached a large altar with a fish the size of a submarine floating in the water behind it.
Link: Wow! That'd make one big tuna sandwich!
Navi: Stop it! You're making the author hungry!
Link: Well. How do we get in there?
Navi: Can't you figure something out for yourself for once!?!
Link: Of course not! That's what you're here for!
Navi: ARGHHH! Well, how do you think the Princess got in?
Link: The fat thing ate her.
Navi: Well?
(Pause)
Link: NO WAY! I'm NOT going in there!
Navi: Well what were you gonna do, ask it to spit her out?!?
Link: No! Of course not! I'm not gonna ASK it, I'm gonna MAKE it!
Navi: ARGHH!
Link: Hey! Tuna brains! Look here!
He takes off his boot and holds it in front of Jabu-Jabu. It starts to whine and belches up a few fish bones.
Link: Eww. That didn't work too well. Maybe one of these are her?
Navi: Well keep it up and one of them WILL be her!
Link: Well, my mind's shot! I can't think of anything!
Navi: You never can.
Link (glaring at Navi): I hate you.
Navi: Now get him to open his mouth!
(Pause)
Link: Why?
Navi: So yo-hey, wait a second! I thought you stopped doing that!
Link: Well I thought I could catch you off guard!
Navi: Well you're wrong. Now OPEN HIS MOUTH!!!!!
Link: All right! All right! Heyyyyyyyy fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy! Come on! Don't I look tasty! Eat me!
Link starts doing a weird little dance.
Link: Come on! Just eat me already!
Jabu-Jabu: SNNNOOORRRE
Link: Bacon!
Jabu-Jabu opens his mouth and Link is inhales by him.
Link: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Navi flies in Just before Jabu-Jabu closes his mouth.
Link: I HATE Zoras. Never mention the word Zora ever again. Especially fat ones who like to make little boys go inside evil fish mouths!
Navi: Why do you say that every time this happens?
Link: Because it's in my contract. Rule #1: hate everyone who sends you into a dungeon.
Navi: Well I hate the contract!
Link: Oh don't worry; my contract expires after Chapter 10.
Navi: Oh.
Link: All right! On with the dungeon!
(Fellowship theme)
END OF CHAPTER