Chapter IX: Into ANOTHER Digestive System
Link: Well, what do I d-
Navi: Oh, figure it out for yourself this time!
Link: Fine.
He looks around the fish's mouth and sees a boulder, a few crates and…
Link: A COW?!?!?!?????????
Cow: Moooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Navi: Well, a fish's got to eat!
Link: But it's stuck in the wall!
Navi: Well, um, yeah, that is weird.
Cow: Moooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: Oh shut up.
He goes a little ways forwards when suddenly; two Octoroks pop up out of the water…or saliva, and shoot rocks at him.
Link: AHHHHH!
He holds his shield up in front of him and the rocks go bouncing back at the Octoroks.
Octoroks #'s1 & 2: BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!…pop
Music: Da da du du da du daaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
A chest falls from the ceiling.
Link: Ooooo!
He opens it and gets…
Link: 5 rupees!?! WHAT?!?! This is a rip off! I get more money than this by just cutting my lawn!
Navi: Stop whining!
Link: Fine.
He tosses a bomb at the boulder and a chest is now in its place.
Link: Oh! Cool!
He opens it up and gets…
Link: A map!?! Of a fish's insides!?!
Navi: Some biologist probably drew it.
Link: And put in a chest?!? Inside of the fish!?!?! ARGGHHH!!!! I'll NEVER get through here!
Cow: Moooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: Oh SHUT UP!!!!!
He shoots the cow with his slingshot and the door ahead opens.
Link: Oh…That's weird.
He runs through it and into a room full of weird, electrified, flying jellyfish
Link: AHH!!! What are those things!?!
Navi: They're Bari.
Link: Oh. DIE BARI!!!!
He swipes at the Bari with his sword, but the Bari electrocutes him back.
Link (being fried): AhHhhHHHhhHhHhhHHhHhHHHhhHhH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Navi (wearing an evil grin): I guess I should've told you not to attack it.
Link (still sizzling, and sarcastically): Yeah…that would've helped a little.
They dash into the next room and see a weird-looking fish person standing near one of the strange hole things all over the fish's skin.
Link: Hey, fish lady! Are you the Princess?
She slaps him hard on the cheek.
Princess Ruto: How DARE you speak to me like that!!! I've NEVER been so insulted in all my life!!! Get on your knees when speaking to the princess!!!
Link: No way! I don't need to show you any respect lady! You're coming with me to get outta here!
Ruto: No! I will NOT! I need to get my…well, that's none of YOUR business, so SCRAM!
Link: I don't think so, fish girl! I gotta get this stone for the REAL princess, so I can be the Hero of Time!
Ruto: No, I have to get the stone because it's MINE! And I don't need YOUR help!
She turns and starts to walk away, but falls into one of the weird holes.
Ruto: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: Great.
He falls in after her.
Ruto: What are you DOING!!??!! I thought I told you to go away!?!
Link: Yeah, but you don't understand that I NEED that stone!
Ruto: Well, I'm NOT giving it to YOU! But you can carry me if you want to help find it.
Link: WHAT!!??!!??!!??!!?? NO WAY! (Navi hits him in the side) No Navi! I'm not carrying her the whole way through here! ARGHHHHH!!!!!! Fine.
Ruto: All right, now be gentle.
Link (in an undertone): I swear I'll throw her off a cliff!
Ruto: Did you say something!?!
Link: No.
Ruto: Fine then. Let's GO!
Link picks her up and walks out through the door to his right. They're now in a curved corridor with nothing in it.
Link: Weird. I expected something to be in here!
Then, two things fall from the ceiling.
Link: OH NO! NOT YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!
Bob: Hai!
Jim: Hai!
Link: I thought you guys were the "Dodongo's Explosive Cavern's Group of Lizalfos Who Are Trying to Promote the Welfare of the Dodongos"!?!
Jim: Yeah, well, we got fired.
Link: How?
Bob: Well, it's a long and complicated story but it all comes down to, Jim fed the Dodongos.
Jim: Well they were starving the poor things! I had to feed 'em!
Link: Well what are you doing here then?
Bob: Well, we thought about being the, "King Zora's Group of Lizalfos Who Help Feed Really Fat Fishes", but instead of eating the food we gave him, he ate us.
Jim: Yeah, so now we're the, "Really Fat Fish's Group of Lizalfos Who Keep His Internal Organs Protected".
Bob: So since you're harming his internal organs with your smell, we'll have to get rid of you!
They pull out their rubber chickens.
Link: Guys, every time this happens, I win. So save yourselves some pain and just let me go.
Bob: Sorry, It's our duty as-
Link: Don't say it.
Jim: GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: (Pokes Bob)
Bob: Oh no! I'm dead!
He explodes.
Link: (Pokes Jim)
Jim: Oh no! I'm dead!
He explodes.
Link: They'll never learn.
So after much switch-pressing, water-raising, and elevator-riding (don't ask), they finally reach the room where they fell from. Link for once finds the door by himself and they go on through.
Link: Eww! It smells even worse back here!
Navi: Well, we are going further back through his insides.
Link: Gross! Intestines!
Then a couple of weird, electrified, flying worm things pop out of the fish's skin.
Link: Ok, I'm not gonna attack it.
Then they charge at Link with their weird drill things on their faces.
Link: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Run for it!!!!!!!!!
He runs through a random door and finds himself in a room full of…bubbles.
Link: Bubbles? What's so dangerous about bubbles?
Navi: Well, you only have a minute to kill all of them.
Link: Uh oh!
He starts running around, slashing the bubbles like mad. But each time one pops, it some how scrapes Link.
Link: OW! How come bubbles hurt!?!
Navi: Like I know! Why don't you ask them, huh?
Link (energetically): Ok! Hey, bubble! Why do you hurt?
Bubble: Like I know! Why don't you ask your all-knowing fairy, huh?
Link (energetically): Ok! Hey, all-knowing fairy! Why do bubbles hurt?
Navi: ARGGHHH!!!!!
So after killing about twenty bubbles and getting hurt by all of them, a chest appears in the middle of the room. Link opens it and gets…
Music: Du du du duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: Yay! A boomerang!
After receiving the weapon, he goes around for a while until he sees a strange bump in the floor.
Link: Huh? What's that?
Navi: It's a switch! But this one you have to put something heavy on it to go through, and I don't mean me.
Link (thinking in his head): All right…something heavy…darn it! This girl is giving me a nasty bruise on my shoulder…WAIT! This girl!
He puts Ruto down on the switch and the door opens instantly. He dashes through as quickly as possible.
Ruto (yelling at Link): HEY! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING!?!?!!!!
Link (on the other side of the door): Whew! That was close!
Navi: Don't think it's over yet! You still have to go back that way.
Link: Great.
Link looks up and sees a gigantic string-like organism hanging from the ceiling.
Link: Whoa! What's that thing?
Navi: Um…I don't know.
Link: Well…I'll ask it then!
Navi: Oh great.
Link: Hey! Weird stringy thing! What's your name?
It swings itself into Link and he goes flying back across the room.
Link: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
(Thud)
Link: Well that didn't go too well. Fine then! If he wants a fight, I'll give him a fight!
He tosses his new boomerang randomly and it hits a weak spot in the weird stringy thing. It falls to the ground in pieces.
Link: Cool.
(Complete silence)
Link: Um…music dude, where's the, um, you know, du du du duuuuuuuuu, or du du da da du da daaaaaaaaaaaaa, or something?
Navi: Well, that must mean that you did that for nothing.
Link: This guy's stomach is cheep.
He walks out the door.
Ruto: THERE YOU ARE!!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!!! YOU CALL YOURSELF A MAN?!?!??? WELL ACT LIKE IT!!!! YOU DON'T JUST LEAVE A LADY STANDING THERE LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE SO INCONCIDERATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Complete silence)
Link (trying to recuperate): U-um…o-o-ok.
He picks her up slowly and runs through a few more doors, killing off a few more stringy things and receiving nothing. Eventually, he ends up back in the room where he first met Ruto.
Link: Hmm…great. Now I'm REALLY never gonna get outta here!
Cow: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ruto: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He falls down a hole in his surprise and is now on a platform with a door nearby.
Link: That was convenient!
He runs through the door and is now in a room with a large, round platform in the center of the room. Spikes surround the platform and the Spiritual Stone is on top of it.
Ruto: That's my stone! THROW ME UP THERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!
Link (wearing an evil grin): Ok.
He throws her at the wall.
Ruto: OWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link uses his boomerang to grab the stone.
Link: Haha! Sucker!
He turns to go out the door but it's shut tight.
Link: Uh oh!
He turns around and sees Ruto glaring at him.
Link (trying to sound innocent): He he. Hi.
Ruto: RARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They run around the room, Ruto after Link, for quite awhile, until Ruto and Link end up on the platform. She eventually catches up to Link and pins him to the ground, tearing the Stone from Link' grip. Then after kicking Link off the platform she does a very strange victory dance…
Ruto: I got the Stone! Oh yeah! And Link's a looser! Oh yeah! WOHOO!
The platform rises into a hole in the ceiling.
Ruto: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: Yay! She's gone!
The platform starts to lower again.
Link: Oh no. Spoke too soon.
But Ruto isn't on it this time.
Link: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ruto got fat!!…I mean fatter than she was.
The "Fat Ruto" begins to charge towards Link.
Link: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They run around the room in circles for a while until the "Ruto" hits Link in the back.
Link: OW!
"Fat Ruto": Ha! You're it!
Link: Huh?
"Ruto" starts to run away from Link, and he sees that "Ruto" has a strange colored spot on her back.
Link: Hey, why's her butt blue?
Navi: Try hitting it.
Link threw his boomerang at "Ruto" and she froze in place. He went up to her and slashed at her butt.
"Fat Ruto": BLEEEEEEEE………pop
Link: YYYAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KILLED RUTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Navi: No, that was just a big Octorok.
(Pause)
Link: You spoil everything.
He rides up the platform and goes through a door ahead of him. The room has two wiggling tongues in the center of it, and a door with no way to it but from crossing the vicious tongues.
Link: Well…guess I'm stuck! Better just go back-
Navi: NO! You're going across!
Link: Great. I always have to do these things. Why can't they just get Mario to do this? I'm sure he'd be able to jump across!
Navi: Don't be a baby! Now GO!
Link jumped on to one of the tongues and was tossed violently across the room.
Link: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OW!
Cow (who's right next to Link's landing spot): MMMOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Link: Oh SHUT UP YOU!!!!!
He hits the cow with a seed from his slingshot and then…
Music: Du du da da du du duuuuuuuu!!!!!!
Link: Huh?
The tongues stopped moving.
Link: This place is weird. Hit a cow, then doors open and things stop moving.
Eventually, Link got to a dark room full of…dark stuff.
Link (energetically): Hey, it's dark!
Strange Dark Voice: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, Kokiri and fairies, to the third annual Jabu-Jabu's WRESTLING MAAAAAAAAAAAATCH!!
Link: Wha?
Dark Crowd: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Strange Dark Voice: Will the contestants please assume their positions.
Link: Huh?
Strange Dark Voice: In this corner, is the almighty, undefeated champion, Lord Jabu-Jabu's weird looking organ thingy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lights come on and are centered on the weird looking organ thingy.
Dark Crowd: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: I think he looks like a heart.
Strange Dark Voice (as an afterthought): Oh yes, and in this corner is some kid called Luke.
Link: HEY! I'm Link!
Strange Dark Voice: Yeah, whatever Lucas, OK let the fight begin!
Bell: DING!!!
Link starts to walk around the "ring" while the weird looking organ thingy (let's just call him Bob) spins around the place like mad.
Strange Dark Voice: And Bob's doing his thing while the little Mucus runs around like a wimp.
Link: OK, THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!!
Link tosses his boomerang towards the strange dark voice, but misses and the boomerang comes back and hits Bob. He freezes for a moment.
Link: Hey! He stopped!
Navi: Yeah, yeah, stop blabbering and hit him!
Link takes a few swipes at him and eventually, Bob starts firing electrical lasers at Link.
Link: Oh no.
They sorta dance around for a while till the whole process repeats. At last, Link delivers the final blow and Bob bursts into pieces all over Link.
Link: GROSS!!!!!!! BOB GUTS!!!!!!!
Strange Dark Voice: Congratulations, Lard!! You are the new Jabu-Jabu's Belly Champion! Your prize is the lovely, Princess Ruto!!!!!!
Link: The wh-AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ruto: YOU'RE LATE!!!!!!!!!!! I CANT BELIEVE YOU LET ME SIT HERE THIS LONG!!!!!! I WAS ONLY A LITTLE LONELY, ONLY A LITTLE!!!!!
They take one of the portal thingies back up to the outside world. As they land, Ruto is deathly close to Link and is staring at him very strangely.
Link: WAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He trips into the lake…or water…whatever.
Ruto (now in the water too): You look so cool in the light…and you saved my life too…we should go out some time.
Link: …
Ruto: You know, a date?
(Pause)
Link: …What's a date?
Ruto: You don't know?!!? You're really stupid, you know. You're lucky you're so cute.
Link: I'd rather just be stupid.
Ruto (trying to look pretty, which is impossible for her): Well, is there anything you want to tell me?
Link (thinking hard): Um…yeah…can I have the stone now?
Ruto: WHAT?!?
Link: You know, the Spiritual Stone?
Ruto: But, but…(now grinning evilly, but Link doesn't notice it cause she always looks evil)…my mother said to give the stone only to the man who would be my husband.
Link: Okthennevermind!!!!!!
Ruto: OK! Here you are!
She thrust the stone into Link's hands.
Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ruto disappeared.
Navi (giggling): Hehe! Now isn't that cute!
Link: Shut up, Navi.
Navi: Link and Ruto, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-
Link: Oh SHUT UP ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE ZORAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
END OF CHAPTER