Disclaimer: I don't own the O.C. or any of its characters….. :(
Ryan sat at the island counter with his hands folded in front of him and his chin hanging down to his chest. Sandy was leaning against the dishwasher, staring at him with arms crossed while Kirsten stood beside her husband with a frown on her face. Earlier, he had tried to unobtrusively slink into the house, but it didn't work. Sandy and Kirsten were practically on top of the door waiting for him.
After his encounter with his father, Ryan was relieved to see them. Glad, even, that they were worried about him, though he felt guilty for causing them to worry. But Sandy had wasted no time and pointed to the kitchen and said, "Go. Sit," in a no nonsense voice. Ryan had sensed relief mixed in with the anger, but didn't let that lull him into a feeling of false confidence. He was definitely in trouble. He just hoped they wouldn't reconsider the adoption.
After a brief and uncomfortable silence, Kirsten stepped forward and put her hands on the counter. She leaned in slightly so that her face was just inches from Ryan. "When you came back from the cemetery last week, you promised us you wouldn't run off again without telling us where you were going." Her voice was steady. It showed no anger, but it revealed a tinge of disappointment.
"I know. I'm sorry." Ryan looked up at them so they would see he was genuinely remorseful.
"You cut school," Sandy threw in.
Ryan didn't know if they were waiting for an explanation. He didn't want to make excuses. He knew what he had done was wrong.
"Dr. Kim wants to see us in her office tomorrow morning. What were you thinking Ryan? When you cut school it goes on your record. Your school record is forwarded to your probation officer."
His eyes widened. Ryan hadn't thought of that. It was just cutting school. It was such an ordinary offense. "Will – will they throw me back into juvie for that?" he stammered.
Sandy shook his head. "But it reflects badly and if Dr. Kim chooses to suspend you, then your probation officer will be informed immediately. And that might cause us trouble."
"I didn't realize…."
"Were you even thinking?" Kirsten asked.
"Yes! I had to get my father to sign the forms. That's where I went. To the jail."
Sandy rubbed his bushy brows. "Ryan, we'll take care of it."
"I had to see him again."
"We would have taken you," said Kirsten. "Ryan you can see your father whenever you want, but you can't cut school to do it. You can't run off without telling us. We're responsible for you. We worry about you."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"You know," said Kirsten, "But you did it anyway. I don't know if I'm more upset that you skipped school or that you ran off without telling us. I told you last time you'd be grounded if you did this again."
Ryan swallowed. He saw the concern and disappointment in their eyes and suddenly, Ryan wished someone would just hit him. The cuffs and blows hurt, but the pain passed within hours, while Kirsten and Sandy's displeasure would hang around for a while.
"How long?" Ryan asked.
Kirsten and Sandy turned to each other, silently communicating. He wondered if they were using hand signals behind the counter, because no words passed between them.
"Two weeks," Kirsten finally said. "No video games. No Internet. No television. You come home straight from school. We're going to make this real unpleasant for you."
"Okay."
Sandy raised his brows. "You're not going to argue?"
"Am I supposed to?"
"Seth always does."
Ryan chuckled. "I know I deserve what I got." I deserve worse, he thought.
When no one said anything else, Ryan thought he was dismissed and started to stand to head for his room, but Sandy said, "Not so fast."
Ryan sat back down.
"What happened with your father?"
Reluctantly, he described the conversation in detail. As he talked, Ryan realized he was actually longing for a session with Dr. Acobas so that they could discuss everything that had happened.
Sandy covered his mouth with his hand as Ryan spoke. His stomach tightened with fear and apprehension. The boy's voice was devoid of any expression. He just stated the facts as if he were recounting the average rainfall in Newport County. Sandy wondered if Ryan wanted to give Roger a second chance. He couldn't blame Ryan. It was his father after all, but Sandy had so hoped that he could have that title.
Kirsten walked to Ryan and squeezed his arm. "Are you okay?" She pushed his bangs out of his eyes. As she touched him, Kirsten expected him to recoil as he did in the old days, but was pleasantly surprised when he didn't. Encouraged, she put an arm around his shoulder and smiled as he eased into her embrace. This was such a different Ryan than the one that had come to them during the summer. This was their son and she and Sandy had to find a way to make everything all right for him.
"It'll be okay," she murmured.
"Is it safe? Can I come in?" asked Seth, peeking into the kitchen.
Ryan grinned, glad for the interruption. When Kirsten had put her arm around him, he had instinctively relaxed. But a few moments later his stomach clutched as he realized what he had done. Seth would break the tension. He always did.
"Everything okay?" Seth surveyed the room, trying to read everyone's mood.
"No it's not," Kirsten said sternly. "Did you know where Ryan went?"
"Um…." Seth averted his mother's gaze.
"We asked you a half a dozen times to tell us where he was," Sandy yelled. "Why didn't you tell us?"
"It's my fault. I told him not to." But Sandy and Kirsten ignored him.
"I'm sorry," Seth said, running a hand through his mop of curls.
"I'm thrilled that you boys get along and are such good friends, but that doesn't mean you can gang up on your parents and use your friendship to manipulate us. You can't cover for each other."
"Okay," the boys agreed.
"Seth your grounded this weekend," his mother told him.
"Oh, come on Mom..."
Ryan and Sandy smirked as Seth tried to talk his way out of it.
"The punishment stands," insisted Kirsten. "And you," she said turning to her husband and lightly slapping his stomach. "I could use your help here."
"Boys, you heard your mother. Do we understand each other?"
"Yes sir," Seth said, smartly saluting his father. Sandy glowered.
"Got it," said Ryan, ducking his head, hiding his smile.
"Good. Then go to your rooms until dinner is ready."
The boys got up to leave the room when Kirsten gave a little cry of pain. They stopped in their tracks as Sandy said, "You okay honey?"
"Fine," she said. "The baby is just kicking up a storm." She took Sandy's hand and put it on her stomach.
Sandy grinned from ear to ear as he felt his baby move around in its womb.
"Can I feel?" asked Seth. Kirsten nodded and put Seth's hand on her belly. "It's just a little flutter," he said in awe.
"Come on Ryan, it's your turn." She motioned for him to offer his hand. "Come on," she insisted when he hesitated.
She grabbed his hand and put it on her stomach. Timidly, he stepped closer to Kirsten. Secretly, Ryan was glad to be included. He wanted to feel the baby, but was to shy to ask himself. With wonder he experienced the tiny baby. Seth was right; it was just a tiny flutter, like a butterfly in trying to escape an enclosed area.
"That was cool."
They all laughed. "It was," agreed Kirsten.
Ryan glanced at the digital display of his clock. Three a.m. He'd been lying in bed for three hours trying to fall asleep, but thoughts crowded his head, preventing sleep. Dinner had been a regular affair. There was no mention of Ryan's trouble or the problems they were facing with the adoption. But that didn't stop Ryan from replaying the dinner in his head, trying to catch some hidden meaning in the conversation, or thinking back to the visit with his father. He tossed and turned, pulling the sheets off the corner of his bed, but sleep never came.
He put on his bedside lamp and felt around the floor for the book he was reading. He opened up the book, but didn't actually read the words. Instead, Roger's words kept repeating in Ryan's head over and over again. And suddenly, he wanted to believe Roger. It seemed like he was being truthful, but a nagging feeling left a doubt in his head.
Giving up on the book, Ryan threw his legs over the side of his bed and sat up. He held onto the edge of the bed with both of his hand, as if he was hanging on for dear life. If he got up, either Kirsten or Sandy were bound to get up to find out what was wrong. It seemed like lately they always slept with one eye open, watching out for Ryan. Once again, he felt guilty that he caused them constant worry, but was glad that there was someone to worry about him.
He was about to head downstairs when he heard Sandy ask, "Another nightmare?"
Ryan jumped. He hadn't heard Sandy come to the door. Ryan usually kept his door open partway, because he knew they liked to check up on both him and Seth and he didn't want to make it seem like he was shutting them out.
"You need to sleep to have a nightmare."
"It's three a.m. Why are you still up?"
"Can't sleep."
Sandy walked in. His hands were shoved deep into his robe pockets. "You want some warm milk? It's supposed to help you sleep."
Ryan shrugged. "I'll try anything at this point."
He followed Sandy down to the kitchen and sat on the bar stool along the counter while Sandy opened the refrigerator and took out the milk. He poured some in a pot and set it on the stove. While it came to a boil, he turned to Ryan.
"Are you nervous about your meeting with Dr. Kim? Kirsten and I will both be there. It'll be okay."
Ryan felt guilt tighten his throat. Dr. Kim had never even entered his thoughts. He should be nervous. He may have ruined the terms of his probation. But he didn't want to lie to Sandy, so he shook his head.
"I was thinking about Roger."
"It'll work out, Ryan."
"I don't know what to do."
"What do you mean?"
"He seemed so sincere this afternoon."
Sandy was quiet. He busied himself at the stove so he wouldn't have to face Ryan. Finally, with his back turned, he said, "If he gets out of prison before you turn eighteen, would you want to live with him?"
"No," Ryan spat out.
Sandy turned feeling as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulder. "Then I don't get it. What's the problem?"
"He sounded like he was serious. That he would try and sue for custody."
"He wouldn't win."
"Why not?"
Sandy took out two mugs from the cabinet and poured the warm milk from the saucepan. "Perhaps Roger wasn't responsible for the abuse you suffered, but he didn't put a stop to it. He's a convicted felon. For a violent crime no less and at your age Ryan, your opinion matters. The question is, what is your opinion. You seem divided."
"Maybe I am."
It felt as if a ton of bricks had fallen onto Sandy's chest.
"I don't want him to hurt this family."
"He can't touch us unless we let him. Ryan, if you want us to continue with this adoption, then leave it to the adults. Rachel is a fine lawyer and if I need, I can get the some shrewd shark of a lawyer. We have both the connections and money. But I'll only do what you want me to do. And the offer still stands, Kirsten can adopt you and I won't. I'll still have the same role in your life."
Ryan sipped his milk. And Sandy waited for him to say something. Every moment of silence caused a gray hair to be added to Sandy's thick black hair. What if Ryan chose to go back to Roger? Sandy hadn't been aware of his imminent parole, but Ryan seemed convinced that this was the case. It was obvious to him that Ryan was torn between two worlds.
"Just tell me what to do."
"I already told you that I can't do that." It felt as if there was a standoff between them. "I want you to say to hell with Roger. I want you to leave it to us. Let us go to court and have some judge terminate the asshole's parental rights. But I can't tell you to do that, because if it's the wrong thing for you to do, you'll never forgive me."
Ryan wasn't used to seeing Sandy so passionate about anything -- except his family. That was when it hit him again, that Sandy considered him family. He sipped the last of his milk, feeling even more wired than he had earlier.
"Okay."
"Okay, what?"
"Okay. Take me to see Roger this weekend. If he doesn't agree to sign the papers, you can go to the judge."
Sandy let the pot that he was putting into the dishwasher hang midair. "Are you sure?" he asked slowly, turning to face Ryan.
"Yes. I'm sure."
"But… But what about…" Sandy didn't know how to finish his thought.
"Roger was feeding me a line of bull today. We both know it. He was playing with my head. I let him."
"Maybe not."
"Maybe not," agreed Ryan. "But probably so. If he's serious about wanting a relationship, then when he gets out, maybe we can have one. But in the meanwhile, I'd rather call you my father."
Sandy let the pot clatter noisily into the top rack of the dishwasher. He went around the counter and threw his hands around Ryan's neck. "I love you kid," he said.
"Ditto," said Ryan.
They untangled themselves from their embrace. Ryan looked down at his mug while Sandy stared at the floor.
"It's late. You need to get up soon. I want you fresh for the meeting with Dr. Kim."
"Sorry to cause you so much trouble. I know Seth doesn't cause you any."
"You and Seth are two totally different kids."
"But I'm the one who forces you to take off from work all the time."
"Seth has caused us many worries over the years." He tousled Ryan's hair. "Go to bed. Stop thinking so much. I know that's your problem."
Ryan blushed.
"To bed," commanded Sandy, with his finger pointed to the second floor.
So Ryan went upstairs and fell into a fitful sleep.