Disclaimer: You get the idea…
I predict a lot of typos, I can't be bothered to proof read this
March 6th 1987
I'm going to start writing in this journal again. It's a stress reliever. I can write it down close this book and move on.
Well Today was certainly interesting. I spent today pissing everyone off by singing "My hair is shiny, how about yours?" To every one who spoke to me and punctuating my sentences with fuzz. Can you imagine the people's frustration when trying to hold a conversation with me?
"Hi Severus how are you?" "Good thanks fuzz"
I love it when the 7th yrs attempt to murder me. Yes it's sad that's how I get my thrills
I'm a real wild child eh?
Lily wants to take 10cm off my hair . My hair is 40cm long and it took 40 months to get it that way… no way on earth is ANYONE cutting my hair
My hair is shiny how about yours?
I have Divination homework to do now- thank god I'm in a bullshitting mood.
-Severus Snape
The sun has gone down and the time is 7:30pm fuzz
7th March 1987
Okay I know I only just wrote in this less than 12 hours ago but I have to get this out of my mind so I can get to sleep.
I think I feel differently about Morganna. Can I tell her that? Should I tell her that?
What if she is horrified and it ends our friendship. What if she isn't horrified but things become awkward. How do I handle this? I'm very bad at relationships. This cannot become a distraction; I can't afford it with all the work we are getting now.
I won't tell her. I'll just leave it and pray to god over time I forget.
Love is for the weak remember that Severus.
And you are not weak
-Severus Snape
2:13am
9th March 1987
Ho hum. Today Narcissa's friends put my hair into pigtails... and took a picture. I can't remember why I agreed to such torture... but it must have been a bloody good reason.
Potions was so boring today, we were doing bloody word equations for poisons. Booooring. I had to listen to Lucius sing Christmas carols and do little dance jigs behind the Potions Masters back. I also had divinity bleh. That lesson turns my brain to mush
-Sevvy Snape (yeah I gave in...)
4:50pm
14th March 1987
Hogsmeade weekend soon!
I'm looking for to hitting the 3 broomsticks and the Alcoholic beverages
It's worth a month in detention.
Lucius has been driving me out of my mind
1 1 was a race horse
2 2 was one too
1 1 won one race
2 2 won one too
If I hear it again I'm going to disembowel someone
I'm close to making sure James Potter has to piss into a plastic bag for the rest of his life
I got into a little brawl with him out side potions a few days ago. I was thinking about re-decorating the wall behind him in an interesting new shade called "hint of brain"... his brains being the feature.
He is such a prat.
Nothing much else has been happening. Work work and more work everything seems to be focused on the N.E.W.Ts … it's a year way for god sake!
There has been a lot of talk of this Voldemort Character lately. Is it just me or does Lucius get a demonic glint in his eye every time "Voldemort" is mentioned?
But me... no I have to be the one who looks the other way. I burst out laughing every time I hear Voldemort... stealing dead bodies?.. Honestly I'd kill myself with a name like that.
Severus ain't exactly a great name but at least it ain't cat piss in French.
I haven't told Morganna and I don't plan on telling her. Everything seems normal. And everything between me and her is too perfect to destroy like that.
Only an idiot would
I'm off to push some unsuspecting mates into a lake now
-Sevvy Snape who can't wait for the Hogsmeade weekend
3:36pm
15th March 1987
Today I got boiled in the shower. And I haven't been happy Sevvy since then. The breakfast this morning looked positively evil and for fear of death on swift wings I didn't touch any of it- evil. Have I ever mentioned I hate house elves? Well I do. Transfigurations was boring as per usual. We are getting a new transfigurations teacher next year. Professor Dumbledore was telling us about her. I'd prefer to have Dumbledore next year, he is more experienced, but on the down side he is the Gryffindor head of House. Oh the evil-ness. There has been talk about Professor Dippet retiring. I think we have just about driven him up and over the wall… just about.
I don't have much work today, which means I'm going to have to sit here in study time and doodle all over some ones books (preferably not my own) or just write in this journal. I find I can't express my feelings easily- not even to a journal. But who cares eh?
Lily has been talking about taking me to see a muggle hair dresser in the upcoming holidays. I didn't know my hair was bugging her just that much. Lily has also been going for insane dangerous swims in the lake at random times. Oh well, not my problem I suppose. At least I've tried to stop her
-Sevvy Snape
3:57pm
16th March 1987
I'm off to Hogsmeade.
If I don't ever write again I've probably died
And I order this book to self destruct
This is going to be so much fun... heh heh...
-Sevvy Snape (out to lunch be back in 10 hours)
11:30am
16th of the evil month
I'm back
mIss me?
The buttter beer down there just gets better evernee time
… Socks sing did you know that
sleep time now
- Nape evil Sevevy goo
Late
March 18th ( can't be bother with the year)
Hogsmeade was fun. I over did it though I fear
5 detentions. Go me!
-Severus Snape
8:20am
March 21st
Why does my life always end up so complicated?
If I weren't so damn insecure I could just get it over and done with and tell her.
Nothing ever comes out right though
"You're pretty" "you're ugly"
I think she has caught me staring at her
I'm such a mess
-Severus Snape
11:24pm
March 29th
I read today in the Daily Prophet this Voldemort thing has been attacking ministry of magic officials. The death toll stands at 7.
I have heard talk around the common room he was helped by a group called the Death Eaters. A group of those who work for him as assassins, spies- doing his dirty work for him and etc. The ministry is all up in arms trying to find this man. They want him killed.
So many fear he has great powers
He seems to be an idol in our common room
I find that very scary
What is going on?
Everything has gotten so dark
… All of a sudden
Is someone drawing the curtain on our lives?
-Severus Snape
5:34pm
April
I don't care what the date is
Voldemort had killed 17 more people, that is 24 in less than a week
I'm feeling particularly nervous about this situation
Something tells me it's going to get a whole lot worse
And were all going to get involved somehow
And yes, Lucius has started to smile whenever Voldemort is mentioned.
He is hiding something from me
And I don't think I really want to know
-Severus Snape
9:37pm
April 6th
Aeolus was doing illustrations of me today in potions
I've never looked so retarded in my life.
You should have seen what he drew of Lucius
Everyone is pretty good.
Scarlet has been hanging around a lot. And Narcissa and I have been talking a lot more.
She has noticed the sudden change in Lucius too
Things between me and Morganna are normal.
I'm so glad I didn't tell her.
-Severus Snape
5:03pm
April 7th
I'm ill, I hate it! I have a slight fever; at least I get out of divination. In my boredom I've devised a torture apparatus on a spare piece of parchment. I think it would work if I have a volunteer to try it out on… well who says they have to volunteer right?
I feel like a piece of crap and my hair feels greasy, I need a shower I feel un clean...
Study study fun fun.
I had a dream about a murderous ball of fluff last night, I was feeling feverish then too.
I think it was something in the food… house elves are evil it's true.
-S. Snape
12:30pm
April 7th
I got told today that I should be a professor when I graduate from Hogwarts. I'd rather die.
When I leave this hell hole I want to actually do something with my life. Something significant. I've worked too hard to get where I am to waste my intelligence on being a bloody Professor. Although I like the idea of giving out a detentions. Can you imagine me on a bad day?
See you in detention
-Professor S. Snape (god that sounds so wanker like)
7:45pm
April 10th
I'm in a depressed state of mind right now
I'm so sick of everyone and everything
-Severus Snape
10:43pm
April 13th
I feel sick.
So incredibly sick.
Physically and mentally sick with humiliation.
It was full moon. Lucius got a wonderful idea for one of us to follow Remus Lupin and find out what he is up to. Of course they picked me.
I should have never listened.
Sirius Black purposely let information slip about how to get into the whomping willow, where that fruitcake was going every full moon.
He set me up the stupid prick. I can't believe I was so stupid as to fall for it.
Anyway Lucius sent me off after Evan had confirmed Remus had gone. I got down there and opened the damn thing.
You know what that retard is? A bloody werewolf
Anyway he was tearing the place apart and James Potter turns up and hurls me out.
I feel so sick. I owe my life to James Potter. That retard James Potter.
I would rather die. I just want to snuff it right now.
Moron Snape Moron!
The shame and humiliation is burning me up inside and ever since I've felt so damn feverish. I can't take lessons with the Gryffindor anymore, I just can't. My pride has been smashed and now lies shattered before me. The sudden vulnerability I'm experiencing is like nothing I've ever felt before. I feel like I'm standing alone in the dark and I can hear laughing in the distance. There is absolutely nothing around me and nothing beneath me. I could be attacked from all angles.
The shame and humiliation is killing me slowly
I wish for peace
I wish for freedom
-Severus Snape
11:24pm
April 21st
Still trying to deal with the humiliation of the recent incident.
Today we had a year meeting.
They are targeting self esteem issues in our year. Seeing as we are coming up to the N.E.W.Ts...
… There was a suicide in Raven claw about a week ago
The whole school is still in mourning
I think it has shocked us all into reality after we have spent so long thinking the N.E.W.Ts would be tomorrow not today and leaving Hogwarts would never come.
How can any of us survive the next year after this?
-Severus Snape
12:40am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Insert into Journal
A sheet filled out by Severus Snape at year meeting. Was meant to be handed in but found its way to his journal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Name: Severus Snape House: Slytherin
Fill out Questions as honestly as you can. Attempt to fill all questions in.
Hand this in to your head of House.
Open Questions (extended response)
I feel Happy when: I don't I feel sad when: I don't I get angry when: When I screw up and humiliate myself. And After a school tragedy they make us fill in shit like this so we can't forget. More than anything I wish: I was released from this world, to have freedom I am Afraid that: I might take the same path as that Ravenclaw girl. That we all might I look forward to: Going home for summer holidays I hope I never: …………… If I could change one thing about myself it would be: The life I lead One problem I have: Putting my pride first Right now I feel: Depressed like everyone else. Sick. TiredClosed Questions (answer yes or no)
Are you easily hurt by criticism?: No Are you very Shy or Overly aggressive: No Do you try to hide your feelings?: Yes Do you fear close relationships: Yes Do you try to blame others for your mistakes: Yes Are you glad when others fall: …………………~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
April 23rd
Nobody wants to eat, nobody wants to sleep
Nobody wants to live
What has happened to us all?
-Severus Snape
9:59pm
April 26th
Well are all slowly crawling up out of our holes
I feel a lot better now. I have almost forgotten what has happened- the prank and the suicide.
But it's hard to erase completely from my mind.
Death toll: 39
Voldemort is gaining power.
But why has he chosen to attack now of all times.
-Severus Snape
7:30pm
April 27th
Holidays soon. I can't wait
-Severus Snape
2:20pm. Transfigurations class
April 29th
I really wish I could tell Morganna. I don't like hiding things from her
Death toll: 43
I'm scared
Hold me (I'm getting my humor back- kinda)
-Severus Snape
8:13am
April 30th
I feel utterly betrayed on all levels
My best friend-
How do I say this?
…..
Lucius Malfoy is a Death Eater
I don't believe it, I just don't believe it
The death eaters are for old maniacs not 16 years olds
It's a huge shock; I can't feel at the moment, I just feel sick
I wonder if he is going to hide this from Narcissa as he did me.
Its not fair life just isn't fair.
Here is the worst bit
He has chosen me to enter with him. He wants his best friend to do this with him.
To carry out such evil at his side.
I can't tell anyone this, Not Lily, not Aeolus, Not Morganna... no one. I can ask for no ones advice and I can not be comforted by any one. No one must know about the decision I am faced with. This is going to drive me insane.
Lucius is trying to make the offer seem like the opportunity of a lifetime. A wonderful thing. To have such power, to help in taking the world and holding it under our rule leaded by Lord Voldemort. It's tempting but…
No matter how much sugar you put on shit…. It's still shit
And that's what I see this all as. Shit.
-Severus Snape
3:41am
May 1st
I'm going to do it. For my friend… My best friend
I can't not do it. I can't just ignore this.
I heard that it is better to be at the right hand of evil than in its path.
If I don't go then I will not know what Lucius is getting into and if he died, it would stain my conscious for the rest of my life. It's already stained enough.
I'm going to become branded for life
-Severus Snape
2:34am
May 2nd
After I told Lucius I would he went and told Aeolus and Evan.
Aeolus left immediately. He went somewhere else- away from us. He hasn't spoken to me or Lucius since.
Evan jumped at offer. I'm glad to see they have something in common. They are both power hungry animals… and ironically I still view them as friends. Could it be I am just the same.. that I might try and convince myself I am doing this to watch Lucius.. when Power hungry is what I am too?
-S. Snape
May 3rd
I desperately need to talk to Lily or Morganna. I'm going to go out of my mind
I think I have to realize everyone has problems too
I'm so self centered it's not funny
Everything- me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me
Someone needs to slap me hard
I wish to god I was a stronger person
-Severus Snape
4:45pm
May 4th
God I'm a good actor
Nobody suspects a thing. I had someone say to me today- "You manage to find something funny in the worst of times, don't you ever feel depressed or under pressure?"
Maybe this is one of those muggle Hollywood movies. I feel like it is. Because I'm walking around playing a totally different part from my natural self
… I can't even remember a time when I was my natural self
I think I should get a (those muggle awards... the name will come to me…) an Oscar for this performance
-Severus Snape
May 5th
Holidays soon.
I can't wait to be away from this all. I can start next year off with a clean sheet, in a happier mood... and try and keep things that way. This year has been such a …. Bad one
We will get our exam results back soon but.
I bet I failed…..
Who cares?
Not me
-Severus Snape
10:07am divination class
May 7th
Lucius Malfoy has the ugliest thing on his arm. It's horrible
It's called a dark mark. A way of distinguishing death eaters and calling them to their master. According to Lucius to burns and hurt terribly when his "Master" is calling
I don't want this…or do i?… either way I have to do it
-Severus Snape
6:48pm
May 9th
Holidays. That's when it's going to happen.
….. That's when I am going to be branded for life…
-Severus Snape
8:23pm
May 10th
I told Lily.
Now she in convinced I'm going to die over the holidays.
I'm such a moron.
But I had to tell her. I hate hiding things from my …..friends.
-Severus Snape
May 12th
Holidays Soon.
I probably won't write until I get back so until then Good bye
When I next write I will be one of them...
-Severus Snape
Packing 4:35pm
I can't find any socks and my wand has gone walkies.
….Walkies?......