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Chapter 17 :Odd Numbers of The Month

November 10th

I am bitterly worn out.

I'm rather weary of Akira just at the moment. If i don't give her attention right at the moment she wants it she automatically concludes I'm ignoring her and goes off in a fit. Once she is in a mood she doesn't talk to me at all. Then she gets touchy about everything else. I knew she did these sorts of things long before this, but seeing as I'm the 'trigger' and I'm getting the harassment from all her harpies I can't really cope with it. Tomorrow it will be alright.

Today I don't love her.

I suppose it's not healthy for a relationship if you are always in love. So I've decided I'll love her on odd numbers of the month. Tomorrow is the 11th, so I'll love her tomorrow . If she doesn't infuriate me further.

Or maybe all the days with 2 in it.

That would be the 2nd,12th,20th,21st,22nd,23rd,24th,25th,26th,27th,28th and 29th of a month.

A 6th year Bella Edwards told me Akira can get really irrational and paranoid at the best times. Otherwise however she is 'Delightful'. I can't wait to see her with 'PMS' or whatever that is. Should it be just an excuse to be unexplainably nasty to ones significant other.

Yes that will be as delightful as having your tongue stapled to the floor with a croquet loop.

I'm so tired, I still have to go to study after dinner. I don't want to talk to anyone, its beyond elucidation why I feel so, I don't know.. crushed?

There is no valid reason to feel so black and white.

Severus Snape

-6:10pm

November 11th

No certainly don't love Akira today.

Think I shall only love her on the 29th of February.

I'm so fractious today.

I'm so angry.

Severus Snape

- Potions.

November 11th

So I'm a rather spiteful, malicious, vicious…

Our year or rather the older years, 6th and 7ths are divided into two groups.

Those interested by the dark arts, power and are disrespectful to outside authorities, ((This is where I generally fit in))And those who come to hopelessly waste their time on looks, flirting like it's a respected sport, and be nosy and talkative.

All Akira's friends fit in the above specified group.

I would like it to be known however that I am grateful my future wife is desperately enthralled by the dark arts so I will have absolutely no trouble with her anytime soon.

Anyway, Akira's friends. Can't keep themselves out of a dispute. Took it upon themselves to fix the minuscule riff between Akira and I . This was all because I told her to settle the hell down before potions when she was working herself into one of her attention seeking fits over something that wasn't her fault. To this she told me to go fuck myself. I hope she daren't speak like that around my grandfather. Anyway, the harpies.

The mess they created. Going back and forth between us like some juvenile 10 year olds. This was all while I was trying to study for a Charm's evaluation mind you.

Had to find Akira, and we together, told the bunch of them to go die.

Therefore tension between Akira and I dissolved.

I'm still very tired. And I would like it add my fiancée is a very good kisser should we 'fight' again and I forget this.

-Severus Snape

Almost 11pm.

November.

Lily slapped me. The bitch, slapped me silly.

I had an argument with her. She slapped me and I can't exactly see out one eye.

Slapped the wits out of me.

Vicious bitch.

I informed her she should stay out of my life. Then she starts up about friendship. And then I say she's changed and she says so have I. I said Potter's changed her. She tells me to lay off him. I told her to go screw her Gryffindor boyfriend. We get into an argument over houses. I get slapped at different intervals throughout this argument. Then she tells me that she hopes I die of consumption.

I tell her I hope she dies of whatever transmittable diseases Potter will give her.

She slaps me hard.

I'm in a strop.

Gryffindors will go to hell. Salazar should have killed Godric before he left the school.

-Snape

November 13th.

Hospital Wing.

-Severus Snape.

November 13th

Apparently I blacked out shortly after I got up.

Accordingly to Madam Pomfrey because the disease is attacking my system it is possible that it is weakening my automated breathing and because I was not awake to regulate my breathing I could have been receiving a reduced amount of oxygen to my brain during the night. Therefore when I woke up I passed out. I feel flaws in this theory, I did do units of science before coming to Hogwarts and one would think I'd have brain damage if so.. but then… I'm certainly not the matron.((And I'd kill myself If I were.))

I can't breathe quite properly at the moment, and I'm constantly coughing to clear my airways. Madam Pomfrey keeps casting spells to do this for me, but I'm beginning to fear this practise. As after the 3rd time she did this I could taste blood in my mouth and feel it rising. I realise that is my own body's doing, but I am cautious.  

Naturally I'm missing lessons. Naturally I will have to catch up.

I really don't want to die of this affliction.

Its been so.. agonizing lately.

I keep this to myself and as I pen it to paper it sounds stupid. But I can feel it killing me this time. I can feel my senses deteriorating,

And I'm alone. Its rather simple. There is no one who does understand me.

Apart from maybe that man that died of this.. that night. Maybe he knew. He died alone.

-Severus Snape

2:23pm

November 14th



I don't want sympathy. I don't want pitying looks. Hell I'd rather die.

I wondered last night before I went to sleep, if everything Madam Pomfrey says is true I could just fall asleep and never wake up. Just cease breathing. There are things I still need to do, and I don't want to die with every word I didn't say.

Out of hospital wing.

Don't love Akira today.

Far too awkward and far too weary of her to be in love at the moment.

-Severus Snape

9:40pm.

November 15th

Too much.

Every now and then I write in this journal. I write down what I would like to be thinking. But I seem so unclear and fragmental. Most of it is honest crude truth. But it's a jest to myself. It's what I'd say about someone, snidely to someone else. It's really rather impersonal.

But I know what I think. And I've known it for more than a year. I sit and flip back and I was even toying with the idea of approaching her and letting her know. Now how could I 7 or so days ago write here that I had no idea why I was pushing her so far away? Of course I know. It's more obvious that a luminous green monster in a pitch black room.

I know why I didn't tell her. I pretend like I don't.

Because I need at least her approval. Not at least. Above all else, I need her approval. What in gods name would she think if I was harbouring all this for her underneath? Its not shallow beneath the surface, every time I think I'm marrying someone else instead of the exact person I would have wearing that cursed engagement ring a deep hole opens in in my stomach, and I want to be sick.. sick until all I can bring up is bile.

But if I told her. She'd recoil like she had been stuck. She'd be repulsed.

What would I look like if I told her all this, when I've spent all this time building an impassive reputation for myself. Flawless and unfeeling. I've had my share of fun, rowdy-ness. Playing a character not unto myself. But I have a mask. And he is cold and uninterested. And this here in my journal is the closest even I can come to the real myself. I don't need consumption to kill myself, I'm doing quite fine all on my own.

I couldn't have her. She is perfect in every aspect.

Physically she is beautiful. The sort of unreal beauty people want to be in a glass case and show off in a exhibition somewhere.

I hear all sort of 'religious' preachings from Lucius and the whole entire gang, but I can't agree, I can't even see the logic. But if she says something, it must be right. Statements I couldn't possibly argue. She is mentally beautiful.

Perfection.

Therefore no imperfect person could corrupt.

She probably has a partner back in France. An already arranged marriage.

'Suitors' lined up to germany.

It's so impossible.

And I've fallen in love with her.

I don't love Akira. I know this because I can switch these feelings on and off around her. When I need her there, to ease the pain of whatever emotional affliction I bear, I can think I love her. She is attractive, and had a high standing among Slytherins I suppose.

I can love her body, but I can't commit to her beyond that. Because I suppose I'm disgustingly self serving. What we have is purely physical at the best of times.

So before she slips out of my reach I will marry her.

And I will pretend to love her. Unless worse comes to worse I will not allow her to end the marriage.

We'll be my parents.

I'll occupy the east apartments of the manor, and she'll occupy the west. I'll guiltily listen to the morose music from her suite as it floats across the courtyard, whilst I travel along the upper walkway to our children's rooms. I will make sure they are working. They will be sadly neglected.

And so will She.

3:14am

November 15th

Lily is a bitch.

And I have a headache.

Disregard last entry. I'm not sure what planet I'm on. All lies.

-Severus Snape

4:25pm

November 16th

Landed back in Hospital Wing.

Wesley is going to travel from where he lives in Dover to Hogwarts to see me, under my grandfathers command of course. Family unsure if I am in my right mind still, what with proposing without even consulting anyone, which was completely out of line of me seeing as I have no say over my life. Silly me.

Therefore, so the family can settle with the idea of my impending marriage to Akira, we've moved the wedding date to the spring after next, which is ample time for everyone to get used to the idea as that is well over a year.

Dragged out engagement.

Wesley warned me in his strongly worded letter not to a) do anything with Akira that could result in unwanted pregnancy, not that any of that is his business at all. Akira just laughed. Senile old coot. b) Get in trouble and or c) Try to make any more transactions with my parents' accounts. Apparently when he arrives I'll be in a large amount of trouble for squandering money. Ha.

Let us see how things unfold. He'll probably have me come back to Brighton on one of my weekend passes.

They are trialling 4 weekend passes a semester, as a lot of students get homesick. Although they are also thinking after past incidents of children of ministry members being abducted while travelling home of banning it. They banned it for 3, 4, 5, but let the 2 youngest years out as they get the most homesick and don't have at least hogsmeade to go to. Makes sense. 6th and 7th can leave though. I haven't used a one.

I'm tired, and I have Akira here trying to read what I'm writing.

Hello Beautiful.

-Severus Snape

1:30pm

Authors Notes For Chapters 16 and 17: Well, 16, I just started writing these again so a lot of the original story has floated away. Well excuse the Soap and Shower jokes, but it was the running joke between Rachel and myself, as well Great Hall and Frying Pan joke, which I think I can leave out for now. That was about the way of things. Journal entries for this chapter. Now we move along to the meat of the plot, but I'm going to drag it out before I get there. Things shall happen in next chapter. Hn Tired now.