Disclaimer: I don't own any LOTR Characters.
Note: Telepriën and Charity are the same person. WARNING !!!The first part of this chapter is graphic!!!
Chapter 9 ~Ana~
Ana my salvation.
She's given me so much unrest.
Filled my stomach with sorrow.
Nights awake with so
much misery.
Time elapses slowly,
waiting for dawn.
So slow, like school.
The many days I spent in the
bathroom eating my
madness alone.
My mouth filled with poison,
I suffocate as I try to drain
my body of this poison.
But no one will help,
as they hear my
wrenched howls.
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Charity woke up shaking and sweating, she quickly sat up and raked her hands through her hair. The flashbacks were haunting her once dreams, an escape from reality, but now the flashbacks had turned them into nightmares. To seek refuge from these memories was almost impossible now, her life was spinning out of control again.
"Are you well?" Charity was startled, she turned around and saw Legolas.
"Uh, yeah. Bad dream, that's all." She didn't want to tell him it was a memory.
"You should go back to sleep, it's not even dawn yet." Charity laid on her side and drew her blanket over her head. She curled up, eyes tightly closed, teeth clenched. With a quick last breath she held her breath and kept quiet, she silently screamed inside. An abundance of dark thoughts roamed her mind, but she did her best to stay calm, not wanting to wake anyone. Keeping the burden to herself was something she was use too. When she finally took another breath, she pulled the blanket off her head. She could feel the cool wind lightly kissing her face.
Legolas watched her like a hawk. Charity's melancholic eyes watched the dying camp fire. The flames danced around, sparks flew out of the fire and burned the fall leaves. The smoke was carried away with the wind. She saw Legolas get up and pick up a log off the ground, and placed it into the fire. Charity breathed through her nose, her hair reeked the smell of smoke. It reminded her of the times she went camping with Leah, but Charity quickly shifted her thoughts away. In interest, she watched the fire spread up the new log, burning everything it touched. Her eyes suddenly became clouded, she blinked furiously to get them moist again.
"You've only slept for four hours, you should go back to sleep." Legolas said again, he looked at the girl curled up into a ball.
"I can't sleep." Charity said, still blankly looking at the fire. Legolas could feel a disturbance in her.
"Do you want to practice archery then?"
"Sure." Charity unwrapped herself from her blankets quietly. The hobbits were sleeping not too far from her. She noticed that Haldir wasn't around.
"Where is Haldir?" she said in a whisper.
"He took a walk." Legolas whispered back. Obviously Haldir wasn't tired if he was taking a walk this early. She stretched then started to follow Legolas into the clearing, her hands were placed inside her coat pockets until she took her hair out of her ponytail, and wrapped the elastic around her wrist.
"Do you do anything else than cut yourself?" Legolas asked with curiosity. Charity couldn't believe he was asking such a question, but replied anyway.
"Yes, I've done other things." Charity pulled her sleeves up, both of them looked at her bandaged arm.
"May I ask?"
Charity looked at him with empty eyes. "Anorexia, and sometimes I would be bulimic."She said in great haste with a whisper. As she took a quick glance at Legolas, she realized he was confused.
"Um...Anorexia is when you don't eat."
"Your family could not afford food?
"No, my family could afford food. Ana is when you purposely constrict your food intake..."
"What's bulimic?"
"When you purposely throw up your food." Charity didn't binge then purged, she just purged. Legolas looked as if he just been punched in the gut. He wanted to grab her, and shake her while screaming WHY, but he kept his composure.
Charity lightly kicked a rock, "I was always on and off, I never really stuck to it. I would fast sometimes, but I'd mostly just cut down what I ate. I wasn't that extreme."
"Forcing yourself not to eat is extreme." Legolas said back. Personally, Charity thought she was pathetic, not being able to starve herself for a certain amount of days.The satisfaction of an empty stomach fulfilled her, but that feeling only lasted so long for her will was not strong. That's when she started to cut, but she never let go ana. It was one of her many backups, incase there were no knives. Recently though, she hadn't used it as a backup. She wanted more pain, more control, so she wouldn't eat. When she had the filthy urge to eat, she would cut herself. Some who chose ana would carry around pictures of slim models from magazines, she carried a picture of herself. To stare at failure would make her sick, it was her own punishment to herself. She could care less if she gained or lost weight, she didn't take it as a benefit is just came along with this new kind of control.
It seemed like yesterday, she could remember the taste of vomit, the bitter taste of stomach acid. The times when she would throw up even if she hadn't eaten. The image of chunks of regurgitated food was etched into her mind again. Sometimes she would be so weak, she'd pass out and awake with her head against the toilet, or her body laying on the cold tile floor. The stench of vomit would always overwhelm her when she awoke. The many endless nights staying awake from the hunger pain. Her notebooks were filled with calorie counts, and anything she had eaten that day. Every moment of her day was consumed thinking about food, providing her with distraction. She was always weak, and would shake. As much as it felt horrible, Charity sickly missed those moments.
"Do you do this because you are insecure of your body?" Legolas questioned, snapping Charity from her thoughts.
"No, many people think that. There not wrong to think that either, but I did it because it was something I could control. Like cutting, pain I could control." Charity sighed, thinking how Legolas must think she was some sort of vile person. In reality, Legolas was beginning to understand her. Self control was something she desired, something she worked hard and yearned for. If she began to loose control of her life, she'd try to catch herself by self-inflicting injuries, as if pain was her rescue net. She never knew, that she was just making it worse.
"Do you still do this?"
Charity hesitated for a moment. "No." She quickly said, and looked away. Legolas knew she was lying, it was making sense now, many times she had refused to eat the food given to her, or even eat in the dinning hall. Her excuses were always, I'm not hungry, I don't like eating with other people, or saying that she wasn't used to the food of Middle-Earth. They all believed her, she tricked them with her innocent and convincing voice. When she did eat, and that was only when she was about to pass out, she'd eat little amounts of food.
Charity saw the concern in Legolas' face. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Just promise, you won't tell anyone." Legolas didn't know what to do, let her keep destroying herself, or tell someone. If he told someone, where would it lead her? Charity would never trust him again. He could heal wounds, but he couldn't forcefully shove food down Charity's throat. He looked at the girl, with a distraught look on his face.
'What am I to do?' Legolas thought to himself. Charity was in her own thoughts, how could she be telling all this to an elf she showed animosity towards.
Charity's head jerked to the left of her, she quickly pulled her sleeves down."Haldir is coming."
Legolas was surprised she knew, but kept that to himself.
"Good Morning!" Haldir said, he looked at both of them suspiciously. Charity noticed, and started to panic.
"Morning! We were just getting started with archery." She said casually, trying to act if nothing had happened. Legolas decided to play along too.
"Yes, I was just giving her tips." Haldir, nevertheless, believed them. Legolas gave Charity his bow from Lotholorien.
"First, show us what you know. Then we'll teach you from there." Charity remembered her gym classes, they had done a small unit in archery. She took the bow with her left hand, and placed the arrow perfectly with her right.
'Hm...maybe we won't have to teach her that much.' Legolas thought to himself. Charity had the arrow in-between her index and middle finger.
'She's got it.' Charity pulled back then released the arrow, it fumbled and fell a lousy three meters in front of her.
'She doesn't got it'
"Oops..." Charity quickly gave Legolas back his bow.
Haldir took a deep breath and said "We've got a long ways to go."
They taught her archery till noon, but they weren't very successful. Charity's attention span was short, so she'd daze off when one of the two gave her a lesson. Her arrows were making very little progress, instead of three meters, she managed to get to five. The arrows would still fumble or move in an unwilling direction.
"I can't do this. We've been out here for almost five hours, making a stupid arrow go forward." Charity said lazily. She had a point though, if a orc came an attacked her, she'd probably use it to gauge out the eyes of her enemies, instead of using her bow.
"Why not try your skill with a sword?" The three turned around and saw Aragorn and Gimli.
Charity eyed the two swords in his hand, 'you mean lack of skill' she insulted herself.
"I'll go get the arrows." Haldir left. Legolas felt that Charity needed to take one more shot.
Legolas handed her the last arrow, "Try one last time."
Charity shrugged and took the bow. Haldir was in front of a tree picking up arrows. Charity aimed the arrow towards him and snickered to herself, but of course she wouldn't be able to shoot that far. She decided to try anyway, just for fun. She pulled back and released, to her surprise it sped towards her target.
Legolas watched, and soon realized where the arrow was headed towards. "HALDIR!" he cried out. Haldir turned around, with terror in his eyes, he yelped as an arrow landed right in between his legs.
"Oooohhh." Aragorn and Gimli recited, eyes squinted, and their faces scrunched. Legolas didn't know whether to congratulate her, or go help his terrified friend.
Gimli coughed, "Good aim...but you missed, aim a little higher next time."Gimli gave her a wink.
Charity was holding her breath, she had sucked in her lips. Legolas looked at her oddly, he saw her shoulders quickly move up and down, she was squinting. A new feeling was growing in Charity, she couldn't stand it anymore, an unfamiliar sound came out of her. It sounded like she was hyperventilating, she quickly covered her mouth. It was building inside her, trying to rip out of her vocal cords.
Legolas and the others watched in awe, as she removed her hand and for the first time, heard her laugh. Charity leaned against Gimli, the sight Haldir plastered onto the tree with fright, with his face as white as the snow on Caradhras, the little squeal he made, all of it was running through her mind. She was laughing so hard, occasionally snorting in an unladylike manner. Though her laugh may have sounded unladylike and ungraceful, to Legolas it was harmonious.
"Okay, okay, I'll cal----" Another glance at the plastered elf made her laugh again. This time she was on the ground laughing, she made a couple more snorts and decided to stop laughing. Aragorn helped her off the ground, Charity noticed the odd looks she was getting.
"What?" Quietly asking.
The three looked at each other, "Nothing."
Aragorn and Charity made there way towards the middle of the clearing. Haldir walked cautiously back towards camp, with wide frightened eyes. The smirk had wiped off of Haldir, and adorned Charity's face. Though Haldir was frightened, the way the arrow sped towards him, the movement, it was somehow familiar. But he shrugged the thought off.
"First, this will be your sword." Aragorn began.
'Oh crap.' Charity grabbed the sword with one hand but almost dropped it, she quickly clasped the sword with two hands. Obviously she wasn't strong enough to hold it with one hand.
"Are you holding your sword right?" Aragorn asked, Charity looked at his hand position and mimicked.
Aragorn nodded with approval, "I'm going to test you now, just follow your instincts."
Charity nervously laughed inside of her, she watched as Aragorn walked a few meters from her. He drew his sword out, it glistened in the sunlight. Then he started to run towards her, his sword positioned as if to impale her. Charity dropped her sword and bolted behind a tree.
Aragorn stopped and shook his head, "Gandalf's daughter, the soon to be protector of Middle-Earth is scared of a sword?...And cannot shoot an arrow, Oh Valar what should we do!"
Charity stood behind the tree, biting her nails.
Legolas appeared beside her, "You know how to deal with knives and daggers, right?"
Charity stopped bitting her nails, "Yes."
"Then you should be able to handle a sword." Legolas gently pushed her from the tree. Charity heaved a sigh and walked towards Aragorn again, she picked up her sword and summed up the courage to stay put. She felt tired, and she was shaking again. From either fear or hunger, but she did not surrender to those feelings.
"Should I try again, or will you run?" She responded by raising her sword. Aragorn started to charge at her again, with the sword targeted to her stomach, he watched as she suddenly charged towards him, when her stomach was inches away from the sword she swiftly turn aside and behind Aragorn. She held the blade of the sword to his throat. It was a simple but strange move to make with a sword, if it was with a dagger it would have been understandable. It may have been strange, but Legolas knew she had done it on purpose.
Charity heard Aragorn's sword drop, and she withdrew her sword. Aragorn knew how to counter her move, but needed to know her strength and weakness, so he let her win.
"Very good, but you won't be able to defeat much with that move. I will be teaching you the proper way to fight with a sword. We won't go too fast though. First off, you have to get use to your sword."
Charity nodded, and for the next two hours lightly sparred with Aragorn. She made a lot of mistakes, and moved erratically with the sword. Once or twice Aragorn had to duck his head. She tried her best to keep up with Aragorn, but the foot work confused her and she fell many times. She skinned her knees but kept going.
"Keep up." Aragorn said. The two swords clashed to together, making a metallic noise, they both withdrew but attacked again. With what was left of her strength she raised the heavy sword again, her arms were heavy, any minute her arms felt as if they were to fall off.
"Are you two hungry?" Gimli yelled out, breaking their concentration. Charity immediately dropped her sword, she shook her arms and flexed them. A slight throbbing pain came from her hands, she looked down and saw one of her fingers bleeding, she brought her finger to her mouth the familiar taste of blood filled her taste-buds.
"Are you injured? Let me take a look." Aragorn reached for her hand, but she backed away and shook her head.
"I'm okay, really! Just go ahead of me. I'll be fine."
Aragorn picked up the sword, "As you wish. I guess you're tired, we'll practice again later."
"I need to rest a bit." Charity was buying time.
"Very well, I'll meet you back at camp then." Aragorn nodded at Charity and walked back to camp with Gimli and Legolas, they passed Haldir who was making his way towards Charity.
"Haldir...Sorry about this morning." She mumbled through her finger, she backed away from him until she hit a tree.
Haldir evilly eyed her, "I'm here on a different...matter."
Charity smiled courteously, she tried backing away but the tree stood in her way. Haldir had stopped in front of her, that all too familiar scent was around him. He was so close that the three had stopped walking and were staring with wonder.
"What in Valar is he doing?" Aragorn asked.
"I think he's about to kiss her." Gimli eyed the two in disapproval
"WHAT! No, that's impossible!"
Aragorn almost jumped at Legolas's remark, "No Legolas, that's not impossible."
"Do you think Gandalf would be a overproctective father?" Gimli asked
"Why do ask?" Aragorn said.
"Well, if he's going to kiss her, he'd better do it soon. If Gandalf comes and sees Haldir, he'll bludgeon him to death with his staff." Gimli scratched his forehead. Aragorn gave a slight chuckle.
Aragron also gave his insight, "No...I think he'll let him die slowly. He'll drop him into the abyss of Moria."
Haldir could see the three looking on, he decided to make it a bit more scandalous and pulled Charity to the other side of the tree. No one could see them now, Haldir took a little peek. The three had disapproval written all over their faces, Aragorn looked at him menacingly as if to question his actions.
He turned his attention back onto Charity. She had her hand behind her back, clenched into a fist, she was not going to let anyone get the better of her. The quickening pace of her pulse could almost be heard.
"Are you scared?" Haldir whispered. Charity clenched her fist harder, and shook her head. Tension was starting to build as his body leaned closer to hers, she didn't know if she had the will to punch him. She desperately tried to backup, but her feet only scrambled the foliage underneath her. The forest must have gotten hotter, Charity could feel the hot air around them. In a few seconds Haldir would be so close to her face, he would be able to kiss her.
As his face was only an inch closer to hers, "Accompany me to the Celebrations tomorrow night."
Charity automatically unclenched her pained fist, "What?"
"Will you accompany me to the Celebrations tomorrow?"
Charity looked at him blankly, it took several seconds to realized what he was asking.
"Uh...Why?"
"Well, I don't have anyone to go with yet, no one has asked me." Haldir gently said, his body now withdrawn. Charity knew he was lying though, she had heard many of the elf maidens talking about him. Well not really, she had passed several elf maidens speaking in elvish and heard his name being said many times, then they would giggle with enjoyment. She also had seen the looks he was getting.
"Are you sure you want to go with me?" Charity asked with insecurity, wondering why he had chosen her, there were so many beautiful elf maidens he could go with.
"Yes, I mean if your not taken already. Are you?"
"No." She immediately answered.
"Well?" Haldir waited for an answer.
"All right, I'll go with you." Charity quietly said.
Haldir smirked, "Good, it will be a pleasure to go with you. I'll make sure you have a good time."
Charity gulped, she hated social event. Being in a room with lots of people terrified her, unless she was drunk of course. Getting through tomorrow night would be a quest itself. Charity tried to think of something else as she walked back to the camp with Haldir.
When they returned Sam greeted her and gave her a meal, "Charity! Here you go."
Charity took the food and sat beside Frodo. Haldir took a seat next to Gandalf, who luckily didn't take notice of Haldir and Charity in the woods. Aragorn however, shot glares at him. He just smirked and ate.
"How was training?" Frodo asked.
"Uh...Lets just say I need lots more practicing." Charity said.
She didn't notice a certain elf watching her every move. Legolas intently watched her chop her food in tiny pieces, then she pushed the tiny particles of food over the plate. She staked the food with her fork, and ate. He noted that she took a long time to chew such small amount of food. He kept thinking of those words she uttered this morning.
"I'll be fine."
'Was she really fine? Would she really get through this?'
Could this fallen luscious creature really get through this? Or would she fall even deeper into sorrow. Were the words that she uttered a lie? Legolas knew not to trust these light moments, ever since he caught her cutting herself. He knew immortality was envied by many, yet, Charity loathed it. Gandalf once told him that death could be a gift to some, and a doom to others.
When she would take her last breath, and her body placed underneath the soil, would she finally have peace?
Legolas tried to look away and think of better thoughts, he shifted his thoughts onto the Celebrations tomorrow. He would be taking Wilwarwin.
He didn't know it yet, but it would be one night he'd never forget.
~Thanks for reading, please Review me!~
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For some reason the thought of Gandalf being overprotective and bludgeoning Haldir made me laugh for a long time! I swear I couldn't even write the next sentence without laughing. Ah, okay. I didn't really focus on her training that well in this chapter, but I will hopefully do that in an upcoming chapter.
Though in the book Arwen's wedding is in the summer, it'll be fall in my story. I'm not sure how Arwen's wedding was like, so I'm going to make it up, so don't throw stones at me!
Thank-you for the reviews!! I will try to fix up my grammar in the previous chapters once I have time. Mwahahahah okay I'm off to write.