I've Seen Better Movies At Blockbuster
"I told you this was a mistake Charles," Logan commented as the police drove Dylan away.
"Well another night, another disaster," Rogue commented as she watched a bickering Gary and Jeff fight on the lawn. They punched each other out. "Better tell that ambulance coming that it's gonna have two other patients!"
"Ambulance?" Xavier asked. Then he heard a scream above. "Oh yes, I'd forgotten about Amara."
"Lance, Peter…" Kitty turned to the two. "I'm really sorry about all this. I've really been a jerk about all this. Can you forgive me?"
"Oh yeah now you come back to us!" Lance snapped.
"How convenient!" Peter snapped.
"Yeah for her!" Lance said.
"Guys!" Kitty pleaded.
"You know Kitty you were right," Peter said. "Maybe we should all give you some space!"
"Great idea! You wanna get a burger?" Lance asked Peter.
"Why not?" Peter shrugged and walked away with him.
"GUYS!" Kitty ran after them.
"Well I hope you people are happy!" Mac screamed as he ran up to them. "You've just ruined one of the best kids I ever managed! YOU! YOU…AAAAGGGH! MY HEART!" He fell to the ground and started to flounder around.
"Heart attack?" Scott asked as Hank bent over Mac and examined him.
"Actually it looks more like an anxiety attack," Hank informed him.
"Well this has been a fun night," Scott grumbled.
"Something tells me our careers as movie stars are over," Kurt sighed. "Well all's well that ends well."
"For who?" Rogue asked.
"Hey we didn't end up in jail and we're not getting sued," Logan said. "That's good enough for me."
"I just wish more of our events didn't end with someone needing a trip to the hospital," Hank sighed as the ambulance pulled up.
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Three weeks later:
"Hey Kitty! You got something in the mail," Bobby called out as he held up a small package. Several X-men were in the kitchen.
"What is this?" Kitty opened this. "It's a videotape. Hey it's a copy of Dylan's movie!"
"You mean his last movie," Scott told her. "Is he still in that Tibetan Monastery?"
"Yeah he's just taken his vow of silence for the next forty years," Kitty read the note that was also in the package. "This is one of the few copies of the movie."
"They made it that fast?" Jean asked.
"Well a lot of it they had shot before and they just edited parts of it to make it look like everything was done here at the mansion," Kitty said. "Oh no…"
"What?" Scott asked. "What's wrong?"
"The studio's not gonna release the film," Kitty groaned. "They claim it's too controversial and pro-mutant! All the other copies were either burned or in a vault somewhere."
"You mean after all that we didn't get anything from it?" Rogue grumbled.
"Well we got the tape," Kurt said. "Might as well watch it."
"You have a point," Bobby said. "Let's call the Misfits and make an afternoon out of it."
Soon all the Misfits and X-Men were in the auditorium. "All right!" Todd crowed. "Movie Time!"
"Yeah even though no one else will see it, we can enjoy it," Kitty said. "Right guys?"
"Did someone say something?" Lance remarked casually. "I didn't hear anything, did you Pete?"
"No I did not hear a thing my friend," Peter whistled. "Not a thing."
"Guys it's been over three weeks! How long are you two going to stay mad at me?" Kitty asked.
"Pretty long," Peter said.
"We're still not letting you off the hook for how you treated us," Lance told her.
"Yes talk to the elbow," Peter told her.
"The hand," Lance said to him.
"Well talk to that too," He said.
"Shhh!" Jean shushed. "It's starting!"
However as they actually started to watch the film the opinions started to fly. "I don't believe this…" Tabitha's jaw dropped.
"They named this movie Mutant Beer Bash?" Jean gasped. "How could they do that?"
"You were right Rogue," Scott groaned. "It is just a frat movie with mutants!"
"I told you!" Rogue snapped. "And worse, it's us on screen!"
"He's right," Kurt pointed. "Take a look!"
On screen Dylan and several actors were in a classroom partying. "Hey man! Why don't we rock this place!" Dylan shouted.
"Oh god he had to steal that from me didn't he?" Lance groaned.
"That's not all he stole!" Peter pointed as the special effects made Dylan's character morph into a metal skinned giant like Peter. "I'm gonna sue him!"
"He doesn't have any money left!" Lance told him. "Remember the trial?"
"Yeah that happened pretty fast," Peter remarked. "He's lucky he didn't end up in jail."
"Well I did get a good price for his Oscar on Ebay," Arcade said. "I have it in my room. It really looks good on my computer."
"Yeah well nothing makes this garbage good!" Logan groaned as they watched the film.
"My god this film makes me look stiff and wooden," Xavier moaned.
"Imagine that," John remarked.
"I'm best friends with…wait is that supposed to be Pyro?" Bobby shouted. "That is so unrealistic! On so many levels!"
"Well maybe we'll get lucky and he'll burn this film!" Amara growled.
"I don't believe this!" Jean shouted. "My character is leading on both Scott's character and Logan's character! How realistic is that? NOT ONE WORD QUICKSILVER!"
"What are you complaining about? All my character's done is phase through stuff and run!" Kitty shouted.
"Well at least we didn't have to hear her speak," Pietro said.
"Ha, ha!" Kitty remarked. "Well at least I'm not doing that either!" She pointed to the screen.
"I'm kissing….BOBBY?" Rogue screamed. "THAT IS JUST SICK!"
"You are one dead ice cube," Remy growled at Bobby.
"THAT WAS NOT MY IDEA!" Bobby shouted. "AND NEITHER IS THAT!"
"What is this film rated anyway?" Jean gasped.
"They told us PG 13 but that is definitely R rated!" Scott shouted.
"Technically no," Hank said. "I had a few cinema classes and that shot is considered safe within the PG 13 range." Then he watched the film for a few seconds more. "Okay that's definitely R rated."
"Now we're getting somewhere," Jamie said.
"Jamie go to your room!" Kitty said quickly.
"Hey! You can't send me to my room!" Jamie said.
"Yeah but I can!" Logan shouted. "Scoot!"
"But that's me on the screen!" Jamie pointed out. "Only my character's a lot older!"
"A lot older is right!" Kitty gasped.
"And bigger," Pietro quipped. "In all senses of the…"
"FAST FORWARD NOW!" Logan shouted. "NEXT SCENE! NO THIS IS EVEN WORSE!"
"Okay now we're both hugging and crying each other because Jean dumped us for…THE TOAD?" Scott shouted. "That is sick on so many levels!"
"Oh god why couldn't they have just killed my character instead?" Jean sunk into her seat.
"Yeah then everyone would have been happy," Pietro quipped. "Hey!" Jean threw her popcorn at him.
"Ugh! Just watching it makes me want to wash out my tongue with soap!" Todd shouted. "I feel so violated!"
"You feel violated? I'm not even there!" Althea said. "Like I don't really exist or something!"
"Trust us you were lucky!" Kurt moaned. "I don't even know where my character got all those tattoos! If my parents back home saw this I'd be grounded for life!"
"Just consider yourself lucky Amanda won't see it," Sam said. "Or what those folks on the screen are doing in Mr. Sefton's living room."
"And they thought I trashed it," Todd snickered. "Look what your boyfriend Dylan is doing Kitty!"
"I can't believe I went on a date with that guy!" Kitty groaned.
"YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IT?" Both Lance and Peter shouted at her.
"He was not good enough for my sister I tell you that!" Peter added.
"This is without a doubt the crappiest movie I've ever seen!" Ray snapped. "And I saw a back to back screening of Gigli and Glitter!"
"I thought those movies in the seventies were cheesy!" Forge groaned. "You know those old blacksplotation movies? They look like sensitive documentaries compared to this! I mean this thing shows mutants to be nothing more than violent, mentally challenged, sex-obsessed lunatics with an obsession for spandex!"
"You mean we're not?" Pietro asked.
"News to me," Xi remarked. "But apparently this movie says we can't go anywhere without starting fights with each other."
"Yeah and it ends with a huge keg party out on the lawn while several of the students are setting the building on fire!" John shouted. "Which actually is kind of accurate…"
"THIS IS THEIR IDEA OF PRO MUTANT?" Hank shouted.
"Maybe it's just as well this movie was never released," Xavier sighed.
"Guys we seriously need to get some new agents," Scott told them.