Chapter Two- The Edward-Wood Ward
Five days later our four fearless (using the word very loosely here) Rabbits had left Rabbiton and the Shy-er far behind and were plunging ahead like a trained Killer Whale at Seaworld into Chapter two.
They finally reached the outskirts of the Edward-Wood, much to the chagrin of Lamb, who seemed reluctant to enter the forest.
"But Mr Fido," he whined, giving Fido the special sidelong glance reserved just for him, "I don't be a thinkin' we should be a goin' into that there wood. Folks say it be a haunted, by queer forces they be a sayin'."
Fido, who could never understand a word of Lamb's thick accent (his ancestors were immigrants from Mordors-Less Windows, and the family Gangrene still had a D'orcish look about them), thought Lamb had said they should go through Edward Wood, and so proceeded into the copse.
They had not got far in, when Pipsqueak heard a strange noise in the forest behind them, not unlike the flapping of great wings. But of this the Rabbits took no notice, for Pipsqueak was always hearing noises, or voices, especially voices that encouraged him to burn things.
They carried on for a while, until Smelly was convinced that he had heard a quacking sound, and even Fido himself noticed some odd webbed footprints on the path now and then.
By this time feeling considerably spooked, the Rabbits suddenly heard behind them the sinister swishing of a long, black cloak. After hastily erecting (insert your own pun here) a makeshift hiding place from twigs, leaves, a copy of Reader's Digest and a craftily placed thumbtack, the Rabbits stood stock still (and that's pretty darn still, I'll have you know) and waited to see their pursuer.
Presently down the path came a towering cloaked figure, with no body parts on show, apart from two enormous webbed feet that stuck out from under the hem of the cloak, and a huge orange beak that poked through the hood. The strange being glanced about him for a while, and eventually made towards the Rabbit's shelter. Fido held his breath, but the monster only flicked through a few pages of Reader's Digest, and moved on.
The Rabbits breathed a sigh of relief, and discarded their shelter, just as the black-bird came back into the clearing with a pair of scissors to cut out the article it had been reading, an intriguing piece promising a guaranteed cash prize!
For a few seconds the black-bird surveyed the exposed Rabbits, like four donuts just spotted by Homer Simpson. Then the black-bird gave an almighty "quack" and the Rabbits were filled with dread, so instead of showing it their fake IDs and carrying on through the wood as if they weren't carrying an evil ring-pull, Smelly, Lamb and Pipsqueak simultaneously pointed at Fido and yelled "He's got it!" and promptly turned (fuzzy) tail and ran like headless chickens into the surrounding shrubbery.
Fido, meanwhile, had not been idle. While the black-bird was distracted by the other three Rabbits, Fido had quickly scaled a likely looking tree and armed himself with acorns to throw at the fiend.
The black-bird, unperturbed by this turn of events, pulled a chainsaw from the folds of his cloak and proceeded to brandish it in Fido's tree's direction.
The second the chainsaw touched the tree's bark, though, a gunshot resounded through the woods and the black-bird dropped the 'saw, presumably because a bullet-shaped hole had materialised in its wing.
A figure stepped from the trees into the clearing, wearing a rainbow striped jacket, a yellow basketball shirt, a black mini skirt and brand new Nike trainers. Her hair had rainbow streaks in it, and slung across her back was a bag with a rainbow strap. In her hand (with rainbow nails), was a (you've guessed it) rainbow coloured handgun. She opened her mouth and sang a little ditty to the tune of Pink Floyd's 'Another Brick in the Wall'.
"Hey! Seagûl! Leave my trees alone!"
This she repeated several times until the black-bird could take her off-key singing no longer and ran from the clearing with its wings clamped firmly over its ears. The strange girl turned to Fido.
"Yo, fuzzy dude?" she called. "That feathers-for-brains didn't getcha, did it?"
"Uh, no, you scared him off," replied Fido, scrambling down the mossy trunk and retrieving his Reader's Digest.
"Well, natch," replied the girl, inspecting her nails. "My singing's been known to disarm a dwarf at fifty paces, savvy? I'm Dill, by the by. Tomboy Dill, resident Warden of Edward-Wood." She said, offering a hand to Fido.
"Fido Friggins, at your service," said the bewildered Rabbit, "Listen; you haven't seen any other Rabbits around here have you? Small, furry, 'bout 3'5", very likely to be sitting on the ground with their eyes tightly shut and muttering 'there's no place like home'?" asked Fido.
"Oh, yeah, I think I saw something like that over that-a-way," she waved her arm vaguely behind her, "but I had to save the trees before anything else, man. Make leaves, not war, savvy?" she laughed.
Fido smiled nervously. The girl was clearly deranged. Oh well, he thought. At least she wasn't deranged and trying to kill him, unlike that robed creature.
"Yeah, I knew you'd be a dude if you're enemies with the Seagûl," she continued. "Jeez, I hate those punks. Give me a flamethrower and half an hour alone with them any day, savvy? And I'm meant to be a vegetarian! Shall we?" she indicated to Fido, motioning for him to accompany her into the woods, "Let's go get your homeys. Any enemy of the Seagûl is a boo of mine."
"The Seagûl? Is that what that thing was?"
"Yeah. Well, kinda. That was a Seagûl. You need nine of those freaks to get the Seagûl; cos there were these nine king dudes who Saurondemort ensnared with nine Ring-pulls, yonks ago. Back when he was trying to take over Middly-Squat Earth. Haven't seen any Seagûl since he was defeated. There's a song about the Seagûl, y'know:
A long, long time ago
(Or so the elves remember)
Saurondemort's Ring-pulls made us smile
But as soon as he got the chance
He beat up Middly-Squat Earth's residents
And they were unhappy for a while
So Saurondemort made us shiver
With every Ring-pull he'd deliver
Three on the elves doorstep
Seven dwarves couldn't take one more step
But nine kings must've cried
When to them Saurondemort lied
His Ring-pulls scorched them deep inside
The day the Seagûl died..."
"That's enough!" yelled Fido, tenderly rubbing his huge Rabbits ears, über-sensitive to Dill's banshee-like wailing.
"Ooh, soz, little dude. But what's a flat note between friends, eh?"
Fido opened his mouth to reply when he noticed six Rabbit feet protruding from under a rose bush.
"Lamb? Smelly? Pipsqueak? Is that you?" he asked. There was no reply. Grabbing three feet each, Dill and Fido hoisted the Rabbits from under the bush. All three had their paws over their eyes and were whimpering. Fido rolled his own eyes.
"Yo! Rabbit dude! You're safe now, savvy?" yelled Dill into Pipsqueaks earlobe. Still no answer.
A swift kick in the shins later (and somewhere else for Lamb, who'd remained stubbornly silent), and introductions were made all round.
"So, what're you dudes doin' out here, anyhoos?" asked Dill, "Rabbits usually stay in the Shy-er, thank Gawd. No offence, and all that." She added. Fido remained silent, as Gangwarf had said not to tell anyone of the Ring-pull. Lamb, who could always be replied upon (and was rather taken with Dill), blabbed immediately.
"We be a takin' this here magic Ring-pull to Chip'n'Dell or Saurondemort will be a takin' over Middly-Squat Earth." He rasped, looking at Dill (read: Dill's legs) with glassy eyes.
"Oookay, number one; in your dreams pal," said Dill, deflating Lamb's ego like the Hindenburg, "and number two; the Ring-pull? Like, the One Ring- pull?"
"'Fraid so," said Fido, "but it's meant to be a secret." He shot Lamb a withering look, but missed and inadvertently killed a silver birch several feet to the left.
"Chill, dude. I'm a good guy, natch. But you're aaages from Chip'n'Dell, and you're, like, going totally in the wrong direction. What you need," said Dill, a sudden light coming into her eyes, "is a guide. And who better than the Edward-Wood Ward herself?"
"But who'll look after Edward-Wood?" asked Pipsqueak, accidentally snagging his kilt on a low branch.
"Pfft. Who cares? I need an adventure. Plus, major score to settle with that Saurondemort creep, the filthy, cheatin', lyin' freakola. What did that stupid spider have that I didn't, anyways?" she said angrily to no- one in particular.
"Eight legs?" said Smelly quite innocently, but he received a well aimed jab in the eye from Dill.
The five adventurers made their way to the edge of Edward-Wood, and found themselves on a ridge overlooking the village of Brie, and the whole of the Cheeselands. In the distance they could see the lights of Camembert twinkling like so much glitter lip-gloss, and directly below them was the settlement of Stilton, and it's sister town Mature-Cheddar.
"Another couple of hours trudging, and we'll be in Brie, I think." Said Fido, surveying the Cheeselands before him.
Suddenly an all too familiar quacking and flapping noise issued from the woods behind them.
"Eeek!" cried everyone, "Seagûl!"
And there they were, four tall, menacing, black-robed birds advancing slowly on the party.
"What's the plan, Dill?" asked Pipsqueak, his voice trembling like an active volcano.
"Uh, RUN, y'idiots!" yelled Dill, and all five made like greased lightning for Brie, the terrifying Seagûl just behind them.
Before blind fear finally overcame Smelly at the gates of Brie, he vaguely remembered Dill turning and facing the Seagûl, and opening her mouth she issued a terrifying noise:
"Aaaaa.......... Pizza Hut, a Pizza Hut
Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut
McDonalds, McDonalds
Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut"
But soon the awful sound became too much for Smelly's delicate lobes and he fainted, right on cue for the next chapter.
Five days later our four fearless (using the word very loosely here) Rabbits had left Rabbiton and the Shy-er far behind and were plunging ahead like a trained Killer Whale at Seaworld into Chapter two.
They finally reached the outskirts of the Edward-Wood, much to the chagrin of Lamb, who seemed reluctant to enter the forest.
"But Mr Fido," he whined, giving Fido the special sidelong glance reserved just for him, "I don't be a thinkin' we should be a goin' into that there wood. Folks say it be a haunted, by queer forces they be a sayin'."
Fido, who could never understand a word of Lamb's thick accent (his ancestors were immigrants from Mordors-Less Windows, and the family Gangrene still had a D'orcish look about them), thought Lamb had said they should go through Edward Wood, and so proceeded into the copse.
They had not got far in, when Pipsqueak heard a strange noise in the forest behind them, not unlike the flapping of great wings. But of this the Rabbits took no notice, for Pipsqueak was always hearing noises, or voices, especially voices that encouraged him to burn things.
They carried on for a while, until Smelly was convinced that he had heard a quacking sound, and even Fido himself noticed some odd webbed footprints on the path now and then.
By this time feeling considerably spooked, the Rabbits suddenly heard behind them the sinister swishing of a long, black cloak. After hastily erecting (insert your own pun here) a makeshift hiding place from twigs, leaves, a copy of Reader's Digest and a craftily placed thumbtack, the Rabbits stood stock still (and that's pretty darn still, I'll have you know) and waited to see their pursuer.
Presently down the path came a towering cloaked figure, with no body parts on show, apart from two enormous webbed feet that stuck out from under the hem of the cloak, and a huge orange beak that poked through the hood. The strange being glanced about him for a while, and eventually made towards the Rabbit's shelter. Fido held his breath, but the monster only flicked through a few pages of Reader's Digest, and moved on.
The Rabbits breathed a sigh of relief, and discarded their shelter, just as the black-bird came back into the clearing with a pair of scissors to cut out the article it had been reading, an intriguing piece promising a guaranteed cash prize!
For a few seconds the black-bird surveyed the exposed Rabbits, like four donuts just spotted by Homer Simpson. Then the black-bird gave an almighty "quack" and the Rabbits were filled with dread, so instead of showing it their fake IDs and carrying on through the wood as if they weren't carrying an evil ring-pull, Smelly, Lamb and Pipsqueak simultaneously pointed at Fido and yelled "He's got it!" and promptly turned (fuzzy) tail and ran like headless chickens into the surrounding shrubbery.
Fido, meanwhile, had not been idle. While the black-bird was distracted by the other three Rabbits, Fido had quickly scaled a likely looking tree and armed himself with acorns to throw at the fiend.
The black-bird, unperturbed by this turn of events, pulled a chainsaw from the folds of his cloak and proceeded to brandish it in Fido's tree's direction.
The second the chainsaw touched the tree's bark, though, a gunshot resounded through the woods and the black-bird dropped the 'saw, presumably because a bullet-shaped hole had materialised in its wing.
A figure stepped from the trees into the clearing, wearing a rainbow striped jacket, a yellow basketball shirt, a black mini skirt and brand new Nike trainers. Her hair had rainbow streaks in it, and slung across her back was a bag with a rainbow strap. In her hand (with rainbow nails), was a (you've guessed it) rainbow coloured handgun. She opened her mouth and sang a little ditty to the tune of Pink Floyd's 'Another Brick in the Wall'.
"Hey! Seagûl! Leave my trees alone!"
This she repeated several times until the black-bird could take her off-key singing no longer and ran from the clearing with its wings clamped firmly over its ears. The strange girl turned to Fido.
"Yo, fuzzy dude?" she called. "That feathers-for-brains didn't getcha, did it?"
"Uh, no, you scared him off," replied Fido, scrambling down the mossy trunk and retrieving his Reader's Digest.
"Well, natch," replied the girl, inspecting her nails. "My singing's been known to disarm a dwarf at fifty paces, savvy? I'm Dill, by the by. Tomboy Dill, resident Warden of Edward-Wood." She said, offering a hand to Fido.
"Fido Friggins, at your service," said the bewildered Rabbit, "Listen; you haven't seen any other Rabbits around here have you? Small, furry, 'bout 3'5", very likely to be sitting on the ground with their eyes tightly shut and muttering 'there's no place like home'?" asked Fido.
"Oh, yeah, I think I saw something like that over that-a-way," she waved her arm vaguely behind her, "but I had to save the trees before anything else, man. Make leaves, not war, savvy?" she laughed.
Fido smiled nervously. The girl was clearly deranged. Oh well, he thought. At least she wasn't deranged and trying to kill him, unlike that robed creature.
"Yeah, I knew you'd be a dude if you're enemies with the Seagûl," she continued. "Jeez, I hate those punks. Give me a flamethrower and half an hour alone with them any day, savvy? And I'm meant to be a vegetarian! Shall we?" she indicated to Fido, motioning for him to accompany her into the woods, "Let's go get your homeys. Any enemy of the Seagûl is a boo of mine."
"The Seagûl? Is that what that thing was?"
"Yeah. Well, kinda. That was a Seagûl. You need nine of those freaks to get the Seagûl; cos there were these nine king dudes who Saurondemort ensnared with nine Ring-pulls, yonks ago. Back when he was trying to take over Middly-Squat Earth. Haven't seen any Seagûl since he was defeated. There's a song about the Seagûl, y'know:
A long, long time ago
(Or so the elves remember)
Saurondemort's Ring-pulls made us smile
But as soon as he got the chance
He beat up Middly-Squat Earth's residents
And they were unhappy for a while
So Saurondemort made us shiver
With every Ring-pull he'd deliver
Three on the elves doorstep
Seven dwarves couldn't take one more step
But nine kings must've cried
When to them Saurondemort lied
His Ring-pulls scorched them deep inside
The day the Seagûl died..."
"That's enough!" yelled Fido, tenderly rubbing his huge Rabbits ears, über-sensitive to Dill's banshee-like wailing.
"Ooh, soz, little dude. But what's a flat note between friends, eh?"
Fido opened his mouth to reply when he noticed six Rabbit feet protruding from under a rose bush.
"Lamb? Smelly? Pipsqueak? Is that you?" he asked. There was no reply. Grabbing three feet each, Dill and Fido hoisted the Rabbits from under the bush. All three had their paws over their eyes and were whimpering. Fido rolled his own eyes.
"Yo! Rabbit dude! You're safe now, savvy?" yelled Dill into Pipsqueaks earlobe. Still no answer.
A swift kick in the shins later (and somewhere else for Lamb, who'd remained stubbornly silent), and introductions were made all round.
"So, what're you dudes doin' out here, anyhoos?" asked Dill, "Rabbits usually stay in the Shy-er, thank Gawd. No offence, and all that." She added. Fido remained silent, as Gangwarf had said not to tell anyone of the Ring-pull. Lamb, who could always be replied upon (and was rather taken with Dill), blabbed immediately.
"We be a takin' this here magic Ring-pull to Chip'n'Dell or Saurondemort will be a takin' over Middly-Squat Earth." He rasped, looking at Dill (read: Dill's legs) with glassy eyes.
"Oookay, number one; in your dreams pal," said Dill, deflating Lamb's ego like the Hindenburg, "and number two; the Ring-pull? Like, the One Ring- pull?"
"'Fraid so," said Fido, "but it's meant to be a secret." He shot Lamb a withering look, but missed and inadvertently killed a silver birch several feet to the left.
"Chill, dude. I'm a good guy, natch. But you're aaages from Chip'n'Dell, and you're, like, going totally in the wrong direction. What you need," said Dill, a sudden light coming into her eyes, "is a guide. And who better than the Edward-Wood Ward herself?"
"But who'll look after Edward-Wood?" asked Pipsqueak, accidentally snagging his kilt on a low branch.
"Pfft. Who cares? I need an adventure. Plus, major score to settle with that Saurondemort creep, the filthy, cheatin', lyin' freakola. What did that stupid spider have that I didn't, anyways?" she said angrily to no- one in particular.
"Eight legs?" said Smelly quite innocently, but he received a well aimed jab in the eye from Dill.
The five adventurers made their way to the edge of Edward-Wood, and found themselves on a ridge overlooking the village of Brie, and the whole of the Cheeselands. In the distance they could see the lights of Camembert twinkling like so much glitter lip-gloss, and directly below them was the settlement of Stilton, and it's sister town Mature-Cheddar.
"Another couple of hours trudging, and we'll be in Brie, I think." Said Fido, surveying the Cheeselands before him.
Suddenly an all too familiar quacking and flapping noise issued from the woods behind them.
"Eeek!" cried everyone, "Seagûl!"
And there they were, four tall, menacing, black-robed birds advancing slowly on the party.
"What's the plan, Dill?" asked Pipsqueak, his voice trembling like an active volcano.
"Uh, RUN, y'idiots!" yelled Dill, and all five made like greased lightning for Brie, the terrifying Seagûl just behind them.
Before blind fear finally overcame Smelly at the gates of Brie, he vaguely remembered Dill turning and facing the Seagûl, and opening her mouth she issued a terrifying noise:
"Aaaaa.......... Pizza Hut, a Pizza Hut
Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut
McDonalds, McDonalds
Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut"
But soon the awful sound became too much for Smelly's delicate lobes and he fainted, right on cue for the next chapter.