Chapter Three
Brie- Come for the Inns, Stay for the Near Death Experiences
Dill awoke the unconscious Rabbits with a sharp pull on their ears, and soon all four stood shakily to their feet, still traumatised from the combined effect of the Fast-Food Song and Dill's awful singing. The Seagûl were no-where to be seen.
"Have they gone?" asked Fido nervously.
"For now," replied Dill, "but they'll be back. And you can bet your bottom shilling that when they are, they'll have figured out a way to beat the ear-drum shattering power of my singing. They're sneaky like that, savvy?"
"What shall we do?" wailed Smelly.
"We'll stick to the plan, and meet Gangwarf in Brie village centre. He'll be able to stop those brutes." Said Fido resolutely.
Dill snorted derisively.
"Because card tricks usually stop evil undead minions."
Fido ignored her and looked at the village that stood before them. Brie was the chief village of the Cheeselands, and one of the wonders of Middly-Squat Earth, as the entire village was constructed completely from dairy produce. Consequently, it attracted no vegan tourists.
It was inhabited by a race of men, short and heavyset, with sloping foreheads and monobrows, with manners that would make Genghis Khan look sweet and considerate in comparison, and the same mental capacity of your average Jacob's Cracker (after the fall of Middly-Squat Earth, most of this race relocated in Walsall, England).
Brie itself was the Vegas of Middly-Squat Earth, with countless cheese casinos, milk-wrestling joints and yoghurt speakeasies, a place where if you were brighter than the locals (and that's everything evolution- wise from amoebas upwards) you could be in con heaven. Therefore, Brie was a veritable second home for Gangwarf.
Fido assumed he would find the wizard in the finest eating establishment in all Brie, Gangwarf's favourite den of iniquity. It was there he astounded locals with his ten-a-penny card tricks, his old-pull- the-egg-from-the-ear trick, and his uncanny ability to make £10 notes disappear before their owner's very eyes.
"So where are we meeting with Gangwarf?" asked Pipsqueak, idly nibbling on cheese-houses as they walked through the narrow streets.
"Only the finest eating establishment in all of Brie," said Fido proudly, "McDonalds, in the common tongue."
"Well, that speaks volumes about the fine cuisine around here," observed Dill, "but a McDonalds made entirely from cheese? Mmm... cholesterol- y."
After ten minutes uphill struggle to the centre of Brie, they eventually came to the McDonalds restaurant. It looked the same as a regular McDonalds, even though it was made of cheese. Edam had been used to create an authentic tacky, plastic look on the 'M' sign.
They entered the restaurant and managed to find a five-seater table. Dill (and much to her annoyance, Lamb) sat down, while Smelly and Pipsqueak went to get a Happy Meal each (it was Harry Potter and the Magical Money Spinning Sell-Out of Azkaban toys this month), and Fido scanned the room for a large crowd demanding their money back, i.e. where Gangwarf was.
But the only people dining that evening were seven dwarves eyeing up a pale girl in the next booth, a couple of elves trying to drink the coffee (careful! It's really hot!), a few undead pirates, Elvis, and three disgruntled bears complaining about everything in sight: the seats, the porridge, you name it. In a very un-ominous shadowy corner sat a man who had escaped Fido's attention before, because he was dressed in a discreet skin tight blue Lycra catsuit, a long red Lycra cape, red Lycra boots and what appeared to be a pair of red Lycra underpants over his catsuit. On his chest was a yellow pentagon with the letter 'T' emblazoned on it. Fido turned to the greasy teen operating the cash register.
"Excuse me," Fido said, "but who's the Halloween reject in the corner?"
"I 'unno. D'you want fries with that, gramps?" the teen replied, in the cheery fashion of all McDonald's employees.
Fido declined, and slid into the booth alongside the Rabbits and Dill, dejectedly munching one of Pipsqueak's Chicken Nuggets.
"No Gangwarf, Mr Fido?" inquired Lamb.
"Another brilliant deduction, Sherlock." Dill commented.
"I hope he's alright." Said Fido worriedly, "I can't help thinking something's happened to him, what with the Seagûl roaming around out there..." he trailed off sadly.
"Aww, chill, Fidster," said Dill "I dunno what you're worrying about. In two thousand-ish years of knowing Gangwarf, not once has he ever shown any indication of punctuality. He'll turn up, y'know, in a day or so. Ok a month or so." She added, catching Fido's dirty look, which she cleaned and gave back to him.
"A month!" squeaked Pipsqueak, "Och aye, but we cannae wait a month captain, uh, Fido. The Seagûl will get us!"
"Well, duh..." began Dill, when she was cut short by a series of smoke signals, a hurried SOS, a couple of discreet coughs from behind them and a quick tap on Fido's shoulder.
Smelly pulled everyone into a huddle.
"Now it may just be me," he said, "but I think someone's trying to get our attention."
Fido was about to echo Dill's last remark when he was yanked from his chair and pulled behind the Happy Meal display case.
"We must talk, young Rabbit." Said a voice. On closer inspection, Fido found it belonged to the oddly clad fellow from the un-ominous shadowy corner.
"We must?" Fido replied, his voice rather higher than usual.
"Aye," answered the man, "Evil forces are hot-footing it after you as we speak. Gangwarf cannot help you." He said sinisterly.
"You mean the Seagûl? We did the whole meeting them thing back in Edward-Wood. No offence, bub, but who the heck are you?" asked Fido.
"In Brie, I am called Trotter, but it is not my true name." said Trotter.
"No kidding. No parent would be so cruel. Hey, what were you saying about Gangwarf?"
"He cannot help you." Repeated Trotter.
"Yes... you already said that." Said Fido slowly. Trotter looked blankly at him. "Care to expand on it?" said Fido exasperatedly.
"Oh right! No, nothing else about Gangwarf." Said Trotter, a blank look reappearing on his face. "Uh, apart from this letter from Gangwarf," he said, producing the manuscript from the folds of his shadowy cloak, "It's for a Mr Fido Friggins."
"That's me!" cried Fido. Thirty seconds passed. "Can I have my letter then?" asked the Rabbit.
"If you like." Said Trotter, smiling idiotically. Fido opened it, looking worriedly at the rather slow Trotter.
'Dear Fido,' it read
'If you're reading this, it means you're with Trotter. You have my full sympathy. But I was desperate you see. Sorry I can't be there in person, but I've had bad news. Our cover's been blown! Saurondemort knows you've got the Ring-pull (Dobby. Need I say more?), and will no doubt send his foul Seagûl after you, so keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled. I would return to help you, but I'm not going to. I am going to visit Sorryman in Ivanhoe, who can help, cos he's definitely not evil, I swear. If he is, I'll eat my hat. If it's urgent, I can be reached on 0800 CALL-IVANHOE. I suppose Trotter'll tag along with you, (he knows the way to Chip'n'Dell. He's been kicked out of there enough times so he should), so you'd better know his real name is Aragormless (by name, by nature, as you've probably guessed). I'll meet you in Chip'n'Dell (promise!)
Live long and prosper!
Gangwarf
PS if you've met up with Tomboy Dill, tell her I gave her back that £20.'
Fido folded the letter with an increasing sense of dread. It was a long and difficult journey to Chip'n'Dell, worsened without Gangwarf.
"Would you mind awfully," he said to Trotter, "If I asked you to lead me and my companions to Chip'n'Dell? I don't know the way."
Trotter's eyes lit up.
"Ahh, Chip'n'Dell, home to Kelly the elf." He sighed, and added more gruffly "Yes, my good Rabbit, I shall lead thee and thine companions forth to Chip'n'Dell, or my name isn't Strider!" he cried.
"It's not," said Fido, hastily looking at the script, "its Trotter."
"Oh. Well, that works too." Trotter smiled in his usual brainless way, and Fido led him back to the others.
"Oh my God!" said a horror struck Dill, choking on her veggie burger, "um, I mean, hi Aragormless! Long time no see!"
"Hullo Dill!" replied Trotter cheerily, as Dill dragged Fido away from the others, a huge fake smile plastered on her face.
"Why in the name of Austin Powers is that freakola here?" she said furiously to Fido once they were out of earshot.
"He knows about our quest! Gangwarf gave him a letter to give to me, and he said he's going to lead us to Chip'n'Dell." Replied the confused Rabbit.
At this Dill nearly passed out with shock. "Over my dead body is he leading us to Chip'n'Dell! This guy is a jinx, Fido! He'll lead the Seagûl to us! You might as well put a big neon sign over us, saying 'Yoo hoo! We've got the Ring-pull! Come and kill us!'"
"Don't be stupid, Dill..." began Fido, when he was cut off by a large cloaked bird creature trying to throttle him.
"Aw, crap." Said Dill, and she launched into a truly awful rendition of 'My Heart Will Go On'. But, to no avail, for the Seagûl had invested in some earmuffs and were now immune to her singing.
"Smelly! Pipsqueak! Lamb! Aragormless! Little help?" she cried, loading her handgun and taking aim at the Seagûl.
The other four came running over, and Aragormless drew his sword.
"Behold! For here in my hand is the ancient blade Excannibal, which I have killed many D'orcs with!" he cried, and proceeded to charge at the Seagûl, now accompanied by its eight companions. En route, he tripped over his sword belt and got his sword neatly wedged in the Happy Meal display case. The restaurant rang with the noise of Seagûl laughter, and Aragormless, embarrassed, started to cry.
While everyone else was distracted, Dill emptied a few rounds in the Seagûl's direction and led the Rabbits out of a window in the toilets, and ran through the backstreets of Brie, towards the wild lands that lay between there and Chip'n'Dell.
"What about Trotter? We can't be a leavin him." Gasped Lamb, panting as they stopped at a cheese fence on the borders of Brie.
Dill looked desperately at Fido.
"We should return for him," Decided Fido, "he knows the way to Chip'n'Dell."
"And he's got my Hermione toy!" added Smelly. "Oh, bloody hell!" said Dill, and she ran back towards Brie, leaving the Rabbits, and retuning five minutes later, dragging a still sobbing Trotter behind her.
"The Seagûl are still out cold." Said Dill, "we should try to get to Chip'n'Dell now."
"Nay, we should make for the spa of Whetherstop, where we can have a little R and R." said Trotter, regaining control of himself.
"Fine. Whatever. Listen to the bloody jinx for all I care," said Dill, and she mooched off to repaint her nails.
Fido looked at the rest of the Rabbits, who all nodded.
"Which way's Whetherstop?" they said as one, and Trotter grinned. Dill flicked nail varnish at the back of his head.
"Bloody jinx," she grumbled, and slouched after the others, as they made their way to the next chapter.
Dill awoke the unconscious Rabbits with a sharp pull on their ears, and soon all four stood shakily to their feet, still traumatised from the combined effect of the Fast-Food Song and Dill's awful singing. The Seagûl were no-where to be seen.
"Have they gone?" asked Fido nervously.
"For now," replied Dill, "but they'll be back. And you can bet your bottom shilling that when they are, they'll have figured out a way to beat the ear-drum shattering power of my singing. They're sneaky like that, savvy?"
"What shall we do?" wailed Smelly.
"We'll stick to the plan, and meet Gangwarf in Brie village centre. He'll be able to stop those brutes." Said Fido resolutely.
Dill snorted derisively.
"Because card tricks usually stop evil undead minions."
Fido ignored her and looked at the village that stood before them. Brie was the chief village of the Cheeselands, and one of the wonders of Middly-Squat Earth, as the entire village was constructed completely from dairy produce. Consequently, it attracted no vegan tourists.
It was inhabited by a race of men, short and heavyset, with sloping foreheads and monobrows, with manners that would make Genghis Khan look sweet and considerate in comparison, and the same mental capacity of your average Jacob's Cracker (after the fall of Middly-Squat Earth, most of this race relocated in Walsall, England).
Brie itself was the Vegas of Middly-Squat Earth, with countless cheese casinos, milk-wrestling joints and yoghurt speakeasies, a place where if you were brighter than the locals (and that's everything evolution- wise from amoebas upwards) you could be in con heaven. Therefore, Brie was a veritable second home for Gangwarf.
Fido assumed he would find the wizard in the finest eating establishment in all Brie, Gangwarf's favourite den of iniquity. It was there he astounded locals with his ten-a-penny card tricks, his old-pull- the-egg-from-the-ear trick, and his uncanny ability to make £10 notes disappear before their owner's very eyes.
"So where are we meeting with Gangwarf?" asked Pipsqueak, idly nibbling on cheese-houses as they walked through the narrow streets.
"Only the finest eating establishment in all of Brie," said Fido proudly, "McDonalds, in the common tongue."
"Well, that speaks volumes about the fine cuisine around here," observed Dill, "but a McDonalds made entirely from cheese? Mmm... cholesterol- y."
After ten minutes uphill struggle to the centre of Brie, they eventually came to the McDonalds restaurant. It looked the same as a regular McDonalds, even though it was made of cheese. Edam had been used to create an authentic tacky, plastic look on the 'M' sign.
They entered the restaurant and managed to find a five-seater table. Dill (and much to her annoyance, Lamb) sat down, while Smelly and Pipsqueak went to get a Happy Meal each (it was Harry Potter and the Magical Money Spinning Sell-Out of Azkaban toys this month), and Fido scanned the room for a large crowd demanding their money back, i.e. where Gangwarf was.
But the only people dining that evening were seven dwarves eyeing up a pale girl in the next booth, a couple of elves trying to drink the coffee (careful! It's really hot!), a few undead pirates, Elvis, and three disgruntled bears complaining about everything in sight: the seats, the porridge, you name it. In a very un-ominous shadowy corner sat a man who had escaped Fido's attention before, because he was dressed in a discreet skin tight blue Lycra catsuit, a long red Lycra cape, red Lycra boots and what appeared to be a pair of red Lycra underpants over his catsuit. On his chest was a yellow pentagon with the letter 'T' emblazoned on it. Fido turned to the greasy teen operating the cash register.
"Excuse me," Fido said, "but who's the Halloween reject in the corner?"
"I 'unno. D'you want fries with that, gramps?" the teen replied, in the cheery fashion of all McDonald's employees.
Fido declined, and slid into the booth alongside the Rabbits and Dill, dejectedly munching one of Pipsqueak's Chicken Nuggets.
"No Gangwarf, Mr Fido?" inquired Lamb.
"Another brilliant deduction, Sherlock." Dill commented.
"I hope he's alright." Said Fido worriedly, "I can't help thinking something's happened to him, what with the Seagûl roaming around out there..." he trailed off sadly.
"Aww, chill, Fidster," said Dill "I dunno what you're worrying about. In two thousand-ish years of knowing Gangwarf, not once has he ever shown any indication of punctuality. He'll turn up, y'know, in a day or so. Ok a month or so." She added, catching Fido's dirty look, which she cleaned and gave back to him.
"A month!" squeaked Pipsqueak, "Och aye, but we cannae wait a month captain, uh, Fido. The Seagûl will get us!"
"Well, duh..." began Dill, when she was cut short by a series of smoke signals, a hurried SOS, a couple of discreet coughs from behind them and a quick tap on Fido's shoulder.
Smelly pulled everyone into a huddle.
"Now it may just be me," he said, "but I think someone's trying to get our attention."
Fido was about to echo Dill's last remark when he was yanked from his chair and pulled behind the Happy Meal display case.
"We must talk, young Rabbit." Said a voice. On closer inspection, Fido found it belonged to the oddly clad fellow from the un-ominous shadowy corner.
"We must?" Fido replied, his voice rather higher than usual.
"Aye," answered the man, "Evil forces are hot-footing it after you as we speak. Gangwarf cannot help you." He said sinisterly.
"You mean the Seagûl? We did the whole meeting them thing back in Edward-Wood. No offence, bub, but who the heck are you?" asked Fido.
"In Brie, I am called Trotter, but it is not my true name." said Trotter.
"No kidding. No parent would be so cruel. Hey, what were you saying about Gangwarf?"
"He cannot help you." Repeated Trotter.
"Yes... you already said that." Said Fido slowly. Trotter looked blankly at him. "Care to expand on it?" said Fido exasperatedly.
"Oh right! No, nothing else about Gangwarf." Said Trotter, a blank look reappearing on his face. "Uh, apart from this letter from Gangwarf," he said, producing the manuscript from the folds of his shadowy cloak, "It's for a Mr Fido Friggins."
"That's me!" cried Fido. Thirty seconds passed. "Can I have my letter then?" asked the Rabbit.
"If you like." Said Trotter, smiling idiotically. Fido opened it, looking worriedly at the rather slow Trotter.
'Dear Fido,' it read
'If you're reading this, it means you're with Trotter. You have my full sympathy. But I was desperate you see. Sorry I can't be there in person, but I've had bad news. Our cover's been blown! Saurondemort knows you've got the Ring-pull (Dobby. Need I say more?), and will no doubt send his foul Seagûl after you, so keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled. I would return to help you, but I'm not going to. I am going to visit Sorryman in Ivanhoe, who can help, cos he's definitely not evil, I swear. If he is, I'll eat my hat. If it's urgent, I can be reached on 0800 CALL-IVANHOE. I suppose Trotter'll tag along with you, (he knows the way to Chip'n'Dell. He's been kicked out of there enough times so he should), so you'd better know his real name is Aragormless (by name, by nature, as you've probably guessed). I'll meet you in Chip'n'Dell (promise!)
Live long and prosper!
Gangwarf
PS if you've met up with Tomboy Dill, tell her I gave her back that £20.'
Fido folded the letter with an increasing sense of dread. It was a long and difficult journey to Chip'n'Dell, worsened without Gangwarf.
"Would you mind awfully," he said to Trotter, "If I asked you to lead me and my companions to Chip'n'Dell? I don't know the way."
Trotter's eyes lit up.
"Ahh, Chip'n'Dell, home to Kelly the elf." He sighed, and added more gruffly "Yes, my good Rabbit, I shall lead thee and thine companions forth to Chip'n'Dell, or my name isn't Strider!" he cried.
"It's not," said Fido, hastily looking at the script, "its Trotter."
"Oh. Well, that works too." Trotter smiled in his usual brainless way, and Fido led him back to the others.
"Oh my God!" said a horror struck Dill, choking on her veggie burger, "um, I mean, hi Aragormless! Long time no see!"
"Hullo Dill!" replied Trotter cheerily, as Dill dragged Fido away from the others, a huge fake smile plastered on her face.
"Why in the name of Austin Powers is that freakola here?" she said furiously to Fido once they were out of earshot.
"He knows about our quest! Gangwarf gave him a letter to give to me, and he said he's going to lead us to Chip'n'Dell." Replied the confused Rabbit.
At this Dill nearly passed out with shock. "Over my dead body is he leading us to Chip'n'Dell! This guy is a jinx, Fido! He'll lead the Seagûl to us! You might as well put a big neon sign over us, saying 'Yoo hoo! We've got the Ring-pull! Come and kill us!'"
"Don't be stupid, Dill..." began Fido, when he was cut off by a large cloaked bird creature trying to throttle him.
"Aw, crap." Said Dill, and she launched into a truly awful rendition of 'My Heart Will Go On'. But, to no avail, for the Seagûl had invested in some earmuffs and were now immune to her singing.
"Smelly! Pipsqueak! Lamb! Aragormless! Little help?" she cried, loading her handgun and taking aim at the Seagûl.
The other four came running over, and Aragormless drew his sword.
"Behold! For here in my hand is the ancient blade Excannibal, which I have killed many D'orcs with!" he cried, and proceeded to charge at the Seagûl, now accompanied by its eight companions. En route, he tripped over his sword belt and got his sword neatly wedged in the Happy Meal display case. The restaurant rang with the noise of Seagûl laughter, and Aragormless, embarrassed, started to cry.
While everyone else was distracted, Dill emptied a few rounds in the Seagûl's direction and led the Rabbits out of a window in the toilets, and ran through the backstreets of Brie, towards the wild lands that lay between there and Chip'n'Dell.
"What about Trotter? We can't be a leavin him." Gasped Lamb, panting as they stopped at a cheese fence on the borders of Brie.
Dill looked desperately at Fido.
"We should return for him," Decided Fido, "he knows the way to Chip'n'Dell."
"And he's got my Hermione toy!" added Smelly. "Oh, bloody hell!" said Dill, and she ran back towards Brie, leaving the Rabbits, and retuning five minutes later, dragging a still sobbing Trotter behind her.
"The Seagûl are still out cold." Said Dill, "we should try to get to Chip'n'Dell now."
"Nay, we should make for the spa of Whetherstop, where we can have a little R and R." said Trotter, regaining control of himself.
"Fine. Whatever. Listen to the bloody jinx for all I care," said Dill, and she mooched off to repaint her nails.
Fido looked at the rest of the Rabbits, who all nodded.
"Which way's Whetherstop?" they said as one, and Trotter grinned. Dill flicked nail varnish at the back of his head.
"Bloody jinx," she grumbled, and slouched after the others, as they made their way to the next chapter.