Chapter Four Again With the Seagûl
Four days later, the hill of Whetherstop lay before the party like a big lump of earth blocking their path. Probably because it was a big lump of earth in the shape of a hill. Fido looked disappointedly at it.
"I thought you said it was a spa!" he whined to Aragormless.
"Have faith, Rover. The legendary spa of Whetherstop lies at the top of yonder... big lump of earth. So onward we must climb!" replied the ranger heartily.
"It's Fido, you idiot." The Rabbit muttered. He was beginning to regret going with Trotter's plan. For the past four days the Rabbits had exhausted themselves following him through the wilderness, until Aragormless realised Whetherstop was usually only 10 minutes stroll from Brie, and had had to double back quickly (quickly meaning not really very quickly). The Rabbits by this time were very much looking forward to the massages and foot rubs renown throughout Middly-Squat Earth that they would receive at Whetherstop.
So, of course, they were a trifle disappointed when they reached the top of the hill.
Whetherstop's spa looked like it had been out of business for quite some time. The Rabbits came to this conclusion from the many holes in the walls, the general lack of roof, and the large sign on the door of the salon which read:
Whetherstop: Out of business since before Saurondemort had even heard
of Ring-pulls
Dill came over the top of the hill after the Rabbits.
"Would this be a bad time to say 'I told you so'?" She inquired. Deftly dodging the Rabbit knives thrown in her direction, she added "Yes, then. Want me to go and give Aragormless a new definition of pain and suffering?"
Encouraged by furious head nodding from the Rabbits, Dill loaded her handgun, but suddenly realised that Aragormless had made like a fork in a road that goes left, and left.
"Where be Trotter?" inquired Lamb.
"Good question. And I was really gonna kick his..." began Dill, when Trotter came bounding from behind a derelict Jacuzzi, waving several swords around his head. "Whoa, there, Trotter! I wasn't really gonna hurt you! It was the Rabbits! The Rabbits I tell ya!" said Dill, neatly sidestepping.
"Huh?" said Aragormless, "What you talking 'bout, Dillys? I've brought the Rabbits these perfect little Rabbit- sized swords. That I had on me already. Even though you couldn't see them, I did have them. Honestly!"
Everyone shrugged, and set up camp in a little storage unit on the side of the hill.
"I shall keep watch." vowed Aragormless, who was snoring his head off five minutes later. Dill muttered something about finding some more nail varnish, and disappeared back up the staircase to the top of the hill. Nestled between some mouldy old manicure sets and an out of date tub of exfoliating scrub, with Lamb, Pipsqueak and Smelly sleeping next to him, Fido yawned widely, and knowing he would probably regret it later, fell asleep.
Fido awoke suddenly, from an awful dream.
"What an awful dream! I dreamt that Lamb, Smelly and Pipsqueak were cooking over a large fire that would be clearly visible for miles around, and of course they'd never do anything that stupid."
"Hey, Mr Fido!" said Lamb, "We've been a ordering fast food on this here glow-in-the-dark mobile phone, that is clearly visible for miles around. We ordered you a pizza!"
"I'd thank you, Lamb, but the eerie quacking noises from below us are kinda drowning my voice out."
"Um, should we be running?" inquired Smelly.
"Let's do that." said Fido, already sprinting up the stairs two at a time.
"Dill! Trotter! Help!" cried the Rabbits upon reaching the main spa area, but the humans were nowhere to be seen.
Suddenly, a large wing knocked on the broken glass in the door of the spa.
"Who be it?" asked Lamb nervously.
"Pizza delivery Guy." came the reply.
"About time too!" cried Smelly, and he leapt forwards to open the door. With a triumphant cry a Seagûl sprang through the door, closely followed by four others.
"You don't look like Dominoes employees!" cried Smelly, aghast. "You're not from Pizza Hut, are you?"
"Give us the Ring-pull, little rat creatures!" cried the lead Seagûl, giving Smelly a sharp blow to the cranium, who fell to the floor, unconscious.
"Well, how rude! We haven't even seen our pizzas yet!" said an angry Pipsqueak, who was promptly knocked out by Seagûl number two.
"Looks like it's just us, Lamb. Give my regards to Broadway!" cried Fido, melodramatic to the last.
"Mr Fido, I may never be a gettin another chance to be a sayin this, so here goes: I love..." But Lamb was also knocked out before he could finish that particular sentence. Phew.
Fido looked up at the five Seagûl bearing down on him, and had the strangest desire to put the Ring-pull on. Which, being a stupid Rabbit, he did without hesitation. Suddenly the world went all fuzzy, and the Seagûl were revealed to him in their true forms.
"You weren't great kings of men! You're all Labour politicians! Nooooooo!" Fido cried in terror.
"Well, I don't really think that's the issue here. But after you give us the Ring-pull, we will stamp down hard on crime, improve the NHS, and never, ever go to war again. Ever." Replied the lead Seagûl, using many hand gestures to further traumatise Fido.
"No! I'll never give in! You can have the Ring-pull over my dead body!"
"Well, that was the general idea." said the Seagûl, who drew a pointy looking sword and stabbed Fido.
"Ow! That really hurts!" he cried, pulling off the Ring-pull.
"Yeah, it'll do that." said a familiar voice. Fido looked up to see Dill, and a nervous looking Trotter, waving lighters at the Seagûl.
"Nooo! Fire bad! Run away! Run away!" cried the Seagûl, who ran away.
"Yeah! And stay out!" called Aragormless after them.
The other Rabbits regained consciousness, and rushed over to Fido.
"Are you alright, Mr Fido?" asked a distraught Lamb.
".......dying......." croaked Fido.
"Now can we go to Chip'n'Dell?" said Dill.
"Aye, for young Rex seems to be in some sort of pain." said Trotter.
"....it's....Fido....you....idiot....."
Soon the six companions were packed and running down the hill towards Chip'n'Dell. Some five minutes later a motorcycle drew up to the hill of Whetherstop, and a figure dismounted, carrying four large boxes.
"Hey, Rabbit guys? You're pizzas are, like, going cold. Um, where is everyone?"
Scurrying like six expert scurriers in a national scurrying contest, the Rabbits, Dill and Trotter, tore through the wilderness.
Fido was rapidly deteriorating, for the black magic of the Seagûl was spreading through his body from the sword wound. Little rose-shaped marks appeared all over his body, and he would say odd things like 'education, education, education', and 'We will stand by the US' at intervals.
"What's wrong with him?" asked Pipsqueak fearfully.
"He's turning into a Seagûl." Said Dill grimly "If we don't get him to Chip'n'Dell in time, he'll eventually become a politician like them, with a seat in..." She shuddered "....Ashby de la Zouch."
Finally, after two hours of stumbling through the undergrowth, Fido keeled over. Lamb burst into tears, and Smelly and Pipsqueak held a 20 second silence for their fallen comrade, before going through his pockets and stealing his wallet, everyone ignoring Fido's cries of 'I'm not dead yet!'
"This is an evil day!" cried Aragormless despairingly. "Alas for poor... whatever his name was." Dill rolled her eyes.
"Maybe we should stop sitting down and crying over Fido's demise, and try to get to Chip'n'Dell before he really does kick it?" She said, her voice laced with sarcasm.
Everyone looked at her as if she'd gone mad. Rolling her eyes so much they nearly got stuck permanently looking upwards, Dill decided to let them get on with it, and fished a mobile phone out of her bag and made a call.
"Hi, Glorfindel, Dill here...... Tomboy Dill...... Edward-Wood Tomboy Dill? We went out with each other back in the Second Age...... Yes, that Tomboy Dill. Look, no time for small talk, I've got the One Ring-pull here, all nine Seagûl on my tail and a very dead looking Rabbit, so if you could send a horse or whatever I'd be so grateful.... Yeah, I'm just outside Chip'n'Dell....... What? No, I will not go out with you again.... Oh, yeah, resort to petty insults. That's so like you." And with that she hung up, muttering something about her hair being just as shiny as an elf's.
An hour or so later the noise of hooves could be heard in forest around them, and an elf on a horse came into view.
"Hey Glorfindel," said Dill resignedly. "Long time no....huh?" began Dill, when suddenly the elf was lassoed from his horse and pulled into the woods, and the sounds of a scuffle could be heard.
Another elf then stepped into view, out of the trees, clad in a slightly ripped fluorescent pink dress, a crooked tiara, more eyeliner you could shake a stick at and a sash saying: 'Chip'n'Dell Punk Rock Queen for 2000 consecutive years.' In her hand she held a bouquet of flowers that looked like it had recently been used to pacify one of Tomboy Dill's (numerous) ex- boyfriends.
"Now who's fat?" the female elf yelled victoriously to the other elf, now lying (presumably) unconscious in the woods. Suddenly she noticed everyone looking at her.
"Hi!" she said in a drawling voice "Um, like, welcome to Chip'n'Dell, Middly-Squat Earth's best (and only) retirement home for ageing rockers!" she paused, squinting at Dill. "Oh, my god, is that Tomboy Dill? Who'd have thought you'd show up around here, after last time?" the elf said vindictively.
"Yeah, how's you dad now, anyway? Still pining for me?" Dill shot back, equally nastily. Little daggers appeared in the air between the two girls. And not a few spears, arrows and nuclear missiles, for that matter. Suddenly Trotter cried out
"My love! Fair Kelly of Chip'n'Dell! You have come to meet me from my long and arduous journey!" he leapt forwards, arms wide open. Kelly the elf looked horror stricken. A few of her neon pink hairs actually turned white from the shock. After a few moments, she regained the ability to speak.
"What in the name of MTV are you doing here? I thought that the restraining order stopped you coming in, like, a 100 mile radius of me!" she said furiously.
"True love cannot be restrained, fair Kelly!"
Dill stepped forwards. "This is all well and good, but we really need to get Fido into Chip'n'Dell. He's getting worse."
Everyone looked at the Rabbit, who had now broken into a rousing chorus of 'Things Can Only Get Better'.
"No way am I letting him in Chip'n'Dell." Said Kelly, fixing Aragormless a look so cold it would've frozen a Balrog.
"But Gangwarf invited me!" said Trotter, indignant for the first time.
"Oh!" said Kelly, a look of comprehension dawning on her face. "So that's why the drains kept getting clogged with hair. And that, like, explains the weird smell."
Suddenly a distant 'quack' pierced the air. Everyone froze. "Is that, like, the Seagûl? Oh, my god. When did they make a come back? I know they did that Christmas special last year, but I thought that was a one off." said Kelly. "You guys better, like, come back with me. Yeah, you too." She said to Trotter. "But no touching, looking, or general breathing in my direction." She said icily.
"The funny thing is," Dill muttered to the Rabbits as she picked up Fido, "that's the nicest thing Kelly's ever said to him."
They all followed Kelly through the woods towards the river which separated Chip'n'Dell from the outside world (no-one's really sure who benefits more from this; Chip'n'Dell residents or the outside world), the quacking noises getting gradually louder and closer.
They reached the river. It was wide, deep, piranha infested and surrounded with barbed wire fencing. A large sign hung from a gate reading:
Warning, Elves Ahead. Beware of pretentious speeches. Please shield your
eyes due to excessively shiny hair. Have a nice day!
Kelly fumbled with the lock on the gate, and went through, crossing a rickety bridge (and ignoring the empty threats from the troll squatters who lived underneath it) and onto the pixie-dust laden shores of Chip'n'Dell. Trotter followed her like a very greasy puppy dog, with Smelly, Pipsqueak and Lamb close behind, and Dill bringing up the rear carrying Fido.
Dill turned around to lock the gate behind her, when a large feathery wing snatched Fido from where he was currently tucked under her arm.
"Yoink!" said a sinister voice. It was a Seagûl (it wasn't going to be Mickey Mouse, now, was it?), surrounded by its eight companions, all looking as menacing and evil as only politicians can.
"This is getting annoying" sighed Dill, and she grasped at Fido's foot, and pulled him back.
This may have gone on for some time, if Glorfindel hadn't stumbled out of the woods at that very moment, armed with a bucket of water to throw at Kelly and her perfect eye make-up. A small rock, by a strange series of coincidences, happened to be five centimetres to the right of where it usually lay, and was now in the centre of the path. Unfortunately, this is exactly the spot Glorfindel had chosen to reconnect one of his feet with the earth's surface.
"Aggghrrr!" said Glorfindel
"Splash!" said the water, no-longer in the bucket, as it collided with the Seagûl who was trying to wrench Fido and the Ring-pull from Dill. The ground now being wet, plus the Seagûl's feet being webbed and friction- less, inevitably added up to nine Seagûl sliding past Dill and plummeting into a piranha infested river, and being swept away in a tide of piranhas and, obviously, water.
But being pulled from Dill's grasp by a Seagûl was the last straw for Fido. With a last feeble cry of "Education!" he fell to the ground, his ragged breathing sounding like Darth Vader on Valium.
"Mr Fido!" yelled Lamb, and he rushed forwards, knocking Dill out of the way. But Fido was no longer breathing. Distraught, the six companions and Kelly hauled Fido up the path to Chip'n'Dell, and towards the pretty bleak- looking next chapter. What with Fido being dead and all*.
*Not really. Wouldn't be much of a book if he was!
Four days later, the hill of Whetherstop lay before the party like a big lump of earth blocking their path. Probably because it was a big lump of earth in the shape of a hill. Fido looked disappointedly at it.
"I thought you said it was a spa!" he whined to Aragormless.
"Have faith, Rover. The legendary spa of Whetherstop lies at the top of yonder... big lump of earth. So onward we must climb!" replied the ranger heartily.
"It's Fido, you idiot." The Rabbit muttered. He was beginning to regret going with Trotter's plan. For the past four days the Rabbits had exhausted themselves following him through the wilderness, until Aragormless realised Whetherstop was usually only 10 minutes stroll from Brie, and had had to double back quickly (quickly meaning not really very quickly). The Rabbits by this time were very much looking forward to the massages and foot rubs renown throughout Middly-Squat Earth that they would receive at Whetherstop.
So, of course, they were a trifle disappointed when they reached the top of the hill.
Whetherstop's spa looked like it had been out of business for quite some time. The Rabbits came to this conclusion from the many holes in the walls, the general lack of roof, and the large sign on the door of the salon which read:
Whetherstop: Out of business since before Saurondemort had even heard
of Ring-pulls
Dill came over the top of the hill after the Rabbits.
"Would this be a bad time to say 'I told you so'?" She inquired. Deftly dodging the Rabbit knives thrown in her direction, she added "Yes, then. Want me to go and give Aragormless a new definition of pain and suffering?"
Encouraged by furious head nodding from the Rabbits, Dill loaded her handgun, but suddenly realised that Aragormless had made like a fork in a road that goes left, and left.
"Where be Trotter?" inquired Lamb.
"Good question. And I was really gonna kick his..." began Dill, when Trotter came bounding from behind a derelict Jacuzzi, waving several swords around his head. "Whoa, there, Trotter! I wasn't really gonna hurt you! It was the Rabbits! The Rabbits I tell ya!" said Dill, neatly sidestepping.
"Huh?" said Aragormless, "What you talking 'bout, Dillys? I've brought the Rabbits these perfect little Rabbit- sized swords. That I had on me already. Even though you couldn't see them, I did have them. Honestly!"
Everyone shrugged, and set up camp in a little storage unit on the side of the hill.
"I shall keep watch." vowed Aragormless, who was snoring his head off five minutes later. Dill muttered something about finding some more nail varnish, and disappeared back up the staircase to the top of the hill. Nestled between some mouldy old manicure sets and an out of date tub of exfoliating scrub, with Lamb, Pipsqueak and Smelly sleeping next to him, Fido yawned widely, and knowing he would probably regret it later, fell asleep.
Fido awoke suddenly, from an awful dream.
"What an awful dream! I dreamt that Lamb, Smelly and Pipsqueak were cooking over a large fire that would be clearly visible for miles around, and of course they'd never do anything that stupid."
"Hey, Mr Fido!" said Lamb, "We've been a ordering fast food on this here glow-in-the-dark mobile phone, that is clearly visible for miles around. We ordered you a pizza!"
"I'd thank you, Lamb, but the eerie quacking noises from below us are kinda drowning my voice out."
"Um, should we be running?" inquired Smelly.
"Let's do that." said Fido, already sprinting up the stairs two at a time.
"Dill! Trotter! Help!" cried the Rabbits upon reaching the main spa area, but the humans were nowhere to be seen.
Suddenly, a large wing knocked on the broken glass in the door of the spa.
"Who be it?" asked Lamb nervously.
"Pizza delivery Guy." came the reply.
"About time too!" cried Smelly, and he leapt forwards to open the door. With a triumphant cry a Seagûl sprang through the door, closely followed by four others.
"You don't look like Dominoes employees!" cried Smelly, aghast. "You're not from Pizza Hut, are you?"
"Give us the Ring-pull, little rat creatures!" cried the lead Seagûl, giving Smelly a sharp blow to the cranium, who fell to the floor, unconscious.
"Well, how rude! We haven't even seen our pizzas yet!" said an angry Pipsqueak, who was promptly knocked out by Seagûl number two.
"Looks like it's just us, Lamb. Give my regards to Broadway!" cried Fido, melodramatic to the last.
"Mr Fido, I may never be a gettin another chance to be a sayin this, so here goes: I love..." But Lamb was also knocked out before he could finish that particular sentence. Phew.
Fido looked up at the five Seagûl bearing down on him, and had the strangest desire to put the Ring-pull on. Which, being a stupid Rabbit, he did without hesitation. Suddenly the world went all fuzzy, and the Seagûl were revealed to him in their true forms.
"You weren't great kings of men! You're all Labour politicians! Nooooooo!" Fido cried in terror.
"Well, I don't really think that's the issue here. But after you give us the Ring-pull, we will stamp down hard on crime, improve the NHS, and never, ever go to war again. Ever." Replied the lead Seagûl, using many hand gestures to further traumatise Fido.
"No! I'll never give in! You can have the Ring-pull over my dead body!"
"Well, that was the general idea." said the Seagûl, who drew a pointy looking sword and stabbed Fido.
"Ow! That really hurts!" he cried, pulling off the Ring-pull.
"Yeah, it'll do that." said a familiar voice. Fido looked up to see Dill, and a nervous looking Trotter, waving lighters at the Seagûl.
"Nooo! Fire bad! Run away! Run away!" cried the Seagûl, who ran away.
"Yeah! And stay out!" called Aragormless after them.
The other Rabbits regained consciousness, and rushed over to Fido.
"Are you alright, Mr Fido?" asked a distraught Lamb.
".......dying......." croaked Fido.
"Now can we go to Chip'n'Dell?" said Dill.
"Aye, for young Rex seems to be in some sort of pain." said Trotter.
"....it's....Fido....you....idiot....."
Soon the six companions were packed and running down the hill towards Chip'n'Dell. Some five minutes later a motorcycle drew up to the hill of Whetherstop, and a figure dismounted, carrying four large boxes.
"Hey, Rabbit guys? You're pizzas are, like, going cold. Um, where is everyone?"
Scurrying like six expert scurriers in a national scurrying contest, the Rabbits, Dill and Trotter, tore through the wilderness.
Fido was rapidly deteriorating, for the black magic of the Seagûl was spreading through his body from the sword wound. Little rose-shaped marks appeared all over his body, and he would say odd things like 'education, education, education', and 'We will stand by the US' at intervals.
"What's wrong with him?" asked Pipsqueak fearfully.
"He's turning into a Seagûl." Said Dill grimly "If we don't get him to Chip'n'Dell in time, he'll eventually become a politician like them, with a seat in..." She shuddered "....Ashby de la Zouch."
Finally, after two hours of stumbling through the undergrowth, Fido keeled over. Lamb burst into tears, and Smelly and Pipsqueak held a 20 second silence for their fallen comrade, before going through his pockets and stealing his wallet, everyone ignoring Fido's cries of 'I'm not dead yet!'
"This is an evil day!" cried Aragormless despairingly. "Alas for poor... whatever his name was." Dill rolled her eyes.
"Maybe we should stop sitting down and crying over Fido's demise, and try to get to Chip'n'Dell before he really does kick it?" She said, her voice laced with sarcasm.
Everyone looked at her as if she'd gone mad. Rolling her eyes so much they nearly got stuck permanently looking upwards, Dill decided to let them get on with it, and fished a mobile phone out of her bag and made a call.
"Hi, Glorfindel, Dill here...... Tomboy Dill...... Edward-Wood Tomboy Dill? We went out with each other back in the Second Age...... Yes, that Tomboy Dill. Look, no time for small talk, I've got the One Ring-pull here, all nine Seagûl on my tail and a very dead looking Rabbit, so if you could send a horse or whatever I'd be so grateful.... Yeah, I'm just outside Chip'n'Dell....... What? No, I will not go out with you again.... Oh, yeah, resort to petty insults. That's so like you." And with that she hung up, muttering something about her hair being just as shiny as an elf's.
An hour or so later the noise of hooves could be heard in forest around them, and an elf on a horse came into view.
"Hey Glorfindel," said Dill resignedly. "Long time no....huh?" began Dill, when suddenly the elf was lassoed from his horse and pulled into the woods, and the sounds of a scuffle could be heard.
Another elf then stepped into view, out of the trees, clad in a slightly ripped fluorescent pink dress, a crooked tiara, more eyeliner you could shake a stick at and a sash saying: 'Chip'n'Dell Punk Rock Queen for 2000 consecutive years.' In her hand she held a bouquet of flowers that looked like it had recently been used to pacify one of Tomboy Dill's (numerous) ex- boyfriends.
"Now who's fat?" the female elf yelled victoriously to the other elf, now lying (presumably) unconscious in the woods. Suddenly she noticed everyone looking at her.
"Hi!" she said in a drawling voice "Um, like, welcome to Chip'n'Dell, Middly-Squat Earth's best (and only) retirement home for ageing rockers!" she paused, squinting at Dill. "Oh, my god, is that Tomboy Dill? Who'd have thought you'd show up around here, after last time?" the elf said vindictively.
"Yeah, how's you dad now, anyway? Still pining for me?" Dill shot back, equally nastily. Little daggers appeared in the air between the two girls. And not a few spears, arrows and nuclear missiles, for that matter. Suddenly Trotter cried out
"My love! Fair Kelly of Chip'n'Dell! You have come to meet me from my long and arduous journey!" he leapt forwards, arms wide open. Kelly the elf looked horror stricken. A few of her neon pink hairs actually turned white from the shock. After a few moments, she regained the ability to speak.
"What in the name of MTV are you doing here? I thought that the restraining order stopped you coming in, like, a 100 mile radius of me!" she said furiously.
"True love cannot be restrained, fair Kelly!"
Dill stepped forwards. "This is all well and good, but we really need to get Fido into Chip'n'Dell. He's getting worse."
Everyone looked at the Rabbit, who had now broken into a rousing chorus of 'Things Can Only Get Better'.
"No way am I letting him in Chip'n'Dell." Said Kelly, fixing Aragormless a look so cold it would've frozen a Balrog.
"But Gangwarf invited me!" said Trotter, indignant for the first time.
"Oh!" said Kelly, a look of comprehension dawning on her face. "So that's why the drains kept getting clogged with hair. And that, like, explains the weird smell."
Suddenly a distant 'quack' pierced the air. Everyone froze. "Is that, like, the Seagûl? Oh, my god. When did they make a come back? I know they did that Christmas special last year, but I thought that was a one off." said Kelly. "You guys better, like, come back with me. Yeah, you too." She said to Trotter. "But no touching, looking, or general breathing in my direction." She said icily.
"The funny thing is," Dill muttered to the Rabbits as she picked up Fido, "that's the nicest thing Kelly's ever said to him."
They all followed Kelly through the woods towards the river which separated Chip'n'Dell from the outside world (no-one's really sure who benefits more from this; Chip'n'Dell residents or the outside world), the quacking noises getting gradually louder and closer.
They reached the river. It was wide, deep, piranha infested and surrounded with barbed wire fencing. A large sign hung from a gate reading:
Warning, Elves Ahead. Beware of pretentious speeches. Please shield your
eyes due to excessively shiny hair. Have a nice day!
Kelly fumbled with the lock on the gate, and went through, crossing a rickety bridge (and ignoring the empty threats from the troll squatters who lived underneath it) and onto the pixie-dust laden shores of Chip'n'Dell. Trotter followed her like a very greasy puppy dog, with Smelly, Pipsqueak and Lamb close behind, and Dill bringing up the rear carrying Fido.
Dill turned around to lock the gate behind her, when a large feathery wing snatched Fido from where he was currently tucked under her arm.
"Yoink!" said a sinister voice. It was a Seagûl (it wasn't going to be Mickey Mouse, now, was it?), surrounded by its eight companions, all looking as menacing and evil as only politicians can.
"This is getting annoying" sighed Dill, and she grasped at Fido's foot, and pulled him back.
This may have gone on for some time, if Glorfindel hadn't stumbled out of the woods at that very moment, armed with a bucket of water to throw at Kelly and her perfect eye make-up. A small rock, by a strange series of coincidences, happened to be five centimetres to the right of where it usually lay, and was now in the centre of the path. Unfortunately, this is exactly the spot Glorfindel had chosen to reconnect one of his feet with the earth's surface.
"Aggghrrr!" said Glorfindel
"Splash!" said the water, no-longer in the bucket, as it collided with the Seagûl who was trying to wrench Fido and the Ring-pull from Dill. The ground now being wet, plus the Seagûl's feet being webbed and friction- less, inevitably added up to nine Seagûl sliding past Dill and plummeting into a piranha infested river, and being swept away in a tide of piranhas and, obviously, water.
But being pulled from Dill's grasp by a Seagûl was the last straw for Fido. With a last feeble cry of "Education!" he fell to the ground, his ragged breathing sounding like Darth Vader on Valium.
"Mr Fido!" yelled Lamb, and he rushed forwards, knocking Dill out of the way. But Fido was no longer breathing. Distraught, the six companions and Kelly hauled Fido up the path to Chip'n'Dell, and towards the pretty bleak- looking next chapter. What with Fido being dead and all*.
*Not really. Wouldn't be much of a book if he was!