A Funny Frontier Tale
By Super Karoru
Chapter 11: Return of the Evil Dub Selves
Now onward to our tale!
--
We open to the "happy" little island of Isle Delfino. You should know what it looks like by now. Anywho, let's see how our victims… I mean, the CCs are fairing in their trapped Digimon forms, shall we?
--
We go a little way down the beach next to the pool.
"Ahhh, just relaxing on the beach..." said the healed Blitzmon, who was lying in a lounge chair. The chair suddenly starting creaking.
CRASH!
"Damn it! That's the fifteenth one today! Don't they make any beach chairs for giant metal beetles?"
--
In the town square, near the giant statue of some weirdo, we see Wolfmon sitting against the statue and trying to perfect his Licht Seiger twirl move.
"Let's see, it looks so easy on TV with the special effects and all," he pondered. "Okay, first I have to be standing." He stood up with both light thingers in hand. "Then I start out with the thingers together and twirling in front of me..." He started twirling the attached thingers. "And then I pull them them apart and semi-twirl them..." So, he de-attached the light thingers and semi-twirled them in mid-air. "Okay, next, bringing the light part together to cause a big light-ball-thingy..."
He brought the sabers together, causing a ball of light to shoot out towards you and...
"I did it!"
... shoot right into a palm tree and setting it on fire.
"That tree's on fire!" yelled Isle Delfinoin #67.
The palm tree exploded in blue flames and crashed to the ground.
"Help! I'm trapped under the flaming tree!" shrieked Isle Delfinoin #31.
"Who set that palm tree on fire?!" demanded Isle Delfinoin #85.
Wolfmon hid the light sabers behind his back and tip-toed away, whistling innocently.
--
Agnimon and Fairymon were taking a walk.
"Hey, Izumi?" asked Agnimon.
"Yeah?"
"I've been meaning to ask you something."
"Yes?"
"How can see when you're Fairymon with that metal-thing over your eyes?" he asked while pointing to it.
"I have no idea. I'm blind!" she yelled as she ran into a wall.
"Uh, never mind, then."
--
Let's just say Chakmon is in a random freezer chillin'. Ah heh heh… bad joke.
--
We return to the spa and still find Bokomon and Neemon. Only this time, they're getting back massages.
"We should come to Isle Delfino more often!" proclaimed Bokomon.
"Yeah! I love this place!" agreed Neemon.
--
"I HATE THIS PLACE!"
We see Grottomon, Ranamon, Mercuremon, and Arbormon battered and bruised in a secluded patch of dark trees on the other side of the island.
"You've been saying that for the past fifteen minutes, Grottomon. We know! SO SHUT YOUR TRAP!" screeched Ranamon.
"Sorry," replied Grottomon.
Mercuremon pulled a cleaning cloth out of nowhere and started polishing his arm mirrors while asking, "What is our next plan of attack to steal those children's spirits?"
"Yeah, what?" asked Arbormon.
"Me know evil plan to get little Spirit kids this time!" said another voice from behind them that sounded like a Russian with bad grammar.
"Huh? Who said that?" asked Grottomon.
"Sugah, what makes ya think this plan's gonna be bettah?" said another voice, but it was in a Southern Belle accent.
"... Sugah?" asked Ranamon.
"Thou best think of hath plan fast," said a Shakespearean-type voice.
"... Interesting," said Mercuremon.
"Yo! Yo! Yo! Now we'll see sum action out here, huh?" said voice sounding like a bad mafia impersonator.
Arbormon blinked in confusion.
Grottomon, Ranamon, Mercuremon, and Abormon turned around to come face-to-face with none other than…
--
"Huh? Izumi, do you hear that?" asked Agnimon.
"Um, no. What?"
"You know, mindless fill-in chatter when there's supposed to be silence."
They both got looks on their faces of pure horror.
"Oh... crap," they said in unison.
--
Meanwhile, near the top of the mountain area on the island. A dark plothole had just closed but shadowed the five figures in its dark light.
"Did they really think that they could get rid of us that easily? Ha-ha-ha! I think not!"
Maniacal laughter in bad voices could be heard echoing across the island.
--
"Huh? What the... ?" Blitzmon asked himself as he set up his twenty-third beach chair. "It sounds like... like..."
--
"... Jungle music?" questioned Wolfmon, raising an eyebrow.
--
"Lines are being butchered!" screamed Chakmon.
--
"Bad editing! We sense bad editing!" yelled Agnimon and Fairymon as they ran toward the source of the EVIL.
--
Meanwhile, in the local spa.
"I need a foot rub," said Bokomon.
"But I want to get in the jacuzzi!" said Neemon.
--
Our heroes continued running and met together in the town square.
"Do you guys sense it?" Agnimon asked the group.
"Yes! It can only be--!"
The evil laughter echoed louder across the land, and the sky grew dark as lightning struck all around.
"It's... it's... IT'S--!" they choked.
The return of the evil dub selves!
"NOOOOOOOO!"
"Yes! We have returned!" proclaimed Agunimon as he and his cohorts descended from the... place. More lightning! Crash! Bam! Dramatic music!
"HA HA HA ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA!" they all cackled.
"So we meet again!" yelled Agnimon, clenching his fists.
"Yes, we meet... again! HA ha ha ha HA HA HA ha HA!" Agunimon strangely laughed.
"Evil! EEEEEVIL!" chanted Fairymon, Wolfmon, Blitzmon, and Chakmon.
"HA HA HA HA HA! You will fall to our evil wrath!" shouted Kazemon, Lobomon, Beetlemon, and Kumamon.
The DigiDestined have returned for a rematch against the Chosen Children! There's only one thing to do!
"And what's that?"
Celebrity deathmatch time!
"Eh?"
The ground began shaking beneath them and turned into a gigantic arena. There was a huge boxing ring in the middle surrounded by stadium seats. Look, it came already with the crowd! And they're just as violent as I am!
"TEAR THEM APART!!" screamed a spectator as she foamed at the mouth.
"RIP HIS EYES OUT AND EAT HIS CHILDREN."
"RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE."
"Eep," commented the DigiDestined.
An announcer box appeared out of nowhere and two announcers popped up, named Joe and Steve.
"And welcome to today's assortment of Celebrity Deathmatch - Digimon Frontier version!" Announcer Joe said, while grinning.
"It should be a great match today! We've got the Chosen Children (originals) and the DigiDestined (dub) pitted against each other in a brawl of death. This should be great!" Announcer Steve stated.
"Yay! Go original! Go original!"
A green and black lettered logo pops on the screen.
Announcer Steve cleared his throat, "Today's match was brought to you by Karoru Corporations™. Patent pending." He began to sing. "Karoru Corporations™! For all your insanity supplying needs!"
"Now let's get this match started!" Announcer Joe... announced.
"Horraaaaay!" the crowd cheered.
--
Round One: Agnimon vs. Agunimon
Both Frontier parties now had their own dugouts on opposite sides of the ring. Agnimon and Agunimon both met in the ring. Toad stepped out in between them, wearing a referee uniform.
"You two know the rules, right?" Toad asked them.
"Yeah! Battle to the death!" they both shouted while glaring at each other.
"Close enough. Three, two, one... begin!"
Koopa Troopa rang the bell from the side, while Toad took cover a good distance away from the ring. The battle began!
Agnimon pointed at Agunimon and shouted, "You're going down! I'm gonna Digicode Scan your ass off!"
"Not if I Fractal Code Digitize your ass off first!" shouted Agunimon. "Pyro Tornado!"
"Not another pyro name! Burning Salamander!"
The two attacks clashed in the center of the ring. The crowd is in a frenzy!
"Yay," the crowd droned.
I SAID FRENZY, DAMN IT!
"YAY! WOOHOO! Kick ass, Agnimon!"
Very good. Oh noes, Agunimon was going to attack again!
"Pyro Darts! Huh!"
"The name itself is weakening!"
The attack hit Agnimon straight on and blasted him back against the ring.
"Gasp!" gasped a spectator.
"No! It can't end like this!"
"Hurry, Agnimon! Give him the chair!" shouted a random hobo.
"The... chair?"
Agunimon was coming in for the kill.
"Pyro..."
"Enough with your damn pyros!" Agnimon said as he grabbed a metal folding chair and lunged at Agunimon. "Ahhh!"
WHAM! ... Clunk.
The metal folding chair had a dent in the shape of Agunimon's head on it. Agnimon looked wide-eyed at the chair and then at the unconscious Agunimon on the ground.
"... Cool!" he said.
"One... two... three... He's out!" said Toad.
"Go, Agnimon! Go, Agnimon! It's your birthday! It's your birthday!"
"I really wish people would stop saying that," Wolfmon groaned.
Winner of Round One: Agnimon!
--
Round Two: Fairymon vs. Kazemon
"Hey, isn't it weird how they used an English name in Japan and a Japanese name in the dub?" Fairymon asked her dub counterpart.
"Yeah, that is weird," agreed Kazemon.
"Who cares? Just start killing each other!" yelled Toad.
"Right!" they both said as they got into battle poses.
In the Chosen Childrens' dugout.
"Hey, what if this turns into a catfight?" Blitzmon asked the other guys.
Agnimon and Wolfmon raised their eyebrows at him.
"What?"
Back to the carnage.
"Brezza Petalo!"
"Hurricane Wind!"
Being the same Digimon, the attacks equally clashed.
Darn! I need some ultra great way to beat her! Fairymon thought to herself. Something so dazzling and clever to beat that little bitch!
The idea came to her in a stroke of genius.
"Ooo, look over there!" Fairymon said, pointing to something behind her opponent.
"Huh? What?" Kazemon glanced behind herself.
KAPOW!
"One... two... three! Kazemon's out!" said Toad.
"Yeah! Boo yah!" said Fairymon while sticking her face right into the camera, grinning insanely.
"Well... that was easy," said Koopa Troopa. "I came here for bloodshed, damn it! Er, oops, I mean..." He then went back to speaking his Koopa Troopa language.
Winner of Round Two:Fairymon!
"YAY!!"
Ah, senseless violence, you gotta love it.
--
Round Three: Wolfmon vs. Lobomon
"Lobomon? You have got to be kidding," Wolfmon stated.
"Shut up, you!"
"Aaaaaand... fight!" shouted Toad as Koopa Troopa rang the bell again.
"Licht Seiger!"
"Lobo Kendo!"
But Lobomon's attack missed because Wolfmon had fallen over, snickering at the silliness of his adversary's attack name.
"Stop laughing at me!" yelled Lobomon, as he stomped his right foot down in annoyance.
"But your names are soooooo stupid!"
"At least my name has originality! Hmph!" said Lobomon as he turned his back on Wolfmon with his arms crossed.
Wolfmon blinked. "Idiot. Your name is Spanish for "wolf". Ah well, Licht Seiger!"
Too bad Lobomon forgot you should never turn your back in a fight.
WHAM! SLASH! KAPOW! CHEAP SOUND EFFECTS!
"Aaaaaand Lobomon is outta here!" Toad stated. Lobomon was now unconscious on the ground.
"Are they all this easy to beat?" questioned Wolfmon, smugly.
Winner of Round Three: Wolfmon!
"Woohoo! Who's your daddy?!" chanted the crowd. That's it, no more beer at the concession stand.
--
Round Four: Chakmon vs. Kumamon
"Okay, evil Chakmon clone! I'm gonna beat you up and make the others proud of me!" exclaimed the determined Chakmon.
Kumamon suddenly started talking like Mojo Jojo, "I am not Chakmon! Chakmon is not my name! For the name Chakmon is not the correct name to address me by! Because it is not my name! If you were to address me by the name.... Kumamon-Jojo, that would be correct! For my name is... Kumamon-Jojo! And I will only be addressed by that name, which is... Kumamon-Jojo! And furthermore, it is not you who will beat me up! It is I who will beat you up! I being... Kumamon-Jojo, who is not Chakmon, shall beat you up alone! Which is to say, without anybody else! And without anybody else, shall I beat you up! And when I beat you up, by only one Digimon, not a collective group, but one Digimon, who shall be beating you up will be known other than me! Kumamon-Jojo!" He cackled insanely.
"Oh, shut up!" shouted Chakmon as he shot Kumamon with his machine gun, beating him with one blast.
Winner of Round Four: Chakmon!
"What the hell was that about?" asked Announcer Joe.
"Kumamon-Jojo?" Announcer Steve wondered. "I hope we sure don't get sued for this, Joe."
Round Five: Blitzmon vs. Beetlemon was next!
--
Meanwhile, over somewhere else on the island, Kouichi was still hanging upside-down from a tree.
"Could someone please help me? Anyone? Help! The blood is rushing to my head!" Kouichi shouted. "I'm over that evil streak, I promise! Help!"
A young Noki walked up, "Hello, kind sir. I happened to have heard that you were over from your evil streak. May you partake in acts of charity with us?"
Kouichi thought to himself, Charity? Not exactly my cup of tea, with me still being evil and all, but as long as I can get down from this tree and to Kouji… He grinned. "Sure, Mr. Noki, I'll be charitable, just please get me down!"
The Noki suddenly seemed offended. "I'm a Miss Noki, you insensitive buffoon! I'm telling my daddy on you!" The Noki ran off crying.
Damn it, Kouichi thought in his conveniently echoing inner monologue. But what could a little Noki do to me?
Suddenly, a very butch-looking Noki stepped up, causing the ground to shake when he walked. "This is the human that 'caused ya' trouble?" he asked his daughter, motioning towards Kouichi.
"That's him, daddy! Kick his butt!"
Kouichi's eyes widened at the sight. Oh dear, I think I'm in for a WORLD OF PAIN!
Lucky for Kouichi, some of his fans ran up to stop this madness.
"STOP!" The leader of the pack shouted, holding out a stop sign to make her command even more noticeable.
"Don't you dare lay a finger on our Kouichi-kun, you brute!" screeched Kouichi fangirl #2.
"Yes, you monster!" Kouichi fangirl #3 proclaimed.
"What they said!" a boy wearing a shirt that said 'Kouichi's #1!!' on it shouted at the Noki.
The father-Noki raised an eyebrow at the boy.
"What?" the boy asked, notcing the stare.
The father-Noki paused. He then got an evil idea. He pulled down on the branch Kouichi was hanging from. When his body lowered and swung near the insane fangirls and fanboy, the high-pitched squeals noting their delight of being so close to Kouichi could be heard far and wide.
"Ya want 'im?" the Noki asked.
The fans nodded.
"Then go get 'im!"
He let go of the tree, catapulting Kouichi (and breaking the rope he was hanging from) to the other side of the island.
"Good one, dad!" the daughter laughed.
The fans' eyes suddenly turned blood-red. "You... you... HEATHENS!!" They grew fangs and lunged at the two Noki.
"Aw... crap."
--
Round Five was currently in progress.
"Golden Thunder!"
"Lightning Blitz!"
The attacks were about to collide with each other when…
"KYAAAAAAAAH!"
"Huh?"
Kouichi crashed right in the middle of the ring. He got up and brushed himself off, his ropes magically disappearing.
"Ha ha ha! Nothing can hurt Kouichi!" he chortled.
He suddenly noticed the two very dangerous electric attacks heading right for him on both sides.
"Except maybe that."
CRASH! WHAM! SHOCKING! ELECTROCUTION! PAIN!
"AAAAAAH!" He blasted off towards the mountain. "Looks like Kouichi is blasting off agaaaaaain!"
Ping!
"Oh, the insanity!" Announcer Joe shouted.
"Don't you mean "Oh, the humanity"?" asked Announcer Steve.
"No, it's insanity."
"Ah, yes, of course."
Winner of Round Five: Blitzmon! Why? Because it's a better name than Beetlemon, that's for sure!
"Okay, everyone, get out your D-Scanners!" said Agnimon as they all prepared to Digicode Scan their enemies into oblivion.
"No, wait!" yelled the badly injured dub versions. "We can Beast Spirit Evolve now!"
"Oh no..."
"Execute! Beast Spirit Evolution!"
Agunimon Slide Evolved to ::cough:: BurningGreymon! Someone shoot me!
Lobomon Slide Evolved to ::ahemcough:: KendoGarurumon! Ha! Try having them all say that with only two mouth movements!
Beetlemon Slide Evolved to ::hackhackcough:: MetalKabuterimon!
"Do you need a lozenge?" asked Kazemon.
No, I'm fine, thank you.
Kumamon Slide Evolved to Korikakumon! What the hell?
Kazemon Slide Evolved to Zephyrmon! Yes! A decent name!
"Oh, jeez."
"Hahahahaha! Now we attack!"
As if on cue, a Bomb-Omb rolled in front of the DigiDestined and exploded.
"Okaaay... now!" said Agnimon.
"Digicooooode Scan!" They absorbed the DigiDestined's data. They disintegrated, hopefully never to be seen and heard from again.
"The dub is dead! The dub is dead! Woohoo!" cheered the crowd, jumping around in their seats like maniacs.
"And what a match this was!" Announcer Joe stated.
"And it looks like the Chosen Children won! Was there ever any doubt?" Announcer Steve grinned at the camera.
The crowd went crazy while the Chosen Children waved and bowed to their loyal fans.
But wait! What about the Evil Hybrids?
--
"Okay! This time I've got you... !" said Grottomon. "Ha! Read 'em in weep!" He put down a hand of cards. "Full House!"
"I guess you beat me..." original Ranamon growled. "But I should never be beaten! For I am the BEST!!"
"What has thou got?" asked Mercurymon.
"Not much. It's just all the royal family together, wearing matching outfits."
Everyone fell over backwards from their sitting positions.
"Y'all, my original counterpart beat us again!" grumbled dub Ranamon.
"Y'know, for dub versions with bad voices, you guys aren't all bad," said Arbormon.
"Yeah, youse guys aren't that bad neither. I thought we was gonna have ta rough yase up, you know what I'm sayin?" dub Abormon stated.
"Can someone tell me what this guy talk about?" asked Grumblemon.
Everyone else drowned in the irony.
"So, I'll be dealing the next hand then!" said Mercuremon.
"Doth tis the one who deals the best," said Mercurymon.
"Glad someone agrees with me... I think."
"But shouldn't we be doing Evil Hybrid type-things, y'all?" asked dub Ranamon.
"Those little Spirit kids can wait! Me want to play more poker!" said Grumblemon.
"Yeah! This time... Strip Poker!" exclaimed Grottomon.
Everyone gave Grottomon a questionable look. Ranamon hit him on the head.
"Pervert."
I suppose Evil Hybrids and their equally evil counterparts can coexist with each other after all. Hmm, why do I get the feeling I'm forgetting something?
--
Back at the spa.
Bokomon, Neemon, and their dub counterparts were lounging in the tanning salon and drinking margaritas.
"I wish I knew about Isle Delfino sooner!" said the British-sounding Bokomon.
"Hans, I'm ready for my pedicure," said original Bokomon.
"Now we both feel pretty!" stated the Neemons.
End of chapter 11.
Do you also feel pretty? Maybe you'll feel even prettier if you stay tuned for the next installment of A Funny Frontier Tale!