Chapter Five Ring-pulling your leg, Fido
A voice was calling to him. Fido was in darkness, but by the voice a light shone. And the voice said "come to the light Fido..... come to the light".
Or, thought Fido absently, it might be saying "If you don't wake up this instant, Fido Friggins, I will personally make you endure a live, uninterrupted, five-hour performance from my Dancing Goblins."
Fido's eyes snapped open.
"Gangwarf?" he asked uncertainly.
"Good morning. How are you doing, my dear Fido?" the wizard asked with the air of a kindly, concerned uncle. Fido, of course, wasn't fooled for a second.
"What do you mean, how am I doing? I nearly died, you idiotic illusionist! And it's entirely your fault, may I remind you! Where were you in Brie?" asked the infuriated Rabbit.
"You're well enough to insult me, I see." Said Gangwarf shrewdly.
"You didn't answer my question. Where were you?" repeated Fido. The wizard's eyes became unfocused, and he was staring into space.
"Gangwarf?" said Fido, worriedly.
"Quiet, silly." Snapped the wizard. "I'm obviously having an important flashback!" he resumed staring past Fido's head, a glazed look in his eyes. This went on for about five minutes, when suddenly Lamb, Smelly and Pipsqueak burst into the room in joy.
"Fido! You're awake!" they all yelled joyfully, with much joy in their voices (I've lost my thesaurus. So sue me).
Suddenly loud heavy metal music filled the room. Now, heavy metal is loud for humans, but for Rabbits, who have ears the size of trumpets, heavy metal music sounds like, well, really, really, loud heavy metal music. Which is not good.
"What is that?" Fido yelled, loudly.
"Ah, I see Ozzy is awake." Said Gangwarf. Upon Fido's curious glance, he explained "Ozzy is the owner of Chip'n'Dell. A famous minstrel back in the Fabled First Age of Middly-Squat Earth, he retired to his secluded mansion of Chip'n'Dell some time ago, to pursue....ah... other hobbies."
"You mean when he got dropped by his record label because of that rapper." Said Dill dryly, also stepping into Fido's room.
"What is this, open house?" Fido said sarcastically.
"Oh, thanks very much for rescuing me from the Seagûl, Dill, I'd be dead without your quick thinking." She said pointedly. "Y'know, I'm the one who actually thought to bandage you up, while Trotter stood around hemming and hawing over what leaves to stick in you, and everyone else argued over what epitaph would best sum you up." she sighed. "And Mother wonders why I stay in Edward-Wood all the time." she finished.
The Rabbits laughed good-naturedly at her, and a comfortable silence fell on the room, pierced only by distant cries of "Stay out of my underwear draw, you pervert!" coming from the direction of Kelly's room.
"Well," said Gangwarf eventually, "I have places to go, elves to see, so I'll take my leave and give you some peace, Fido."
Fido gave a short cough, which sounded oddly like the word 'finally'.
Feeling a little better, Fido later wondered around Chip'n'Dell, seeing it's many wondrous artefacts and curiosities, amongst which were the real Turin Shroud, the Jules Rimet cup, some genuine cursed pirate treasure, and an Oscar for Best Original Song, which had the name 'Eminem' crossed out repeatedly, and 'Ozzy' scrawled over the top.
Fido, staring in wonder at a very good forgery of Da Vinci's 'The Last Supper', suddenly heard a familiar voice behind him.
"Did I really enrage the population of Rabbiton as much as Gangwarf said?" the voice said (a little too) hopefully.
"Uncle Bigblo!" cried Fido, "What are you doing here? I thought you were going south."
"Ah, no, that fell though, sadly. It seems Saurondemort is killing, well, everyone he can within 100 miles of Mordors-Less Windows, so I thought I'd stay here instead. I always liked the mountains. But you can go a bit deaf, after a while." He said, as Ozzy's music started again.
"Speaking of Saurondemort, Uncle Bigblo, you probably didn't realise at the time, but the Ring-pull you left me was actually the One Ring-pull!" Said Fido.
"No! Really?" said Bigblo, in (very convincing) mock surprise.
"Yes!" said Fido fervently, falling for Bigblo's lie hook, line, sinker, and fish, too. "I nearly died several times, because of the Seagûl, who were hunting me."
"Shocking!" said Bigblo, a slight grin tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"I know! But, don't worry Uncle, I know it wasn't your fault. You didn't know it was the One Ring-pull. I made it to Chip'n'Dell safely, that's the only thing that matters."
"Mmm," Bigblo nodded, barely concealing his hysterics now. "Well, you better run along, I hear there's a feast in your honour tonight." He said, and Fido skipped away, none the wiser.
Bigblo grinned evilly at his nephew's back. "Sucker."
There was indeed to be a feast for Fido that evening, as Bigblo had said, and when Fido arrived in the feasting hall, he saw the usual array of people present at Chip'n'Dell. Elves, obviously, a few dwarves, a handful of men, the three Billy goats gruff, the tooth fairy, Santa, a velociraptor that had converted to vegetarianism, Itchy and Scratchy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the two remaining Beatles, and the entire cast of Eastenders.
At a table at one end of the hall sat the other three Rabbits, Bigblo, and Aragormless, who was leaning over a disgruntled Gangwarf to gaze avidly at Kelly. Next to Kelly, in the centre of the table, sat an emaciated elf with very dark glasses on; Ozzy himself. On Ozzy's left sat Tomboy Dill and some other citizens of Middly-Squat Earth who Fido did not recognise. He was ushered to this table, and was placed between Dill and a female elf with long golden-brown hair, dressed in the traditional jeans-and-T-shirt garb of all elves.
"Hey, Fido!" said Dill. "Let me introduce you to one of my best friends," she indicated the elf next to her. "This is Leggylass, from Irk-wood. We go waaay back" she said. Leggylass smiled at Fido.
"It is a strange fate we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a Rabbit." The elf said. "Such a little Rabbit." Said Dill, and they burst into laughter.
Fido, feeling unnerved by Dill and her equally deranged elf friend, not to mention a little put-out to be called 'so small a Rabbit', looked past Leggylass and decided to talk to the dwarf sitting beside her, who had a large black moustache and was puffing a cigar.
"Oy vey, so you've got the Ring-pull, am I right? So disastrous, already." Said the dwarf, in an accent Fido could not quite place.
"Fido Friggins, pleased to meet you." He said.
"The feeling's mutual, you schmuck." Said the dwarf.
"Excuse me?" said Fido, unsure what a 'schmuck' actually was.
"Grouchi the dvarf, at your service already. Oy, this is a tough crowd." He said, after Fido looked blankly at the dwarf, who was quite clearly a few nuggets short of a goldmine. Fido decided to move on. It can't get any weirder than that guy, he thought to himself, and struck up a conversation with the man to Grouchi's left.
"Hi, I'm Fido Friggins," he began, "I brought the Ring-pull here, y'know." The man's face suddenly shone.
"Can I have it?" he said.
"I'm sorry?"
"I, uh, mean, do you have it? Here with you. Yes, clearly that's what I meant. Do you have it here with you?" The man said quickly.
"No," said Fido, moving his chair a little away from the man, "It's safely locked away somewhere secret. Who are you, anyway?" he asked, desperately trying to change the subject. The man drew himself up impressively.
"I," he said, "am none other than Barometer, son of Benidorm, the Steward of Front-dor. You may have heard of me."
"Uh, no, not to my knowledge." Said Fido.
"Oh." Said the man disappointedly. "Lots of other people have, though." He said, more to himself than Fido.
"I'm sure they have." Said Fido, moving his chair even closer to Dill, and wishing furiously that food would be served and he wouldn't have to talk to any more of these freaks.
After a while, the 'feast' was brought out. Fido personally thought he'd seen more appealing food at a school harvest festival. The starter was a piece of bread with something on it that may have been blue-cheese spread or mould. The main course was the smallest, leanest steak Fido had ever seen, with a congealed lump of spinach on the side (which was better than Dill's vegetarian option, anyway, which consisted of a congealed lump of spinach and a piece of cheddar cheese), and Fido didn't touch the sweet, because neither he, Dill, Grouchi, Barometer nor Leggylass could figure out exactly what it was.
After picking at his meagre meal for fifteen minutes, Fido was rescued when Ozzy the elf stood up, and a hush fell on the room. Fido later realised this had nothing to do with everyone being in awe of Ozzy, but total silence was needed so everyone could try to understand what he was saying.
"Ahwannathanyallf'comin,cosyouknoAhwasbroughtupinthaback-streezofBirminum, inInglund, an'Ahnevahadnofrienz." Ozzy said, his voice feebler and shakier than George Bush Jr's grammar. "BurightnowIgorragoanholdasecretcouncil, y'know, soeveryonewho werentinviteds'gorragonow, anAh'llseeyoulata, alright?"
Five minutes later, when everyone had worked out what Ozzy had actually said, everyone but those who sat at Ozzy's table got up from their seats and left the hall. A few chairs were rearranged by elf attendants into a semi-circle in the centre of the hall, and the party moved over to sit on them.
Fido found himself on the edge of the arc of chairs, sitting next to Gangwarf. The wizard stood up.
"Well, it appears we have a slight situation." Gangwarf said. "You all know why you have been summoned here. Saurondemort has become all powerful again, and it's up to us, the free people of Middly-Squat Earth to stand up and spit in his big, flaming eye and say "Nay!" to his foul deeds. It will not be easy, though.
"He has many new allies, such as Sorryman, the most powerful wizard in Middly-Squat Earth. With the worst ideas of where to keep prisoners. On the top of a tower, I ask you! What's to stop me jumping off onto some giant eagle? What an idiot!" he carried on in this train of thought for a while, until Ozzy cleared his throat (he might have just been choking on a bat's head, though. You never can tell with Ozzy).
"Ah, yes, well, I digress." said Gangwarf, "But there is still hope. As many of you know, we have found Saurondemort's One Ring-pull, and it is currently in the possession of Fido Friggins. We all know the rules that go with owning a Ring-pull, so it seems we have only one choice..."
"Hang on!" Fido interrupted. "What rules? No-one tells me anything!"
"Oy, didn't the vizard even tell you that, already? Vhat a schmoe!" said Grouchi. Dill stared at Fido
"I thought you were a bit too chilled about the whole Ring-pull bearer deal. I just assumed you already knew about the whole bag of rotten bananas that goes with having the Ring-pull."
"No, I didn't know." said Fido through gritted teeth. "Wasn't it enough for the Seagûl to nearly kill me several times?"
"Nah, mate. Y'seetheresthis'oledealwivtherin- pullsayinthaooevasgorritcantgiv..." began Ozzy, when Kelly cut across him.
"I'll field this one, Dad. Look, it's totally like this. If you've got the Ring-pull, you're, like, under oath to keep it from Saurondemort, and you have to, like, go and destroy it in Mordors-Less Windows."
"WHAT?!?"
"That's not all, dude," said Dill sadly, "Once you've got it, nobody can steal it from you without them going mad and dying horribly, and you can't throw it away or give it to anybody without you going mad and dying horribly. Bit of a bugger, that rule, really."
"But," said Fido, trying to find a loop-hole "why did the Seagûl try to steal it from me?"
"They're undead, so it doesn't matter for them." said Dill. "Plus they're all as crazy as foxes anyway, being politicians, so they can't go mad from It." added Leggylass.
"But... but..." said Fido desperately. "Hey! How did Bigblo give it to me without him going mad and dying horribly?" he asked triumphantly.
"Because you willingly accepted it from him. Which meant that you'd accepted the...ah... 'Whole bag of rotten bananas' that goes with it as well." said Gangwarf. Fido sat in his chair looking miserably at his outsized Rabbit feet.
"Pray, do not feel so bad, young Rabbit." said Trotter, who had given up all pretence of knowing Fido's name. "We are as upset as you. If you had died when the Seagûl stabbed you, we wouldn't be in this predicament. We could have chosen someone strong and brave and of normal height to take the Ring-pull to Mordors-Less Windows. But now we're stuck with you. So we might as well prepare to be enslaved now."
Fido sniffed. "Dill, why did you save me from the Seagûl? I could be dead now, and not faced with this awful task!" he said sadly.
"Hey, don't blame me! I mighta been stuck with the thing! And trust me, only an idiot accepts the One Ring-pull..... Oh, right. Sorry."
"Stop vhinging, already!" Said Grouchi. "So you've got the Ring-pull. Sitting and crying like a little baby girl won't help you, already. You've gotta get a backbone, ya dumb schmuck!"
"So, you're sure he can't give the Ring-pull away? Not even to someone, hypothetically speaking, who would accept it willingly?" asked Barometer. Everyone glared at him. "I don't mean me, of course! Where would you get an idea like that?"
Ignoring Barometer, Ozzy spoke up: "Nah,it'sFidozquestan'hesgorradoit,soAhthinkaf'lowshipshudgowiv 'imanmakesurehegetsta Mordors-Less Windows, y'know."
"That's a good idea, Ozzy." said Gangwarf, who then did a double take. "Did everyone else hear that, or was it just me? Ozzy actually had a good idea."
"Could you translate it into normal speech for the rest of us?" Said Leggylass.
"Ah, yes, he said a Fellowship should help Fido on his way to Mordors-Less Windows and destroy the Ring-pull with him. Excellent plan, most ingenious. Now, who'll volunteer for it?" There was a silence so profound in the room that you could have heard a mouse drop a pin wrapped in cotton wool. Dill sighed.
"I spose I'd better go with you, Fidster. It's kinda my fault your the Ring- pull bearer, anyway. Well, technically it's your uncle's fault, and he should really be coming too, but we'll let that one slide." she said, but gave Bigblo a very evil look nonetheless. This was lost on old Rabbit, who had dozed off in his chair.
"I shall come, Fido. Nothing better to do, anyway." said Gangwarf.
"I'll come with you, Mr Fido. 'Till death do us part." said Lamb with misty eyes. Fido decided to pretend that he hadn't heard Lamb's last comment.
"Och aye, ye can count on me and Smelly, Fido!" said Pipsqueak. No one else spoke up. Dill, after instructions from Gangwarf, started to load her handgun.
"We'll come!" Barometer, Leggylass and Grouchi said quickly, stepping out of Dill's firing range. Aragormless stood up importantly.
"I shall come Fido, for the future king of Front-dor should help destroy this evil thing. And all royals have to do some sort of military training, anyway."
This simple statement produced the loudest collective gasp since Luke Skywalker found out his dad wasn't the local postman.
"You're the long-lost king of Front-dor?"
"Yes."
"You?"
"Yes."
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
"No, really, you?"
"Yes!"
Kelly's eyes grew wide at this point, and a manipulative shine came into them.
"Say, uh, Arry, an elf really likes a king- I mean- a guy, who, like, risks his life for a noble, like, quest, and stuff." she said, batting her eyelids so much she created a hurricane on the other side of the world.
"Fear not, fair Kelly. I shall return from this perilous journey and make you Queen of all Front-dor, if you so desire."
"Desire? Hell, yes! I'm gonna be a queen!! Now who's the real queen of pop, Christina?" she yelled. "I, uh, of course, my one true love." she added sweetly. Aragormless turned to the rest of the Fellowship.
"Well, no time like the present! The quicker we get going, the quicker I get married!" he said cheerily, striding away to pack with a slight spring to his step. The rest of the newly formed Fellowship of the Ring-pull shuffled glumly after him. Kelly, Ozzy and the now awake Bigblo were left alone in the hall, staring at the Fellowship as they tally hoed onwards to the next chapter.
"Suckers."
A voice was calling to him. Fido was in darkness, but by the voice a light shone. And the voice said "come to the light Fido..... come to the light".
Or, thought Fido absently, it might be saying "If you don't wake up this instant, Fido Friggins, I will personally make you endure a live, uninterrupted, five-hour performance from my Dancing Goblins."
Fido's eyes snapped open.
"Gangwarf?" he asked uncertainly.
"Good morning. How are you doing, my dear Fido?" the wizard asked with the air of a kindly, concerned uncle. Fido, of course, wasn't fooled for a second.
"What do you mean, how am I doing? I nearly died, you idiotic illusionist! And it's entirely your fault, may I remind you! Where were you in Brie?" asked the infuriated Rabbit.
"You're well enough to insult me, I see." Said Gangwarf shrewdly.
"You didn't answer my question. Where were you?" repeated Fido. The wizard's eyes became unfocused, and he was staring into space.
"Gangwarf?" said Fido, worriedly.
"Quiet, silly." Snapped the wizard. "I'm obviously having an important flashback!" he resumed staring past Fido's head, a glazed look in his eyes. This went on for about five minutes, when suddenly Lamb, Smelly and Pipsqueak burst into the room in joy.
"Fido! You're awake!" they all yelled joyfully, with much joy in their voices (I've lost my thesaurus. So sue me).
Suddenly loud heavy metal music filled the room. Now, heavy metal is loud for humans, but for Rabbits, who have ears the size of trumpets, heavy metal music sounds like, well, really, really, loud heavy metal music. Which is not good.
"What is that?" Fido yelled, loudly.
"Ah, I see Ozzy is awake." Said Gangwarf. Upon Fido's curious glance, he explained "Ozzy is the owner of Chip'n'Dell. A famous minstrel back in the Fabled First Age of Middly-Squat Earth, he retired to his secluded mansion of Chip'n'Dell some time ago, to pursue....ah... other hobbies."
"You mean when he got dropped by his record label because of that rapper." Said Dill dryly, also stepping into Fido's room.
"What is this, open house?" Fido said sarcastically.
"Oh, thanks very much for rescuing me from the Seagûl, Dill, I'd be dead without your quick thinking." She said pointedly. "Y'know, I'm the one who actually thought to bandage you up, while Trotter stood around hemming and hawing over what leaves to stick in you, and everyone else argued over what epitaph would best sum you up." she sighed. "And Mother wonders why I stay in Edward-Wood all the time." she finished.
The Rabbits laughed good-naturedly at her, and a comfortable silence fell on the room, pierced only by distant cries of "Stay out of my underwear draw, you pervert!" coming from the direction of Kelly's room.
"Well," said Gangwarf eventually, "I have places to go, elves to see, so I'll take my leave and give you some peace, Fido."
Fido gave a short cough, which sounded oddly like the word 'finally'.
Feeling a little better, Fido later wondered around Chip'n'Dell, seeing it's many wondrous artefacts and curiosities, amongst which were the real Turin Shroud, the Jules Rimet cup, some genuine cursed pirate treasure, and an Oscar for Best Original Song, which had the name 'Eminem' crossed out repeatedly, and 'Ozzy' scrawled over the top.
Fido, staring in wonder at a very good forgery of Da Vinci's 'The Last Supper', suddenly heard a familiar voice behind him.
"Did I really enrage the population of Rabbiton as much as Gangwarf said?" the voice said (a little too) hopefully.
"Uncle Bigblo!" cried Fido, "What are you doing here? I thought you were going south."
"Ah, no, that fell though, sadly. It seems Saurondemort is killing, well, everyone he can within 100 miles of Mordors-Less Windows, so I thought I'd stay here instead. I always liked the mountains. But you can go a bit deaf, after a while." He said, as Ozzy's music started again.
"Speaking of Saurondemort, Uncle Bigblo, you probably didn't realise at the time, but the Ring-pull you left me was actually the One Ring-pull!" Said Fido.
"No! Really?" said Bigblo, in (very convincing) mock surprise.
"Yes!" said Fido fervently, falling for Bigblo's lie hook, line, sinker, and fish, too. "I nearly died several times, because of the Seagûl, who were hunting me."
"Shocking!" said Bigblo, a slight grin tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"I know! But, don't worry Uncle, I know it wasn't your fault. You didn't know it was the One Ring-pull. I made it to Chip'n'Dell safely, that's the only thing that matters."
"Mmm," Bigblo nodded, barely concealing his hysterics now. "Well, you better run along, I hear there's a feast in your honour tonight." He said, and Fido skipped away, none the wiser.
Bigblo grinned evilly at his nephew's back. "Sucker."
There was indeed to be a feast for Fido that evening, as Bigblo had said, and when Fido arrived in the feasting hall, he saw the usual array of people present at Chip'n'Dell. Elves, obviously, a few dwarves, a handful of men, the three Billy goats gruff, the tooth fairy, Santa, a velociraptor that had converted to vegetarianism, Itchy and Scratchy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the two remaining Beatles, and the entire cast of Eastenders.
At a table at one end of the hall sat the other three Rabbits, Bigblo, and Aragormless, who was leaning over a disgruntled Gangwarf to gaze avidly at Kelly. Next to Kelly, in the centre of the table, sat an emaciated elf with very dark glasses on; Ozzy himself. On Ozzy's left sat Tomboy Dill and some other citizens of Middly-Squat Earth who Fido did not recognise. He was ushered to this table, and was placed between Dill and a female elf with long golden-brown hair, dressed in the traditional jeans-and-T-shirt garb of all elves.
"Hey, Fido!" said Dill. "Let me introduce you to one of my best friends," she indicated the elf next to her. "This is Leggylass, from Irk-wood. We go waaay back" she said. Leggylass smiled at Fido.
"It is a strange fate we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a Rabbit." The elf said. "Such a little Rabbit." Said Dill, and they burst into laughter.
Fido, feeling unnerved by Dill and her equally deranged elf friend, not to mention a little put-out to be called 'so small a Rabbit', looked past Leggylass and decided to talk to the dwarf sitting beside her, who had a large black moustache and was puffing a cigar.
"Oy vey, so you've got the Ring-pull, am I right? So disastrous, already." Said the dwarf, in an accent Fido could not quite place.
"Fido Friggins, pleased to meet you." He said.
"The feeling's mutual, you schmuck." Said the dwarf.
"Excuse me?" said Fido, unsure what a 'schmuck' actually was.
"Grouchi the dvarf, at your service already. Oy, this is a tough crowd." He said, after Fido looked blankly at the dwarf, who was quite clearly a few nuggets short of a goldmine. Fido decided to move on. It can't get any weirder than that guy, he thought to himself, and struck up a conversation with the man to Grouchi's left.
"Hi, I'm Fido Friggins," he began, "I brought the Ring-pull here, y'know." The man's face suddenly shone.
"Can I have it?" he said.
"I'm sorry?"
"I, uh, mean, do you have it? Here with you. Yes, clearly that's what I meant. Do you have it here with you?" The man said quickly.
"No," said Fido, moving his chair a little away from the man, "It's safely locked away somewhere secret. Who are you, anyway?" he asked, desperately trying to change the subject. The man drew himself up impressively.
"I," he said, "am none other than Barometer, son of Benidorm, the Steward of Front-dor. You may have heard of me."
"Uh, no, not to my knowledge." Said Fido.
"Oh." Said the man disappointedly. "Lots of other people have, though." He said, more to himself than Fido.
"I'm sure they have." Said Fido, moving his chair even closer to Dill, and wishing furiously that food would be served and he wouldn't have to talk to any more of these freaks.
After a while, the 'feast' was brought out. Fido personally thought he'd seen more appealing food at a school harvest festival. The starter was a piece of bread with something on it that may have been blue-cheese spread or mould. The main course was the smallest, leanest steak Fido had ever seen, with a congealed lump of spinach on the side (which was better than Dill's vegetarian option, anyway, which consisted of a congealed lump of spinach and a piece of cheddar cheese), and Fido didn't touch the sweet, because neither he, Dill, Grouchi, Barometer nor Leggylass could figure out exactly what it was.
After picking at his meagre meal for fifteen minutes, Fido was rescued when Ozzy the elf stood up, and a hush fell on the room. Fido later realised this had nothing to do with everyone being in awe of Ozzy, but total silence was needed so everyone could try to understand what he was saying.
"Ahwannathanyallf'comin,cosyouknoAhwasbroughtupinthaback-streezofBirminum, inInglund, an'Ahnevahadnofrienz." Ozzy said, his voice feebler and shakier than George Bush Jr's grammar. "BurightnowIgorragoanholdasecretcouncil, y'know, soeveryonewho werentinviteds'gorragonow, anAh'llseeyoulata, alright?"
Five minutes later, when everyone had worked out what Ozzy had actually said, everyone but those who sat at Ozzy's table got up from their seats and left the hall. A few chairs were rearranged by elf attendants into a semi-circle in the centre of the hall, and the party moved over to sit on them.
Fido found himself on the edge of the arc of chairs, sitting next to Gangwarf. The wizard stood up.
"Well, it appears we have a slight situation." Gangwarf said. "You all know why you have been summoned here. Saurondemort has become all powerful again, and it's up to us, the free people of Middly-Squat Earth to stand up and spit in his big, flaming eye and say "Nay!" to his foul deeds. It will not be easy, though.
"He has many new allies, such as Sorryman, the most powerful wizard in Middly-Squat Earth. With the worst ideas of where to keep prisoners. On the top of a tower, I ask you! What's to stop me jumping off onto some giant eagle? What an idiot!" he carried on in this train of thought for a while, until Ozzy cleared his throat (he might have just been choking on a bat's head, though. You never can tell with Ozzy).
"Ah, yes, well, I digress." said Gangwarf, "But there is still hope. As many of you know, we have found Saurondemort's One Ring-pull, and it is currently in the possession of Fido Friggins. We all know the rules that go with owning a Ring-pull, so it seems we have only one choice..."
"Hang on!" Fido interrupted. "What rules? No-one tells me anything!"
"Oy, didn't the vizard even tell you that, already? Vhat a schmoe!" said Grouchi. Dill stared at Fido
"I thought you were a bit too chilled about the whole Ring-pull bearer deal. I just assumed you already knew about the whole bag of rotten bananas that goes with having the Ring-pull."
"No, I didn't know." said Fido through gritted teeth. "Wasn't it enough for the Seagûl to nearly kill me several times?"
"Nah, mate. Y'seetheresthis'oledealwivtherin- pullsayinthaooevasgorritcantgiv..." began Ozzy, when Kelly cut across him.
"I'll field this one, Dad. Look, it's totally like this. If you've got the Ring-pull, you're, like, under oath to keep it from Saurondemort, and you have to, like, go and destroy it in Mordors-Less Windows."
"WHAT?!?"
"That's not all, dude," said Dill sadly, "Once you've got it, nobody can steal it from you without them going mad and dying horribly, and you can't throw it away or give it to anybody without you going mad and dying horribly. Bit of a bugger, that rule, really."
"But," said Fido, trying to find a loop-hole "why did the Seagûl try to steal it from me?"
"They're undead, so it doesn't matter for them." said Dill. "Plus they're all as crazy as foxes anyway, being politicians, so they can't go mad from It." added Leggylass.
"But... but..." said Fido desperately. "Hey! How did Bigblo give it to me without him going mad and dying horribly?" he asked triumphantly.
"Because you willingly accepted it from him. Which meant that you'd accepted the...ah... 'Whole bag of rotten bananas' that goes with it as well." said Gangwarf. Fido sat in his chair looking miserably at his outsized Rabbit feet.
"Pray, do not feel so bad, young Rabbit." said Trotter, who had given up all pretence of knowing Fido's name. "We are as upset as you. If you had died when the Seagûl stabbed you, we wouldn't be in this predicament. We could have chosen someone strong and brave and of normal height to take the Ring-pull to Mordors-Less Windows. But now we're stuck with you. So we might as well prepare to be enslaved now."
Fido sniffed. "Dill, why did you save me from the Seagûl? I could be dead now, and not faced with this awful task!" he said sadly.
"Hey, don't blame me! I mighta been stuck with the thing! And trust me, only an idiot accepts the One Ring-pull..... Oh, right. Sorry."
"Stop vhinging, already!" Said Grouchi. "So you've got the Ring-pull. Sitting and crying like a little baby girl won't help you, already. You've gotta get a backbone, ya dumb schmuck!"
"So, you're sure he can't give the Ring-pull away? Not even to someone, hypothetically speaking, who would accept it willingly?" asked Barometer. Everyone glared at him. "I don't mean me, of course! Where would you get an idea like that?"
Ignoring Barometer, Ozzy spoke up: "Nah,it'sFidozquestan'hesgorradoit,soAhthinkaf'lowshipshudgowiv 'imanmakesurehegetsta Mordors-Less Windows, y'know."
"That's a good idea, Ozzy." said Gangwarf, who then did a double take. "Did everyone else hear that, or was it just me? Ozzy actually had a good idea."
"Could you translate it into normal speech for the rest of us?" Said Leggylass.
"Ah, yes, he said a Fellowship should help Fido on his way to Mordors-Less Windows and destroy the Ring-pull with him. Excellent plan, most ingenious. Now, who'll volunteer for it?" There was a silence so profound in the room that you could have heard a mouse drop a pin wrapped in cotton wool. Dill sighed.
"I spose I'd better go with you, Fidster. It's kinda my fault your the Ring- pull bearer, anyway. Well, technically it's your uncle's fault, and he should really be coming too, but we'll let that one slide." she said, but gave Bigblo a very evil look nonetheless. This was lost on old Rabbit, who had dozed off in his chair.
"I shall come, Fido. Nothing better to do, anyway." said Gangwarf.
"I'll come with you, Mr Fido. 'Till death do us part." said Lamb with misty eyes. Fido decided to pretend that he hadn't heard Lamb's last comment.
"Och aye, ye can count on me and Smelly, Fido!" said Pipsqueak. No one else spoke up. Dill, after instructions from Gangwarf, started to load her handgun.
"We'll come!" Barometer, Leggylass and Grouchi said quickly, stepping out of Dill's firing range. Aragormless stood up importantly.
"I shall come Fido, for the future king of Front-dor should help destroy this evil thing. And all royals have to do some sort of military training, anyway."
This simple statement produced the loudest collective gasp since Luke Skywalker found out his dad wasn't the local postman.
"You're the long-lost king of Front-dor?"
"Yes."
"You?"
"Yes."
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
"No, really, you?"
"Yes!"
Kelly's eyes grew wide at this point, and a manipulative shine came into them.
"Say, uh, Arry, an elf really likes a king- I mean- a guy, who, like, risks his life for a noble, like, quest, and stuff." she said, batting her eyelids so much she created a hurricane on the other side of the world.
"Fear not, fair Kelly. I shall return from this perilous journey and make you Queen of all Front-dor, if you so desire."
"Desire? Hell, yes! I'm gonna be a queen!! Now who's the real queen of pop, Christina?" she yelled. "I, uh, of course, my one true love." she added sweetly. Aragormless turned to the rest of the Fellowship.
"Well, no time like the present! The quicker we get going, the quicker I get married!" he said cheerily, striding away to pack with a slight spring to his step. The rest of the newly formed Fellowship of the Ring-pull shuffled glumly after him. Kelly, Ozzy and the now awake Bigblo were left alone in the hall, staring at the Fellowship as they tally hoed onwards to the next chapter.
"Suckers."