Chapter Seven
Mirror, Mirror, In The Pool, Isn't LoatheLorraine Really Cool?
The Fellowship, less one wizard, hastily ran down the winding pathway that lead away from Morris-Dancia's back door. Trotter ran as though a carrot was dangling in front of him, and by nightfall, he had lead the remainder of the Fellowship to the woods of LoatheLorraine, of which many tales tell.
The air was sparkly and filled with the high pitched twitter of snakes and the low hiss of birds, and Fido noticed with alarm that his watch was running anticlockwise, and that Leggylass' fluffy tipped arrows and pink quiver suddenly did not seem so out of place.
"Ve're in elf country." Said Grouchi, giving an expression that would've, if it were possible, killed a small rodent.
"Oh, don't let that flapjack put you off," said Leggylass happily. "Just because we elves set a bad example for teenagers, constantly complain about our perfect lives and looks, shamelessly promote ourselves on reality TV shows, smoke like fishes and drink like chimneys........ uh, where was I going with this? Oh, yes, LoatheLorraine is the homeland of the great and noble elves Meladriel and Deseborn, elf queen and king of daytime chat."
"Never heard of them." Said Smelly.
"They came to Middly-Squat Earth long ago, it being the only place they could get a broadcasting licence." Continued Leggylass. "They wanted to put the talk-show hostess elf Lorraine out of business, because her show bored the pants off every living elf, and was the suspected cause of death for a few others. Eventually, they found a little studio here in the woods near the Mouldy Mountains, began broadcasting in the dying days of the First Age, and TV history was made."
"Neat. Do they have decent bathroom facilities?" asked Aragormless. "I haven't been since Chip'n'Dell."
Presently they came to the borders of LoatheLorraine, and were waylaid by several stressed looking elves with clipboards and headphones. A middle-aged elf stepped forwards, who appeared to be their leader.
"Right, yeah, got them." He said into a microphone on his headphones. "Scruffy looking bunch, or is that just part of the act? No, they don't have the wizard with them. He's not really essential to the group, though, is he? Yeah, I'll ask them." The elf covered his microphone and turned to the Fellowship.
"Do you need make-up, or are you going on as you are?"
The bewildered Fellowship was then frogmarched by the elves through the wood and into a square warehouse building. They were lead down many grey, featureless, identical corridors until they were pushed into a huge dark chamber, filled with lights and sound equipment and elves rushing to and fro, carrying scripts, trays of make-up and large cups of coffee.
Another elf came up to the Fellowship.
"Greetings." He said, bowing low. "I am Kil-roi, the floor manager. Meladriel and Deseborn await you over there," he indicated to a very bright area of the hall, where a tall, slightly neurotic-looking female elf and a shorter, tangerine coloured male elf were being fussed over by the make-up department. "Right, you're on in five. Just read the autocue and you'll be fine." Kil-roi said.
Loud music began to play, and Meladriel and Deseborn stepped onto the set.
"Welcome to the show." Said Deseborn. "Today we've got a real treat for you elves at home." He smiled at the camera, showing a full set of very white falsies.
"That's right," continued Meladriel, "On set with us today is a group that's come a long way since they started out at a small gig back in the Shy-er. Give a great big elf welcome to the mysteriously named Fellowship of the Ring-pull!" she grinned at the camera like her co-host.
"You're on!" said Kil-roi, shoving the assorted members of the Fellowship on the stage.
Meladriel and Deseborn arose and welcomed the company onto the cream sofa next to where they were sitting.
"So," said Meladriel, "We hear this first book's been quite an adventure for the nine of you."
"Adventure is an understatement!" said Dill enthusiastically. "You wouldn't believe how many favours we've had to call in, just to get the thing off the ground and on the shelves. And we've still got a good two books to go before the publishers will leave us alone!"
The interview generally carried on in the same vein, Dill doing the talking, and Barometer and Grouchi gazing wistfully at the great beauty of Meladriel, small pools of drool collecting at their feet. Fido generally tried to keep quiet, and as yet, nothing was said of the Ring-pull. To mention it now, this close to Mordors-Less Windows, would be disastrous, as it was quite likely that Saurondemort had cable, and therefore would have the 'Elf-Living' channel too, and then he would know how close the Ring- pull was to him.
But luckily, even Smelly and Pipsqueak had the good sense not to mention the You-Know-What on national television, and so the interview drew to a close. It was time for Meladriel and Deseborn to announce the winners of the phone-in competition ('How many visual effects Oscars has Harry Potter won? a) none b) don't make me laugh or c) Harry who?), and the members of the Fellowship could leave the stage. Aragormless, as he had previously revealed, was absolutely desperate, and danced a little jig towards the toilets. Lamb, Smelly and Pipsqueak dived headfirst towards the refreshment table, stocking up on the magical elvish bread called Ryveta. Dill headed for the make-up department, because she said she was 'sick of looking like I came off worst in a mud-wrestling tournament with a cave- troll.' Leggylass went in search of more Pantene Pro V, as she'd lost hers in Morris-Dancia. Barometer and Grouchi hovered near the set where Deseborn and Meladriel still stood presenting; hoping to smell Meladriel's hair from that distance, and Fido was left on his own.
Suddenly, he was grabbed from behind, and pulled out of a side door into a small garden. He looked up, and saw his captor was none other than Meladriel, who had managed to escape Barometer and Grouchi. She said nothing, but beckoned Fido to follow her to a small pond in the middle of the garden.
"This is the magical Fortune Pond of the Beeb Elves, who were the first to broadcast in Middly-Squat Earth. It shows many things that may or may not be, like next week's Lottery numbers, and has never yet been wrong. Look into it, if you want to see the future of the Ring-pull." She said, poking at a couple of dead goldfish on the surface of the water. Fido nervously stepped forwards, and gazed into the murky depths, and was shocked by what he saw.
A blue ship with tall blue sails was sailing on a blue sea, with an odd little nautical tune playing in the background.
"Is this a good or bad omen?" he asked Meladriel in wonder.
"Nay, young Rabbit, it is the theme tune. Watch!" she said irritably, and Fido looked back into the water.
He saw many odd (and to his mind, unlikely) scenes unfold in the water. Barometer and Dill were wedded in the city of Minas Union, along with Leggylass and Grouchi; Fido himself won in an arm wrestling competition against Saurondemort; Mordors-Less Windows was bulldozed to make room for a housing estate, and a small parody book became the world's biggest and fastest bestseller.
"What does all this mean?" said Fido.
"Clearly, things look good. The Blue Pond of Peter never lies." Said Meladriel happily. "Apart from that time where it did, but that was just a one off. Don't worry; young Fido, all you saw will come to pass, I promise, as long as you don't give the Ring-pull to Barometer! If such a situation ever arose, of course. Not that it would." She said emphasizing the part in italics as much as immortally possible. Fido went back through the side door in deep thought, and rejoined the rest of the Fellowship, who were causing chaos in the staff canteen.
Meladriel waited until she was sure Fido was out of earshot (which is a considerable distance for a Rabbit, given the size of their ears), and she whipped a mobile phone from behind a sickly apple tree.
"Hi, Ozzy. He bought it." She said smugly into the receiver.
"WelldunM'ladrizzul, cosifyoo'adnerr dunthathenthestoopidlitlblighta wouldaprobablee giventherin'-pulltotha mad'uman, whasisname, West B'romiter or summat." Came the reply.
"I know. And then we'd lose our wager with Gangwarf." She cackled, and hung up, knowing the £10 she betted against the wizard on Fido keeping the Ring-pull was safely in her grasp.
The next day the Fellowship had to leave LoatheLorraine, but not before Meladriel and Deseborn bestowed upon them rare and precious gifts, usually only found in Kwik Save's bargain corner.
To each of the Fellowship Members, they gave a transparent cellophane cloak, guaranteed to blend into any surroundings, and fastened with a small badge, with the same blue ship Fido had seen in the Blue Pond of Peter the day before.
"For Aragormless, so he won't have to get Kelly a wedding present." Said Meladriel, giving the king a voucher for Marks and Spencer.
"For Fido, from my personal collection." Said Deseborn, giving the Rabbit a hand-held tanning lamp. To Dill, they gave a Cliff Richard's Greatest Hits CD ("because he sings almost as well as you", they said), Smelly and Pipsqueak received a Dungeons and Dragons board game, Leggylass was given some rainbow coloured plastic Karma beads (soon coveted by Dill), Barometer was given a gold plated digital watch, Grouchi received five diseased chickens, and Lamb was gifted with a bumper sized box of indigestion tablets. Then, the Company were lead by Kil-roi and a group of elves away from the studio through the woods of LoatheLorraine to a small jetty next to a water wheel. "Behold, the Pebbled Mill, greatest Elven home this side of the Pine-wood!" said Kil-roi, and the company were filled with wonder at the huge river that lay in front of them. "This is the Dance-River," said Kil-roi. "It will lead you to Mordors-Less Windows." Then Meladriel and Deseborn themselves appeared in a huge swan shaped pedello, towing a fleet of similar boats behind them for the Fellowship to journey in. "Oy, I could have been a contender." Sighed Grouchi sadly, as he clambered into an excruciatingly camp pink swan pedello alongside Leggylass and Dill. Barometer eagerly started towards Fido's boat, a strange look in his eyes, but as he leapt in the boat it capsized underneath him, and he was forced to share with Smelly and Pipsqueak, while Fido and Lamb embarked a yellow spotted boat with Aragormless. Kil-roi cut the soggy paper-chain moorings attaching the boats to the jetty, and the Fellowship began to gently float downstream and into the final chapter.
The Fellowship, less one wizard, hastily ran down the winding pathway that lead away from Morris-Dancia's back door. Trotter ran as though a carrot was dangling in front of him, and by nightfall, he had lead the remainder of the Fellowship to the woods of LoatheLorraine, of which many tales tell.
The air was sparkly and filled with the high pitched twitter of snakes and the low hiss of birds, and Fido noticed with alarm that his watch was running anticlockwise, and that Leggylass' fluffy tipped arrows and pink quiver suddenly did not seem so out of place.
"Ve're in elf country." Said Grouchi, giving an expression that would've, if it were possible, killed a small rodent.
"Oh, don't let that flapjack put you off," said Leggylass happily. "Just because we elves set a bad example for teenagers, constantly complain about our perfect lives and looks, shamelessly promote ourselves on reality TV shows, smoke like fishes and drink like chimneys........ uh, where was I going with this? Oh, yes, LoatheLorraine is the homeland of the great and noble elves Meladriel and Deseborn, elf queen and king of daytime chat."
"Never heard of them." Said Smelly.
"They came to Middly-Squat Earth long ago, it being the only place they could get a broadcasting licence." Continued Leggylass. "They wanted to put the talk-show hostess elf Lorraine out of business, because her show bored the pants off every living elf, and was the suspected cause of death for a few others. Eventually, they found a little studio here in the woods near the Mouldy Mountains, began broadcasting in the dying days of the First Age, and TV history was made."
"Neat. Do they have decent bathroom facilities?" asked Aragormless. "I haven't been since Chip'n'Dell."
Presently they came to the borders of LoatheLorraine, and were waylaid by several stressed looking elves with clipboards and headphones. A middle-aged elf stepped forwards, who appeared to be their leader.
"Right, yeah, got them." He said into a microphone on his headphones. "Scruffy looking bunch, or is that just part of the act? No, they don't have the wizard with them. He's not really essential to the group, though, is he? Yeah, I'll ask them." The elf covered his microphone and turned to the Fellowship.
"Do you need make-up, or are you going on as you are?"
The bewildered Fellowship was then frogmarched by the elves through the wood and into a square warehouse building. They were lead down many grey, featureless, identical corridors until they were pushed into a huge dark chamber, filled with lights and sound equipment and elves rushing to and fro, carrying scripts, trays of make-up and large cups of coffee.
Another elf came up to the Fellowship.
"Greetings." He said, bowing low. "I am Kil-roi, the floor manager. Meladriel and Deseborn await you over there," he indicated to a very bright area of the hall, where a tall, slightly neurotic-looking female elf and a shorter, tangerine coloured male elf were being fussed over by the make-up department. "Right, you're on in five. Just read the autocue and you'll be fine." Kil-roi said.
Loud music began to play, and Meladriel and Deseborn stepped onto the set.
"Welcome to the show." Said Deseborn. "Today we've got a real treat for you elves at home." He smiled at the camera, showing a full set of very white falsies.
"That's right," continued Meladriel, "On set with us today is a group that's come a long way since they started out at a small gig back in the Shy-er. Give a great big elf welcome to the mysteriously named Fellowship of the Ring-pull!" she grinned at the camera like her co-host.
"You're on!" said Kil-roi, shoving the assorted members of the Fellowship on the stage.
Meladriel and Deseborn arose and welcomed the company onto the cream sofa next to where they were sitting.
"So," said Meladriel, "We hear this first book's been quite an adventure for the nine of you."
"Adventure is an understatement!" said Dill enthusiastically. "You wouldn't believe how many favours we've had to call in, just to get the thing off the ground and on the shelves. And we've still got a good two books to go before the publishers will leave us alone!"
The interview generally carried on in the same vein, Dill doing the talking, and Barometer and Grouchi gazing wistfully at the great beauty of Meladriel, small pools of drool collecting at their feet. Fido generally tried to keep quiet, and as yet, nothing was said of the Ring-pull. To mention it now, this close to Mordors-Less Windows, would be disastrous, as it was quite likely that Saurondemort had cable, and therefore would have the 'Elf-Living' channel too, and then he would know how close the Ring- pull was to him.
But luckily, even Smelly and Pipsqueak had the good sense not to mention the You-Know-What on national television, and so the interview drew to a close. It was time for Meladriel and Deseborn to announce the winners of the phone-in competition ('How many visual effects Oscars has Harry Potter won? a) none b) don't make me laugh or c) Harry who?), and the members of the Fellowship could leave the stage. Aragormless, as he had previously revealed, was absolutely desperate, and danced a little jig towards the toilets. Lamb, Smelly and Pipsqueak dived headfirst towards the refreshment table, stocking up on the magical elvish bread called Ryveta. Dill headed for the make-up department, because she said she was 'sick of looking like I came off worst in a mud-wrestling tournament with a cave- troll.' Leggylass went in search of more Pantene Pro V, as she'd lost hers in Morris-Dancia. Barometer and Grouchi hovered near the set where Deseborn and Meladriel still stood presenting; hoping to smell Meladriel's hair from that distance, and Fido was left on his own.
Suddenly, he was grabbed from behind, and pulled out of a side door into a small garden. He looked up, and saw his captor was none other than Meladriel, who had managed to escape Barometer and Grouchi. She said nothing, but beckoned Fido to follow her to a small pond in the middle of the garden.
"This is the magical Fortune Pond of the Beeb Elves, who were the first to broadcast in Middly-Squat Earth. It shows many things that may or may not be, like next week's Lottery numbers, and has never yet been wrong. Look into it, if you want to see the future of the Ring-pull." She said, poking at a couple of dead goldfish on the surface of the water. Fido nervously stepped forwards, and gazed into the murky depths, and was shocked by what he saw.
A blue ship with tall blue sails was sailing on a blue sea, with an odd little nautical tune playing in the background.
"Is this a good or bad omen?" he asked Meladriel in wonder.
"Nay, young Rabbit, it is the theme tune. Watch!" she said irritably, and Fido looked back into the water.
He saw many odd (and to his mind, unlikely) scenes unfold in the water. Barometer and Dill were wedded in the city of Minas Union, along with Leggylass and Grouchi; Fido himself won in an arm wrestling competition against Saurondemort; Mordors-Less Windows was bulldozed to make room for a housing estate, and a small parody book became the world's biggest and fastest bestseller.
"What does all this mean?" said Fido.
"Clearly, things look good. The Blue Pond of Peter never lies." Said Meladriel happily. "Apart from that time where it did, but that was just a one off. Don't worry; young Fido, all you saw will come to pass, I promise, as long as you don't give the Ring-pull to Barometer! If such a situation ever arose, of course. Not that it would." She said emphasizing the part in italics as much as immortally possible. Fido went back through the side door in deep thought, and rejoined the rest of the Fellowship, who were causing chaos in the staff canteen.
Meladriel waited until she was sure Fido was out of earshot (which is a considerable distance for a Rabbit, given the size of their ears), and she whipped a mobile phone from behind a sickly apple tree.
"Hi, Ozzy. He bought it." She said smugly into the receiver.
"WelldunM'ladrizzul, cosifyoo'adnerr dunthathenthestoopidlitlblighta wouldaprobablee giventherin'-pulltotha mad'uman, whasisname, West B'romiter or summat." Came the reply.
"I know. And then we'd lose our wager with Gangwarf." She cackled, and hung up, knowing the £10 she betted against the wizard on Fido keeping the Ring-pull was safely in her grasp.
The next day the Fellowship had to leave LoatheLorraine, but not before Meladriel and Deseborn bestowed upon them rare and precious gifts, usually only found in Kwik Save's bargain corner.
To each of the Fellowship Members, they gave a transparent cellophane cloak, guaranteed to blend into any surroundings, and fastened with a small badge, with the same blue ship Fido had seen in the Blue Pond of Peter the day before.
"For Aragormless, so he won't have to get Kelly a wedding present." Said Meladriel, giving the king a voucher for Marks and Spencer.
"For Fido, from my personal collection." Said Deseborn, giving the Rabbit a hand-held tanning lamp. To Dill, they gave a Cliff Richard's Greatest Hits CD ("because he sings almost as well as you", they said), Smelly and Pipsqueak received a Dungeons and Dragons board game, Leggylass was given some rainbow coloured plastic Karma beads (soon coveted by Dill), Barometer was given a gold plated digital watch, Grouchi received five diseased chickens, and Lamb was gifted with a bumper sized box of indigestion tablets. Then, the Company were lead by Kil-roi and a group of elves away from the studio through the woods of LoatheLorraine to a small jetty next to a water wheel. "Behold, the Pebbled Mill, greatest Elven home this side of the Pine-wood!" said Kil-roi, and the company were filled with wonder at the huge river that lay in front of them. "This is the Dance-River," said Kil-roi. "It will lead you to Mordors-Less Windows." Then Meladriel and Deseborn themselves appeared in a huge swan shaped pedello, towing a fleet of similar boats behind them for the Fellowship to journey in. "Oy, I could have been a contender." Sighed Grouchi sadly, as he clambered into an excruciatingly camp pink swan pedello alongside Leggylass and Dill. Barometer eagerly started towards Fido's boat, a strange look in his eyes, but as he leapt in the boat it capsized underneath him, and he was forced to share with Smelly and Pipsqueak, while Fido and Lamb embarked a yellow spotted boat with Aragormless. Kil-roi cut the soggy paper-chain moorings attaching the boats to the jetty, and the Fellowship began to gently float downstream and into the final chapter.