Chapter Eight
Bye Bye Barometer
The Fellowship sailed smoothly down the great Dance-River, passing no servants of Saurondemort as they went along, but they did see several other people embarking on their own watery quests: - a scientist, a policeman and an old sea-dog were loading their boat with fishing equipment, several hundred extras were climbing aboard a huge CGI cruise ship, and some Technicolor American types and a pale man with pointy ears were climbing aboard their vessel, about to boldly go where no American had ever gone before. That's right, a UN conference.
Everything was not well within the Fellowship since leaving LoatheLorraine. Fido couldn't help feeling a little more wary of Barometer these days. The human had taken to rowing his pedello directly next to Fido's, and when they stopped on shore he would suddenly lunge towards where the Ring-pull hung from Fido's neck every so often, either to brush off dust or swat flies, or so he said. The words of Meladriel often came back to Fido, playing over and over in his head like Dill's Cliff Richards CD. The other members of the Fellowship did not seem to notice Barometer's odd behaviour, however, being distracted by other matters. Aragormless was pining for Kelly, Smelly and Pipsqueak wouldn't stop bickering, and Grouchi had become very angry and twitchy ever since he ran out of cigars in LoatheLorraine.
After a day or so of very tiring drifting-with-the-current, Aragormless signalled for the company to stop and go ashore for afternoon tea.
Hastily the party ate their meal of the elvish Ryveta bread, (Pipsqueak slyly stealing most of Leggylass' tic-tacs), because they knew the wizard Sorryman, who had done very little to progress the plot so far, would be devising evil plans to steal the Ring-pull, destroy the Fellowship, and possibly start a small chain of bakeries if he had time at the end of the day. Therefore it was unwise for the Fellowship to linger in the wilderness.
Soon the company was off again, leaping in their pedellos and splashing noisily downstream, so much so that even the huge ears of the Rabbits did not hear a small splash in the water behind them, sounding suspiciously like a withered ex-Rabbit paddling along on a tea tray.
As they continued down the great river, Fido suddenly noticed a dramatic rise in the volume of the background music, and looking up in wonder he saw two mighty statues towering high above them
"They are the Argos-nath, the guardians to Front-dor's front door." Aragormless informed them. The statues were certainly very scary, Lamb thought, mainly due to the heavy catalogues both of the stony figures brandished in their outstretched arms.
"The catalogues serve as a reminder to enemies of Front-dor that should they ever want to buy Christmas presents or small household appliances from Front-dor, they would have to trawl through the entire brochure to find them." Continued the ranger.
"And even if a potential customer manages that, they'd still have to ask a shop-assistant whether there were any in stock." Added Barometer. "Enough to put anyone off buying from Front-dor." The Fellowship nodded in agreement, it being common knowledge that all shop-assistants are descended from D'orcs.
Nightfall fell, and the Fellowship fell with it (asleep, that is). The next day they continued down the river, but they realised that the Enemy was at work in those lands. Large signs appeared every few hundred metres on the shore, reading 'Evil Construction Underway. Please Mind Your Heads', and from the river the Fellowship could see large D'orc-operated cranes in the distance, building Sorryman's evil factories and bakeries.
"The wizard truly is evil," observed Leggylass, "using those poor birds in construction work."
"The RSPB would have a field day, if it was invented yet." Said Smelly.
Once more they stopped for a quick five course luncheon on shore, and Fido worriedly noticed Barometer's odd behaviour had become worse. Now the warrior would become very fidgety in Fido's presence, and the Rabbit could have sworn he heard the man mutter words like 'precious' and 'Ring-pull' now and again, but Barometer always rationally explained to the rest of the Fellowship that he thought that Rabbits were precocious, although he did like their ring-tones and pullovers, and Fido was forced to apologise to him.
But still the Rabbit couldn't shake a nagging feeling that Barometer had changed somehow since they started out from Chip'n'Dell. Before they started rowing again, Fido decided to confide his fears in Tomboy Dill. Pulling her aside from her cream tea and scones, Fido dragged Dill towards a small, Fellowship-free clearing.
"Dill," he began, "have you noticed anything… odd about Barometer's behaviour?"
Dill started to shake her head, but then she slapped her forehead suddenly.
"Mosquito." She informed Fido. "It's the only thing that'll stop them. But I know what you mean about Barometer. I can't believe it's taken me this long to realise it! It should've been blatantly obvious since before we left Chip'n'Dell!" said Dill passionately, Fido nodding fervently beside her.
"He's shown absolutely no sign whatsoever of being attracted to me!" said Dill heatedly. "It's a thing unheard of! Never in 10,000 years of playing the Middly-Squat Earth field has any male creature found me undesirable! I just can't understand it!"
"No, I mean have you noticed anything different about Barometer recently? Since we left LoatheLorraine?" said Fido earnestly.
"What, since he's had a wash? Well, I suppose he isn't bad looking, since the elves worked over him and got rid of that stupid goatee…"
"No, Dill, I mean he won't leave me alone. I think he's going mad, and he's the future steward of Front-dor! If he attacks me, everyone will believe his story, not mine!" Said Fido, trying to bring the Warden back down to Middly-Squat Earth.
"The future steward, you say? Powerful guy. Almost like a king." said Dill, oblivious to Fido's anxiety.
"I think he wants the Ring-pull!" said Fido exasperatedly.
"You know, I can't believe that I didn't think of this before!" said Dill, grinning. "The careers officer at school always said I should be a stewardess!" and with that, she skipped away back through the trees towards camp, Fido staring after her, awed that anyone could be so clueless.
Back on the shore of the river, the Fellowship were still only on the fourth course of their lunch-break when Dill came gambolling into their midst.
"Anyone seen Barometer?" she asked gleefully.
Suddenly the Company realised that Barometer had either finally received his mail-order Invisibility Cloak, or he'd gone missing.
Fido left the clearing where he'd been talking to Dill, miserably dragging his huge Rabbit feet through the woods. Lost in thought, he did not notice where he was going, until he suddenly bumped into a large lumpy object.
"Barometer! What are you doing this far from camp?" asked Fido warily.
""Ciggy break" said the human, puffing away on one of Grouchi's cigars, stolen in LoatheLorraine. "You're the one with the Ring-pull, aren't you?" said Barometer suddenly, a wild glance coming into his eyes. Fido nodded. "Sorry, wasn't sure. Can't tell you Rabbits apart that well."
Fido smiled cautiously, ever so slightly moving further away from the human.
"So… er…can I have it?" said Barometer, his wild stare now turned up to 'Mad-Scientist'.
"Don't think that's going to be possible really, all things considered." Said Fido, now jogging backwards.
"Oh, right. Fair enough, I suppose." Said the warrior reasonably.
"Really?" said Fido, shocked.
"No, not really. Hand it over, big ears." Snarled Barometer, drawing his sword and sprinting through the woods after the Rabbit.
Unfortunately, at that precise moment a party of Sorryman's largest, ugliest and most unhygienic D'orcs and cranes came crashing noisily through the woodlands, hell-bent on killing the Fellowship, stealing the Ring-pull, and maybe surveying a potential bakery site.
Within minutes they had the Fellowship surrounded completely.
"Yer surrounded completerley, give up the Ring-pull an' we might not kill ya! Just chop off one of yer legs, maybe." said the lead D'orc, a quite threatening creature by the name of Bill.
The Fellowship huddled together, debating what to do.
"Fight to the death!" said Aragormless bravely.
Everyone ignored this, as usual. Dill and Leggylass shrugged at each other, while Smelly and Pipsqueak started assembling the group's Acme White Flag, 'suitable for all your surrendering needs'.
But right at that moment Fido came charging out of the trees, Barometer limping after him, gasping for breath (What you get when you smoke, kids!). On seeing the situation Fido pointed to Barometer and said:
"He's got it!"
Diving out of the way as fifty huge D'orcs with B.O. dog-piled on Barometer, Fido ran towards the boats, leapt in the closest one and cast off. Lamb, hastily choosing between Dill's legs and Mr Fido, took off and splashed through the river after the Ring-pull bearer.
Bill, after a hasty strip search of Barometer (much to Dill's delight), concluded that the future-steward did not possess the Ring-pull after all.
"Awright, which one of you scum's gonna cough it up?" he said, striking a match off Aragormless' five o' clock shadow and lighting the last of Grouchi's cigars.
"I say ve give em those schmucks!" said Grouchi to the others, indicating Smelly and Pipsqueak.
"Grouchi! I can't believe you'd say such a thing!" said Aragormless, aghast.
"Yeah, usually I have to come up with the good plans." said Dill. "Great idea, Grouch!"
Leggylass and Dill grabbed one Rabbit each, and handed them over to the D'orcs.
"Dill!" cried Pipsqueak distraughtly. "Does this mean we're breaking up? I can change!"
"Hey! Give them back!" said Barometer angrily, pointing at Smelly. "That one owes me money!" And with that he drew his sword and charged at the D'orcs, who promptly impaled him on a crane, and took off into the woods, laughing wildly at his demise.
The distraught Fellowship gathered around the rapidly flagging human.
"Barometer, Barometer!" sobbed Dill, "You haven't got a brother, have you?"
"As a matter of fact…" began the ex-future- steward, but he coughed up a silver Dollar and ceased to be.
"Nuts!" cried Leggylass. "What a bummer."
"You know what?" said the enraged Warden of Edward Wood. "I am gonna Kill Bill!"
With that the remaining members of the Fellowship hurtled through the forest after the marauding D'orcs.
Fido and Lamb, meanwhile, had rowed over to the other bank of the river, and dodging the D'orcs who were excavating a bakery site, came to the very edge of the spiky hills that overlooked the Fred Marshes, and in the distance Mordors-Less Windows could be seen, like a large piece of coal blocking the view into the first chapter of the second book.
The End (for now…)
Bye Bye Barometer
The Fellowship sailed smoothly down the great Dance-River, passing no servants of Saurondemort as they went along, but they did see several other people embarking on their own watery quests: - a scientist, a policeman and an old sea-dog were loading their boat with fishing equipment, several hundred extras were climbing aboard a huge CGI cruise ship, and some Technicolor American types and a pale man with pointy ears were climbing aboard their vessel, about to boldly go where no American had ever gone before. That's right, a UN conference.
Everything was not well within the Fellowship since leaving LoatheLorraine. Fido couldn't help feeling a little more wary of Barometer these days. The human had taken to rowing his pedello directly next to Fido's, and when they stopped on shore he would suddenly lunge towards where the Ring-pull hung from Fido's neck every so often, either to brush off dust or swat flies, or so he said. The words of Meladriel often came back to Fido, playing over and over in his head like Dill's Cliff Richards CD. The other members of the Fellowship did not seem to notice Barometer's odd behaviour, however, being distracted by other matters. Aragormless was pining for Kelly, Smelly and Pipsqueak wouldn't stop bickering, and Grouchi had become very angry and twitchy ever since he ran out of cigars in LoatheLorraine.
After a day or so of very tiring drifting-with-the-current, Aragormless signalled for the company to stop and go ashore for afternoon tea.
Hastily the party ate their meal of the elvish Ryveta bread, (Pipsqueak slyly stealing most of Leggylass' tic-tacs), because they knew the wizard Sorryman, who had done very little to progress the plot so far, would be devising evil plans to steal the Ring-pull, destroy the Fellowship, and possibly start a small chain of bakeries if he had time at the end of the day. Therefore it was unwise for the Fellowship to linger in the wilderness.
Soon the company was off again, leaping in their pedellos and splashing noisily downstream, so much so that even the huge ears of the Rabbits did not hear a small splash in the water behind them, sounding suspiciously like a withered ex-Rabbit paddling along on a tea tray.
As they continued down the great river, Fido suddenly noticed a dramatic rise in the volume of the background music, and looking up in wonder he saw two mighty statues towering high above them
"They are the Argos-nath, the guardians to Front-dor's front door." Aragormless informed them. The statues were certainly very scary, Lamb thought, mainly due to the heavy catalogues both of the stony figures brandished in their outstretched arms.
"The catalogues serve as a reminder to enemies of Front-dor that should they ever want to buy Christmas presents or small household appliances from Front-dor, they would have to trawl through the entire brochure to find them." Continued the ranger.
"And even if a potential customer manages that, they'd still have to ask a shop-assistant whether there were any in stock." Added Barometer. "Enough to put anyone off buying from Front-dor." The Fellowship nodded in agreement, it being common knowledge that all shop-assistants are descended from D'orcs.
Nightfall fell, and the Fellowship fell with it (asleep, that is). The next day they continued down the river, but they realised that the Enemy was at work in those lands. Large signs appeared every few hundred metres on the shore, reading 'Evil Construction Underway. Please Mind Your Heads', and from the river the Fellowship could see large D'orc-operated cranes in the distance, building Sorryman's evil factories and bakeries.
"The wizard truly is evil," observed Leggylass, "using those poor birds in construction work."
"The RSPB would have a field day, if it was invented yet." Said Smelly.
Once more they stopped for a quick five course luncheon on shore, and Fido worriedly noticed Barometer's odd behaviour had become worse. Now the warrior would become very fidgety in Fido's presence, and the Rabbit could have sworn he heard the man mutter words like 'precious' and 'Ring-pull' now and again, but Barometer always rationally explained to the rest of the Fellowship that he thought that Rabbits were precocious, although he did like their ring-tones and pullovers, and Fido was forced to apologise to him.
But still the Rabbit couldn't shake a nagging feeling that Barometer had changed somehow since they started out from Chip'n'Dell. Before they started rowing again, Fido decided to confide his fears in Tomboy Dill. Pulling her aside from her cream tea and scones, Fido dragged Dill towards a small, Fellowship-free clearing.
"Dill," he began, "have you noticed anything… odd about Barometer's behaviour?"
Dill started to shake her head, but then she slapped her forehead suddenly.
"Mosquito." She informed Fido. "It's the only thing that'll stop them. But I know what you mean about Barometer. I can't believe it's taken me this long to realise it! It should've been blatantly obvious since before we left Chip'n'Dell!" said Dill passionately, Fido nodding fervently beside her.
"He's shown absolutely no sign whatsoever of being attracted to me!" said Dill heatedly. "It's a thing unheard of! Never in 10,000 years of playing the Middly-Squat Earth field has any male creature found me undesirable! I just can't understand it!"
"No, I mean have you noticed anything different about Barometer recently? Since we left LoatheLorraine?" said Fido earnestly.
"What, since he's had a wash? Well, I suppose he isn't bad looking, since the elves worked over him and got rid of that stupid goatee…"
"No, Dill, I mean he won't leave me alone. I think he's going mad, and he's the future steward of Front-dor! If he attacks me, everyone will believe his story, not mine!" Said Fido, trying to bring the Warden back down to Middly-Squat Earth.
"The future steward, you say? Powerful guy. Almost like a king." said Dill, oblivious to Fido's anxiety.
"I think he wants the Ring-pull!" said Fido exasperatedly.
"You know, I can't believe that I didn't think of this before!" said Dill, grinning. "The careers officer at school always said I should be a stewardess!" and with that, she skipped away back through the trees towards camp, Fido staring after her, awed that anyone could be so clueless.
Back on the shore of the river, the Fellowship were still only on the fourth course of their lunch-break when Dill came gambolling into their midst.
"Anyone seen Barometer?" she asked gleefully.
Suddenly the Company realised that Barometer had either finally received his mail-order Invisibility Cloak, or he'd gone missing.
Fido left the clearing where he'd been talking to Dill, miserably dragging his huge Rabbit feet through the woods. Lost in thought, he did not notice where he was going, until he suddenly bumped into a large lumpy object.
"Barometer! What are you doing this far from camp?" asked Fido warily.
""Ciggy break" said the human, puffing away on one of Grouchi's cigars, stolen in LoatheLorraine. "You're the one with the Ring-pull, aren't you?" said Barometer suddenly, a wild glance coming into his eyes. Fido nodded. "Sorry, wasn't sure. Can't tell you Rabbits apart that well."
Fido smiled cautiously, ever so slightly moving further away from the human.
"So… er…can I have it?" said Barometer, his wild stare now turned up to 'Mad-Scientist'.
"Don't think that's going to be possible really, all things considered." Said Fido, now jogging backwards.
"Oh, right. Fair enough, I suppose." Said the warrior reasonably.
"Really?" said Fido, shocked.
"No, not really. Hand it over, big ears." Snarled Barometer, drawing his sword and sprinting through the woods after the Rabbit.
Unfortunately, at that precise moment a party of Sorryman's largest, ugliest and most unhygienic D'orcs and cranes came crashing noisily through the woodlands, hell-bent on killing the Fellowship, stealing the Ring-pull, and maybe surveying a potential bakery site.
Within minutes they had the Fellowship surrounded completely.
"Yer surrounded completerley, give up the Ring-pull an' we might not kill ya! Just chop off one of yer legs, maybe." said the lead D'orc, a quite threatening creature by the name of Bill.
The Fellowship huddled together, debating what to do.
"Fight to the death!" said Aragormless bravely.
Everyone ignored this, as usual. Dill and Leggylass shrugged at each other, while Smelly and Pipsqueak started assembling the group's Acme White Flag, 'suitable for all your surrendering needs'.
But right at that moment Fido came charging out of the trees, Barometer limping after him, gasping for breath (What you get when you smoke, kids!). On seeing the situation Fido pointed to Barometer and said:
"He's got it!"
Diving out of the way as fifty huge D'orcs with B.O. dog-piled on Barometer, Fido ran towards the boats, leapt in the closest one and cast off. Lamb, hastily choosing between Dill's legs and Mr Fido, took off and splashed through the river after the Ring-pull bearer.
Bill, after a hasty strip search of Barometer (much to Dill's delight), concluded that the future-steward did not possess the Ring-pull after all.
"Awright, which one of you scum's gonna cough it up?" he said, striking a match off Aragormless' five o' clock shadow and lighting the last of Grouchi's cigars.
"I say ve give em those schmucks!" said Grouchi to the others, indicating Smelly and Pipsqueak.
"Grouchi! I can't believe you'd say such a thing!" said Aragormless, aghast.
"Yeah, usually I have to come up with the good plans." said Dill. "Great idea, Grouch!"
Leggylass and Dill grabbed one Rabbit each, and handed them over to the D'orcs.
"Dill!" cried Pipsqueak distraughtly. "Does this mean we're breaking up? I can change!"
"Hey! Give them back!" said Barometer angrily, pointing at Smelly. "That one owes me money!" And with that he drew his sword and charged at the D'orcs, who promptly impaled him on a crane, and took off into the woods, laughing wildly at his demise.
The distraught Fellowship gathered around the rapidly flagging human.
"Barometer, Barometer!" sobbed Dill, "You haven't got a brother, have you?"
"As a matter of fact…" began the ex-future- steward, but he coughed up a silver Dollar and ceased to be.
"Nuts!" cried Leggylass. "What a bummer."
"You know what?" said the enraged Warden of Edward Wood. "I am gonna Kill Bill!"
With that the remaining members of the Fellowship hurtled through the forest after the marauding D'orcs.
Fido and Lamb, meanwhile, had rowed over to the other bank of the river, and dodging the D'orcs who were excavating a bakery site, came to the very edge of the spiky hills that overlooked the Fred Marshes, and in the distance Mordors-Less Windows could be seen, like a large piece of coal blocking the view into the first chapter of the second book.
The End (for now…)