A Very Viral Christmas
by Jareth Valentine

T'was Christmas in Mainframe, and all through the Lair
A lone sprite was stirring, and working with care.
Sewing and stitching with red and white thread
and making a hat for his fragmented head.
He built square-wheeled race cars. He built backward trains.
He made lots of sweaters with patches and stains.
And figures and dolls (Not a one had a head).
He ranted and raved, and here's what he said:
"I've heard what they say when they think I'm not there.
I know what they think of the freak with long hair.
'He's worthless,' they say. 'He's a virus. He's lazy.
He's sick. He's a monster. A weirdo. A crazy.'
But Now I've a sleigh! I've made toys! And reindeer!
Now I'll fix them all! And play santa this year!"
His reindeer were nothing but cardboard and strings,
But Jareth's odd powers soon lent them all wings.
The team and their owner soared out over Mainframe,
And he laughed like a madman, and called them by name:
"On Smasher! On Crasher! On Venom! On Trancer!
On Romper! On Stomper! Go Wraith! Necromancer!"
Out high over Mainframe the fearsome team rose.
And, in the lead, Scuzzy! With a light on his nose.
Before anyone knew it, he'd reached his first stop.
And dismounted his sleigh with a very loud hop.
But how to get into the house? He was stuck.
Since the house had no chimney, He was plain out of luck.
"I know just what to do!" He said, scratching his head.
"Since this house has no chimney, I'll make one instead."
With a wink of his eye, and a flap of his wing,
He took off the roof and got rid of the thing.
"That's better!" The sprite said, His eyes all aglow.
"Now they don't have to go out to play in the snow."
With that, the Dark Santa hopped down into the house
and placed into each stocking a live, squirming mouse.
Then under the tree Jareth left a great pile
of packages, boxes, and a live crocodile.
On to the next house he flew, making haste.
(Since he had just one night, there was no time to waste.)
With a maniacal laugh and a switch of his face,
he threw all the stockings into the fireplace.
Then, laying a finger aside of his head,
He paused, pulled them out, threw the tree in instead.
The next house, it seemed, belonged to a slob.
But, amidst all the junk, there was Guardian Bob!
Jareth was tempted to playfully to wake him.
to poke him, or prod him, or slap him, or shake him.
"Perhaps I had better just wait 'till I'm done.
If he wakes up now, it'll spoil my fun!"
So quietly Jareth tiptoed past the bed
hoping to sneak past the blue sleepyhead,
But sadly, alas! He tripped over the wire
and unplugged the charger, which then set Bob on fire.
Bob came awake, howled, and ran 'round the room
'Till Jareth helpfully put out the flames with a broom.
"What are you doing here?" Bob asked with a glare.
"You shouldn't be here. You belong in the Lair!"
"That's what everyone says!" Jareth started to shout.
"I'm tired of that! I just had to get out!
Everyone tells me to give up, go home.
And says that I shan't be permitted to roam.
Even you, Bob! Yes, I've heard what you said.
That I should be locked up. I'm sick in the head.
I've heard what you people all say about me.
But what cheers people up like a bright Christmas Tree?
I thought if I were to dress up as St. Nick,
and bring you all presents, then that'd do the trick.
But I suppose you'll all hate me from now 'till I'm dead.
Well, screw it. I quit. Now I'm going to bed."
And without ever adding a single word more,
He turned his winged back and went strait for the door.
"No, wait," Bob then said, "I get what you say.
Nobody hates you, It's not all that way!
No wait! Listen! STOP!" he said, blocking the door.
"Look, I'll even help! There, you can't ask for more!"

* * *

A little while later, back home at the Lair,
Bob looked in the mirror, and straightened his hair.
Jareth had dressed him in an emerald-green suit.
From his pointy-tipped ears to his pointy-tipped boot.
But instead of looking silly, as an elf-suit should,
somehow, on Bob, it looked actually GOOD.
So he didn't complain, he even whistled a song,
as he showed Jareth exactly what he had done wrong.
"When you go to a house to bring tidings and cheer,
On your rusty old sleigh with your homemade reindeer,
the first thing to remember--hey! Listen! I'm talking!
Most folks don't LIKE to get rats in their stocking.
So no more bugs, no more mice, nothing slimy or vile....
And I hope you remembered to catch that crocodile.
Now, second, whenever you find yourself balked
the house has no chimney, the doors are all locked,
you should try to find some way to get inside
that doesn't mean tearing great holes open wide.
For no one in Mainframe would be pleased to know
that their living rooms are full of snow.
Have you got all that? Good. Than shall we be going?
Time's running short, and it's started snowing."
With that, the unlikely pair took to the skies
and now, with Bob steering, they went As The Crow Flies.
All over Mainframe, they flew in one night,
making several stops on their gift-giving flight.
They stopped at the Matrix house, and left their mark there,
before once again taking themselves to the air.
For AndrAIa, a sweater, for Matrix, some coal.
For Enzo, a skateboard, (Yes, the kind that roll).
But Dot would be happiest, come Christmas day,
for often, the woman'd been heard to say
how badly she wanted one, it made her eyes green
She now had her very own Expresso Machine.
Then on to the P.O., they soared with a song,
For that was the home of Wise Old Phong.
Phong, when he woke, was quite happy to get
three packs of Swiss Miss, and a new china set.
Next the pair flew on, right over a house
wherein there dwelled a young hacker named Mouse.
Under her tree, they left quite a nice treat
a bright new Katana, and new boots for her feet.
To Timesprite, they gave a green neon flyswatter
And Kit Maxell loved the book series they got her.
They ran into trouble when they got to Ray's name.
For you see, the WebSurfer was not IN Mainframe.
Out surfing the Web, as always, he'd been.
And for quite some time now, he just hadn't been seen.
Neither Jareth or Bob really knew what to do
So they opened a portal and tossed his gift through.
What astonishing luck! The right time, the right place,
The present struck Surfer, right square in the face.
He opened it up, and inside found some snacks,
a new set of goggles, and surfboard wax.
To Cecil, they delivered a new serving tray.
To Mike, a new mike (to the town's dismay)
To Hack and Slash, a monkey wrench, and Frisket got a bone.
And finally, Jareth's work complete, he dropped Bob off at home.
But as he flew back to Hexadecimal's place,
He thought of the look that would be on Bob's face.
For in his living room, Jareth left a surprise
a new karaoke machine was Bob's prize.
Back home at last, Jareth dug in his sack,
and pulled out the very last thing in his pack.
A gift for his sister, the best saved for last,
a very small statue, of stone it was cast.
Shaped like a Null, and a cute one at that
"A much better gift than a mangy old rat."
Jareth then stumbled on off to his spot,
Hexadecimal's couch was his usual cot.
And just like that, Jareth was out like a light
For dawn was now coming, and gone was the night.
But in every house, with the tree right above,
was one extra present, "From Jareth, with love."