A Funny Frontier Tale - Updating Banzai!
Disclaimer: I don't own Frontier. 'nuff said.
- - -
A Funny Frontier Tale
By: Karoru Karukaro
Chapter 25: The AFFT Pre-Finale!
Now onward to our tale!
- - -
We open to the... eh, screw it.
The citizens of Sadville were plotting something today. Oh, yes... plotting... in their evil sad-ness.
"Those Happymon are gonna get what's comin' to 'em!" a random Sadmon exclaimed.
Aaand... cue the spiffy analyzer screen!
Ghost of the Narrator (v/o): Sadmon. These Digimon are the complete opposite of Happymon. That should be obvious by their names. Their appearance is the same, though; looking like deformed bunnies. Only their colors are more drab and less seizure-inducing.
Many boxes of tissues surrounded the area where the Sadmon were working. If they're sad, they must cry a lot, don't you think? Well, you don't think this, now you KNOW! Anyway, their project was in the "huge cannon of doom" variety, very similar to BTmon's cannon, because I'm lacking ideas. Don't question my methods!
The main Sadmon - wearing a lab coat - wiped away more tears. He sniffled, "Those Happymon think they're so damn great. Just 'cause THEY had the Magical, Amazing, and Kick-ass Plot Device all along! Well, now that WE have it - thanks to our superb bargaining skillz - WE WILL GET OUR REVENGE!" he blew his nose and continued his tirade. "Now that we have a plot thanks to this wonderful invention we may do something! And to prove it I even made the new sign in front of our little town. But now... I have bigger plans! THE CANNON OF DOOM!! BWAHAHAHAHA!! This Plot Device really is marvelous!" He turned to grin at the contraption now sitting beside him.
An assistant walked up to him. "But, uh, sir, you DO know the Magical, Amazing, and Kick-ass Plot Device was made by a HAPPYMON, right?"
"... You shall be smited!"
BOOM!!
The Sadmon was blasted back by the Sadmon-scientist's ray gun. "Good thing I always carry this thing around." He turned to the other assistants. "ANYONE ELSE HAVE ANY COMPLAINTS?!" The other Sadmon fell silent as horror-stricken looked appeared on their faces. "Good."
- - -
The Chibi Beast Senseis still continued onward, looking for the Plot Device. Shutumon, who was still leading the group, suddenly stopped, and got puzzled looks from the guys.
"Why'd ya stop?" asked Garmmon.
"... Huh... I don't sense the Plot Device anymore."
"WHAT?! YOU DON'T SENSE IT?!" exclaimed Vritramon.
She shook her head. "Sowwy, Vritra-kun."
"Oh, peril of perils!! This is just not my day." The dragon-like creature sobbed once more.
"My goodness Vritramon, rather moody, aren't we, ol' chap?" asked KaiserLeomon.
"First of all: don't call me "ol' chap". Secondly... yes. I am moody. YA GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!"
KaiserLeomon was taken aback, but Bolgmon stepped in between them. "C'mon, Vritra! Let's give peace a chance~" he sang.
Vritramon twitched and proceded to bitchslap Bolgmon. Bolgmon retaliated by smacking Vritramon over the head with his left arm-cannon-thing. Then they basically got into one of those sissy slap fights. Shutumon didn't try to stop it, because it just looked too amusing. Garmmon sweatdropped, while Blizarrmon just stood there acting clueless.
- - -
DUH DA NANANANANANANANA DUH DA DA!!
"We protect the Digital World from evil stuff with our superpowers of... MIGHT!! I am Pervert Man! Righting wrongs, and triumphing over evil!"
"You're also ripping-off Sailor Moon." PMS Girl noted. "AND THAT IS BAD, YOU BASTARD!!"
Pervert Man sweatdropped. "Well, ah heh, I'll get some better material. In the meantime! We must... er... DO SUPERHERO-ISH THINGS!!"
And I'll just assume you remember who everyone is. But just in case, here is a handy-dandy chart for rememberance!
Takuya - Pervert Man
Izumi - PMS Girl
Junpei - The Phantom Nudist
Tomoki - Big Hat Boy
Kouichi - Yaoi Twin #1
Kouji - Yaoi Twin #2
Neemon - The Red Pants Wonder
Bokomon - Bookish Boy
Everybody got that? I'm not repeating myself!
"Do our superhero-ish things involve running naked through the streets of Paris covered in butter?" asked The Phantom Nudist.
"..."
"Oh, that sounds like fun!" Yaoi Twin #1 exclaimed. "But I would only enjoy it in the company of my dearest brother! Do you not agree, fellow Yaoi Twin?"
"I wholeheartedly agree!"
PMS Girl thought, 'Note to self: Remember to bring camera if we ever go to Paris. Mweeheehee! Oh, but what if something happens to the camera... WHAT IF IT BREAKS?! NOOOOOOO!!' She then fell over sobbing.
"PMS Girl, are you alright?" asked Pervert Man.
"Of course I'm alright, you... pervert!!" she angrily slapped him for no apparent reason.
"Ow, ow!! Pervert Man does not like to be slapped!!"
"And stop referring to yourself in third-person! That freaks me out!" PMS Girl began sobbing dramatically again. Pervert Man sighed.
"So... shall we be off to do forfill our duties?" asked Bookish Boy.
"But I thought we needed our spiffy gadgets and our theme song?" asked The Phantom Nudist. "We still have yet to do that!"
"Holy Hamhocks, Pervert Man! He's right!" Big Hat Boy exclaimed.
Pervert Man snickered at how "hamhocks" rhymed with another word he knew very well.
"Pervert Man is perverted!" shouted The Red Pants Wonder.
"No shit, Sherlock." said Yaoi Twin #2.
Big Hat Boy's eyes widened. "Pervert Man! He said a bad word!"
"That word's not as bad as some of the other stuff I've heard!" he responded. "Believe me, I'd know."
Oh, Pervert Man, you silly person!
- - -
"HE'S GONE MAD WITH POWER!!" a Sadmon-assistant exclaimed. He was immediately shot by the Sadmon-scientist.
- - -
Bolgmon and Vritramon had ceased their battle, mostly because Vritramon got a really bad hangnail. Shutumon wanted to kiss it and make it feel better, but Vritramon insisted that it was up to medical science to cure it. Too bad they wouldn't be near any medical science anytime soon. Especially since Vritramon is such a sissy when it comes to pain, so now he's bawling like a baby over one little hangnail. Suddenly, they heard a voice!
"Hey, you!" exclaimed a Happymon wearing a police uniform. He stepped up to the Chibi Beast Senseis. "I've been watching you cry all this time, and that is against the law! If you are crying, you must be sad! And that is not being happy! For all I know, you may even be depressed!"
"Wha? Who, me?" asked Vritramon. "Oh, I'm not depressed... I just have issues. And a really bad hangnail." he sniffled again.
"It's true!" Garmmon added. " 'specially the part about the issues."
"Well, issues are still unwelcome in Happyville!" the Happymon fumed. "Because having issues make people unhappy, therefore, having issues equals to unhappiness. And that is not what we want, dammit!"
"But what if someone's happy with having issues?" questioned Bolgmon.
"Well... I... er... ah... shut up. Don't question a Police Happymon!"
"These Happymon certainly have one-track minds." mused Blizzarmon. KaiserLeomon nodded in agreement.
"Yadda yadda, whatever. Now if you don't mind, Mr. Policeman, we're Chibi Beast Senseis with an important mission at hand!" Vritramon stepped up to the Happymon (completely forgetting about his hangnail), with his left arm ready to push him aside.
"I warned you!" said the policeman as he pulled out a minature device from under his vest.
"Gasp! Is it a gun!?" exclaimed a shocked Shutumon.
The Police Happymon touched Vritramon with the device, giving him an extreme jolt of electricity. Vritramon fell to the ground, charred.
"Nope! This is just my happy taser! Using it makes me feel happy!"
"Just - freaking - wonderful." croaked Vritramon.
- - -
Cherubimon and the Evil Hybrids made their way through Happyville, looking all around for the Chosen Children. Luckily for them and unfortunate for the CC's, the antagonists didn't have to look far. The Non-Justiced League were running around making flying noises.
Cherubimon sweatdropped. "Er, well... attack!"
"That's some messed-up shit right there, man." said Arbormon.
Pervert Man immediately noticed the villians and commanded everyone to come to a halt.
"Ah ha ha! Our formidable adversaries!" he pointed. "Come on, PMS Girl, let's get 'em!"
"Alright, alright... STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO! And why can't I ever lead an attack for once!?" she cried.
Pervert Man sighed again. "Okay, you can attack first, then."
"Yay! I'll KICK THEIR ASSES ALL THE WAY TO THE MOON!! Well... just as long as I don't get any cramps."
- - -
Commercial time! Yatta!
Kouichi: Ooh, Yatta Time?
Kouji: NO!
- Commercial #1: -
Narrator (v/o): And now it's time for - "Chit 'n' Chat"! Featuring: Lucemon!
We open to a studio, and see Lucemon standing there ready to tell his tale to the viewers.
Lucemon: Y'know, I wasn't always like this. Bent on world destruction and domination. Yes, I know it's hard to believe... but I was just like YOU - ::points:: - and YOU - ::points to the camera view:: - and YOU! ::points to a little drooling kid picking his nose:: Okay, ew, I wasn't like that...
He clears his throat.
Lucemon: Anyway, let me take you back to a time... of innocence!
Some wavy flashback lines ensue. The scene opens up to a daycare, where innocent Digimon kids are running around happily, playing and frolicking about without the worries of the hellhole that is life.
Lucemon (v/o): Yep, that was one of my humble beginnings.
The view switches to a younger-looking (if that's possible) Lucemon wearing a sailor's outfit (complete with the hat) and eating a huge lollipop.
Lucemon (v/o): I have no idea why I wore something like that... Anyway! Yes, I used to be the most innocent of children. That is, until THEY came along...
Dramatic music plays as the flashback continues. We see little kid Lucemon playing with his Tinker Toys when some bully Digimon come and mess with him. The group consists of a kid Volcamon, Datamon, and an annoying Toucanmon.
Volcamon: Hey 'dere blondie, what're doin'?
Lucemon: I'm just pwaying with mah Tinker Toys!
Datamon: Tinker Toys suck! Play with a computer! 'specially Windows, by Bill Gates - my idol!
Lucemon: B-but I like my Tinker Toys...
Toucanmon: You stoopid! Tinker Toys are so OUT! Get with the fads, man!
Lucemon: But I don't like the fads, so there!
The three gasp.
Volcamon: Let's kick his tushie!!
Datamon and Toucanmon look at him strangely.
Volcamon: I don't know any swear words. ::sniffle::
The three bullies then proceed to gang up on Lucemon, ready to beat him to a pulp for playing with Tinker Toys.
Lucemon: NOOOOO~
It gets rather gruesome after that. Who knew toddlers could be so blood-thirsty?
The scene goes back to present day Lucemon.
Lucemon: ALL I WANTED WAS TO PLAY WITH MY TINKER TOYS, DAMMIT!!
The flashback continues further, and we see a bruised and battered Lucemon.
Lucemon (v/o): But... that's when I SNAPPED!
Kid Lucemon abruptly raises his head up, his eyes glowing a fearsome red.
Lucemon (v/o): My acts of evil started small. Like, sitting on top of the slide all day so the other kids couldn't go down. Soon enough, I was enslaving my fellow Digimon! MWAHAHAHA!
The flashback shows a slightly older kid Lucemon standing on top of a podium, with the enslaved Digimon beneath him.
Enslaved Digimon (speaking in German): Führer Lucemon! Führen Sie alle unsere traurigen Esel zum Sieg!
Kid Lucemon: ... You people need to work on your German.
It goes back to the studio.
Lucemon: But how did I get so powerful, you ask? Two words: protein shakes!
He poses with protein shake in hand, as a cash register sound goes off in the background.
Lucemon: And as for my reputation's sake... let's just say I got some connections.
We see a group of mafia hitmen standing behind Lucemon.
Lucemon: Take five, fellas. ::snaps fingers::
The hitmen bow their heads slightly and head towards the snack table.
Lucemon: I even got my own bodyguards! ::grins:: Dynasmon and RhodoKnightmon!
Dynasmon: Yep, dat's us. We used to be in the mafia too... that is, until we were kicked out because of RhodoKnightmon's... "quirks".
RhodoKnightmon: I TOLD them black leather jackets did not go with white pants - especially after Labor Day - but they wouldn't listen to me!
Lucemon ignores what RhodoKnightmon just said, and faces the camera.
Lucemon: So now you know. And a message for all you bullies out there...
His eyes glow red as he pulls out a knife and points it at the camera.
Lucemon: I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! MWAHAHAHA!! No one deprives ME of MY Tinker Toys anymore!
Mafia guy #1: Lucemon-sama, would you like one of these grape jelly doughnuts?
Lucemon: Ooh! Damn right I would!
Narrator: And so that's it for this week's "Chit 'n' Chat"! Stay tuned next week when we uncover Ranamon's deep, dark secret... that she is actually a he!
Ranamon: WHAT!? That's not true!!
Narrator: Don't deny it, Bruce.
- Commercial #2: -
It's been a while since Junjun had his own commercial, so I'll give 'im one!
Narrator (v/o): This commercial paid for by the Committee of Secondary Characters.
The camera opens to a government building, where we see Junpei standing there with picket signs surrounding him.
Junpei: Are you a character who's been bashed, put-down, and otherwise screwed-over by your fandom? If so, then I feel your pain!
He clenches his fists.
Junpei: Just 'cause I'm a bit chubbier than my fellow Chosen Children, that doesn't mean I'm a bad guy! And sure, I had my little crush on Izumi, but c'mon man, look what she's wearing! I'm a teenage guy, how could I NOT be turned on? ::ahem:: Er, I'm getting a little off-subject...
He steps over towards a blackboard with an important-looking seal drawn on it.
Junpei: I've started the "Characters Against Abuse Campaign"! It's like a women's activist group, except that I'm not a woman! ... At least I don't think I am... ::looks down:: Oh, no, I'm not. Let's hear from our fellow members!
We switch to a view of Daisuke and Davis (yes, they're two different people here).
Daisuke: My dub counterpart was bashed so bad, even I got some of the abuse! This must cease!
Davis: ::curls into a little ball and cries:: The horror... the horror...
We switch back to Junpei.
Junpei: We're getting more members everyday! So if you hate character bashing or if you've been bashed yourself, then come join us and fight the good fight!
The scene switches outside of the building, where I am waving around similar picket signs.
Karoru: ::points to the camera:: If you bash or have ever bashed Junpei, I will come hunt you down and stab you in the eyes with MANY FORKS! Heed my words!
- Commercial #3: -
Lucemon is standing in front of a brightly colored backdrop, holding a can of something in his left hand. He poses for the camera.
Lucemon: Lucemon Brand Protein Shakes®®©™©®™™®©™©®™™©™®!! Mm-hmm good!
He takes a sip of the shake. His hair then frizzes out and proceeds to stand on end.
Lucemon: 75% caffeine and 25% steriods! So remember, if ya wanna be like me, drink these shakes! MWAHAHAHA!
Fast-talking Narrator: If-you-absolutely-value-your-life-you-will-not-drink-these-shakes-the-FDA-prohibits-it.
- - -
Now back to the fic!
- - -
"TAMPON BLASTER!!" shouted PMS Girl as she attacked. She threw a tampon at the Evil Hybrids. Grottomon caught it before it hit him in the face.
"What the hell is this thing?" he asked with a confused expression. Ranamon smacked the back of his head.
"Nothing you need to know about!" she said.
Back with the remaining superheroes.
"Oh dear me, what if we lose?" wondered Yaoi Twin #1. The others began to worry.
"Not to worry, everyone!" boasted The Phantom Nudist. "I've got a secret weapon!"
Everyone's, except for The Red Pants Wonder's, eyes widened.
"What? What's the secret weapon?" asked The Red Pants Wonder.
"Something that involves indecent exposure." said Bookish Boy.
Meanwhile, Pervert Man and PMS Girl were still fighting against Cherubi & Co. They weren't doing very well. Pervert Man attempted to punch and kick Mercuremon, but the villian just kept dodging. Mercuremon was becoming very annoyed - even though he could just save them all the trouble and kill him right there, but oh well.
"Stop this nonsense! Spirit Evolve now and fight me!" Mercuremon demanded, as he pulled Pervert Man's mask off. But what he didn't know is that once a superhero's mask is removed, it reveals their secret identity to ALL! Leaving them out in the open as just another mild-mannered citizen to survive in the cold, harsh world. The very core of them now shattered! Perve- er, Takuya gasped dramatically as he fell to the ground.
"Nooooo..." he cried. "All my superhero powers GONE!"
Mercuremon sweatdropped. "What superhero powers?"
Takuya ignored him and kept being a drama llama. PMS Girl felt sorry for him and went to comfort him. She leaned down and hugged him.
"It'll be okay, Takuya. I can imagine your pain!" she began to sob. Then she suddenly got angry. "BUT YOU CAN'T JUST MOPE! BE STRONG!!"
Takuya sweatdropped as he was hugged by the moody girl. He couldn't take it anymore.
"I'm sick of your PMS-ing!" said Takuya, as he yanked PMS Girl's mask off.
Izumi gasped dramatically as well. She then blinked, and got angry.
"That was a sexist statement, you insensitive lout!" Izumi shouted as she hit Takuya on the head. He keeled over further. Izumi turned towards the other guys. "Come on! We have to Spirit Evolve! Can't you see this superhero nonsense isn't getting us anywhere?"
"I guess she's right," Big Hat Boy looked down sadly.
"And this spandex was so comfortable, too!" said Yaoi Twin #1.
"I dunno, it kinda rides up after a while..." mused Yaoi Twin #2, looking behind himself. Get it? BEHIND himself! Ahahaha... nevermind.
"Aw, shucks. And I wanted to run naked through the streets of Paris covered in butter." The Phantom Nudist pouted.
"Me too!" agreed The Red Pants Wonder. "That sounds like fun!"
Bookish Boy cringed. "Ew, bad mental images... bad mental images..."
"Don't worry, we can all do that even when we're not superheroes!" said Izumi. "Well... some of us, at least... ew."
Cherubi & Co. looked onward to the Chosen Children, confused out of their wits.
Cherubimon blinked and gasped. "So that Happymon was right! Things ARE way out of balance!"
- - -
As if on cue, Lucemon arrived on the scene, with Dynasmon standing beside him. But they were unseen by everyone else.
Lucemon chuckled evilly to himself. "Perfect."
RhodoKnightmon caught up with them, now wearing a bright pink sweater.
"Do you guys like it? It was on sale!" RhodoKnightmon gushed.
Dynasmon took a few steps away from the flamboyant fellow as Lucemon sighed and slapped his forehead.
"This might be a little tougher than I thought." he said to himself.
- End of Chapter 25! Banzai! -
A/n: Holy crap! How long has it been since I updated this thing!? Lesse... last update was on August 7th... and it's December. Oi. Expect the next chapter to be rather long since I have so much stuff to cover in the last chapter. Yes, the last chapter! ::clasps hands to face and gasps::
Anyway, I'll try to update as soon as I can (instead of in five month's time). I've just had zero motivation and I wrote myself into a corner again. I think I've broken out of it, but eh. Who knows. ::shrugs:: Okay, enough of my rambling, stick around for chapter 26 of AFFT! And don't forget to review!
- Karoru
Disclaimer: I don't own Frontier. 'nuff said.
- - -
A Funny Frontier Tale
By: Karoru Karukaro
Chapter 25: The AFFT Pre-Finale!
Now onward to our tale!
- - -
We open to the... eh, screw it.
The citizens of Sadville were plotting something today. Oh, yes... plotting... in their evil sad-ness.
"Those Happymon are gonna get what's comin' to 'em!" a random Sadmon exclaimed.
Aaand... cue the spiffy analyzer screen!
Ghost of the Narrator (v/o): Sadmon. These Digimon are the complete opposite of Happymon. That should be obvious by their names. Their appearance is the same, though; looking like deformed bunnies. Only their colors are more drab and less seizure-inducing.
Many boxes of tissues surrounded the area where the Sadmon were working. If they're sad, they must cry a lot, don't you think? Well, you don't think this, now you KNOW! Anyway, their project was in the "huge cannon of doom" variety, very similar to BTmon's cannon, because I'm lacking ideas. Don't question my methods!
The main Sadmon - wearing a lab coat - wiped away more tears. He sniffled, "Those Happymon think they're so damn great. Just 'cause THEY had the Magical, Amazing, and Kick-ass Plot Device all along! Well, now that WE have it - thanks to our superb bargaining skillz - WE WILL GET OUR REVENGE!" he blew his nose and continued his tirade. "Now that we have a plot thanks to this wonderful invention we may do something! And to prove it I even made the new sign in front of our little town. But now... I have bigger plans! THE CANNON OF DOOM!! BWAHAHAHAHA!! This Plot Device really is marvelous!" He turned to grin at the contraption now sitting beside him.
An assistant walked up to him. "But, uh, sir, you DO know the Magical, Amazing, and Kick-ass Plot Device was made by a HAPPYMON, right?"
"... You shall be smited!"
BOOM!!
The Sadmon was blasted back by the Sadmon-scientist's ray gun. "Good thing I always carry this thing around." He turned to the other assistants. "ANYONE ELSE HAVE ANY COMPLAINTS?!" The other Sadmon fell silent as horror-stricken looked appeared on their faces. "Good."
- - -
The Chibi Beast Senseis still continued onward, looking for the Plot Device. Shutumon, who was still leading the group, suddenly stopped, and got puzzled looks from the guys.
"Why'd ya stop?" asked Garmmon.
"... Huh... I don't sense the Plot Device anymore."
"WHAT?! YOU DON'T SENSE IT?!" exclaimed Vritramon.
She shook her head. "Sowwy, Vritra-kun."
"Oh, peril of perils!! This is just not my day." The dragon-like creature sobbed once more.
"My goodness Vritramon, rather moody, aren't we, ol' chap?" asked KaiserLeomon.
"First of all: don't call me "ol' chap". Secondly... yes. I am moody. YA GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!"
KaiserLeomon was taken aback, but Bolgmon stepped in between them. "C'mon, Vritra! Let's give peace a chance~" he sang.
Vritramon twitched and proceded to bitchslap Bolgmon. Bolgmon retaliated by smacking Vritramon over the head with his left arm-cannon-thing. Then they basically got into one of those sissy slap fights. Shutumon didn't try to stop it, because it just looked too amusing. Garmmon sweatdropped, while Blizarrmon just stood there acting clueless.
- - -
DUH DA NANANANANANANANA DUH DA DA!!
"We protect the Digital World from evil stuff with our superpowers of... MIGHT!! I am Pervert Man! Righting wrongs, and triumphing over evil!"
"You're also ripping-off Sailor Moon." PMS Girl noted. "AND THAT IS BAD, YOU BASTARD!!"
Pervert Man sweatdropped. "Well, ah heh, I'll get some better material. In the meantime! We must... er... DO SUPERHERO-ISH THINGS!!"
And I'll just assume you remember who everyone is. But just in case, here is a handy-dandy chart for rememberance!
Takuya - Pervert Man
Izumi - PMS Girl
Junpei - The Phantom Nudist
Tomoki - Big Hat Boy
Kouichi - Yaoi Twin #1
Kouji - Yaoi Twin #2
Neemon - The Red Pants Wonder
Bokomon - Bookish Boy
Everybody got that? I'm not repeating myself!
"Do our superhero-ish things involve running naked through the streets of Paris covered in butter?" asked The Phantom Nudist.
"..."
"Oh, that sounds like fun!" Yaoi Twin #1 exclaimed. "But I would only enjoy it in the company of my dearest brother! Do you not agree, fellow Yaoi Twin?"
"I wholeheartedly agree!"
PMS Girl thought, 'Note to self: Remember to bring camera if we ever go to Paris. Mweeheehee! Oh, but what if something happens to the camera... WHAT IF IT BREAKS?! NOOOOOOO!!' She then fell over sobbing.
"PMS Girl, are you alright?" asked Pervert Man.
"Of course I'm alright, you... pervert!!" she angrily slapped him for no apparent reason.
"Ow, ow!! Pervert Man does not like to be slapped!!"
"And stop referring to yourself in third-person! That freaks me out!" PMS Girl began sobbing dramatically again. Pervert Man sighed.
"So... shall we be off to do forfill our duties?" asked Bookish Boy.
"But I thought we needed our spiffy gadgets and our theme song?" asked The Phantom Nudist. "We still have yet to do that!"
"Holy Hamhocks, Pervert Man! He's right!" Big Hat Boy exclaimed.
Pervert Man snickered at how "hamhocks" rhymed with another word he knew very well.
"Pervert Man is perverted!" shouted The Red Pants Wonder.
"No shit, Sherlock." said Yaoi Twin #2.
Big Hat Boy's eyes widened. "Pervert Man! He said a bad word!"
"That word's not as bad as some of the other stuff I've heard!" he responded. "Believe me, I'd know."
Oh, Pervert Man, you silly person!
- - -
"HE'S GONE MAD WITH POWER!!" a Sadmon-assistant exclaimed. He was immediately shot by the Sadmon-scientist.
- - -
Bolgmon and Vritramon had ceased their battle, mostly because Vritramon got a really bad hangnail. Shutumon wanted to kiss it and make it feel better, but Vritramon insisted that it was up to medical science to cure it. Too bad they wouldn't be near any medical science anytime soon. Especially since Vritramon is such a sissy when it comes to pain, so now he's bawling like a baby over one little hangnail. Suddenly, they heard a voice!
"Hey, you!" exclaimed a Happymon wearing a police uniform. He stepped up to the Chibi Beast Senseis. "I've been watching you cry all this time, and that is against the law! If you are crying, you must be sad! And that is not being happy! For all I know, you may even be depressed!"
"Wha? Who, me?" asked Vritramon. "Oh, I'm not depressed... I just have issues. And a really bad hangnail." he sniffled again.
"It's true!" Garmmon added. " 'specially the part about the issues."
"Well, issues are still unwelcome in Happyville!" the Happymon fumed. "Because having issues make people unhappy, therefore, having issues equals to unhappiness. And that is not what we want, dammit!"
"But what if someone's happy with having issues?" questioned Bolgmon.
"Well... I... er... ah... shut up. Don't question a Police Happymon!"
"These Happymon certainly have one-track minds." mused Blizzarmon. KaiserLeomon nodded in agreement.
"Yadda yadda, whatever. Now if you don't mind, Mr. Policeman, we're Chibi Beast Senseis with an important mission at hand!" Vritramon stepped up to the Happymon (completely forgetting about his hangnail), with his left arm ready to push him aside.
"I warned you!" said the policeman as he pulled out a minature device from under his vest.
"Gasp! Is it a gun!?" exclaimed a shocked Shutumon.
The Police Happymon touched Vritramon with the device, giving him an extreme jolt of electricity. Vritramon fell to the ground, charred.
"Nope! This is just my happy taser! Using it makes me feel happy!"
"Just - freaking - wonderful." croaked Vritramon.
- - -
Cherubimon and the Evil Hybrids made their way through Happyville, looking all around for the Chosen Children. Luckily for them and unfortunate for the CC's, the antagonists didn't have to look far. The Non-Justiced League were running around making flying noises.
Cherubimon sweatdropped. "Er, well... attack!"
"That's some messed-up shit right there, man." said Arbormon.
Pervert Man immediately noticed the villians and commanded everyone to come to a halt.
"Ah ha ha! Our formidable adversaries!" he pointed. "Come on, PMS Girl, let's get 'em!"
"Alright, alright... STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO! And why can't I ever lead an attack for once!?" she cried.
Pervert Man sighed again. "Okay, you can attack first, then."
"Yay! I'll KICK THEIR ASSES ALL THE WAY TO THE MOON!! Well... just as long as I don't get any cramps."
- - -
Commercial time! Yatta!
Kouichi: Ooh, Yatta Time?
Kouji: NO!
- Commercial #1: -
Narrator (v/o): And now it's time for - "Chit 'n' Chat"! Featuring: Lucemon!
We open to a studio, and see Lucemon standing there ready to tell his tale to the viewers.
Lucemon: Y'know, I wasn't always like this. Bent on world destruction and domination. Yes, I know it's hard to believe... but I was just like YOU - ::points:: - and YOU - ::points to the camera view:: - and YOU! ::points to a little drooling kid picking his nose:: Okay, ew, I wasn't like that...
He clears his throat.
Lucemon: Anyway, let me take you back to a time... of innocence!
Some wavy flashback lines ensue. The scene opens up to a daycare, where innocent Digimon kids are running around happily, playing and frolicking about without the worries of the hellhole that is life.
Lucemon (v/o): Yep, that was one of my humble beginnings.
The view switches to a younger-looking (if that's possible) Lucemon wearing a sailor's outfit (complete with the hat) and eating a huge lollipop.
Lucemon (v/o): I have no idea why I wore something like that... Anyway! Yes, I used to be the most innocent of children. That is, until THEY came along...
Dramatic music plays as the flashback continues. We see little kid Lucemon playing with his Tinker Toys when some bully Digimon come and mess with him. The group consists of a kid Volcamon, Datamon, and an annoying Toucanmon.
Volcamon: Hey 'dere blondie, what're doin'?
Lucemon: I'm just pwaying with mah Tinker Toys!
Datamon: Tinker Toys suck! Play with a computer! 'specially Windows, by Bill Gates - my idol!
Lucemon: B-but I like my Tinker Toys...
Toucanmon: You stoopid! Tinker Toys are so OUT! Get with the fads, man!
Lucemon: But I don't like the fads, so there!
The three gasp.
Volcamon: Let's kick his tushie!!
Datamon and Toucanmon look at him strangely.
Volcamon: I don't know any swear words. ::sniffle::
The three bullies then proceed to gang up on Lucemon, ready to beat him to a pulp for playing with Tinker Toys.
Lucemon: NOOOOO~
It gets rather gruesome after that. Who knew toddlers could be so blood-thirsty?
The scene goes back to present day Lucemon.
Lucemon: ALL I WANTED WAS TO PLAY WITH MY TINKER TOYS, DAMMIT!!
The flashback continues further, and we see a bruised and battered Lucemon.
Lucemon (v/o): But... that's when I SNAPPED!
Kid Lucemon abruptly raises his head up, his eyes glowing a fearsome red.
Lucemon (v/o): My acts of evil started small. Like, sitting on top of the slide all day so the other kids couldn't go down. Soon enough, I was enslaving my fellow Digimon! MWAHAHAHA!
The flashback shows a slightly older kid Lucemon standing on top of a podium, with the enslaved Digimon beneath him.
Enslaved Digimon (speaking in German): Führer Lucemon! Führen Sie alle unsere traurigen Esel zum Sieg!
Kid Lucemon: ... You people need to work on your German.
It goes back to the studio.
Lucemon: But how did I get so powerful, you ask? Two words: protein shakes!
He poses with protein shake in hand, as a cash register sound goes off in the background.
Lucemon: And as for my reputation's sake... let's just say I got some connections.
We see a group of mafia hitmen standing behind Lucemon.
Lucemon: Take five, fellas. ::snaps fingers::
The hitmen bow their heads slightly and head towards the snack table.
Lucemon: I even got my own bodyguards! ::grins:: Dynasmon and RhodoKnightmon!
Dynasmon: Yep, dat's us. We used to be in the mafia too... that is, until we were kicked out because of RhodoKnightmon's... "quirks".
RhodoKnightmon: I TOLD them black leather jackets did not go with white pants - especially after Labor Day - but they wouldn't listen to me!
Lucemon ignores what RhodoKnightmon just said, and faces the camera.
Lucemon: So now you know. And a message for all you bullies out there...
His eyes glow red as he pulls out a knife and points it at the camera.
Lucemon: I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE! MWAHAHAHA!! No one deprives ME of MY Tinker Toys anymore!
Mafia guy #1: Lucemon-sama, would you like one of these grape jelly doughnuts?
Lucemon: Ooh! Damn right I would!
Narrator: And so that's it for this week's "Chit 'n' Chat"! Stay tuned next week when we uncover Ranamon's deep, dark secret... that she is actually a he!
Ranamon: WHAT!? That's not true!!
Narrator: Don't deny it, Bruce.
- Commercial #2: -
It's been a while since Junjun had his own commercial, so I'll give 'im one!
Narrator (v/o): This commercial paid for by the Committee of Secondary Characters.
The camera opens to a government building, where we see Junpei standing there with picket signs surrounding him.
Junpei: Are you a character who's been bashed, put-down, and otherwise screwed-over by your fandom? If so, then I feel your pain!
He clenches his fists.
Junpei: Just 'cause I'm a bit chubbier than my fellow Chosen Children, that doesn't mean I'm a bad guy! And sure, I had my little crush on Izumi, but c'mon man, look what she's wearing! I'm a teenage guy, how could I NOT be turned on? ::ahem:: Er, I'm getting a little off-subject...
He steps over towards a blackboard with an important-looking seal drawn on it.
Junpei: I've started the "Characters Against Abuse Campaign"! It's like a women's activist group, except that I'm not a woman! ... At least I don't think I am... ::looks down:: Oh, no, I'm not. Let's hear from our fellow members!
We switch to a view of Daisuke and Davis (yes, they're two different people here).
Daisuke: My dub counterpart was bashed so bad, even I got some of the abuse! This must cease!
Davis: ::curls into a little ball and cries:: The horror... the horror...
We switch back to Junpei.
Junpei: We're getting more members everyday! So if you hate character bashing or if you've been bashed yourself, then come join us and fight the good fight!
The scene switches outside of the building, where I am waving around similar picket signs.
Karoru: ::points to the camera:: If you bash or have ever bashed Junpei, I will come hunt you down and stab you in the eyes with MANY FORKS! Heed my words!
- Commercial #3: -
Lucemon is standing in front of a brightly colored backdrop, holding a can of something in his left hand. He poses for the camera.
Lucemon: Lucemon Brand Protein Shakes®®©™©®™™®©™©®™™©™®!! Mm-hmm good!
He takes a sip of the shake. His hair then frizzes out and proceeds to stand on end.
Lucemon: 75% caffeine and 25% steriods! So remember, if ya wanna be like me, drink these shakes! MWAHAHAHA!
Fast-talking Narrator: If-you-absolutely-value-your-life-you-will-not-drink-these-shakes-the-FDA-prohibits-it.
- - -
Now back to the fic!
- - -
"TAMPON BLASTER!!" shouted PMS Girl as she attacked. She threw a tampon at the Evil Hybrids. Grottomon caught it before it hit him in the face.
"What the hell is this thing?" he asked with a confused expression. Ranamon smacked the back of his head.
"Nothing you need to know about!" she said.
Back with the remaining superheroes.
"Oh dear me, what if we lose?" wondered Yaoi Twin #1. The others began to worry.
"Not to worry, everyone!" boasted The Phantom Nudist. "I've got a secret weapon!"
Everyone's, except for The Red Pants Wonder's, eyes widened.
"What? What's the secret weapon?" asked The Red Pants Wonder.
"Something that involves indecent exposure." said Bookish Boy.
Meanwhile, Pervert Man and PMS Girl were still fighting against Cherubi & Co. They weren't doing very well. Pervert Man attempted to punch and kick Mercuremon, but the villian just kept dodging. Mercuremon was becoming very annoyed - even though he could just save them all the trouble and kill him right there, but oh well.
"Stop this nonsense! Spirit Evolve now and fight me!" Mercuremon demanded, as he pulled Pervert Man's mask off. But what he didn't know is that once a superhero's mask is removed, it reveals their secret identity to ALL! Leaving them out in the open as just another mild-mannered citizen to survive in the cold, harsh world. The very core of them now shattered! Perve- er, Takuya gasped dramatically as he fell to the ground.
"Nooooo..." he cried. "All my superhero powers GONE!"
Mercuremon sweatdropped. "What superhero powers?"
Takuya ignored him and kept being a drama llama. PMS Girl felt sorry for him and went to comfort him. She leaned down and hugged him.
"It'll be okay, Takuya. I can imagine your pain!" she began to sob. Then she suddenly got angry. "BUT YOU CAN'T JUST MOPE! BE STRONG!!"
Takuya sweatdropped as he was hugged by the moody girl. He couldn't take it anymore.
"I'm sick of your PMS-ing!" said Takuya, as he yanked PMS Girl's mask off.
Izumi gasped dramatically as well. She then blinked, and got angry.
"That was a sexist statement, you insensitive lout!" Izumi shouted as she hit Takuya on the head. He keeled over further. Izumi turned towards the other guys. "Come on! We have to Spirit Evolve! Can't you see this superhero nonsense isn't getting us anywhere?"
"I guess she's right," Big Hat Boy looked down sadly.
"And this spandex was so comfortable, too!" said Yaoi Twin #1.
"I dunno, it kinda rides up after a while..." mused Yaoi Twin #2, looking behind himself. Get it? BEHIND himself! Ahahaha... nevermind.
"Aw, shucks. And I wanted to run naked through the streets of Paris covered in butter." The Phantom Nudist pouted.
"Me too!" agreed The Red Pants Wonder. "That sounds like fun!"
Bookish Boy cringed. "Ew, bad mental images... bad mental images..."
"Don't worry, we can all do that even when we're not superheroes!" said Izumi. "Well... some of us, at least... ew."
Cherubi & Co. looked onward to the Chosen Children, confused out of their wits.
Cherubimon blinked and gasped. "So that Happymon was right! Things ARE way out of balance!"
- - -
As if on cue, Lucemon arrived on the scene, with Dynasmon standing beside him. But they were unseen by everyone else.
Lucemon chuckled evilly to himself. "Perfect."
RhodoKnightmon caught up with them, now wearing a bright pink sweater.
"Do you guys like it? It was on sale!" RhodoKnightmon gushed.
Dynasmon took a few steps away from the flamboyant fellow as Lucemon sighed and slapped his forehead.
"This might be a little tougher than I thought." he said to himself.
- End of Chapter 25! Banzai! -
A/n: Holy crap! How long has it been since I updated this thing!? Lesse... last update was on August 7th... and it's December. Oi. Expect the next chapter to be rather long since I have so much stuff to cover in the last chapter. Yes, the last chapter! ::clasps hands to face and gasps::
Anyway, I'll try to update as soon as I can (instead of in five month's time). I've just had zero motivation and I wrote myself into a corner again. I think I've broken out of it, but eh. Who knows. ::shrugs:: Okay, enough of my rambling, stick around for chapter 26 of AFFT! And don't forget to review!
- Karoru