Guilt Whispers To Me
Everybody says it's not my fault, but I've always thought otherwise. Dallas got really frustrated once, "It wasn't your fault; you couldn't have known that the White Fang was planning an ambush on the orphanage. You were 7 years old for crying out loud. SO STOP BLAMING YOURSELF!" waving his arms madly, he cried out in sheer annoyance.
I didn't listen to him though, I knew he was just trying to cheer me up and I thank him for that, but this not something I can ever forgive myself for. If I didn't go and steal that mobile suit for the gang, the orphanage wouldn't have been attacked and sister Helen would not have had to die that day. I remember it as if it happened yesterday; there was nothing left of the church, just a pile of rubble. Buried under the dirt and stone was the gang and my family. I held sister Helen in my arms, shouting, begging for someone to come help me; nobody cared thought, they were left to die. She wished me a happier life, that she loves me very much and died staring at the sky longingly. Then, she was in heaven, with all the kids and father Maxwell; I was left behind to mourn and grieve their deaths.
***
Why can't he see that it was NOT his fault? How could he have known what would happen in the future anyway? The orphanage would have been attacked with or without him; plus it was burnt down ten years ago! I met Duo when he was twelve and have been like a big brother to him ever since. He really is a sweet kid: helping out where ever he can, never complaining about jobs assigned to him, straight A student... his only flaw s going to cost him his life if he continues this way. Duo needs to get over his guilt regarding the orphanage incident.
I worry about him more and more each day; he withdraws into himself more, doesn't eat, and locks himself in his room all the time... he's afraid of going outside now. He claimed to hear voices about a month ago and now, he says he sees their faces. "The ghost," Duo whispers, face pale and frightened, "they are the people from the orphanage; the gang, the kids, father Mckell, and sister Willow. She... she said she will never forgive me!" He broke down then, it was the first time in years... I know I am being selfish, but I wish he would cry more. Maybe that way, he would be able to get some guilt out of him.
***
This guilt thing is getting worse each day. I hear their voices and now, I start to see their faces too. At first, it was just a distant murmuring, then it got clearer and clearer, until I can tell who is speaking to me. Their words cut deep into my soul; I think they know it too, but I deserve it, I was their death after all. Sister Helen is the only one I can see so far, though, before long, I'll see them all. They whisper words of conviction to me day in day out, and they follow me wherever I go. Last week, I bought a gun and hid it away for safekeeping. I don't know why I did that but it does make me feel somewhat safer...
Yesterday, I went out for a walk, just a short stroll in the park near by. It was the first time in a few months now. All the kids, adults, grandparents, dogs and cats, they were all dead and decaying; flesh falling off of chalk white bones, joints groaning slightly with every movement. Empty eye sockets stared straight through me, rotting teeth clattering together in an effort to make some noise. Then, there was the blood, covering everything... it was on my hands, my face, shirt, pants, blood was everywhere; I was horrified. My brain couldn't format all that was happening, then they started to close in on me, "It's all your fault." They whispered, and I knew no more.
***
The phone call came in two hours ago, and now I am in the waiting room. The minutes are ticking away slowly, I sat, just waiting and waiting... this is agonizing. I started to pace around the little room, glancing at the clock on the wall every now and then. Someone found him unconscious at the Gardening Park around 7:30 PM and sent him straight to the emergency room. Now here I am running around like a headless chicken, I feel pathetic; not just because I am acting like a freak but I also failed as a friend and a brother to protect him. Oh God, please, I can't lose him now!
The doctors are coming out, god, he looks so pale, like he's made of stained glass or something. Doctor Taiwakii. said he had a faint spell but should be fine in a few hours. I followed him to Duo's room and sat by his bed; he slept peacefully, oblivious to the world around him with the IV drop dripping and monitor beeping steadily beside him. He really is a good kid, why does he have to go and blame himself for everything that goes wrong?
***
I woke up to the slow rhythm of something beeping and a slight snore to my right. Dallas was there, his head pillowed on both his arms; he looks extremely tired and I've caused him to worry, again. "Sorry Dallas..." he's waking up now, sleep still fogging his eyes; he blinks to get the sleep out of them then slowly turned towards me. "Good morning" he smiled at me and I smiled back, all this will end today.
***
We went home an hour afterwards, Duo went straight into his room claiming that he needed to rest; I let him and walked to the kitchen to prepare lunch instead. Half an hour later I went to call him for lunch; I made his favorite that day in hopes of cheering him up.
"Duo, lunch's ready, I made...DUO!" The sight that greeted me was terrifying, one that I would never forget. He had a pistol in his hands, his frame shaking ever so lightly yet his eyes were determined. The safety was off and he raised the gun slowly towards his left temple; I rushed forward in hopes of stopping him. I grasped the handle and he gaped at me in surprise, we fought for possession over the pistol for a while and all of a sudden, a shot rang out. Duo fell to his knees and I caught him by reflex, brain turning to ice staring, wide-eyed at him. Mouth gaping open, he looked right past me. The shot got him square in the chest, most likely his lung. All of a sudden, the room's temperature dropped dramatically; figures, ghost-like shadows formed all around us. A female figure walked up behind us and spoke to me, "There's nothing else you can do for him" Then to Duo, "I'm glad you've finally came to your senses... You are one of us now." Duo's eyes widened a little and for the first time after we got home, he looked at me. "Goodbye" he whispered...Goodbye, the most simple of all greetings yet the saddest, and most depressing at the same time. His eyes stalled a moment later; he was truly part of the ghosts now. And years later, I still hear him whispering to me once and a while.
Everybody says it's not my fault, but I've always thought otherwise. Dallas got really frustrated once, "It wasn't your fault; you couldn't have known that the White Fang was planning an ambush on the orphanage. You were 7 years old for crying out loud. SO STOP BLAMING YOURSELF!" waving his arms madly, he cried out in sheer annoyance.
I didn't listen to him though, I knew he was just trying to cheer me up and I thank him for that, but this not something I can ever forgive myself for. If I didn't go and steal that mobile suit for the gang, the orphanage wouldn't have been attacked and sister Helen would not have had to die that day. I remember it as if it happened yesterday; there was nothing left of the church, just a pile of rubble. Buried under the dirt and stone was the gang and my family. I held sister Helen in my arms, shouting, begging for someone to come help me; nobody cared thought, they were left to die. She wished me a happier life, that she loves me very much and died staring at the sky longingly. Then, she was in heaven, with all the kids and father Maxwell; I was left behind to mourn and grieve their deaths.
***
Why can't he see that it was NOT his fault? How could he have known what would happen in the future anyway? The orphanage would have been attacked with or without him; plus it was burnt down ten years ago! I met Duo when he was twelve and have been like a big brother to him ever since. He really is a sweet kid: helping out where ever he can, never complaining about jobs assigned to him, straight A student... his only flaw s going to cost him his life if he continues this way. Duo needs to get over his guilt regarding the orphanage incident.
I worry about him more and more each day; he withdraws into himself more, doesn't eat, and locks himself in his room all the time... he's afraid of going outside now. He claimed to hear voices about a month ago and now, he says he sees their faces. "The ghost," Duo whispers, face pale and frightened, "they are the people from the orphanage; the gang, the kids, father Mckell, and sister Willow. She... she said she will never forgive me!" He broke down then, it was the first time in years... I know I am being selfish, but I wish he would cry more. Maybe that way, he would be able to get some guilt out of him.
***
This guilt thing is getting worse each day. I hear their voices and now, I start to see their faces too. At first, it was just a distant murmuring, then it got clearer and clearer, until I can tell who is speaking to me. Their words cut deep into my soul; I think they know it too, but I deserve it, I was their death after all. Sister Helen is the only one I can see so far, though, before long, I'll see them all. They whisper words of conviction to me day in day out, and they follow me wherever I go. Last week, I bought a gun and hid it away for safekeeping. I don't know why I did that but it does make me feel somewhat safer...
Yesterday, I went out for a walk, just a short stroll in the park near by. It was the first time in a few months now. All the kids, adults, grandparents, dogs and cats, they were all dead and decaying; flesh falling off of chalk white bones, joints groaning slightly with every movement. Empty eye sockets stared straight through me, rotting teeth clattering together in an effort to make some noise. Then, there was the blood, covering everything... it was on my hands, my face, shirt, pants, blood was everywhere; I was horrified. My brain couldn't format all that was happening, then they started to close in on me, "It's all your fault." They whispered, and I knew no more.
***
The phone call came in two hours ago, and now I am in the waiting room. The minutes are ticking away slowly, I sat, just waiting and waiting... this is agonizing. I started to pace around the little room, glancing at the clock on the wall every now and then. Someone found him unconscious at the Gardening Park around 7:30 PM and sent him straight to the emergency room. Now here I am running around like a headless chicken, I feel pathetic; not just because I am acting like a freak but I also failed as a friend and a brother to protect him. Oh God, please, I can't lose him now!
The doctors are coming out, god, he looks so pale, like he's made of stained glass or something. Doctor Taiwakii. said he had a faint spell but should be fine in a few hours. I followed him to Duo's room and sat by his bed; he slept peacefully, oblivious to the world around him with the IV drop dripping and monitor beeping steadily beside him. He really is a good kid, why does he have to go and blame himself for everything that goes wrong?
***
I woke up to the slow rhythm of something beeping and a slight snore to my right. Dallas was there, his head pillowed on both his arms; he looks extremely tired and I've caused him to worry, again. "Sorry Dallas..." he's waking up now, sleep still fogging his eyes; he blinks to get the sleep out of them then slowly turned towards me. "Good morning" he smiled at me and I smiled back, all this will end today.
***
We went home an hour afterwards, Duo went straight into his room claiming that he needed to rest; I let him and walked to the kitchen to prepare lunch instead. Half an hour later I went to call him for lunch; I made his favorite that day in hopes of cheering him up.
"Duo, lunch's ready, I made...DUO!" The sight that greeted me was terrifying, one that I would never forget. He had a pistol in his hands, his frame shaking ever so lightly yet his eyes were determined. The safety was off and he raised the gun slowly towards his left temple; I rushed forward in hopes of stopping him. I grasped the handle and he gaped at me in surprise, we fought for possession over the pistol for a while and all of a sudden, a shot rang out. Duo fell to his knees and I caught him by reflex, brain turning to ice staring, wide-eyed at him. Mouth gaping open, he looked right past me. The shot got him square in the chest, most likely his lung. All of a sudden, the room's temperature dropped dramatically; figures, ghost-like shadows formed all around us. A female figure walked up behind us and spoke to me, "There's nothing else you can do for him" Then to Duo, "I'm glad you've finally came to your senses... You are one of us now." Duo's eyes widened a little and for the first time after we got home, he looked at me. "Goodbye" he whispered...Goodbye, the most simple of all greetings yet the saddest, and most depressing at the same time. His eyes stalled a moment later; he was truly part of the ghosts now. And years later, I still hear him whispering to me once and a while.