I always wanted to write a tragedy fic. But I think I did a really, really
bad job.
-sigh- For some reason, I feel nothing when I read this. I didn't cry, I didn't smile. I was just. . . empty. Oh well. ^^; I'm going to end up rewriting it, anyways. If you have any suggestions for me, I'd be SO glad to hear them. I'm thinking of entering this into a contest, so I'm going to revise and revise and revise...until I think it's perfect. ^^
Spoiler: "Reflection" (If you haven't seen the death scene, this may be a bit of a surprise. I tried to follow it as closely as I could, but I wanted to add my own ideas to it. I've only seen the scene twice, so, sorry if I missed a major part. ^^; )
OOC: A bit, maybe. I tried to follow character, but I was torn between making Kaoru the way she usually is, and then picturing her after Kenshin's death. So, she's very upset at his death (mere understatement.)
Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin doesn't belong to me.
Song: "My Last Breath", by Evanescence. It is also not mine. But it is a really cool song. ^^
I really hope you all like it! I kinda am proud of it...It sure is my longest one shot I've ever done.
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{Hold on to me, love. You know I can't stay long.}
Kenshin saw it coming around the corner. The man could hardly see his own hand in front of his face, let alone any object ten yards away, but he could feel her. Her presence and aura were always so breathtakingly beautiful. Not in appearance, necessarily, but in wholeness. So ethereal, like an angel, was her spirit. Unlike his own actions, she was always there when he needed her most; it didn't surprise him she had found him now. He felt so horrible that he had made her wait like this. It had ruined the latter part of his life, and most of hers. She could have been so happy with someone else, he knew. He felt too selfish taking her for his own, but she insisted she could only be happy with him. He felt regret, but as his thoughts blurred, he didn't think of any of that. The only thought ringing through his head was that he was finally home. He was home, and with his beloved Kaoru at his side. And that was all that mattered.
Death was creeping ever closer to him, and he could feel it's cold, clammy hands at his person, almost as if it was trying to drag him to hell itself. He pushed on, for her, and for himself. He needed closure with his wife, his son, and ultimately, his life. He didn't want to die wondering what had happened to all of them –if Kaoru had hated him for all he had done, (which he would have understood), or what happened to Kenji and Yahiko, Tsubame and Megumi. He needed this news to be at rest with himself.
He fell into her, as the two nearly collided. He felt drained, mentally and physically. The time away from her always left him mentally empty. He needed her as badly as she needed him, most possibly more. She had the others, but Kenshin had no one. That was his entire fault, he knew. He should have stayed with Kaoru and Kenji, where he belonged, but something told him he needed to go to the continent. He felt more complete because of it, in some areas, but lacking in others, and there was nothing else he could do now.
Kaoru smiled, stroking her love's hair fondly. She seemed at ease on the outside but inside was a completely different matter. She was torn from heartstring to heartstring, every last memory of the two of them happy together flashing in her mind in a beautiful yet heartbreaking collage. She never wanted him to leave her, but if it brought him solace, she would bear with the pain and smile through it. If it brought him more happiness than she did, so be it. She would do anything for him, and sitting back and watching him leave her was the hardest thing she could bear with. But, he had promised to come back to her, and she would hold him to his word. Every day she waited for her dearly loved Kenshin at the docks, knowing he would fulfill her deepest desire- he would return home.
And return home he did, and nothing left her more elated than that. He looked pitiful, she not much better than he. She was healthy before, until the last time he came home. She had gotten herself sickly with the same disease he had. Foolish as it seemed to some others, she knew it was the right thing to do. She knew there was no cure. She would die in a matter of time. But it was the only way she knew to tell him how devoted she was to him. It could not be spoken in word, but Kenshin had realized what she had wanted to convey to him so much that it would take her life to do so. He loved her just as much, and was honored to have a wife so devoted she would kill herself just to tell him how much he meant to her.
"T-T-Tadaima, K-Kaoru-Chan." He choked out with much difficulty, as they both fell to their knees to the earth below. He was clinging to her, as if for dear life. The ground seemed to want to open beneath him, and swallow him whole. He knew it was the end; it was coming soon to swallow him whole and pull him away.
Kaoru nodded, understandingly, as if he was a two year old and she was his mother. "I know, Shinta. Welcome home." She didn't know how bad off he was, she thought he was just in need of a long rest. He would get it, though, soon enough, An eternity of sleep in the earth, forever waiting for his solace. For now, though, all he really needed was her.
Shinta. To him, the name meant so much more than an address to his being. It was its own history. From his parent's death of cholera, to the death of his adopted mothers, and then to learning under Hiko. It held so much pain and so much heartbreak. But, he was touched to hear Kaoru obeying his request and calling him by it. Another sense of closure.
"I c-can't stay long." He tried to explain, his head in her lap by now, looking as sickly and pale as ever before. He looked weary and exhausted, frail and weak. The sickness had gotten the best of him, it seemed, and the younger man she knew and loved so many years ago when they had first left seemed to have left completely; leaving no signs of returning and no trace of who he once was.
She placed a delicate, soft finger to his lips. "I know, Shinta-itoshii." She replied, again looking completely understanding. "You will get healthier, and then you will be off again. But you came back to me, like you promised. Thank you."
He raised a hand to his face, gently removing her finger, and placing his hand in its place, coughing up blood as if to explain that there was no getting better –this was it.
She again nodded, realization taking the place of the understanding look she had worn before, her face paling. She knew Kenshin was going to die sometime soon, his body just could not withstand the amount of wounds inflicted on him, and the disease slowly draining his life away, but still it came as a shock. She never could imagine him dead. She knew he was gone most of the time, but he was still out there. She couldn't imagine not having to wait for him at the docks because she knew he was never returning, that she'd never see his face again. Her large, aquamarine eyes had lost some of their sparkle with age, but they were still the beautiful eyes Kenshin had always known and looked forward to seeing. But now they were welling with tears of knowledge and misery.
{All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid.}
"Kaoru..." Kenshin began, his lips almost shivering, as if he was freezing cold. They were beginning to become tinted in blue, and she knew that death was closer than she had first assumed. There were so many things she needed him to know before she had no more time to say them. She placed another finger over his lips, and then gently kissed him with her own thin lips. She pulled away, then bid him be quiet so he may regain some of his strength.
He continued with his original talk, however, needing to say some things for himself.
"Kaoru, I am. . . n-not afraid of death. I am only afraid. . . . of living without you. I don't want to leave you. . . I love you too much. I'll m- miss you." There were tears in his dull, but familiar amethyst orbs as well.
Kaoru bit her lower lip, the tears coursing down her cheeks. ". . . I love you, too, Shinta. But I am not. . . going to let you leave me now. I want you to know. . . About what has been happening in your absence."
Kenshin's eyes weren't open all the way, but he was still breathing, though labored. He said nothing, waiting for Kaoru to tell him her news.
{Can you hear me? Can you feel me in your arms?}
Kenshin was not paying much attention to what Kaoru was saying; only catching a few keywords and nodding when he thought it appropriate to do so. He felt himself slipping even further away, and he wondered if he was still there at all. If maybe he was already dead; just a spirit watching over his empty shell of a body and Kaoru. He wondered if he could say anything, and if he could be heard by her. If he tried to hug her and stroke her cheek, as he so longed to do for the longest time, would his hand just travel through her porcelain skin and go unnoticed. He wanted to try and affirm his thinking, but on the other hand he didn't think he wanted to know. "Ignorance is bliss" was not usually a mantra he chose to live by, but this time he had to admit he'd rather not know the harsh truth. He was happy enough with his head in her lap, enjoying the feel of her hand brushing the bangs away from his eyes, and the soft caresses her fingers made along his cheek.
{Holding my last breath.}
He was biding his time until death, he knew. He wanted to stay with her as long as possible before he was dragged away by haunting memories and clammy hands. He wanted to be in the presence of his angel until the end, because he knew she would see him through until the end, which is something he wouldn't have ever thought possible over a decade ago, as his wanderings were just ending.
{Safe inside myself.}
He knew he would hide until the end. He could keep himself alive if he did nothing. He would keep his vulnerability to himself, and not expose it. He couldn't worry Kaoru now, not after he had seen how happy she was at his return. He had only just gotten back, and leaving now, for good, would tear her up inside, he knew.
Though he wanted to know what had happened to his family, he couldn't bring himself to listen. He no longer held the mental capacity to take all of it in at once, and even if he could, he didn't want to hear it any longer. Every word and name she spoke of brought back distant and fuzzy, yet painful memories of the past and how he had hurt all of them. He wanted to apologize, but couldn't find the words to say to make it any better.
{Are all my thoughts of you.}
He let his eyes trail up and down her form, taking in every last beautiful detail and refreshing his mind of what he had so frequently left behind. She never seemed to change, even as she got older. Her beautiful sapphire orbs never lost their color, her porcelain skin never blemishing. Even her personality never faltered; she was the same lovely, caring, sweet person she had always been. He would take his memories and thoughts of her to his grave with him. She was the first beacon of light in the overwhelming darkness; a person who told him it was okay to cry and it was perfectly fine to be who he was. That he really was a human being, even after all that had happened. He only wished he had treated her better, the way she deserved to be.
{Sweet raptured light. It ends here, tonight.}
"My love. . . " He stuttered, cutting her off. "L-Listen to me, now, please. . . "
She stopped her incessant blabbering about how life had been since last they met, and nodded. "What is it you find so utterly important, Shinta?"
He didn't know how to tell her, but neither she nor he would forgive him if he didn't prepare her before it happened, before they got torn apart forever.
". . . Kaoru, love, this is it. This is. . . My end. I'll always keep your memories w-with me. You don't know how hard this is to leave you. . . "
Kaoru cut him off, promptly. "Shinta, quit saying crazy things. You only just got back. You're not as sickly as you think you are. . . So calm down and we'll talk. We can watch the sunset this evening. . . and sunrise tomorrow." She was smiling as she spoke, completely assured that he was indeed fooling himself; that his mind was playing tricks on him.
"Kaoru-koishii, you are the one being doubtful." Was all he said, but he didn't want to crush her dreams and thoughts. Perhaps she was right; he was only feeling more ill than normal. But something told him that was wrong, that these truly were his last moments on earth.
Kaoru bit her lower lip once again, the tears coursing down her cheeks as she realized he was right. He was slowly slipping away from her, unable to turn back. And she too was unable to save him. All she could do was watch as energy and life slowly drained from his features, as he lost all senses and conception of what was happening.
He was too far to be brought back, and she could only watch.
Just as Kenshin felt in Tomoe's passing.
{I'll miss the winter.}
Kenshin was suddenly reminded of his first beloved wife, Yukishiro Tomoe. How he had brutally slain her in the snow on that fateful day. Knowing that he had hurt and killed the one he had held most dear had haunted him for the rest of his life, leading him to firmly believe a man like him could never be happy again. But he had then met Kaoru, who had showed him what it felt like to be human again. She taught him how to enjoy his life and what it brought to him.
{A world of fragile things.}
He grew to find out that there was a world beyond what he had lived. There was love and the opportunity to be loved. And happiness, a delicate feeling he had not experienced for such a long time. But Tomoe had showed him the other, almost completely alternate universe. From the time they had met, until her very last breath on earth, she had given him the will to continue to live. Taking her life had left a lasting impression on him, a barrier reminding him he could never be happy; he had to live to repent for the countless sins he had made and the numerous humans he had killed. And then. . . . Life brought him Kaoru, and turned the world he knew upside down. She had shown him compassion, and friendship, a warm place to stay and food to eat. But over time. . . a long, long time. . . she had shown him love that he had never experienced before. She could and would try to talk with him, and though she couldn't readily and easily relate, she would at least attempt to. And the shattered shards of his life had come together once more, with her, and it was fragilely held in her heart, and she never, ever let it fall. If anything –he had hurt her.
{Look for me in the white forest, hiding in a hollow tree. Come find me.}
Even though she was dead, he still knew Tomoe was there with him. She was there when he had professed love for Kaoru, and she was behind him, he felt, the first time they had kissed, on the way back from Kyoto. But he sensed a relieved feeling emitting from her, and he knew she was always there to support him; that she didn't hate him for what he had done. In death, he would find her, for once, and thank her for all she had done. For once, perhaps he might have looked upon the moment in the white, snow blanketed forest with somewhat fond memories.
But he doubted it immensely.
{I know you can hear me. I can taste it in your tears.}
"Kaoru. . . I have never felt more blessed than I felt when I was with you. I love you more than you'll ever know. I can never forget you, even dead. I—"
He was cut off by a crying tanuki woman, now no longer a girl. "Shinta! Stop it! Please!" She was pleading with him to cease saying the negative thoughts, though they both now knew it was true he didn't have much time.
He pressed on, ignoring her requests. It had to be said. "I'll never forget—"
Cut off again by a few of her tears falling on his marred cheek, he blinked open his eyes just a fraction of a bit more.
She was pretending not to listen to him, but he knew she could hear every word clearly. The tears she cried reflected her inner heart of hearts, and it was broken and shattered.
{Holding my last breath.}
"Kaoru!" He said hurriedly, his breath coming in shorter timeframes. "Listen to me, now. Please, love." He begged. "I will never, ever forget you. I'll love you for eternity. I'll be here for you, when you need me. All out my name, and I will be there. I'll never forget the day we met, or the day you came to find me at—"He stopped, pausing to cough violently, his entire weak form shaking. "—Just know I will never forget the day you found me in Kyoto, of the day we first kissed. The day we were married. . . "
{Safe inside myself, are all my thoughts of you.}
"Shinta! Stop it, now, I beg of you! You're going to over exert yourself if you continue like this. I love you, and I always will, now please, please calm down before you cause more pain to yourself than necessary!"
He stopped, keeping the remaining things he wanted to say about her to himself. "Yes, Kaoru. . . "He nodded feebly, and watched her for her next action.
{Sweet raptured light, it ends here tonight.}
She continued on about Kenji, and the happy times they had before he left them for "The Continent."
He interrupted her, tears misting in his slowly fading lavender eyes. "Kaoru, my love. My time. . . has come for me to leave you."
His tone was so soft; Kaoru almost didn't hear him over her somewhat loud voice. "No, Shinta, don't leave me!" She cried selfishly, tears falling like a never ending waterfall.
"I love you, Kaoru. I'm not afraid. . . "He replied, almost mute from the toll of speaking so loudly before.
"Shinta!" she nearly screamed, sobbing piercingly loudly, only to look down and find he was smiling so peacefully.
She had to smile in return. He had never looked so at peace with himself than he did at that moment. The scar that had blemished his left cheek for so long had slowly, but surely, disappeared.
She reached to touch that same cheek, realizing that the pain of the past had been released from him. He would no longer have to handle the weight of the world on his shoulders. It was all over.
She realized this again, bitterly, as she touched his cheek tenderly, then found it was chillingly cold.
She held back tears, and smiled, as she looked to the sky.
{Closing your eyes to disappear.}
Kaoru's tear filled eyes scanned the clouds; the heavens, where she was assured Kenshin was. She had a few final words to say, but surprisingly, they were not for her beloved Shinta.
"Tomoe-san, I thank you more than you will ever know. You helped him out of the darkness, and showed him what love was. You took care of him, until it was your time to leave him. Then, you gave him to me to love, and for him to be loved. You have made me the happiest woman on earth, just to know that I was loved so much. . . by this man. You gave him to me to take care of, and I do hope that he was happy with me. But, I do know you will return the favor, and take care of him while I cannot. He is a very dear and special man to me. . . "
She soon became too choked up to speak, as she let her eyes fall shut and her head fall on his cold, not moving chest, and sobbed for her beloved tenshi back.
{You pray your dreams will leave you here.}
She fell asleep on the chest of her former lover, the tears mingling with the numerous cuts and scars he had received in his lifetime of being a swordsman, fighting for the greater cause.
She hoped and prayed that maybe it was all a dream –that maybe he was still alive and it was more than a decade ago, and Kenji was just born. They were a young, happy couple. (Or at least looked like it.) Or if not, perhaps she could at least die with him, and meet him in heaven and be with him for an eternity. She would give anything to be with him, now. He was the only man she had ever loved like that, the only one who treated her in that tender and special way that she loved to be adored with.
{But then you wake and know the truth.}
After hours of resting there with him, and praying for his return, she realized that nothing like that would ever happened. Even if she died, committing suicide would not sit well with herself, or with Kami-sama above. She wouldn't dream of it. And dying with the disease that was, like in her beloved's case, slowly devouring her life would leave her empty. She would have to live with the memories of him until her end, which Megumi said could be delayed for a long time, if Kaoru kept herself in semi good condition.
{No one is there.}
She couldn't believe it. He was actually dead and gone, never to return or live again, except in her memories and thoughts. She couldn't bring him back. She had nothing to live for; no hope of his return that she at least had while he was at the Continent. She would never have anyone to love again, and that thought terrified her.
{Say good night. Don't be afraid.}
Kenshin had wanted her to not be so upset with his death. He knew he had just caused her the most pain she had ever experienced, and he cursed himself again. He had done the one thing that he promised he never would –hurt her again. And there he was, breaking his promise before his very own eyes, but there was nothing he could do about it.
He was watching her crying over his own body, and he shivered. He never thought that being dead would feel like this, as he felt his own heart breaking. Even as a ghost, he mused, he couldn't be happy, knowing that he had hurt her.
"Kaoru-koishii. . . "He murmured, though she couldn't hear him, with him being some manifestation of himself, in un earthly being form. He couldn't hold her, either, but he was there. And although she couldn't hear exactly what he was saying, she could somehow feel his presence near her, and it calmed her as she raised her head.
"Don't be afraid. Don't look back. I'll always be with you." He promised, reassuringly, and took great pride in watching her cease shaking.
{Calling me, calling me, as you fade to black.}
"Shinta!" She called again, feeling him near her. "Where are you, love? Shinta!" She was nearly screaming, going insane as she wondered what she was feeling; where he really was.
Kenshin could do no more for her, feeling pulled away from her again. "I'm with you, Kaoru.", was the last thing he managed to say, before he left for the unknown.
"SHINTA!!!" She screamed, sobbing onto him again, feeling empty again. Going through periods of elation and sadness so quickly took an emotional toll on her.
But realizing that she was completely alone in that forest scared her, but she refused to move away from him. She would stay true to him to her dying day.
Love, not the disease, slowly killed her. Devotion was her damnation.
But she let it take over, without any hesitation.
She would hear him call her name sometimes, and she would call back to him, yelling his name incessantly.
Megumi had no medicine for her, anymore. There was no medication in the world that could cure a broken heart.
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You'd really make my day if you CLICKED That BUTTON!!
-sigh- For some reason, I feel nothing when I read this. I didn't cry, I didn't smile. I was just. . . empty. Oh well. ^^; I'm going to end up rewriting it, anyways. If you have any suggestions for me, I'd be SO glad to hear them. I'm thinking of entering this into a contest, so I'm going to revise and revise and revise...until I think it's perfect. ^^
Spoiler: "Reflection" (If you haven't seen the death scene, this may be a bit of a surprise. I tried to follow it as closely as I could, but I wanted to add my own ideas to it. I've only seen the scene twice, so, sorry if I missed a major part. ^^; )
OOC: A bit, maybe. I tried to follow character, but I was torn between making Kaoru the way she usually is, and then picturing her after Kenshin's death. So, she's very upset at his death (mere understatement.)
Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin doesn't belong to me.
Song: "My Last Breath", by Evanescence. It is also not mine. But it is a really cool song. ^^
I really hope you all like it! I kinda am proud of it...It sure is my longest one shot I've ever done.
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{Hold on to me, love. You know I can't stay long.}
Kenshin saw it coming around the corner. The man could hardly see his own hand in front of his face, let alone any object ten yards away, but he could feel her. Her presence and aura were always so breathtakingly beautiful. Not in appearance, necessarily, but in wholeness. So ethereal, like an angel, was her spirit. Unlike his own actions, she was always there when he needed her most; it didn't surprise him she had found him now. He felt so horrible that he had made her wait like this. It had ruined the latter part of his life, and most of hers. She could have been so happy with someone else, he knew. He felt too selfish taking her for his own, but she insisted she could only be happy with him. He felt regret, but as his thoughts blurred, he didn't think of any of that. The only thought ringing through his head was that he was finally home. He was home, and with his beloved Kaoru at his side. And that was all that mattered.
Death was creeping ever closer to him, and he could feel it's cold, clammy hands at his person, almost as if it was trying to drag him to hell itself. He pushed on, for her, and for himself. He needed closure with his wife, his son, and ultimately, his life. He didn't want to die wondering what had happened to all of them –if Kaoru had hated him for all he had done, (which he would have understood), or what happened to Kenji and Yahiko, Tsubame and Megumi. He needed this news to be at rest with himself.
He fell into her, as the two nearly collided. He felt drained, mentally and physically. The time away from her always left him mentally empty. He needed her as badly as she needed him, most possibly more. She had the others, but Kenshin had no one. That was his entire fault, he knew. He should have stayed with Kaoru and Kenji, where he belonged, but something told him he needed to go to the continent. He felt more complete because of it, in some areas, but lacking in others, and there was nothing else he could do now.
Kaoru smiled, stroking her love's hair fondly. She seemed at ease on the outside but inside was a completely different matter. She was torn from heartstring to heartstring, every last memory of the two of them happy together flashing in her mind in a beautiful yet heartbreaking collage. She never wanted him to leave her, but if it brought him solace, she would bear with the pain and smile through it. If it brought him more happiness than she did, so be it. She would do anything for him, and sitting back and watching him leave her was the hardest thing she could bear with. But, he had promised to come back to her, and she would hold him to his word. Every day she waited for her dearly loved Kenshin at the docks, knowing he would fulfill her deepest desire- he would return home.
And return home he did, and nothing left her more elated than that. He looked pitiful, she not much better than he. She was healthy before, until the last time he came home. She had gotten herself sickly with the same disease he had. Foolish as it seemed to some others, she knew it was the right thing to do. She knew there was no cure. She would die in a matter of time. But it was the only way she knew to tell him how devoted she was to him. It could not be spoken in word, but Kenshin had realized what she had wanted to convey to him so much that it would take her life to do so. He loved her just as much, and was honored to have a wife so devoted she would kill herself just to tell him how much he meant to her.
"T-T-Tadaima, K-Kaoru-Chan." He choked out with much difficulty, as they both fell to their knees to the earth below. He was clinging to her, as if for dear life. The ground seemed to want to open beneath him, and swallow him whole. He knew it was the end; it was coming soon to swallow him whole and pull him away.
Kaoru nodded, understandingly, as if he was a two year old and she was his mother. "I know, Shinta. Welcome home." She didn't know how bad off he was, she thought he was just in need of a long rest. He would get it, though, soon enough, An eternity of sleep in the earth, forever waiting for his solace. For now, though, all he really needed was her.
Shinta. To him, the name meant so much more than an address to his being. It was its own history. From his parent's death of cholera, to the death of his adopted mothers, and then to learning under Hiko. It held so much pain and so much heartbreak. But, he was touched to hear Kaoru obeying his request and calling him by it. Another sense of closure.
"I c-can't stay long." He tried to explain, his head in her lap by now, looking as sickly and pale as ever before. He looked weary and exhausted, frail and weak. The sickness had gotten the best of him, it seemed, and the younger man she knew and loved so many years ago when they had first left seemed to have left completely; leaving no signs of returning and no trace of who he once was.
She placed a delicate, soft finger to his lips. "I know, Shinta-itoshii." She replied, again looking completely understanding. "You will get healthier, and then you will be off again. But you came back to me, like you promised. Thank you."
He raised a hand to his face, gently removing her finger, and placing his hand in its place, coughing up blood as if to explain that there was no getting better –this was it.
She again nodded, realization taking the place of the understanding look she had worn before, her face paling. She knew Kenshin was going to die sometime soon, his body just could not withstand the amount of wounds inflicted on him, and the disease slowly draining his life away, but still it came as a shock. She never could imagine him dead. She knew he was gone most of the time, but he was still out there. She couldn't imagine not having to wait for him at the docks because she knew he was never returning, that she'd never see his face again. Her large, aquamarine eyes had lost some of their sparkle with age, but they were still the beautiful eyes Kenshin had always known and looked forward to seeing. But now they were welling with tears of knowledge and misery.
{All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid.}
"Kaoru..." Kenshin began, his lips almost shivering, as if he was freezing cold. They were beginning to become tinted in blue, and she knew that death was closer than she had first assumed. There were so many things she needed him to know before she had no more time to say them. She placed another finger over his lips, and then gently kissed him with her own thin lips. She pulled away, then bid him be quiet so he may regain some of his strength.
He continued with his original talk, however, needing to say some things for himself.
"Kaoru, I am. . . n-not afraid of death. I am only afraid. . . . of living without you. I don't want to leave you. . . I love you too much. I'll m- miss you." There were tears in his dull, but familiar amethyst orbs as well.
Kaoru bit her lower lip, the tears coursing down her cheeks. ". . . I love you, too, Shinta. But I am not. . . going to let you leave me now. I want you to know. . . About what has been happening in your absence."
Kenshin's eyes weren't open all the way, but he was still breathing, though labored. He said nothing, waiting for Kaoru to tell him her news.
{Can you hear me? Can you feel me in your arms?}
Kenshin was not paying much attention to what Kaoru was saying; only catching a few keywords and nodding when he thought it appropriate to do so. He felt himself slipping even further away, and he wondered if he was still there at all. If maybe he was already dead; just a spirit watching over his empty shell of a body and Kaoru. He wondered if he could say anything, and if he could be heard by her. If he tried to hug her and stroke her cheek, as he so longed to do for the longest time, would his hand just travel through her porcelain skin and go unnoticed. He wanted to try and affirm his thinking, but on the other hand he didn't think he wanted to know. "Ignorance is bliss" was not usually a mantra he chose to live by, but this time he had to admit he'd rather not know the harsh truth. He was happy enough with his head in her lap, enjoying the feel of her hand brushing the bangs away from his eyes, and the soft caresses her fingers made along his cheek.
{Holding my last breath.}
He was biding his time until death, he knew. He wanted to stay with her as long as possible before he was dragged away by haunting memories and clammy hands. He wanted to be in the presence of his angel until the end, because he knew she would see him through until the end, which is something he wouldn't have ever thought possible over a decade ago, as his wanderings were just ending.
{Safe inside myself.}
He knew he would hide until the end. He could keep himself alive if he did nothing. He would keep his vulnerability to himself, and not expose it. He couldn't worry Kaoru now, not after he had seen how happy she was at his return. He had only just gotten back, and leaving now, for good, would tear her up inside, he knew.
Though he wanted to know what had happened to his family, he couldn't bring himself to listen. He no longer held the mental capacity to take all of it in at once, and even if he could, he didn't want to hear it any longer. Every word and name she spoke of brought back distant and fuzzy, yet painful memories of the past and how he had hurt all of them. He wanted to apologize, but couldn't find the words to say to make it any better.
{Are all my thoughts of you.}
He let his eyes trail up and down her form, taking in every last beautiful detail and refreshing his mind of what he had so frequently left behind. She never seemed to change, even as she got older. Her beautiful sapphire orbs never lost their color, her porcelain skin never blemishing. Even her personality never faltered; she was the same lovely, caring, sweet person she had always been. He would take his memories and thoughts of her to his grave with him. She was the first beacon of light in the overwhelming darkness; a person who told him it was okay to cry and it was perfectly fine to be who he was. That he really was a human being, even after all that had happened. He only wished he had treated her better, the way she deserved to be.
{Sweet raptured light. It ends here, tonight.}
"My love. . . " He stuttered, cutting her off. "L-Listen to me, now, please. . . "
She stopped her incessant blabbering about how life had been since last they met, and nodded. "What is it you find so utterly important, Shinta?"
He didn't know how to tell her, but neither she nor he would forgive him if he didn't prepare her before it happened, before they got torn apart forever.
". . . Kaoru, love, this is it. This is. . . My end. I'll always keep your memories w-with me. You don't know how hard this is to leave you. . . "
Kaoru cut him off, promptly. "Shinta, quit saying crazy things. You only just got back. You're not as sickly as you think you are. . . So calm down and we'll talk. We can watch the sunset this evening. . . and sunrise tomorrow." She was smiling as she spoke, completely assured that he was indeed fooling himself; that his mind was playing tricks on him.
"Kaoru-koishii, you are the one being doubtful." Was all he said, but he didn't want to crush her dreams and thoughts. Perhaps she was right; he was only feeling more ill than normal. But something told him that was wrong, that these truly were his last moments on earth.
Kaoru bit her lower lip once again, the tears coursing down her cheeks as she realized he was right. He was slowly slipping away from her, unable to turn back. And she too was unable to save him. All she could do was watch as energy and life slowly drained from his features, as he lost all senses and conception of what was happening.
He was too far to be brought back, and she could only watch.
Just as Kenshin felt in Tomoe's passing.
{I'll miss the winter.}
Kenshin was suddenly reminded of his first beloved wife, Yukishiro Tomoe. How he had brutally slain her in the snow on that fateful day. Knowing that he had hurt and killed the one he had held most dear had haunted him for the rest of his life, leading him to firmly believe a man like him could never be happy again. But he had then met Kaoru, who had showed him what it felt like to be human again. She taught him how to enjoy his life and what it brought to him.
{A world of fragile things.}
He grew to find out that there was a world beyond what he had lived. There was love and the opportunity to be loved. And happiness, a delicate feeling he had not experienced for such a long time. But Tomoe had showed him the other, almost completely alternate universe. From the time they had met, until her very last breath on earth, she had given him the will to continue to live. Taking her life had left a lasting impression on him, a barrier reminding him he could never be happy; he had to live to repent for the countless sins he had made and the numerous humans he had killed. And then. . . . Life brought him Kaoru, and turned the world he knew upside down. She had shown him compassion, and friendship, a warm place to stay and food to eat. But over time. . . a long, long time. . . she had shown him love that he had never experienced before. She could and would try to talk with him, and though she couldn't readily and easily relate, she would at least attempt to. And the shattered shards of his life had come together once more, with her, and it was fragilely held in her heart, and she never, ever let it fall. If anything –he had hurt her.
{Look for me in the white forest, hiding in a hollow tree. Come find me.}
Even though she was dead, he still knew Tomoe was there with him. She was there when he had professed love for Kaoru, and she was behind him, he felt, the first time they had kissed, on the way back from Kyoto. But he sensed a relieved feeling emitting from her, and he knew she was always there to support him; that she didn't hate him for what he had done. In death, he would find her, for once, and thank her for all she had done. For once, perhaps he might have looked upon the moment in the white, snow blanketed forest with somewhat fond memories.
But he doubted it immensely.
{I know you can hear me. I can taste it in your tears.}
"Kaoru. . . I have never felt more blessed than I felt when I was with you. I love you more than you'll ever know. I can never forget you, even dead. I—"
He was cut off by a crying tanuki woman, now no longer a girl. "Shinta! Stop it! Please!" She was pleading with him to cease saying the negative thoughts, though they both now knew it was true he didn't have much time.
He pressed on, ignoring her requests. It had to be said. "I'll never forget—"
Cut off again by a few of her tears falling on his marred cheek, he blinked open his eyes just a fraction of a bit more.
She was pretending not to listen to him, but he knew she could hear every word clearly. The tears she cried reflected her inner heart of hearts, and it was broken and shattered.
{Holding my last breath.}
"Kaoru!" He said hurriedly, his breath coming in shorter timeframes. "Listen to me, now. Please, love." He begged. "I will never, ever forget you. I'll love you for eternity. I'll be here for you, when you need me. All out my name, and I will be there. I'll never forget the day we met, or the day you came to find me at—"He stopped, pausing to cough violently, his entire weak form shaking. "—Just know I will never forget the day you found me in Kyoto, of the day we first kissed. The day we were married. . . "
{Safe inside myself, are all my thoughts of you.}
"Shinta! Stop it, now, I beg of you! You're going to over exert yourself if you continue like this. I love you, and I always will, now please, please calm down before you cause more pain to yourself than necessary!"
He stopped, keeping the remaining things he wanted to say about her to himself. "Yes, Kaoru. . . "He nodded feebly, and watched her for her next action.
{Sweet raptured light, it ends here tonight.}
She continued on about Kenji, and the happy times they had before he left them for "The Continent."
He interrupted her, tears misting in his slowly fading lavender eyes. "Kaoru, my love. My time. . . has come for me to leave you."
His tone was so soft; Kaoru almost didn't hear him over her somewhat loud voice. "No, Shinta, don't leave me!" She cried selfishly, tears falling like a never ending waterfall.
"I love you, Kaoru. I'm not afraid. . . "He replied, almost mute from the toll of speaking so loudly before.
"Shinta!" she nearly screamed, sobbing piercingly loudly, only to look down and find he was smiling so peacefully.
She had to smile in return. He had never looked so at peace with himself than he did at that moment. The scar that had blemished his left cheek for so long had slowly, but surely, disappeared.
She reached to touch that same cheek, realizing that the pain of the past had been released from him. He would no longer have to handle the weight of the world on his shoulders. It was all over.
She realized this again, bitterly, as she touched his cheek tenderly, then found it was chillingly cold.
She held back tears, and smiled, as she looked to the sky.
{Closing your eyes to disappear.}
Kaoru's tear filled eyes scanned the clouds; the heavens, where she was assured Kenshin was. She had a few final words to say, but surprisingly, they were not for her beloved Shinta.
"Tomoe-san, I thank you more than you will ever know. You helped him out of the darkness, and showed him what love was. You took care of him, until it was your time to leave him. Then, you gave him to me to love, and for him to be loved. You have made me the happiest woman on earth, just to know that I was loved so much. . . by this man. You gave him to me to take care of, and I do hope that he was happy with me. But, I do know you will return the favor, and take care of him while I cannot. He is a very dear and special man to me. . . "
She soon became too choked up to speak, as she let her eyes fall shut and her head fall on his cold, not moving chest, and sobbed for her beloved tenshi back.
{You pray your dreams will leave you here.}
She fell asleep on the chest of her former lover, the tears mingling with the numerous cuts and scars he had received in his lifetime of being a swordsman, fighting for the greater cause.
She hoped and prayed that maybe it was all a dream –that maybe he was still alive and it was more than a decade ago, and Kenji was just born. They were a young, happy couple. (Or at least looked like it.) Or if not, perhaps she could at least die with him, and meet him in heaven and be with him for an eternity. She would give anything to be with him, now. He was the only man she had ever loved like that, the only one who treated her in that tender and special way that she loved to be adored with.
{But then you wake and know the truth.}
After hours of resting there with him, and praying for his return, she realized that nothing like that would ever happened. Even if she died, committing suicide would not sit well with herself, or with Kami-sama above. She wouldn't dream of it. And dying with the disease that was, like in her beloved's case, slowly devouring her life would leave her empty. She would have to live with the memories of him until her end, which Megumi said could be delayed for a long time, if Kaoru kept herself in semi good condition.
{No one is there.}
She couldn't believe it. He was actually dead and gone, never to return or live again, except in her memories and thoughts. She couldn't bring him back. She had nothing to live for; no hope of his return that she at least had while he was at the Continent. She would never have anyone to love again, and that thought terrified her.
{Say good night. Don't be afraid.}
Kenshin had wanted her to not be so upset with his death. He knew he had just caused her the most pain she had ever experienced, and he cursed himself again. He had done the one thing that he promised he never would –hurt her again. And there he was, breaking his promise before his very own eyes, but there was nothing he could do about it.
He was watching her crying over his own body, and he shivered. He never thought that being dead would feel like this, as he felt his own heart breaking. Even as a ghost, he mused, he couldn't be happy, knowing that he had hurt her.
"Kaoru-koishii. . . "He murmured, though she couldn't hear him, with him being some manifestation of himself, in un earthly being form. He couldn't hold her, either, but he was there. And although she couldn't hear exactly what he was saying, she could somehow feel his presence near her, and it calmed her as she raised her head.
"Don't be afraid. Don't look back. I'll always be with you." He promised, reassuringly, and took great pride in watching her cease shaking.
{Calling me, calling me, as you fade to black.}
"Shinta!" She called again, feeling him near her. "Where are you, love? Shinta!" She was nearly screaming, going insane as she wondered what she was feeling; where he really was.
Kenshin could do no more for her, feeling pulled away from her again. "I'm with you, Kaoru.", was the last thing he managed to say, before he left for the unknown.
"SHINTA!!!" She screamed, sobbing onto him again, feeling empty again. Going through periods of elation and sadness so quickly took an emotional toll on her.
But realizing that she was completely alone in that forest scared her, but she refused to move away from him. She would stay true to him to her dying day.
Love, not the disease, slowly killed her. Devotion was her damnation.
But she let it take over, without any hesitation.
She would hear him call her name sometimes, and she would call back to him, yelling his name incessantly.
Megumi had no medicine for her, anymore. There was no medication in the world that could cure a broken heart.
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