Title: Just to talk Part II
Author: Nan
Rating: PG-13
Classification: Mac/Harm
Spoilers: Take It Like a Man
Summary: The killing of Sadik is a watershed of sorts for Mac. Her life takes on a different meaning and she looks at the people around her through new eyes. This picks up the story of TILAM after she leaves Clays apartment at the end.
******************************************************************
"Rabb." The voice on the other end was rough and gravelly. Mac smiled as a mental picture of Harm half awake rose in her mind.
"Harm?" she said. "It's Mac."
"Mac?" The voice was stronger now and awake. She smiled at the undercurrent of concern. Despite all that had gone on between them, he was worried about her. "Is everything okay?"
"Getting there," she said honestly. "Would it be okay if we just talked for a bit?"
He paused for a moment as if he was collecting himself. "Sure," he said slowly. "You want me to come over? Put a pot of coffee on and I'll be there in twenty..."
She interrupted him. "No," she said. "Could we just talk on the phone?" She didn't trust herself around Harm. Composure was accomplished easier when talking on the phone with him.
"Sure," he said.
Mac was unsure how to begin. Before she could start, Harm cut in. "Is this about Sadik?" he asked quietly.
"Yeah," she said.
"Nightmares? Or you can't sleep?" he asked.
"Can't sleep," she confirmed.
"What do you want to talk about?" he asked.
"How's Mattie?" As a start, it was a safe topic. No loaded statements about relationships, real or imagined, as a target for Harm to verbally return fire. It was time now for disarmament.
"Overwhelming." Eight years of partnership and friendship meant it was easy for Mac to imagine the rueful smile that went with the comment.
"I thought there wasn't anything gold wings and a ready smile couldn't solve," Mac said.
"Yeah, me too. Unfortunately, Mattie has a lot of baggage," said Harm.
"Her mother is dead and her father is an alcoholic. Does that sum it up?"
"Pretty much. It was her father's drunk driving that killed her mother. He desperately wants his daughter's forgiveness," Harm said quietly. "That's asking a lot from a fourteen-year-old."
Mac was silent. She thought about her own experience with her father. If it hadn't been for a caring priest at the hospice where he lay dying, she would never have forgiven her father. "It took me years," she whispered.
"Pardon?" came Harm's voice.
Mac heaved a sigh. "What are you going to do about Mattie?" She forced herself to concentrate on the girl.
There was a pause. Then, "I've been doing some research into an organization called Alateen. Are you familiar with it?"
"Sure. It's for teens with alcoholic parents, right?"
"Yeah. A self-help group. There's one at the community center that meets weekly. I've convinced Mattie to try it."
"Which evening?"
"Huh?" Harm wasn't sure what she was asking.
"Which night does the group meet?"
"Tuesday's at 7 pm. Why?"
"I'll come with you."
"We can't go in, Mac," he said. "No adults allowed."
"I know. But we can go for coffee afterwards, right? Those groups are great. But it's very emotional and scary at times. Once in, she can't stop. She needs to let them help. That's where you come in. A support network. I can help you."
"You'll help me?"
"Sure. I know all of the ways this can go wrong. I made those mistakes, remember?"
There was a somber tone to Harm's voice. "Sometimes I forget what you went through."
"It was a long time ago."
"I can't think of a better role model for Mattie, Mac. Thanks."
Mac felt tears spring to her eyes as she recognized the sincerity. "I don't think the admiral would agree. At least not after last week's performance," she murmured ruefully.
"You have a few angry words with Chegwidden and now you think he's lost all respect? Let me tell you about a conversation with the admiral in a bar near the Blacksburg Air Field last fall."
"Pretty bad?" she asked.
"Yeah. But it cleared the air. Chegwidden understands what you've been through. If anything, he respects you more. If he says take time to heal, then take time. He is surprisingly accurate with advice, even if the sledgehammer delivery is a little hard to bear at times."
"This you know from experience?"
"You bet," Harm paused a moment. He said, "Now that we have sorted out my problems, why don't you tell me why you called?"
"Paraguay," she said.
"Ugh," he commented. "Not my choice of a topic."
"You hated it there, didn't you?"
"Every miserable second." He was adamant.
"It was awful for you, wasn't it Harm?" Mac said slowly. "Clay was resentful. I was hostile. The admiral was angry and insulting. You lost your job."
Harm was silent. Before he could reply, she hurried to speak again. "All this time, all I could see was the torture Sadik did to Clay, to Gunny and to me. Not to you."
"Everything is back to normal now, Mac. I'm back at JAG. And as far as I could tell yesterday, the admiral isn't mad anymore."
"Are we back to normal, Harm?"
There was a distinct pause. Harm sucked in his breath. "I'm not sure what normal is between the two of us anymore. Somehow, I say and do things I never thought I could or would."
"Me too. I think I'm starting to see why."
"Why?"
"Well for starters, I'm not going to be Sadik's victim anymore, Harm. He made me react in ways I never understood. Made me act without intellect. I'm going to change that. Which means I'm going to thank you for Paraguay."
"For what?"
"You saved my life."
"Mac, it's okay. I'm okay. Beating yourself up doesn't help me."
"Yeah, maybe you are right. But I want to get past this."
"Me too."
"Can we get past this, Harm?"
Silence again. She held her breath. "Yeah, I think so," came his voice over the phone. But his voice lacked conviction. Her heart fell.
"Harm? You still with me?"
"I'll always be with you. Okay, Mac?" There was more assurance in his voice with this statement. Mac relaxed slightly.
"For sure, Harm?"
"For sure, Mac," Harm said softly. "Think you can sleep now?"
"Yeah. Thanks Harm."
"No problem. Night."
"Good night."
FIN
Author: Nan
Rating: PG-13
Classification: Mac/Harm
Spoilers: Take It Like a Man
Summary: The killing of Sadik is a watershed of sorts for Mac. Her life takes on a different meaning and she looks at the people around her through new eyes. This picks up the story of TILAM after she leaves Clays apartment at the end.
******************************************************************
"Rabb." The voice on the other end was rough and gravelly. Mac smiled as a mental picture of Harm half awake rose in her mind.
"Harm?" she said. "It's Mac."
"Mac?" The voice was stronger now and awake. She smiled at the undercurrent of concern. Despite all that had gone on between them, he was worried about her. "Is everything okay?"
"Getting there," she said honestly. "Would it be okay if we just talked for a bit?"
He paused for a moment as if he was collecting himself. "Sure," he said slowly. "You want me to come over? Put a pot of coffee on and I'll be there in twenty..."
She interrupted him. "No," she said. "Could we just talk on the phone?" She didn't trust herself around Harm. Composure was accomplished easier when talking on the phone with him.
"Sure," he said.
Mac was unsure how to begin. Before she could start, Harm cut in. "Is this about Sadik?" he asked quietly.
"Yeah," she said.
"Nightmares? Or you can't sleep?" he asked.
"Can't sleep," she confirmed.
"What do you want to talk about?" he asked.
"How's Mattie?" As a start, it was a safe topic. No loaded statements about relationships, real or imagined, as a target for Harm to verbally return fire. It was time now for disarmament.
"Overwhelming." Eight years of partnership and friendship meant it was easy for Mac to imagine the rueful smile that went with the comment.
"I thought there wasn't anything gold wings and a ready smile couldn't solve," Mac said.
"Yeah, me too. Unfortunately, Mattie has a lot of baggage," said Harm.
"Her mother is dead and her father is an alcoholic. Does that sum it up?"
"Pretty much. It was her father's drunk driving that killed her mother. He desperately wants his daughter's forgiveness," Harm said quietly. "That's asking a lot from a fourteen-year-old."
Mac was silent. She thought about her own experience with her father. If it hadn't been for a caring priest at the hospice where he lay dying, she would never have forgiven her father. "It took me years," she whispered.
"Pardon?" came Harm's voice.
Mac heaved a sigh. "What are you going to do about Mattie?" She forced herself to concentrate on the girl.
There was a pause. Then, "I've been doing some research into an organization called Alateen. Are you familiar with it?"
"Sure. It's for teens with alcoholic parents, right?"
"Yeah. A self-help group. There's one at the community center that meets weekly. I've convinced Mattie to try it."
"Which evening?"
"Huh?" Harm wasn't sure what she was asking.
"Which night does the group meet?"
"Tuesday's at 7 pm. Why?"
"I'll come with you."
"We can't go in, Mac," he said. "No adults allowed."
"I know. But we can go for coffee afterwards, right? Those groups are great. But it's very emotional and scary at times. Once in, she can't stop. She needs to let them help. That's where you come in. A support network. I can help you."
"You'll help me?"
"Sure. I know all of the ways this can go wrong. I made those mistakes, remember?"
There was a somber tone to Harm's voice. "Sometimes I forget what you went through."
"It was a long time ago."
"I can't think of a better role model for Mattie, Mac. Thanks."
Mac felt tears spring to her eyes as she recognized the sincerity. "I don't think the admiral would agree. At least not after last week's performance," she murmured ruefully.
"You have a few angry words with Chegwidden and now you think he's lost all respect? Let me tell you about a conversation with the admiral in a bar near the Blacksburg Air Field last fall."
"Pretty bad?" she asked.
"Yeah. But it cleared the air. Chegwidden understands what you've been through. If anything, he respects you more. If he says take time to heal, then take time. He is surprisingly accurate with advice, even if the sledgehammer delivery is a little hard to bear at times."
"This you know from experience?"
"You bet," Harm paused a moment. He said, "Now that we have sorted out my problems, why don't you tell me why you called?"
"Paraguay," she said.
"Ugh," he commented. "Not my choice of a topic."
"You hated it there, didn't you?"
"Every miserable second." He was adamant.
"It was awful for you, wasn't it Harm?" Mac said slowly. "Clay was resentful. I was hostile. The admiral was angry and insulting. You lost your job."
Harm was silent. Before he could reply, she hurried to speak again. "All this time, all I could see was the torture Sadik did to Clay, to Gunny and to me. Not to you."
"Everything is back to normal now, Mac. I'm back at JAG. And as far as I could tell yesterday, the admiral isn't mad anymore."
"Are we back to normal, Harm?"
There was a distinct pause. Harm sucked in his breath. "I'm not sure what normal is between the two of us anymore. Somehow, I say and do things I never thought I could or would."
"Me too. I think I'm starting to see why."
"Why?"
"Well for starters, I'm not going to be Sadik's victim anymore, Harm. He made me react in ways I never understood. Made me act without intellect. I'm going to change that. Which means I'm going to thank you for Paraguay."
"For what?"
"You saved my life."
"Mac, it's okay. I'm okay. Beating yourself up doesn't help me."
"Yeah, maybe you are right. But I want to get past this."
"Me too."
"Can we get past this, Harm?"
Silence again. She held her breath. "Yeah, I think so," came his voice over the phone. But his voice lacked conviction. Her heart fell.
"Harm? You still with me?"
"I'll always be with you. Okay, Mac?" There was more assurance in his voice with this statement. Mac relaxed slightly.
"For sure, Harm?"
"For sure, Mac," Harm said softly. "Think you can sleep now?"
"Yeah. Thanks Harm."
"No problem. Night."
"Good night."
FIN