Hello everybody! Like the chapter before it, this one took a while to
complete. Little here and little there, and a lot on a free weekend. We're
having psychiatry next semester yet, too bad. I'd really love the chance to
analyze Eni-chan and Sou-chan in the clinical way.
..........
Nee-san....
Himura....
Kyoto...
Many things had happened in Kyoto, and I was there for the most part. Why, again? WHY?
.........
Kaoru slapped him hard.
"Ingrate," she scowled at him. "If it weren't for your brother-in- law, you would not even be half the man you are now."
Enishi only held his cheek in surprise. He had presented himself before the lady of the house, to apologize for his conduct. He received a smack.
"Before you accuse him of lying to you, think about it first. For once in your life, think about what another person feels. He could have said you had the wrong house, the first time you came here. He could have denied that he was Himura Kenshin, and you would not be the wiser. He could have turned you over to the police, and you would not know why."
The young lady was right. He lowered his head.
"He didn't tell you anything, because he did not want it to come from him. He did not want to brainwash you into accepting him. He wanted you to accept him, for who he is."
She walked to where her husband lay still, and took up the basin beside it.
"Kenshin does not live in the past. He lives beyond it. When will YOU learn to live beyond the past?"
"But I still can't remember everything about the past."
"I am not asking you to forget about the past. I am asking you to live your life beyond it." And she exited.
He was left alone in the bedroom, standing by the door. He looked at the man he had fought without mercy only an hour earlier. The man lay there on the futon, with one swollen eye and a sore cheek, bandages wrapped over his messy red mop of hair.
And for the life of him, he suddenly could not remember why he fought him.
Anger had driven him again, the way it had driven him many years before. It made him forget himself, remembering only his reason for living: revenge for his sister's death.
From two weeks of searching and researching, he had re-discovered the reasons for his wrath. Tomoe. Beloved sister. Death. By her husband. Hitokiri Battousai. Himura Kenshin. However, to him, all these were only facts on paper, information from hearsay. Much as he tried to relive that horrible day...all he could see in his mind was snow. All that remained was the instinct to avenge, the need to pay back, the urgency to correct the wrong. Why he had to avenge, he no longer recalled. Why she was killed, how she was killed...all gone. Replaced by the emotions that constantly ruled his heart for over ten years. The pure, raw, unbridled thoughts that racked his being.
"He took my sister from me....that's the only important piece of information for me. I do not need to remember how. I do not need to remember why. He killed nee-san, and he has received what he deserved."
"No, he does not deserve it, Yukishiro-san," Seta answered from outside the bedroom.
"What?"
"You are being unfair to Himura-san."
"Seta...Soujirou, correct?" He racked his brain. "Formerly associated with a bandaged man. You bought a warship from me.....How did I have a warship to sell you?" He held his aching head. "Enough of that now. What do you mean, he does not deserve it?" as he pointed to the man lying on the futon.
"I only have second-hand information, Yukishiro-san. But I am made to understand that her death was a mistake."
"A mistake?!" He swooped down on the young man. "How DARE you call it a mistake!"
Seta merely smiled. "Himura had lost a lot of blood and was weakened considerably. Your sister intervened in a fight, too late for Himura to take back...the sword thrust that killed her."
It took two minutes for his brain to process the words.
Suddenly, his mind returned to a snowy day, many, many years ago. A small hut, a large clearing. The smell of perfume, and the smell of blood.
He saw his sister between two fighting men. One man was his employer, the man who promised he could go home with nee-san after he brought Battousai to him. The other, was Battousai himself.
He remembered seeing his sister between them, arms spread wide. Battousai moved erratically, then ran forward in a desperate charge. And, in thrusting at his enemy, ran his sister through.
But now he recalled and he noticed, the shock in Battousai's face, milliseconds after. He saw the horror in Battousai's eyes as reality struck. He saw the honest tears, as his sister smiled and said her final farewell.
Before, he only realized the pain of his own loss of a sister. Now, he felt the man's loss of a wife.
"He...too....did not want .....nee-san...to die?"
It hit him hard.
What this blue-haired smiling young man said....might actually.....be true. He was just too young then to understand.
"Why-----why should I believe you?" he faltered.
Soujirou replied, "Records within the Isshinshishi have proven it."
"You are playing with my head," he accused.
"I am only speaking the truth," the other answered with a serious face.
The truth.
It was the first time his head hurt so much. He had relived that memory over and over in his brain for years. But suddenly, he saw it in a new light. And he suddenly realized. If this murder had been a mistake....his vengeance had also been.....a big mistake. It was the middle of war, and nothing made sense. Fate had not been kind, to all of them. Nobody was to blame.
Years of trying to stay alive. Years of killing, to avoid being killed. Years of lies and deceit. Years dedicated to exacting revenge. Fifteen years of his life had been for nothing.
He might have realized it before, but right now, the realization hit him like lightning.
He pounded his head on the wall, trying to eliminate the pain in his head and his heart. "Who am I? What am I? What have I become?! Somebody, answer me!"
He began to pace the floor absent-mindedly, frantically. "My life had been just one long mistake?! Have I hated someone so long, for no reason? My sister is gone, and there is no one to blame? I have no one to go to, and nowhere to turn!"
Soujirou could only watch the man walk across the bedroom like a caged tiger, back and forth. Frustrated at the world that restricted his movement, at the realization that hindered his hateful energy.
The room spun furiously around him, as glimpses of his lonely life came and went. Pictures of war, pictures of hunger and sickness, pictures of crime and survival, pictures of death and dying. All for a misguided vengeance. Did he lose his past, only to regain it and remember THIS?
The only way out of this life was to end it.
Enishi found his pistol on top of a drawer. To Soujirou's horror, he forgot in his haste to help Himura that he had left it there. But Enishi moved too quickly, and soon he had the pistol loaded and cocked.
There was no more Seta, no more Kamiya, no more Kenji, and no more Himura, to him. Just himself, his wasted life, and his pistol. He pointed the pistol at the side of his forehead.
But he felt a weak hand, slowly but firmly, bring his pistol down. The hand took the pistol from him, and held his own hands. He was too dumbfounded to react.
"Enishi," a man spoke before him. "The way to atone is not by dying, but by living."
It was Himura.
"Don't you want me dead?" he smirked at him.
Himura shook his head.
"I almost killed you; are you out of your mind?"
"Find your own answers. In the meantime, live for others." Himura smiled faintly. From the door, Soujirou nodded.
But Enishi grabbed him from the front of his gi. "Listen, I've had quite enough of your philosophical vagueness." He put him down again, held his head, and paced the floor. "Why can't any of you just give me simple answers? If someone like Seta had come for me ten years ago, I just might have been old enough to understand a terrible mistake, and hopefully I won't be in this mess right now! Now someone wants me dead, because I took the trouble of dismantling an organization I had raised from the ground, in order to get YOU! And now I find out that you are not to blame? Then you tell me to find my own answers? I have no answers of my own! Do you NOT understand?!"
"Who wants you dead, Enishi?" Himura quietly asked, as he sat back on the futon.
"Come again?"
"You just said, someone wants you dead, because you had dismantled an organization. Who wants you dead?"
Enishi spoke with desperation. "How should I know? I don't know anything about an organization! I don't even know who I am anymore! AAAAH!" He gripped his head tightly, and dropped to his elbows and knees. "STOP messing with my head! Tell me the truth! That is all I ask!"
Soujirou knelt beside the prostrate figure, and said gently, "I have told you what he has not said himself. Some, you yourself found out from the police files and from your asking around. The rest of your questions, just might be answered in Kyoto."
"Kyoto? But I have just been to Kyoto!"
"But you didn't talk to the people you needed to talk to, Yukishiro- san," Soujirou replied with a happy smile. "Come back with me to Kyoto. Let me help you find your answers."
The mention of Kyoto only made Enishi's head pound harder. It reminded him, not only of the faraway past, but also of a recent past.....a recent past he remembered absolutely nothing about.
"Find my answers! I have been trying to do that for weeks, all without your help! Stop treating me like a hospital case. Stop taking pity on me. Stop taking advantage of me. Stop. Stop! STOP! STOP----------"
.........
Enishi!
"Nee-san?"
It has been a while, Enishi.
"Is it true, what they said, nee-san? It was all a mistake?"
You were stubborn even then, little brother mine. I have tried, and others have tried, to tell you. Listen to me now, Enishi. I love you as my brother. But I loved him. I never regretted what I did.
"Nee-san..gomen, nee-san...to cause so much pain. To you, to others, to your husband..."
All is forgiven in the end, Enishi. Teach your heart to forgive. Forgive not only Kenshin, but yourself as well. Enishi..
"Yes, nee-san?"
I want you to go back to Kyoto.
"Whatever for?"
There are things I can only show you there. Also, someone is waiting for you to return. Go back to her.
"HER?! But, nee-san, you are the only woman for me!"
Have you forgotten about her, too? Try to remember, Enishi, and go back to her. I will take care of you, like always.
"Her? Who is she, nee-san..nee-san....nee-san? Come back, nee-san!"
.........
"Good morning, Enishi. I hope you are alright now?"
"Nee-san?"
"No, unfortunately. It's Kaoru. Good morning. Breakfast is ready."
"Kaoru? ..Oh, Kamiya, I mean, Himura-san. Morning? But it's only 6 o'clock in the evening..." He rubbed his eyes and confusedly looked at a small tray and a cheerful lady beside him. He scratched his head at a blanket over him and a futon beneath him. He also stared quizzically at the birds in the trees and the fresh sunlight beaming through the window.
"You passed out a little before 6 o'clock last night," Kaoru explained. "You even had a slight fever. Really, you men! First, I had to take care of my husband, then I had to take care of you..."
"Why do you even bother, Kamiya?" he asked despondently.
"You are Kenshin's brother-in-law. You're family." Kaoru quietly answered.
He sighed. "Forgive me for this...I mean, yesterday afternoon..."
"I am sorry myself for what I did," she smiled sadly.
"Apology accepted, and point taken. Enough of that, Himura-san." He took up the glass of water. "I have to get ready to go to Kyoto..."
..........
Sorry for all the angst in this one. I suppose I'm letting out my frustrations about my subjects on Enishi, poor chap. I'm going back to happier times, because the angst is starting to get on my nerves. ^^ Please wait patiently for the next chap, I have two tests coming.
Still so many readers. Thank you all so much for continually supporting my work!
Curls of Serenity ---Thanks for the advice! Cat H-I don't understand a lot of Japanese, either. You're welcome. JML-Yup, I know about the Oedipus complex, thanks. And, didn't you notice all the papers on Saitou's desk in the manga? ^^ Sabbie-Official continuation of RK?! That's a tall order! The diary is in Kyoto. Tips will the considered. CardMistressSakura- Thanks! Bee-I can't forget about the F4 lookalikes; now they actually know I exist, and they talk to me every once in a while. They're nice. ^^ aki- Yipes, and thanks! Amy-Wait a while more for Misao, ok? Maeko-Nohara- Thanks much. You actually like him insane? ^^ Firuze-nee-san-Thanks for the tips. ARgh, what a fine mess I got myself into. bittersweetKandy- Thanks for the tips. Sorry I was starting to annoy you. ^^ MaryAnne-Wow, you read all three! Thanks a lot!
..........
Nee-san....
Himura....
Kyoto...
Many things had happened in Kyoto, and I was there for the most part. Why, again? WHY?
.........
Kaoru slapped him hard.
"Ingrate," she scowled at him. "If it weren't for your brother-in- law, you would not even be half the man you are now."
Enishi only held his cheek in surprise. He had presented himself before the lady of the house, to apologize for his conduct. He received a smack.
"Before you accuse him of lying to you, think about it first. For once in your life, think about what another person feels. He could have said you had the wrong house, the first time you came here. He could have denied that he was Himura Kenshin, and you would not be the wiser. He could have turned you over to the police, and you would not know why."
The young lady was right. He lowered his head.
"He didn't tell you anything, because he did not want it to come from him. He did not want to brainwash you into accepting him. He wanted you to accept him, for who he is."
She walked to where her husband lay still, and took up the basin beside it.
"Kenshin does not live in the past. He lives beyond it. When will YOU learn to live beyond the past?"
"But I still can't remember everything about the past."
"I am not asking you to forget about the past. I am asking you to live your life beyond it." And she exited.
He was left alone in the bedroom, standing by the door. He looked at the man he had fought without mercy only an hour earlier. The man lay there on the futon, with one swollen eye and a sore cheek, bandages wrapped over his messy red mop of hair.
And for the life of him, he suddenly could not remember why he fought him.
Anger had driven him again, the way it had driven him many years before. It made him forget himself, remembering only his reason for living: revenge for his sister's death.
From two weeks of searching and researching, he had re-discovered the reasons for his wrath. Tomoe. Beloved sister. Death. By her husband. Hitokiri Battousai. Himura Kenshin. However, to him, all these were only facts on paper, information from hearsay. Much as he tried to relive that horrible day...all he could see in his mind was snow. All that remained was the instinct to avenge, the need to pay back, the urgency to correct the wrong. Why he had to avenge, he no longer recalled. Why she was killed, how she was killed...all gone. Replaced by the emotions that constantly ruled his heart for over ten years. The pure, raw, unbridled thoughts that racked his being.
"He took my sister from me....that's the only important piece of information for me. I do not need to remember how. I do not need to remember why. He killed nee-san, and he has received what he deserved."
"No, he does not deserve it, Yukishiro-san," Seta answered from outside the bedroom.
"What?"
"You are being unfair to Himura-san."
"Seta...Soujirou, correct?" He racked his brain. "Formerly associated with a bandaged man. You bought a warship from me.....How did I have a warship to sell you?" He held his aching head. "Enough of that now. What do you mean, he does not deserve it?" as he pointed to the man lying on the futon.
"I only have second-hand information, Yukishiro-san. But I am made to understand that her death was a mistake."
"A mistake?!" He swooped down on the young man. "How DARE you call it a mistake!"
Seta merely smiled. "Himura had lost a lot of blood and was weakened considerably. Your sister intervened in a fight, too late for Himura to take back...the sword thrust that killed her."
It took two minutes for his brain to process the words.
Suddenly, his mind returned to a snowy day, many, many years ago. A small hut, a large clearing. The smell of perfume, and the smell of blood.
He saw his sister between two fighting men. One man was his employer, the man who promised he could go home with nee-san after he brought Battousai to him. The other, was Battousai himself.
He remembered seeing his sister between them, arms spread wide. Battousai moved erratically, then ran forward in a desperate charge. And, in thrusting at his enemy, ran his sister through.
But now he recalled and he noticed, the shock in Battousai's face, milliseconds after. He saw the horror in Battousai's eyes as reality struck. He saw the honest tears, as his sister smiled and said her final farewell.
Before, he only realized the pain of his own loss of a sister. Now, he felt the man's loss of a wife.
"He...too....did not want .....nee-san...to die?"
It hit him hard.
What this blue-haired smiling young man said....might actually.....be true. He was just too young then to understand.
"Why-----why should I believe you?" he faltered.
Soujirou replied, "Records within the Isshinshishi have proven it."
"You are playing with my head," he accused.
"I am only speaking the truth," the other answered with a serious face.
The truth.
It was the first time his head hurt so much. He had relived that memory over and over in his brain for years. But suddenly, he saw it in a new light. And he suddenly realized. If this murder had been a mistake....his vengeance had also been.....a big mistake. It was the middle of war, and nothing made sense. Fate had not been kind, to all of them. Nobody was to blame.
Years of trying to stay alive. Years of killing, to avoid being killed. Years of lies and deceit. Years dedicated to exacting revenge. Fifteen years of his life had been for nothing.
He might have realized it before, but right now, the realization hit him like lightning.
He pounded his head on the wall, trying to eliminate the pain in his head and his heart. "Who am I? What am I? What have I become?! Somebody, answer me!"
He began to pace the floor absent-mindedly, frantically. "My life had been just one long mistake?! Have I hated someone so long, for no reason? My sister is gone, and there is no one to blame? I have no one to go to, and nowhere to turn!"
Soujirou could only watch the man walk across the bedroom like a caged tiger, back and forth. Frustrated at the world that restricted his movement, at the realization that hindered his hateful energy.
The room spun furiously around him, as glimpses of his lonely life came and went. Pictures of war, pictures of hunger and sickness, pictures of crime and survival, pictures of death and dying. All for a misguided vengeance. Did he lose his past, only to regain it and remember THIS?
The only way out of this life was to end it.
Enishi found his pistol on top of a drawer. To Soujirou's horror, he forgot in his haste to help Himura that he had left it there. But Enishi moved too quickly, and soon he had the pistol loaded and cocked.
There was no more Seta, no more Kamiya, no more Kenji, and no more Himura, to him. Just himself, his wasted life, and his pistol. He pointed the pistol at the side of his forehead.
But he felt a weak hand, slowly but firmly, bring his pistol down. The hand took the pistol from him, and held his own hands. He was too dumbfounded to react.
"Enishi," a man spoke before him. "The way to atone is not by dying, but by living."
It was Himura.
"Don't you want me dead?" he smirked at him.
Himura shook his head.
"I almost killed you; are you out of your mind?"
"Find your own answers. In the meantime, live for others." Himura smiled faintly. From the door, Soujirou nodded.
But Enishi grabbed him from the front of his gi. "Listen, I've had quite enough of your philosophical vagueness." He put him down again, held his head, and paced the floor. "Why can't any of you just give me simple answers? If someone like Seta had come for me ten years ago, I just might have been old enough to understand a terrible mistake, and hopefully I won't be in this mess right now! Now someone wants me dead, because I took the trouble of dismantling an organization I had raised from the ground, in order to get YOU! And now I find out that you are not to blame? Then you tell me to find my own answers? I have no answers of my own! Do you NOT understand?!"
"Who wants you dead, Enishi?" Himura quietly asked, as he sat back on the futon.
"Come again?"
"You just said, someone wants you dead, because you had dismantled an organization. Who wants you dead?"
Enishi spoke with desperation. "How should I know? I don't know anything about an organization! I don't even know who I am anymore! AAAAH!" He gripped his head tightly, and dropped to his elbows and knees. "STOP messing with my head! Tell me the truth! That is all I ask!"
Soujirou knelt beside the prostrate figure, and said gently, "I have told you what he has not said himself. Some, you yourself found out from the police files and from your asking around. The rest of your questions, just might be answered in Kyoto."
"Kyoto? But I have just been to Kyoto!"
"But you didn't talk to the people you needed to talk to, Yukishiro- san," Soujirou replied with a happy smile. "Come back with me to Kyoto. Let me help you find your answers."
The mention of Kyoto only made Enishi's head pound harder. It reminded him, not only of the faraway past, but also of a recent past.....a recent past he remembered absolutely nothing about.
"Find my answers! I have been trying to do that for weeks, all without your help! Stop treating me like a hospital case. Stop taking pity on me. Stop taking advantage of me. Stop. Stop! STOP! STOP----------"
.........
Enishi!
"Nee-san?"
It has been a while, Enishi.
"Is it true, what they said, nee-san? It was all a mistake?"
You were stubborn even then, little brother mine. I have tried, and others have tried, to tell you. Listen to me now, Enishi. I love you as my brother. But I loved him. I never regretted what I did.
"Nee-san..gomen, nee-san...to cause so much pain. To you, to others, to your husband..."
All is forgiven in the end, Enishi. Teach your heart to forgive. Forgive not only Kenshin, but yourself as well. Enishi..
"Yes, nee-san?"
I want you to go back to Kyoto.
"Whatever for?"
There are things I can only show you there. Also, someone is waiting for you to return. Go back to her.
"HER?! But, nee-san, you are the only woman for me!"
Have you forgotten about her, too? Try to remember, Enishi, and go back to her. I will take care of you, like always.
"Her? Who is she, nee-san..nee-san....nee-san? Come back, nee-san!"
.........
"Good morning, Enishi. I hope you are alright now?"
"Nee-san?"
"No, unfortunately. It's Kaoru. Good morning. Breakfast is ready."
"Kaoru? ..Oh, Kamiya, I mean, Himura-san. Morning? But it's only 6 o'clock in the evening..." He rubbed his eyes and confusedly looked at a small tray and a cheerful lady beside him. He scratched his head at a blanket over him and a futon beneath him. He also stared quizzically at the birds in the trees and the fresh sunlight beaming through the window.
"You passed out a little before 6 o'clock last night," Kaoru explained. "You even had a slight fever. Really, you men! First, I had to take care of my husband, then I had to take care of you..."
"Why do you even bother, Kamiya?" he asked despondently.
"You are Kenshin's brother-in-law. You're family." Kaoru quietly answered.
He sighed. "Forgive me for this...I mean, yesterday afternoon..."
"I am sorry myself for what I did," she smiled sadly.
"Apology accepted, and point taken. Enough of that, Himura-san." He took up the glass of water. "I have to get ready to go to Kyoto..."
..........
Sorry for all the angst in this one. I suppose I'm letting out my frustrations about my subjects on Enishi, poor chap. I'm going back to happier times, because the angst is starting to get on my nerves. ^^ Please wait patiently for the next chap, I have two tests coming.
Still so many readers. Thank you all so much for continually supporting my work!
Curls of Serenity ---Thanks for the advice! Cat H-I don't understand a lot of Japanese, either. You're welcome. JML-Yup, I know about the Oedipus complex, thanks. And, didn't you notice all the papers on Saitou's desk in the manga? ^^ Sabbie-Official continuation of RK?! That's a tall order! The diary is in Kyoto. Tips will the considered. CardMistressSakura- Thanks! Bee-I can't forget about the F4 lookalikes; now they actually know I exist, and they talk to me every once in a while. They're nice. ^^ aki- Yipes, and thanks! Amy-Wait a while more for Misao, ok? Maeko-Nohara- Thanks much. You actually like him insane? ^^ Firuze-nee-san-Thanks for the tips. ARgh, what a fine mess I got myself into. bittersweetKandy- Thanks for the tips. Sorry I was starting to annoy you. ^^ MaryAnne-Wow, you read all three! Thanks a lot!