Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm slow. Been nuts here. I have a special surprise for y'all. A guest co-writer! My best friend Papi has agreed to help me with this chapter, and you also get a new phun lil phan, who just happens to be God. Things just keep getting weirder and weirder in this phic, eh? Anywho, here ya go!
Phan: (to POTM) You're elected, bud. Do you know what you're supposed to do?
POTM: Um...I think so. I tell the Raouls that you guys threw me out, and then I get them to rip each other's throats out. And whoever I don't get to, you guy'll fix. Right?
ALW: Now the question is: can he remember the plan long enough to make it effective?
RE: Can we make bets?
LC: Betting is a filthy habit. And we ARE gentlemen. We'll have none of that.
POTP: Gentlemen?
Phan: Well, I should hope to kiss a duck you aren't LADIES!
ALW: Well, the Phantom of Manhatten might be. Apparently he was seen in drag once....
DS: He always was a bit...fruity.
A: Let's get to this. I'm anxious to be rid of those fops!
O: Indeed.
SK: Out you go! (chucks POTM out of the lair rather uncivilly)
HL: Did you have to be so rough with him?
SK: Didn't we want this to look convincing? (wicked grin)
YK: What if this doesn't work. What then?
CR: He has a point. There should always be a backup plan.
Phan: Got it covered, my lads.
W: Oh really? Share with the rest of the class.
Phan: I happen to be close personal friends with God.
CD: You're kidding, right?
Phan: Why should I be kidding? I'll prove it!
T: (nudging O) Where did you say you found this one again?
Phan: Hey God! C'mere!
God: (appears in a puff of smoke and a red ball gown) You called?
All but Phan: God's a....WOMAN?!
God: And this is a shock because.....?
DS/POTP: (drool) wow....
CD: This isn't quite what I expected. But it's nice to know that God's on OUR side for once.
God: What the hell do you mean "for once"? I've ALWAYS been on yuor side! It's just the whole Free Will thing backfired. Oops. (shrugs)
CT: Free will is a conspiracy!!!!!!!!!
God: Do you want me to smite you? Because I WILL!
DB: Oooooohhhh. A good smiting! I haven't seen one of those in the longest time! (hops about excitedly)
(Soon the POTM arrives at the Fop House to stir up trouble.)
Swan: So, the Phantoms threw you out, did they?
POTM: Yup. And I have the bootmark on my heiny to prove it!
D'aubert: I think we can skip that piece of evidence.
POM: How do we know you aren't still loyal to them?
POTM: I can tell you where Winslow hides his stash.
DA: Really...? (gets out notepad)
Anatole: OK. Can you give us any IMPORTANT information?
POTM: What do you want to know?
Fop: How to take them down! (tries to look vicious. just looks stupid)
POTM: Well...I know that...umm...uhh...that Opera thing they like is on Friday. They'll probably go to that.
Swan: Excellent. Assasination during performances are the best.
POTA: So, let's start planning our strategy for Friday!
POTM: (trying to think of how to carry out his mission so the rest of the Phantoms and the Phan won't slaughter him) Um, who's going to come up with a plan? We need a really good one to get them.
D'aubert: I always have the best plans. I'll come up with something brilliant!
Anatole: Like hell! I can come up with something ten times betterer!
D'aubert: Oh really?
Anatole: Yeah!
POTM: (aside) this is gonna be waaaaaay too easy!
(Meanwhile, back in the lair...CT has been smoten by God and is twitching on the ground)
DS: You know...I could show you a better way to do that.
God: Who the hell do you think you are?
DS: I am...whoever you want me to be (grin)
A: Please tell me you are not trying to put the moves on God!
DS: Why shouldn't I? She is the only one worthy of my perfection!
God: Oh puh-LEESE!
Phan: (picking on DS) You mean besides Christine, and that ballet chick, and whoever else you've had your mitts on?
ALW: Anyhow. Can we get back to the problem at HAND?
God: The problem has HANDS??
Phan: (slaps forehead) Moving on...
SK: And she became God...how?
Phan: Long complicated story. You REALLY don't want to know!
SK: I see.
God: A few dieties had to be smoten. It's tough to take command of an entire universe!
O: I'm sure...(to Phan) I'm not even going to ASK how you know her!
Phan: (shrugs) You'd be amazed who you can find in chatrooms at 2 a.m..
YK: Has William Blake actually met you? (to God, in awe)
God: Yes...little bastard saw me in the shower! So I slowly drove him mad. (smiles proudly to herself)
HL: (dryly) How very interesting......
Phan: (whispering to HL) I wouldn't tempt her wrath if I were you. Just smile and nod.
LC: (looks from Phan to God) You certainly have interesting friends.
CD: If you're God, you can do miracles...can't you?
God: What're you driving at?
T: The same thing all of us probably are...
POTP: Indeed. I'd love to have a real voice again. To undo that little...accident....
God: Hate to say this, Winslow. But you sounded like a dying turkey.
(POTP looks really hurt)
CR: I think we'd all like to be normal looking again.
SK: Some of us never had that luxery!
T: Well then you just don't understand what you're missing!
CD: Just because we've never been able to look like everyone else, you don't have to rub it in...
O: Some of us didn't even have families to help take care of us. We had to deal without Daddums and Mum!
YK: Are you insinuating that we are less deserving than you?!
RE: Are you saying that YOU'RE deserving?
A: What's wrong with him?
RE: He's a weakling!
HL: He's not a heartless bastard like you.
W: (blink) You swore!
HL: Forgive me. I just get so upset! I am a God fearing man. I think this whole thing is a mockery. I refuse to believe the afterlife is run by you! (points at God) The universe is not so badly constructed! There must be a greater plan.
God: Maybe I'd reveal it if you'd all just SHUT UP!
(everyone stops and looks at God)
CD:...Going back to what I was saying before...
DS: She has no time for your petty wailings.
ALW: I didn't hear HER say that....
DS: I'm in no mood for you. (pushes past) Now, I have things to discuss...(takes God's hand)
God: (slaps DS) ACK! (turns attention to CD) Yes darling?
CD: I was wondering...if...well...a miracle?
God: Well, what about it?
RE: What he's trying to ask is for you to fix his ugly mug.
CD: That you for putting that so...tastelessly.
RE: (grins) Any time.
Phan: But I like you the way you are. (smiles at CD)
CD: I've heard that one before!
Phan: Yeah. But I don't have a nervous disposition. (bats eyelashes)
CD: Uhhhh....
God: (shoving Phan aside) I've seen your face before. It's fine.
Phan: (shoving back in) I think he's very cute.
God: (turning on Phan) I think he's handsome!
Phan: (puffing up to God) I think he's gorgeous!
God: (puffing up even bigger) Well I think I'M God and I can do anything I WANT!
Phantoms: (blink. confused look) ....
O: Are you two quite all right?
Phan/God: (still glaring each other down) FINE!
T: Are these two making anyone else incredibly uncomfortable? (most of the Phantoms nod)
RE: (grins) Catfight. Wish we had a mudpit. (God and Phan turn and give a deadly look to RE) Just kidding.
(In the Fop House)
D'aubert: I am a POLICE OFFICER! OF COURSE my plan will work!
Anatole: Your plans NEVER work!
POTM: (nudges POM) How long can they keep this up?
POM: All day. Shame when egos get in the way, ins't it?
(D'aubert and Anatole get into a slugfest)
Fop: We should do something. They'll kill each other!
Swan: Do you really think so?
(Finally Anatole gets up from the scuffle. D'aubert, however, does not)
POTA: Did you...?
Anatole: I...he just...damn....
POM: I can't believe you had the GUTS to kill him!
DA: No kidding! I always pegged you fops as a bunch of pooftas.
Swan: What's that supposed to mean?
DS: That you don't have the balls to kill like us!
Swan: Want to bet?
POTM: Swan...don't be upset just because we're better murderers than you.
Swan: You are all going down!
(Later that evening, in the lair. The Phantoms are all sitting around watching the Phan and God fighting)
Phan: A fat lot of good you did them when they needed you most!
God: How else are they supposed to learn?
Phan: Learn what?
God: Life sucks. But I didn't see you around to spare them from getting hurt!
Phan: I would have been there if I could have!
LC: (breaking in) Excuse me...but perhaps I could interject for a moment?
Phan/God: What?!
LC: The Kay novel made tea. Do you want some?
God: Only if there's pie too!
Phan: Thank you. I'll have a cup....(glances at God from the corner of her eye) and I don't NEED pie.
CR: I think I speak for all of us when I say, you two are scary.
God: DUH!
HL: All the fighting....
Phan: Sorry...
God: It's just we love y'all so much!
CD: What?
Phan: (snugling up to CD) You guys are ADORABLE! What's not to love?
God: (snuggling on the other side) No kidding!
CD: Uhhh...thanks...I think.....
(Back at the Fop House)
Swan: That'll teach you to mess with me!
Fop: (pokes at the lifeless bodies of POTA and Anatole) Did you really have to kill them?
Swan: Do you want to be next?
Fop: Eeep! No!!!
DA:Well THIS is really helping. Shouldn't we be organizing a plan to kill the Phantoms rather than each other?
POM: Yeah. Come on, Eric. You must have some information we can use.
POTM: Uhhhhh...I like CHiPs?
DA: Yeah...that was REAL helpful.
POTM: Leave me alone!
DA: Dork.
Swan: Imbicile.
Fop: Dumb-dumb head!
POM: Fop!
Fop: ...HEY!
POM: Whoops. my mistake. I forgot.
Fop: You meany doodey head!
POM: Don't make me hurt you squeeky.
Fop: grrr. (trying to look fierce. think angry ball of fluff)
(another large fight. Well, not so much large. Basically one good hit from POM and the Fop falls over dead.)
Swan: It's about time someone killed him!
(And finally, back at the lair, God and the Phan are having a tug-o-war with CD)
God: I think he's cute! (tugs CD)
Phan: I think he's adorable! (tugs CD)
God: I wanna smooch him! (tugs CD)
Phan: I wanna snuggle him! (tug CD)
CD: I want a Dramamine!
O: (walks into the room) What's all this then?
God: Hey look! Another one! (shoves the Phan at O)
Phan: Arg!
O: Hello there. Are you all right?
Phan: (unruffling herself) Perfect. Ab-so-shaggin'-lootly perfect....
God: (squeezes CD) Hiya Charlie!
CD: My name isn't Charlie...
God: Can I call ya Charlie anyhow? (grin)
Oh my! Will the two girls stop bickering? Will POTM carry out his mission successfully? Will the Phantoms go insane because of the two teenage girls fighting over them? Will I stop asking these annoying questions?? Stay tuned for our next surreal installment!
Phan: (to POTM) You're elected, bud. Do you know what you're supposed to do?
POTM: Um...I think so. I tell the Raouls that you guys threw me out, and then I get them to rip each other's throats out. And whoever I don't get to, you guy'll fix. Right?
ALW: Now the question is: can he remember the plan long enough to make it effective?
RE: Can we make bets?
LC: Betting is a filthy habit. And we ARE gentlemen. We'll have none of that.
POTP: Gentlemen?
Phan: Well, I should hope to kiss a duck you aren't LADIES!
ALW: Well, the Phantom of Manhatten might be. Apparently he was seen in drag once....
DS: He always was a bit...fruity.
A: Let's get to this. I'm anxious to be rid of those fops!
O: Indeed.
SK: Out you go! (chucks POTM out of the lair rather uncivilly)
HL: Did you have to be so rough with him?
SK: Didn't we want this to look convincing? (wicked grin)
YK: What if this doesn't work. What then?
CR: He has a point. There should always be a backup plan.
Phan: Got it covered, my lads.
W: Oh really? Share with the rest of the class.
Phan: I happen to be close personal friends with God.
CD: You're kidding, right?
Phan: Why should I be kidding? I'll prove it!
T: (nudging O) Where did you say you found this one again?
Phan: Hey God! C'mere!
God: (appears in a puff of smoke and a red ball gown) You called?
All but Phan: God's a....WOMAN?!
God: And this is a shock because.....?
DS/POTP: (drool) wow....
CD: This isn't quite what I expected. But it's nice to know that God's on OUR side for once.
God: What the hell do you mean "for once"? I've ALWAYS been on yuor side! It's just the whole Free Will thing backfired. Oops. (shrugs)
CT: Free will is a conspiracy!!!!!!!!!
God: Do you want me to smite you? Because I WILL!
DB: Oooooohhhh. A good smiting! I haven't seen one of those in the longest time! (hops about excitedly)
(Soon the POTM arrives at the Fop House to stir up trouble.)
Swan: So, the Phantoms threw you out, did they?
POTM: Yup. And I have the bootmark on my heiny to prove it!
D'aubert: I think we can skip that piece of evidence.
POM: How do we know you aren't still loyal to them?
POTM: I can tell you where Winslow hides his stash.
DA: Really...? (gets out notepad)
Anatole: OK. Can you give us any IMPORTANT information?
POTM: What do you want to know?
Fop: How to take them down! (tries to look vicious. just looks stupid)
POTM: Well...I know that...umm...uhh...that Opera thing they like is on Friday. They'll probably go to that.
Swan: Excellent. Assasination during performances are the best.
POTA: So, let's start planning our strategy for Friday!
POTM: (trying to think of how to carry out his mission so the rest of the Phantoms and the Phan won't slaughter him) Um, who's going to come up with a plan? We need a really good one to get them.
D'aubert: I always have the best plans. I'll come up with something brilliant!
Anatole: Like hell! I can come up with something ten times betterer!
D'aubert: Oh really?
Anatole: Yeah!
POTM: (aside) this is gonna be waaaaaay too easy!
(Meanwhile, back in the lair...CT has been smoten by God and is twitching on the ground)
DS: You know...I could show you a better way to do that.
God: Who the hell do you think you are?
DS: I am...whoever you want me to be (grin)
A: Please tell me you are not trying to put the moves on God!
DS: Why shouldn't I? She is the only one worthy of my perfection!
God: Oh puh-LEESE!
Phan: (picking on DS) You mean besides Christine, and that ballet chick, and whoever else you've had your mitts on?
ALW: Anyhow. Can we get back to the problem at HAND?
God: The problem has HANDS??
Phan: (slaps forehead) Moving on...
SK: And she became God...how?
Phan: Long complicated story. You REALLY don't want to know!
SK: I see.
God: A few dieties had to be smoten. It's tough to take command of an entire universe!
O: I'm sure...(to Phan) I'm not even going to ASK how you know her!
Phan: (shrugs) You'd be amazed who you can find in chatrooms at 2 a.m..
YK: Has William Blake actually met you? (to God, in awe)
God: Yes...little bastard saw me in the shower! So I slowly drove him mad. (smiles proudly to herself)
HL: (dryly) How very interesting......
Phan: (whispering to HL) I wouldn't tempt her wrath if I were you. Just smile and nod.
LC: (looks from Phan to God) You certainly have interesting friends.
CD: If you're God, you can do miracles...can't you?
God: What're you driving at?
T: The same thing all of us probably are...
POTP: Indeed. I'd love to have a real voice again. To undo that little...accident....
God: Hate to say this, Winslow. But you sounded like a dying turkey.
(POTP looks really hurt)
CR: I think we'd all like to be normal looking again.
SK: Some of us never had that luxery!
T: Well then you just don't understand what you're missing!
CD: Just because we've never been able to look like everyone else, you don't have to rub it in...
O: Some of us didn't even have families to help take care of us. We had to deal without Daddums and Mum!
YK: Are you insinuating that we are less deserving than you?!
RE: Are you saying that YOU'RE deserving?
A: What's wrong with him?
RE: He's a weakling!
HL: He's not a heartless bastard like you.
W: (blink) You swore!
HL: Forgive me. I just get so upset! I am a God fearing man. I think this whole thing is a mockery. I refuse to believe the afterlife is run by you! (points at God) The universe is not so badly constructed! There must be a greater plan.
God: Maybe I'd reveal it if you'd all just SHUT UP!
(everyone stops and looks at God)
CD:...Going back to what I was saying before...
DS: She has no time for your petty wailings.
ALW: I didn't hear HER say that....
DS: I'm in no mood for you. (pushes past) Now, I have things to discuss...(takes God's hand)
God: (slaps DS) ACK! (turns attention to CD) Yes darling?
CD: I was wondering...if...well...a miracle?
God: Well, what about it?
RE: What he's trying to ask is for you to fix his ugly mug.
CD: That you for putting that so...tastelessly.
RE: (grins) Any time.
Phan: But I like you the way you are. (smiles at CD)
CD: I've heard that one before!
Phan: Yeah. But I don't have a nervous disposition. (bats eyelashes)
CD: Uhhhh....
God: (shoving Phan aside) I've seen your face before. It's fine.
Phan: (shoving back in) I think he's very cute.
God: (turning on Phan) I think he's handsome!
Phan: (puffing up to God) I think he's gorgeous!
God: (puffing up even bigger) Well I think I'M God and I can do anything I WANT!
Phantoms: (blink. confused look) ....
O: Are you two quite all right?
Phan/God: (still glaring each other down) FINE!
T: Are these two making anyone else incredibly uncomfortable? (most of the Phantoms nod)
RE: (grins) Catfight. Wish we had a mudpit. (God and Phan turn and give a deadly look to RE) Just kidding.
(In the Fop House)
D'aubert: I am a POLICE OFFICER! OF COURSE my plan will work!
Anatole: Your plans NEVER work!
POTM: (nudges POM) How long can they keep this up?
POM: All day. Shame when egos get in the way, ins't it?
(D'aubert and Anatole get into a slugfest)
Fop: We should do something. They'll kill each other!
Swan: Do you really think so?
(Finally Anatole gets up from the scuffle. D'aubert, however, does not)
POTA: Did you...?
Anatole: I...he just...damn....
POM: I can't believe you had the GUTS to kill him!
DA: No kidding! I always pegged you fops as a bunch of pooftas.
Swan: What's that supposed to mean?
DS: That you don't have the balls to kill like us!
Swan: Want to bet?
POTM: Swan...don't be upset just because we're better murderers than you.
Swan: You are all going down!
(Later that evening, in the lair. The Phantoms are all sitting around watching the Phan and God fighting)
Phan: A fat lot of good you did them when they needed you most!
God: How else are they supposed to learn?
Phan: Learn what?
God: Life sucks. But I didn't see you around to spare them from getting hurt!
Phan: I would have been there if I could have!
LC: (breaking in) Excuse me...but perhaps I could interject for a moment?
Phan/God: What?!
LC: The Kay novel made tea. Do you want some?
God: Only if there's pie too!
Phan: Thank you. I'll have a cup....(glances at God from the corner of her eye) and I don't NEED pie.
CR: I think I speak for all of us when I say, you two are scary.
God: DUH!
HL: All the fighting....
Phan: Sorry...
God: It's just we love y'all so much!
CD: What?
Phan: (snugling up to CD) You guys are ADORABLE! What's not to love?
God: (snuggling on the other side) No kidding!
CD: Uhhh...thanks...I think.....
(Back at the Fop House)
Swan: That'll teach you to mess with me!
Fop: (pokes at the lifeless bodies of POTA and Anatole) Did you really have to kill them?
Swan: Do you want to be next?
Fop: Eeep! No!!!
DA:Well THIS is really helping. Shouldn't we be organizing a plan to kill the Phantoms rather than each other?
POM: Yeah. Come on, Eric. You must have some information we can use.
POTM: Uhhhhh...I like CHiPs?
DA: Yeah...that was REAL helpful.
POTM: Leave me alone!
DA: Dork.
Swan: Imbicile.
Fop: Dumb-dumb head!
POM: Fop!
Fop: ...HEY!
POM: Whoops. my mistake. I forgot.
Fop: You meany doodey head!
POM: Don't make me hurt you squeeky.
Fop: grrr. (trying to look fierce. think angry ball of fluff)
(another large fight. Well, not so much large. Basically one good hit from POM and the Fop falls over dead.)
Swan: It's about time someone killed him!
(And finally, back at the lair, God and the Phan are having a tug-o-war with CD)
God: I think he's cute! (tugs CD)
Phan: I think he's adorable! (tugs CD)
God: I wanna smooch him! (tugs CD)
Phan: I wanna snuggle him! (tug CD)
CD: I want a Dramamine!
O: (walks into the room) What's all this then?
God: Hey look! Another one! (shoves the Phan at O)
Phan: Arg!
O: Hello there. Are you all right?
Phan: (unruffling herself) Perfect. Ab-so-shaggin'-lootly perfect....
God: (squeezes CD) Hiya Charlie!
CD: My name isn't Charlie...
God: Can I call ya Charlie anyhow? (grin)
Oh my! Will the two girls stop bickering? Will POTM carry out his mission successfully? Will the Phantoms go insane because of the two teenage girls fighting over them? Will I stop asking these annoying questions?? Stay tuned for our next surreal installment!