"Angel, don't you get it? You have sat behind your desk and not paid
attention to what was happening in the world around you. Its not an
apocalypse, it's the apocalypse."
Ever since he, Lindsey, said those words to me, it has felt like someone is slowly carving me up from the inside. To think that I have been fooled into believing that I was doing good here. I am such a fool. I knew it was too good to be true when I took the job, that I couldn't actually make a difference from within the belly of the beast. But with all the pain, and suffering and death I have seen I had to save him from that.
I wasn't man enough to save Doyle from it. I couldn't stop him from jumping. I tried to stop him; it should have been me who made that leap. Doyle knew better though, just like me, he had his own path of redemption he was working on and he knew that was his way of fulfilling it. He always called me the champion, but at that moment he was more heroic then anyone I have known. Looks like he has completed his path of redemption, and all this time I have been working against my own.
I couldn't save Buffy. Twice. She, the one girl I have ever truly loved, not only as a vampire with a soul, but as a man. The first time, Xander had to do it. One of the main reasons the two of us don't get along. His jealousy of me for being with Buffy when he wanted to be with her, and my jealousy of him cause he was able to save her, give her the breath of life. The second time, he was partially responsible for it as well. Willow did the mojo, but Xander was the one who gave her the strength and the confidence to do it, So, Xander, who has no special abilities, except for the size of his heart, has been able to save the people he cares about when I haven't been able to.
Then I wasn't smart enough to figure out what was happening to Cordy until it was too late. By the time I was able to put it together I couldn't save her. All I could do was watch her give birth to that...monster. After that Cordy slipped into a coma. I visited her. More than anyone knew. Hoping, praying, that she would come to. Cordy was my light, my ray of hope, of sunshine, in the dark world I live in. When it was my darkest hour, she came to kick my butt in gear, or so I thought. And for a moment it did, well, enough to encourage me to stop Lindsey. But, not enough to actually make a difference.
Then Fred. I deceived her. Lied to her, more than anyone else. I told her it would be safe here. Told her that she would be okay, that nothing would happen to her here in L.A. I had to talk her into staying more than once, just because I needed what she brought to our team. In the end, I wasn't good enough to protect her. Or man enough to do what I needed to in order to save her. I could have done it, but the harm it would have caused was too much. Spike was right, she wouldn't have wanted it done, even in death, and she was stronger than I could ever be.
That leads me to him. The one person I owe more to than anyone else. What I have put him thru, done to him. Or has had to endure because of me. It isn't fair to him that he has had to do this. He was part of the reason I took the job to help him, protect him from all of this, give him the one chance at having a life. Now, if what I am doing is helping the apocalypse, that isn't helping to protect him, just to now give him more terror than he will know how to handle cause of having his memory wiped.
That's it. I need to change. No more corporate suit. No more hiding behind my desk, and waiting for it to come to me. I am going to get out there, and take the fight to it. That's what I've always done, that's what I'll always do. Cause I'm Angel, and I help the .... "Conner?"
Ever since he, Lindsey, said those words to me, it has felt like someone is slowly carving me up from the inside. To think that I have been fooled into believing that I was doing good here. I am such a fool. I knew it was too good to be true when I took the job, that I couldn't actually make a difference from within the belly of the beast. But with all the pain, and suffering and death I have seen I had to save him from that.
I wasn't man enough to save Doyle from it. I couldn't stop him from jumping. I tried to stop him; it should have been me who made that leap. Doyle knew better though, just like me, he had his own path of redemption he was working on and he knew that was his way of fulfilling it. He always called me the champion, but at that moment he was more heroic then anyone I have known. Looks like he has completed his path of redemption, and all this time I have been working against my own.
I couldn't save Buffy. Twice. She, the one girl I have ever truly loved, not only as a vampire with a soul, but as a man. The first time, Xander had to do it. One of the main reasons the two of us don't get along. His jealousy of me for being with Buffy when he wanted to be with her, and my jealousy of him cause he was able to save her, give her the breath of life. The second time, he was partially responsible for it as well. Willow did the mojo, but Xander was the one who gave her the strength and the confidence to do it, So, Xander, who has no special abilities, except for the size of his heart, has been able to save the people he cares about when I haven't been able to.
Then I wasn't smart enough to figure out what was happening to Cordy until it was too late. By the time I was able to put it together I couldn't save her. All I could do was watch her give birth to that...monster. After that Cordy slipped into a coma. I visited her. More than anyone knew. Hoping, praying, that she would come to. Cordy was my light, my ray of hope, of sunshine, in the dark world I live in. When it was my darkest hour, she came to kick my butt in gear, or so I thought. And for a moment it did, well, enough to encourage me to stop Lindsey. But, not enough to actually make a difference.
Then Fred. I deceived her. Lied to her, more than anyone else. I told her it would be safe here. Told her that she would be okay, that nothing would happen to her here in L.A. I had to talk her into staying more than once, just because I needed what she brought to our team. In the end, I wasn't good enough to protect her. Or man enough to do what I needed to in order to save her. I could have done it, but the harm it would have caused was too much. Spike was right, she wouldn't have wanted it done, even in death, and she was stronger than I could ever be.
That leads me to him. The one person I owe more to than anyone else. What I have put him thru, done to him. Or has had to endure because of me. It isn't fair to him that he has had to do this. He was part of the reason I took the job to help him, protect him from all of this, give him the one chance at having a life. Now, if what I am doing is helping the apocalypse, that isn't helping to protect him, just to now give him more terror than he will know how to handle cause of having his memory wiped.
That's it. I need to change. No more corporate suit. No more hiding behind my desk, and waiting for it to come to me. I am going to get out there, and take the fight to it. That's what I've always done, that's what I'll always do. Cause I'm Angel, and I help the .... "Conner?"