BREAKFAST AT ARAGORN'S
The Menu
A horn sounded out from the King's quarters, and immediately, a small group of guards assembled there to take orders from their King, who had now moved out of his bedroom and was standing tall in front of the entrance. A beaming Arwen was at his side.
"I need you to go and find the people on this list," Aragorn said, in a voice that Arwen termed "the one where my husband tries to act important and royal but fails miserably". Sure enough, a barely audible giggle escaped Arwen's lips. Aragorn frowned, aware that his wife was teasing him yet again, but did not let the fact deter them. "Tell them they have been summoned to meet with the King. Make sure they do not tarry. The matter at hand is urgent. That will be all."
Stepping out of earshot of his wife, Aragorn beckoned the head guard back to him. Catching yet another secretive glance from her husband, Arwen sighed and re-entered their bedroom, not before she had caught Aragorn's attention by spluttering violently and mouthing sarcastically "boys".
Turning back to his guard, and maintaining a whisper, just in case Arwen was listening behind the door, Aragorn spoke. "Heran, I have a special duty for you, and ask that you be as discreet as possible about it. Now, it has come to my attention that my father-in-law, the Lord of Rivendell, is, for lack of better words..."
"Drunk?" Heran finished. "Begging your pardon, my Lord, but I know. He asked me to play some absurd drinking game with him. I politely declined."
"Good, good, you did the right thing, Heran. Well, we both know what needs to be done then. He may be a bit hard to handle, but I do not want to make a scene so..." Aragorn trailed off, thinking how the situation could be handled. He smiled. "Lead him to that little pond outside the Council Hall and be creative. Just, pretend to trip, and you know, give him a little push while you're at it. No doubt he'll appreciate the bath."
Heran grinned. "You are sneaky, my Lord. I like it." With a laugh, he left to rejoin the rest of his guard, and fulfil his duty.
Chuckling, Aragorn silently agreed, but insisted to his niggling conscience that he was merely looking out for the safety of his father-in-law. The fact that the pond Heran was to push Elrond into was full of leaves and somewhat unpleasant smelling was merely an added bonus. Finally, he could retort to the high and mighty Elf that he smelled sometimes as well.
Re-entering his quarters, Aragorn found Arwen looking out the window again, her face disapproving once more. As he moved to join her, he was glad to hear that the courts below were rather silent. Elrond and his Macarena entourage had moved elsewhere.
"What was all that about?" Arwen enquired, turning to look questioningly at her husband.
Aragorn knew he could not lie from his wife. She seemed to have the uncanny habit of knowing when someone was deceiving her, so he chose his words as cryptically as possible. "Oh, I merely asked Heran to be cautious with a few of the guests. No doubt some of our friends will be a bit..."
"Drunk? I daresay they will be. I told you we should have summoned everyone before the partying started. They probably won't understand what's going on now," Arwen concluded.
At least she hadn't questioned him any further about what he'd been speaking about with Heran. Yet with her last comment, Arwen had resurfaced all of Aragorn's doubts and worries about what his friends would think when he told them that he'd be cooking breakfast for them tomorrow. To allay his fears, he decided to argue with his wife.
"And I thought I told you, Undomiel, that everyone would've laughed in my face if I'd told them of our plans when they were still sober. No, this is the best way." Arwen looked at him, unconvinced. Not surprisingly, since Aragorn hadn't convinced himself either.
"My, my, it would be a blow to your ego, wouldn't it now? Forgive me, my love, I did not care to think about the consequences that would befall from such a tragedy." Upon seeing that her husband truly was a bundle of nerves, Arwen smiled lovingly and taking his hand, gave him a comforting kiss. "Come now, let us await our guests in the Dining Hall."
* * *
Half an hour later, all the guests, save Elrond and Gandalf, had finally assembled in the Dining Hall. Legolas and Gimli had been first to arrive. Legolas was sober, but his best friend was not. The Dwarf had greeted Aragorn with a burp, and slurred he was disappointed that Legolas had refused to participate in a drinking game with him and a few Elf-babes who were staying in Gondor. Arwen had sighed, they were probably her friends. Gimli continued, saying he didn't really mind though if Legolas acted like a pansy, (to which Legolas had objected), because for once, women were more interested in him than in Legolas. The Elf had replied that the women were disgusted with him, not impressed by him. Aragorn found this all very amusing, and when Gimli had walked off to amuse some pot-plants, he congratulated his Elf-friend for "resisting temptation".
The two friends could not discuss the matter any further, for at that moment, Faramir and Éowyn had arrived, giggling and whispering like school children. When Aragorn had commented on this fact, they giggled and whispered some more, and excused themselves. Proceeding to a corner, they discovered Gimli singing "It's A Wonderful World" to the curtains. Before the pair could make their way to another corner of the room, Éomer entered, red-faced and out of breath. Faramir and Éowyn burst out laughing, as the King of Rohan turned to glare at them silently. When asked what had happened by Aragorn and Legolas, Éomer replied that he would rather not say. Faramir and Éowyn were now wheezing and red from laughter.
Éomer was spared any further questions, for the four Hobbits had decided to arrive at that moment, alerting everyone to their presence by almost crashing through the door. When it became apparent that Merry and Pippin would not manage to walk the short distance from the door to greet Aragorn, Sam whispered something in their ears, then allowed them to stumble off towards Gimli. Sam, looking embarrassed, supported a stumbling Frodo, and whispered to the King that Frodo was a bit "tipsy", but he himself had "only had one ale, Sir, someone's got to look out for 'em". Aragorn had simply smiled, for he could not understand what Sam was saying now that three off-key voices were singing "Macho, Macho, Man".
Ten minutes later, they were still singing. "Arwen, could you brew some of your hangover draught? This Dining Hall is in danger of turning into a madhouse. And we really need to get the meeting underway," Aragorn whispered to his wife.
"But my father and Gandalf aren't here yet."
Aragorn cringed. "They're probably too busy discussing politics, or something," he replied, in what he hoped was a remotely believable voice.
"You're probably right. Besides, I pretty much know what my father has for breakfast, and Gandalf always says "just tea, thankyou", so I guess we can start the meeting. If all else fails, we can ask them tomorrow morning," Arwen decided, and went off to get the draught from the kitchen in the next room. By the time she had returned and Gimli, Merry and Pippin had somewhat recovered from their drunkenness, Elrond and Gandalf still hadn't arrived. The breakfast menu meeting started anyway.
"Dear friends and loved ones," Arwen began, smiling and with arms wide open. "You are gathered here tonight to celebrate the love and joy that has returned to Middle-Earth. As you all played a major part in bringing about this goodness, the King and I wish to reward you all, as a token of our appreciation and..."
"Arwen, don't get their hopes up," Aragorn interrupted. "From what my dear wife has been saying, you probably all think that I'm buying you a car, or something." Many faces in the crowd fell at the realisation that they were not getting a free car. "No such luck. We know that during the War, no-one had any time to eat anything so Arwen and I are simply going to be cooking you breakfast tomorrow. We've gathered you here so you can put in your breakfast menu requests."
An awkward silence filled the Dining Hall. Aragorn turned to look at each of his guests, smiling rather forcefully. In turn, each of the guests stared back at him with looks on their faces that implied he couldn't possibly be serious. Arwen looked over at her husband. He was on the verge of tears.
"So, Gimli, Legolas. What would you like to eat for breakfast," Arwen asked, trying to restore her husband's confidence in his idea. However, Gimli and Legolas looked at the Queen of Gondor with blank expressions on their faces.
"Remember, it's all you can eat," Arwen added.
"Well, in that case," Gimli started, "would it be too much to ask for a barbecue?"
"This is a breakfast, Gimli," Arwen replied.
"I thought you said it was an all you can eat breakfast?" Gimli grinned.
"Well, yes, but are you sure a barbecue to start off the day is a healthy choice?" Arwen asked, concerned.
But Gimli was no longer listening. "Yes, steak on toast, some chicken satay sticks, perhaps some lamb chops, yes, some of those. Oh, and would it be too much trouble to grill a pig? I mean, a whole pig." On seeing Arwen's expression and realising that he was not going to get a grilled pig, he added, "Perhaps some nice, crispy bacon then? I might add, you better cook a lot of bacon, I know how much Legolas loves it." Gimli winked at his friend.
Aragorn finally spoke, rather surprised that the Elf had a fetish for bacon. "I thought you didn't like bacon, Legolas?"
"I don't! I hate it!!" Legolas was shaking. "Gimli, I told you never to mention my...my distaste for bacon!"
Pippin was interested now. "Bacon's delicious. Why don't you like it, if you don't mind me asking, Legolas?"
Legolas was about to respond that he did mind Pippin asking, but Gimli interrupted him. "Remember when we arrived at Isengard and you and Master Merry were dining on salted pork? I couldn't believe it when Legolas here told me that he'd never tasted this delicacy. Later that night, since there wasn't any salted pork around, I cooked him some bacon, since it's almost as good as the pork. Let's just say, our friend didn't take to it very well."
"GIMLI! You promised!" Legolas was clearly distressed.
"Oh, so that's what started it all!" Aragorn continued, all his anxiety gone. "I thought he'd simply had a bit too much lembas bread. Don't worry Legolas, it seems that Elvish bodies aren't designed to react well with bacon. I mean, it even happened to Arwen once when I cooked her some..."
"ARAGORN!" Arwen's face turned red.
"Sorry, sorry. So then Legolas, what would you like to eat?" Aragorn asked, chuckling and eyeing his wife sympathetically.
"Some lembas bread will do fine for me, Aragorn," Legolas answered quietly, deeply embarrassed.
"Are you crazy, Legolas?" Frodo cried, a bewildered expression on his face. "Finally, you can eat some real food for breakfast, in fact, you can choose whatever you want, and here you are, asking for lembas bread! Lembas bread! What is wrong with you!"
"I take it you've grown sick and tired of lembas bread then?" Aragorn asked, calmly.
"You don't say," Frodo responded, his eyes narrowed and glaring.
"Well, what would you like then, Frodo?" Legolas asked, glaring too.
"Since you asked, pancakes, with honey. And some toasted cheese sandwiches. Make sure they don't burn. Um, also some cereal. I think Fruit Loops should suffice. And make sure they have the blue loops in them. It's a new colour, you know. I was so surprised to find it, wasn't I, Sam? Yes, Sam was there. It tastes sort of sugary, you know? Let's see some baked beans would be nice too. With extra onion please. And some spaghetti. You don't have to actually make it, you know, I wouldn't ask that much. Just the tinned cans will do. Though if you could make some apple crumble, that would be nice. And some porridge. But not too thick, or I could choke. Oh, and I almost forgot, could you make me some muffins? Chocolate chip ones? I've had a real craving for them lately. Some noodles would be nice too. You know the two minute ones? Yes, make sure they don't go soggy. And use the original flavour, the chicken one tastes sort of fake. And perhaps some pizza rolls. Make sure there's lots of ham and pineapple on them. The quality of pizza rolls has decreased as of late," Frodo finally finished counting of his fingers, looked up and smiled at Aragorn.
"Will there be anything else with that, Frodo?" the King asked, exasperated, and trying to block out Gimli's snores.
"No, that will be all," Frodo replied, "No, wait, a couple of bottles of apple juice too. I don't like orange juice. Too strong, you know."
"Ok, now you, Merry and Pippin, since you're almost falling out of your chairs with excitement."
"We'd just like to commend Frodo on his appetite. Finally, he's becoming healthy! As for us, we want double everything that Frodo's having. Minus the porridge," said Merry.
"And the noodles. Cook us some eggs instead. I request a couple of omelettes," Pippin added.
"I want scrambled. Cook us some mushrooms as a side," added Merry.
"And tomatoes. With a couple of carrots."
"Don't forget the sausages, Pip."
"How could I? I suggest you don't forget about the salted pork. I told you it was particularly good."
"Never. You can't go wrong with some bacon either. Just a little bit."
"And just so we don't look like tubs of lard by the time we return back to the Shire, throw in some cheese. The one with the holes in it. It sort of smells like Pippin's feet when he hasn't had a wash."
"Being healthy, are we now, Merry? Then perhaps I'll have some yoghurt. Vanilla. With honey."
"That's about it," Merry concluded. "I hope we're not asking for too much, Aragorn?"
"Of course not. If Gondor runs out of crops, we'll simply come and live with you in the Shire," Aragorn answered. He looked over at Arwen. Her food list was five pages long. "Right, and you Sam. What would you like?"
"Actually, I'm on a bit of a diet. I think I'll just have some sausages and 'taters," Sam replied. The other three Hobbits looked at him in shock.
"What?" he asked, somewhat annoyed. Frodo, Merry and Pippin put their heads together and started whispering, although the name "Rosie" was always said loud enough to be heard. Sam blushed.
Grateful that Sam had kept his request short, Aragorn felt inclined to prevent him from any further embarrassment. "Now that the Hobbits have ended their very small requests, is there anything extra you would like, Faramir, Éowyn, Éomer?"
"I should like some pancakes with jam, toast with Vegemite, Nutra-Grain cereal and sausages. And some coffee. Make it black. Éowyn, on the other hand, should like some pancakes, but without any topping, well, perhaps a sprinkle of sugar, two pieces of toast, one plain, the other buttered, cereal without milk and a slice of bacon. Without any fat. To drink, she should like tea. Chamomile. With one spoon of sugar," Faramir stated all this, in a very matter-of-fact tone.
Éowyn looked at Faramir incredulously. "How did you know exactly what I wanted for breakfast?"
"A just question, dear sister" Éomer added, turning to face his brother-in-law with a suspicious look on his face. "How long have you been watching my sister? How long have you haunted her steps?"
"Oh, Éomer. Stop being so over-protective. I killed the Witch-King, for crying out loud. Besides, I know what you want for breakfast. Bacon and eggs. And don't forget the Rice Bubbles."
Éomer turned to face his sister. "How long have you been watching your brother? How long have you haunted his steps?"
"Oh, brother. But I am right, aren't I?"
Éomer nodded his head. "Indeed you are, Éowyn. Indeed you are."
"You see, Éomer, it's called being observant," Faramir smiled.
"Alright!" Aragorn clapped his hands. "We've finally received all your requests. And since that took an entire hour to do, I can't be bothered making sure Arwen's written everything down." He stared at the Hobbits as he said this. But he was far from mad. Their enthusiasm, and appetites, had assured Aragorn his breakfast would be a success.
"Right then, I guess you are all dismissed. I trust you will retire to your rooms, instead of returning to the cellars again." Once again, Aragorn eyed the Hobbits as he said this. "You will need an early night, and a rumbling appetite, because bright and early tomorrow morning, you will be participate in the greatest feast Gondor has ever..."
Aragorn did not get a chance to finish his sentence, for at that moment, the door to the Dining Hall broke off its hinges. Arwen screamed, as an Elf and a Wizard raised themselves from the ground, hardly resembling the noble figures of authority that they were meant to represent.
"Are we late?" Elrond hiccoughed.
NEXT UP: Arwen explodes and everybody else listens in. Shocking revelations ensue. What have Elrond and Gandalf been up to? Why is Legolas mentioned? Will the breakfast even go ahead? Stay tuned for the next part of Breakfast at Aragorn's!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Wow, I got such a great response for this story! Thankyou all so much to everyone who reviewed, as you've encouraged me to write the first proper chapter pronto! And boy, have I had fun. I've got so many ideas, and let's just say, by the end of the breakfast (which will arrive eventually, I promise!) these characters will have lost all their honour. I think one character in particular already has. I won't name any names of course *coughELRONDcough* Anyway, hope this chapter didn't disappoint, and here are my reviewer thanks. Keep 'em coming :)
LegyLuva: My first reviewer :) Thanks for the encouragement and hope this chapter came soon enough. The freedom of holidays is sweet! Yes, I don't know what got into me, but it was quite amusing picturing Elrond doing the Macarena. Rest assured, there'll be more crazy singing and dancing to come. Thanks again :)
Mata: More as requested :) I can see Macarena Elrond is quite popular. He didn't feature much in this chapter, but he will in the next one. Thanks for the review :)
Starling: Hehe, you spelt hilarious right. Yep, I admit it, I'm a spelling freak. I figured that at some point Aragorn must've become annoyed with Elrond insisting that Arwen "take her love for him over the Sea to Valinor, where it will be evergreen". Or something like that! Thanks for the review :)
prettiest in pink: Aww, I'm glad you like the idea, it can be hard to think up original, let alone, funny ideas. Hope this chapter was both. Master Elrond will feature more prominently in the next chapter, in a humiliating situation, hehe. Oh yes, I'm not through with him just yet ;) Thanks for the review :)
Carcilwen Greenleaf: I'm honoured that you put this story on your favourites list :) Hope this chapter didn't disappoint. Oh yes, Elrond's been a naughty Elf. But I'm sure he won't be the only naughty one by the time I'm done with this story. By the way, those quotes on your bio page are hilarious! Thanks for the review :)
riddermarkmick: Yes, I sort of killed off Gondor's professional cooks. Don't tell anyone ;) We'd better hope that Aragorn can cook then! Thanks for the review :)
Catmint: Continued, as requested :) I'm very happy that you found this funny. And you'll be happy to know there'll be more of drunken Elrond coming up. Or at least, Elrond having to deal with the consequences of his drunkenness. Thanks for the review :)
Velossien: I think drunken Elrond should get his own fan club, lol. Or perhaps his own sequel Piss-Up at Elrond's. Yes, that could be fun! And I think your question was answered in this chapter. How could I not invite the Hobbits? I'll be having a lot of fun with them ;) And thanks for the menu ideas, I'm pretty sure I included them all somewhere. Thanks for the review :)
Queen Arwen: Hehe, I don't think Aragorn will ever be rid of snide hygiene remarks. At least, not in this story! Then again, it looked like he washed his hair at the end of ROTK. Thanks for the review :)
Cerridwen-Evereven: Another fan of drunk Elrond :) He'll be needing all the fans he can get when Arwen explodes at him. Hope this chapter was still funny and interesting. Thanks for the review :)
Gilraen Ar-Feiniel1: I did try to make Sam's breakfast request gluten-free, but then I remembered his love of potatoes, and that they should be avoided for people with gluten intolerance. Sorry :( Thanks for the suggestion though, and the review :)
bobby: All comments are appreciated ;) Thanks for the review :)
Once again, thanks everyone :) Until next time, have sweet dreams of a drunken Elrond ;)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*