BREAKFAST AT ARAGORN'S
The Explosion
Aragorn shuddered, as his wife shook with fury beside him. The rest of the Dining Hall screamed, shuddered, covered their eyes with their hands and muttered something about being blinded forever. Aragorn's main concern however, was for his wife. He was pretty sure that, through gritted teeth, Arwen had muttered something along the lines of, "I will kill him". A murderous Arwen was definitely not good news, but he couldn't blame her for reacting in such a way. The sight of Gandalf dressed in nothing but a towel was enough to give one nightmares for life, though the sight of Elrond in a Hawaiian shirt and breezy sarong was downright hilarious. Aragorn snorted.
"Yes, it is pretty funny, isn't it, my love?" Arwen commented. Aragorn mentally kicked himself for forgetting that his wife was still by his side. Wincing, he turned to face the Queen of Gondor, ready to meet her murderous glare, but was surprised to find that Arwen now looked calm and composed.
"Step inside, Father, Gandalf, you've obviously been swimming, and I wouldn't want you to catch a cold on the eve of the greatest breakfast Gondor has ever seen," Arwen smiled, sweetly. The guests opened their eyes, aware that something was terribly wrong. Where was the catfight everyone had been waiting for? Aragorn too, looked incredulously at his wife, but her piercing eyes were now directly focussed on her father.
"How about I fetch you some of that hangover draught I brewed? You've obviously been drinking too," she suggested a couple of minutes later, after Elrond had begun swaying.
Without waiting for an answer, Arwen stood up and left for the kitchen, while Elrond and Gandalf looked around the Dining Hall sheepishly. At this, the guests immediately closed their eyes again. Just as Gandalf began singing "The Road Goes Ever On And On", Arwen re-emerged from the kitchen, and strode up to the two drunkards.
"Drink. You'll feel much better," she said, eyeing her father with a now visible glint in her eye while he and Gandalf drank a cup of the draught she had offered. Gandalf was the first to become aware of his surroundings and turned a very deep shade of red/green/brown.
"Aragorn, my old friend," the Wizard murmured, as silently as he could. Nevertheless, the whole Dining Hall heard. "You wouldn't happen to have any spare clothes lying around, would you? I seem to have lost my robes."
Suddenly, Pippin's eyes opened excitedly, and he turned to face Gandalf. "By golly, I think I've got it! Discombobulating! Ok, ok, everyone, listen up, here it goes." Pippin cleared his throat, and continued talking in what he hoped was a deeper voice. "Fool of a Wizard! Throw on some decent pants next time and rid us of your unsightly leg hairs. Ha! I told you I'd get you back one day," Pippin said, laughing triumphantly.
Looking around, he sighed as he realised that nobody had heard him. "Damn, that was the funniest thing I ever said and no-one was around to hear it," Pippin thought to himself. "No, that's not right, that was the funniest thing I ever said and everybody ignored me. Again."
As Pippin had a mental breakdown, which nobody noticed either, Aragorn and Gandalf continued on with their conversation.
"I told you Gandalf, I don't have any spare clothes," Aragorn said, shifting uncomfortably in his chair, his face turning a deep shade of red/green/brown as well.
"You are no mere Ranger, Aragorn. You're a King now. Are you telling me that the pants you are wearing at this very moment are the only pants you have?" Gandalf continued.
"Something like that," Aragorn replied, sinking further and further beneath his chair.
"So if I were to magically claim your pants as my own..." Gandalf debated, seriously, though by now, all the guests were becoming fairly tired with this continuation of this fairly simple question.
"...Then the King would rule Gondor without any pants on. What a tragedy," Éowyn concluded. Aragorn, Faramir and Éomer all turned to stare at her, while Arwen turned to glare at her.
Faramir quickly added, "Aragorn's pants wouldn't fit you anyway Gandalf. He's a Size 14 while you're a Size 12." Aragorn, Éowyn, Éomer all turned to stare at him, while Arwen turned to glare at him.
"Are you implying that I'm fat, Lord Faramir?" Aragorn asked, a look of annoyance, rage and hurt spreading across his face.
"No, I'm simply implying that I do too much laundry around here," Faramir grumbled.
Suddenly, Elrond spoke up, the hangover draught finally having worked. "Aragorn!" he said, his voice once again stern and important-sounding. "Become who you were born to be!"
There was a loud silence across the Hall, save Gimli's snoring, which had become increasingly louder. The Dwarf turned his head sleepily, snorted, choked and all was silent. Save the crickets chirping outside.
"Pippin, did you say something?" Gandalf asked, faintly recalling the Hobbit saying something and desperate for something to break the awkward silence.
"I don't know, did I?" Pippin asked, bitterly. He turned to face Merry, "Merry, do you recall me saying anything by any chance?"
"I don't know, did you?" Merry replied, confused as to why Pippin was nodding his head and winking.
"I don't know, Merry, I asked you whether you recall me saying anything."
"I told you, Pip, I don't know. Besides, it was you who asked the question in the first place. And why do you keep shaking your head at me?"
"So did you, or didn't you?" Gandalf intervened, knowing that the Hobbits were very capable of continuing this argument for another hour to come. He glanced at the clock on the wall. It was eight-thirty already. He was late for bed and he'd missed the Balrog singing "goodnight boys and girls" on TV.
"That's right, I was going to tell you Aragorn, that you need to update your television channels. They're a bit old, if you know what I mean."
"Oh, I know, I was going to..."
"I SAID YES," Pippin yelled.
Gandalf turned to face the Hobbit, who was now standing and red in the face. "Yes what?"
"Yes, I only said something about ten minutes ago!" Pippin cried, sitting down again.
"Oh yes, that's right. Something about me getting a decent pair of pants and covering my chest hairs. Was that it?" he asked the Hobbit, who had an incredulous look on his face at having realised that somebody had been listening to him. Somewhat, anyway. "Oh yes, pants. I was going to ask you about that too, Aragorn. Seems like I'm getting forgetful in my old age." Aragorn sighed and slid further into his chair.
"Pants? Why do you need Aragorn's pants? What happened to your pants?" Elrond asked confused.
"Shh, Elrond. Never speak of my pants again. You don't know who else is listening!" Gandalf warned, sternly.
"Which reminds me..." Arwen started.
'Ohhh, that's right, we fed them to Arwen's pet shark. Now I remember," Elrond ignored his daughter, recognition dawning on his face, as Gandalf, wincing, looked over towards a steaming Arwen.
"You did WHAT?" Arwen screamed.
"Arwen has a pet shark?" Frodo whispered to Sam, gulping, shivering and very afraid.
"Now look what they've done! Gone an' upset you. I think they meant Arwen's pet lark. Yes, that would be it. Don't you worry, Mr Frodo, no Rings, Black Riders, on either horse or winged beast, Blades, Orcs, Trolls, Gollums, Smeagols, Spiders, Volcanoes or Sharks will hurt you while I'm here," Sam whispered back to his friend, with a brave expression on his face.
Frodo stared back at his loyal companion. "Sam, I simply don't like sharks."
"Oh, ok," Sam shrugged, though his face was turning red.
"Frodo and Sam! Hello! The Queen of Gondor is trying to rant here!" Arwen yelled, as both the Hobbits bowed their heads and mumbled apologies. "I know how you feel, Pippin, nobody ever listens to me either." Aragorn frowned. Pippin, on the other hand, looked around, surprised that there was another Pippin in the room. When he realised that Arwen was referring to him, he laughed shakily in reply, and slid into his chair, convinced that the Elf-Queen could read minds.
As Arwen looked sympathetically at the reddening Pippin, whose thoughts were becoming more confused by the second, Gandalf, realising that Elrond was in deep trouble, whispered, "Leave now. A wrathful daughter is a dangerous person, Elrond."
Elrond laughed. "Why? Why should I fear my own daughter?" Unfortunately for the Lord of Rivendell, Arwen happened to overhear her father say this, and so Gandalf's pleas fell on deaf ears.
"WHY? I'll tell you why you should fear your daughter, Father! Because she is EXTREMELY PISSED OFF with you! That's why!" Arwen raged. The Dining Hall shuddered in response. This was the moment everyone had been waiting for, but due to Gandalf's lack of pants, it had been somewhat delayed.
"Arwen, dearest..." Elrond started.
"OUTSIDE! NOW!" Arwen shrieked, her face an unpleasant shade of puce.
Elrond obliged reluctantly, shuffling away from the broken door and into the outside hallway uncomfortably.
"YOU!" Arwen pointed a threatening finger at Gandalf, "INSIDE! AND FIX THE DOOR!" The Wizard obediently obliged, and whispered a "good luck" to Elrond before shuffling out of the Queen's way. Arwen glared at him as she past, then slammed the repaired door violently, so that it broke off its hinges once more. She didn't notice it this time.
Gandalf quickly scampered to sit beside Aragorn to await the storm that was coming. Tension mounted inside the Dining Hall, as all was silent outside. Then the explosion came.
"YOU GOT DRUNK! Didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?"
"Well, you could say that."
"After I SPECIFICALLY told you NEVER to touch another ale or alcoholic beverage, for that matter, after that...that LAST INCIDENT. Or have you forgotten about the last time. SPEAK!"
"Arwen, my dearest daughter, you're clearly overreacting."
"Don't you dearest daughter me! Overreacting? OVERREACTING! You went SKINNY-DIPPING at Galadriel's ANNIVERSARY party. Remember! Do you have ANY IDEA how EMBARRASSED I felt when the twins came up to me and told me you'd been found SKINNY-DIPPING and as DRUNK as a...as a I DON'T KNOW! I am still emotionally scarred from that incident. Not to mention horrified, shocked and downright disgusted at even the THOUGHT of you partaking in such CHILDISH behaviour."
"Arwen, I told you that wasn't my fault! Legolas dared me to do it."
Legolas cringed, as everyone in the Hall turned to look at him with shocked expressions on their faces. Except Gimli, who was still asleep.
"I don't care if Iluvatar HIMSELF dared you to do it! Have you ever been talking with your GRANDMOTHER when she is informed that your FATHER is prancing around NAKED in a RIVER?!"
"Well, no..."
"Explain your actions IMMEDIATELY!"
"I told you, Legolas made me do it."
"Not THOSE actions, TONIGHT'S actions!"
"Well, um, you see Arwen, I was, um, sipping lemonade innocently with Gandalf when a shower of ale fell from the heavens."
"ADA!"
"Ok, ok, Gandalf bet that I couldn't polish off a keg of ale before he could."
Gandalf cringed, as everyone in the Hall turned to look at him with shocked expressions on their faces. Except Gimli, who was still asleep.
"So, let me get this straight, if Gandalf told you to go jump off a cliff, would you go jump off a cliff?"
"Of course not! Arwen, I'm not..."
"WRONG ANSWER! Iluvatar, next time Ada decides to get DRUNK, let him jump off a cliff! At least then we'd be rid of your CONSTANT STUPIDITY!"
"You're just angry, Arwen. I can understand that. But you wouldn't really want me to fall off a cliff...would you?"
"Do I look like I'm JOKING?"
"No but...hey, I resent that!"
"And I resent the fact that YOU have to act like an IMBECILE on the eve of the GREATEST BREAKFAST Gondor has ever seen.!"
"Breakfast? No-one ever told me of any breakfast!"
"If you'd BOTHERED to TURN UP when you were summoned, then maybe you would have been ENLIGHTENED with this fact!"
"Summoned? Oh. OH! Now, I...um, yes, am I...am I invited?"
"I don't know, SHOULD you be?"
"No, no, no," Aragorn whispered inside the Dining Hall. Everyone turned to look at him with expressions of puzzlement. "I mean, NO WAY is Arwen going to let him come to the breakfast now," he chuckled nervously.
"I don't know, you tell me."
"Resorting to Merry and Pippin's level, now are we?"
Everyone in the Hall turned to look at Merry and Pippin with expressions that clearly showed they agreed with Arwen. The two Hobbits glared. And Gimli continued sleeping.
"Well, considering I could have you ARRESTED for CHILD NEGLIGENCE, because not once have you EVER cooked me breakfast, then the answer should be no..." In his mind this time, Aragorn praised his wife. "...but I'm not a MEAN or RUDE person, so if you can give me one GOOD reason why you should be invited, then you CAN come tomorrow."
"I really want to taste that 99% fat free margarine of yours. I've heard it's marvellous."
"AND IT IS! Ok, all is forgiven. You can come." This time in his mind, Aragorn scolded his wife.
"Excellent! In that case, I'll also have some French..."
"HOLD IT! IN THAT CASE? What, in that case? Oh, I'm SORRY, I forgot to mention your PUNISHMENT! Yes, you are being punished, Father. I said, all was FORGIVEN, but you can't act like an idiot and expect to get away with it! I'm sure even YOU understand that's only fair. IN THAT CASE, I relinquish all my cooking duties to you. For ONCE in your immortal life, YOU are going to cook ME breakfast. Here are the menu requests. Yes, your eyes do not deceive you, it IS five pages long. And as for ME, you can cook me EVERYTHING on that list. I've got A LOT of catching up to do."
At the news of this, Merry and Pippin instantly forgave the Queen for insulting them. They could hardly imagine that their appetites were being challenged by an Elf, especially Arwen, and had a newfound sense of respect for her.
"I can't possibly cook this on my own." Aragorn enjoyed the fact that Elrond sounded extremely grieved, and extremely sorry for what he'd done. Please, tell him he has to cook it all, he thought.
"Of course not! I'm not that cruel, Father. Aragorn will help you. And remember, YOU are to cook everything for ME, WITHOUT Aragorn's help. I'll KNOW if you don't." Aragorn's face drooped. This couldn't be happening. Pippin, however, was even more convinced that Arwen could read minds.
"Ok, ok, my daughter. Anything for you. Can I go now?"
"NO! I'm not done yet! What REALLY happened to your clothes? You are never EVER to wear a Hawaiian shirt and sarong AGAIN. Understand? Good. OH ERU, IT'S A TRANSPARENT SARONG! WHY? Why must I be TORMENTED?"
"I'll change immediately."
"No, you won't! You'll change when I am out of sight! And you didn't answer my question! What happened to your REAL clothes."
"I told you, we fed them to Chubb-Wubb."
"HOW COULD YOU! I'll make sure that next time he eats YOU instead! I can't take this anymore. WHAT did I do to deserve a father like you? Oh, for Eru's sake, go and change your clothes!"
Footsteps were heard swiftly running down the hallway, as a reddened, rasping and wild-looking Arwen appeared back inside the Dining Hall, which was now deathly silent. Except for Gimli, who had started snoring again.
"Aragorn...if...you...need...me...I'll...be...in...our...room."
Aragorn, reluctant to respond lest his wife blow up at him too, squeaked a muffled "okay" and tried to nod sympathetically. The rest of the Dining Hall watched as the Queen of Gondor walked past the table, fists shaking, and through the door that led to the kitchen. No-one dared breathe, as banging and crashing sounded from the room. Finally, Arwen re-emerged, pulling a trolley laden with many buckets of ice-cream.
"Goodnight all. See you at breakfast tomorrow morning," she said, smiling again and in a calm voice.
Some muffled replies of "goodnight" and "see you" sounded across the Dining Hall, but Arwen was already gone. Finally, once the sound of the Queen's trolley could no longer be heard, everyone allowed themselves to exhale. Then Aragorn, having forgotten momentarily he would be cooking with this Elf tomorrow morning, turned to Legolas and said, "You dared Elrond to go skinny-dipping? YOU LEGEND!"
There was a grunt and a huge yawn (to which everyone responded by yawning too), and finally a loud burp. Gimli's somewhat sleepy voice spoke up. "Elrond? Skinny-dipping? Did I miss something?"
NEXT UP: It's the morning of the breakfast and it's time for Elrond and Aragorn to start cooking! Will they bury their hatchet for the sake of their friends? Or will the breakfast be forgotten amidst taunts and insults? And just who is caught singing "The Ketchup Song"? Stay tuned for the next part of Breakfast at Aragorn's!
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AUTHOR'S NOTES: Once again, I must start this off with a huge thankyou to all my reviewers and am so thrilled that you are enjoying reading this. You guys really make my day! I hope this instalment was still funny and didn't keep you waiting too long ;) Alas, when school starts, I might take even longer. But there's still four glorious days of holidays left. FOUR, I TELL YOU. Argh. Anyway, I'm really enjoying writing this, and this chapter included ideas that weren't even in my original thoughts. Although I omitted one idea, which will come up in later chapters. Let's just say, Pippin berating Gandalf for being a Fool of a Wizard wasn't so far off the mark ;) Now for my proper thankyous :)
LegyLuva: Yep, you were my first reviewer for the first proper chapter too :) *have a LOTR plushie doll* I'm glad you found it funny, hope this one didn't disappoint. And as you can see, Arwen's got herself out of cooking breakfast. For now anyway. Lol, and I'd love to see that part on the FOTR EE, but I didn't have a DVD player for such a long time, and now that I do have one, and want to watch the EE, I can't seem to find it anywhere! Argh! Thanks for the review :)
prettiest in pink: Oh, yes, humiliating situations are lots of fun, and I have a nice big one planned for a later chapter. *laughs evilly* Lol, I'm glad you liked the tipsy hobbits, there'll be plenty more adventures for them. Who knows, even Sam may get tipsy ;) Thanks for the review :)
Carcilwen Greenleaf: Yes, I'm a sucker for quotes, I fear I will soon have to dedicate my entire bio to quotes, lol. Anyway, I figured Frodo would be hungry after such a long time eating lembas bread. And then he goes and forgets the taste of strawberries. Poor Frodo! Thanks for the review and for all the faith you have in my story :)
Chilamala: Hi, and welcome aboard to the madness of my strange brain :) I'm glad you liked Frodo's order, even though it went on forever. Lol, and a drunken Elrond is pretty funny to imagine, isn't it? Though I'm thinking he's wishing he hadn't got drunk anymore ;) Thanks for the review :)
Catmint: I'm happy this made you laugh in the middle of uni :) Hope you didn't get into any trouble though ;) I hate the fact that I can't access ff.net at my school, because it's blocked for violence or something. Sheesh (sorry, fave word of the moment!) Then again, perhaps it's better that they don't stumble across this story. Anyway, hope this chapter was funny too. Yes, and I think writing Piss-Up At Elrond's would be fun. And evil ;) Thanks for the review, and all the encouragement :)
Queen Arwen: Lol, I was really happy and proud of that line, glad you liked it too. My brother fails to see the humour in it. Then again, he's not a LOTR fanatic! Hope this chapter provided some laughs too, even though I didn't update straight away. *cringes and hides* Thanks for the review :)
Kekelina: Yay, another new reviewer :) Welcome to the wacky world of my imagination :) I'm glad you liked that line, I hoped it would fit well, and it seems it did. Hope you found a funny line in this chapter as well. And I know about getting weird looks from the family. In fact, whenever I share a (hopefully) funny idea for this story with my brother, he looks at me as if I'm insane. Eh. Thanks for the review :)
Cerridwen-Evereven: I'm glad that you found it to be a hilarious chapter. It's what I'm hoping for ;) Hope peeved Arwen and a drunk Elrond turned regretful Elrond facing the consequences of his actions provided a laugh too. Though I also hope that there weren't any tea accidents ;) They can be nasty. Hmm, perhaps there can be a tea accident in the breakfast! See, you've been an inspiration :) Thanks for the review :)
RAM: Hmm, three votes for Éomer's line? I think we have a winner for the funniest line of the chapter! Glad it made you laugh and thanks for the review :)
Keep 'em coming, folks :) I really appreciate all that you have to say. Besides, you don't want to be haunted by Elrond in his Hawaiian shirt and see-through sarong, and Gandalf in his, erm, towel ;)
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