BREAKFAST AT ARAGORN'S
The Morning
Aragorn walked slowly down the hallway to his bedroom, sighing at the realisation that it was now ten o'clock, and Arwen was probably bloated with ice-cream and lying passed out on the floor as a result. So much for a romantic wedding night.
Finally reaching his room, Aragorn opened the door then, with a sense of satisfaction, slammed it. On finding this activity to be a very soothing way in which to relieve stress and frustration, he repeated the process. Again. And again. And again. Besides, maybe Arwen would wake up.
"Aragorn, what in Middle-Earth are you doing?" Arwen's voice rose above the racket of the door.
"Sorry, did I wake you?" the King of Gondor enquired.
Arwen's face appeared. "Not at all. I've been having a jolly good time watching the inhabitants of Gondor make fools of themselves on our security camera network. See, I told you it was a good idea to have them installed."
Aragorn studied his wife, somewhat surprised at what she had just said. "Well, yes, it is a good idea to have security cameras. For security reasons. Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems to me, Arwen, that you are using them for entertainment purposes. Which is quite different. I never would have thought you'd be one for spying, my love." At the thought of his noble wife acting as a spy, Aragorn couldn't help but smirk.
"You'd be surprised. In this instance though, I'm not really spying on anyone. I'm simply looking out for everyone's wellbeing. We can't have a repeat of a...certain incident," Arwen's strangled voice brought the King back to reality, though she had now returned back to bed. "And don't you be smirking at me, Aragorn."
"Security camera, right?" Aragorn answered, a bit unsettled. He couldn't remember allowing a security camera to be installed in the bedroom. His wife came back into view. She was sitting calmly on their bed, ice-cream nowhere in sight. She polished that off quick, Aragorn thought. Arwen's face was positioned in the direction of the security camera network, but Aragorn could see her eyes darting mischievously towards him.
"No, dear, woman's intuition." Arwen's straight face broke out into a smirk, as she noticed Aragorn's confused expression. "I suggest you go to sleep and recover your strength, Aragorn. You have a big day ahead of you tomorrow."
Aragorn grumbled. Recover his strength. What nerve! He would need more than his full strength to survive cooking breakfast with Elrond. Indeed, he needed a miracle. At least, there was still time to set a plan into motion. He would get that miracle. But first, the King needed some sleep. Watching his wife's expression as he joined her on their bed, Aragorn set his alarm clock while pondering something Pippin had told him after the guests had left the Dining Hall. Indeed, it seemed that the young Hobbit had not been lying when he claimed that the Queen of Gondor could read minds.
***
Beep beep, beep beep. Beep beep, beep beep. Aragorn growled. What was that sound? Then it dawned on him. It was his alarm, which meant it must be...
"Midnight. Right on time," Aragorn exclaimed, as he glanced up at the quietly ticking clock. Sitting up in bed, the King peered over at his wife, who had obviously tired of "looking out for everybody's wellbeing" and was now fast asleep. While Aragorn appreciated the peace in his room, it was apparent from the occasional yells and bursts of song that many Gondorians were still partying the night away. For a second, Aragorn felt tempted to go down to the grounds and maybe even partake in some of these activities, but then he remembered the whole point of setting his alarm for the midnight hour in the first place. It was time to put his plan into action. If all went well, it wouldn't matter that he was wasting valuable sleeping time, because he wouldn't be waking up at four in the morning, but rather a more respectable hour.
Aragorn leaned over his sleeping wife and observed her breathing. It was heavy. She was definitely asleep.
It was time. And Faramir was so dead if this "sleep psychology", or whatever he had called it, didn't work.
"Arwen," he whispered, "Earlier in the night, you came to the decision that Elrond, your father, and Aragorn, your husband, would be cooking, together, the biggest breakfast Gondor has ever seen. You have now come to another decision. You are still very, very angry with your father and now wish for him to cook the breakfast all on his own. Your husband's assistance is no longer required, and you will allow him to sleep in until breakfast is ready. Sweet dreams."
With that, Aragorn laid back down on his pillow, content. Thankyou, Faramir.
"Aragorn," a voice whispered. Aragorn opened his eyes and sat up in bed. This could not be good. "Arwen, your wife, was not actually asleep at the time you attempted to relinquish your cooking duties, having finished watching the security cameras only a few minutes beforehand. However, she was able to fool you due to her amazing acting abilities. As a punishment for your sneaky behaviour, you can go fetch her some ice-cream and then go back to sleep. On the couch."
Aragorn bolted out of bed, ran to the refrigerator, grabbed a tub of chocolate chip ice-cream, dropped it by Arwen's bedside, snatched a blanket from the cupboard and ran to the couch, all the while cursing in his head and avoiding looking at his wife. His miracle had just blown up in his face. So much for sleeping in.
"You know, Arwen," Aragorn started, settling in to sleep on the cold and uncomfortable couch, "with the amount of ice-cream you've eaten, and are still eating, you won't be able to eat anything for breakfast in the morning."
"If I were you, Aragorn, I'd be less worried about my appetite and more concerned with thinking up creative ways of torturing Faramir."
The King's eyes widened and his retort died in mid-thought. Had he just heard that correctly? How in Middle-Earth did Arwen know about Faramir's "sleep psychology", unsuccessful as it was. Aragorn pulled the blanket up to his ears. It was true then. Arwen Undomiel really was a mind-reader.
Unwilling to explore this concept any further, Aragorn turned onto his side, and fell into a fitful sleep.
***
CRASH! CRASH! CRASH! Aragorn screamed. What was THAT sound? Opening his eyes, a pair of massive cymbals came blurrily into view. Aragorn rubbed his eyes.
"Good morning, sweetpea. I trust you had a pleasant sleep," Arwen's smiling face came into focus.
"Arwen, I know I pissed you off with that whole sleep psychology stuff, but really, I need all the sleep I can get, remember?" Aragorn answered, grumpily.
Arwen laughed. "I'm afraid that's all the sleep you're going to get. It's four in the morning already, which I believe was the time set down to commence cooking. And if you're to meet the six o'clock deadline, then you better get your ass off to the Kitchen, pronto!"
"But it's still night-time! Look, the stars are twinkling, the moon is..." Aragorn began to protest.
"And guess what, Shakespeare, I'm hungry." Arwen's innocent grin became wider.
"And guess what, I'm not in charge of cooking your breakfast. I'm going back to bed," the King replied, annoyance becoming apparent in his voice as he turned his back to his wife..
The Queen's tone, however, softened, and she began cooing as if her husband was a baby. "Aww, look, who's a grumpy-wumpy then?" Aragorn did not respond, and Arwen's voice became serious again. "You give me no choice, Elessar."
Suddenly, Aragorn found himself on the floor, tangled in between his blankets, but determined that his wife would not win. What else could she do?
CRASH! CRASH! CRASH!
"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. I'M UP, I'M UP!"
"Just making sure," Arwen taunted, hiding the cymbals behind her back as her husband slowly picked himself up from the floor.
"Of course," the King grumbled, finding some clothes to wear. "You were just looking out for my wellbeing, weren't you, Undomiel?"
"Precisely," Arwen replied, disappearing out of sight.
"You know, sweetpea, since you're also up, you could help me with the cooking," Aragorn called out in what he hoped sounded like a confident voice. That would be a true miracle.
"Yeah right, Elessar, in your dreams."
"Very funny. So you're just going to go back to bed, and let your husband suffer. And I thought that you loved me," Aragorn put on an injured tone, and finished dressing, just as Arwen reappeared.
"Of course I'm not going to go back to bed and let my husband suffer. What kind of a woman do you take me for?" Arwen watched her husband's face light up with hope, then fall at the sight of what she revealed in her hands. "I'm going to straighten my hair instead. I assure you, in two hours, you'll have the best looking wife in all of Gondor."
And with that, Arwen walked off, leaving a speechless Aragorn with no choice but to go and commence cooking.
***
Walking down the darkened halls of his kingdom, Aragorn was startled to almost trip over a warm lump he had not discerned in the darkness. Bending down to investigate what he had almost fallen over, the smell of alcohol alerted the King to the fact that there were probably many drunken Gondorians lying passed out all over his floors. He couldn't help but chuckle at this fact. At least they weren't still partying. Indeed, Aragorn noted how quiet everything was. Not an uncomfortable quiet, like that experienced in wartime, but a pleasant, reflective quiet. Turning the corner that led to the Dining Hall and the Kitchen, Aragorn realised it was certainly a sound he could get used...
"ASEREJÈ JA DE JÈ DE JEBE TU DE JEBERE SEIBUINOUVA
MAJAVI AN DE BUGUI AN DE BUIDIDIPI
"ASEREJÈ JA DE JÈ DE JEBE TU DE JEBERE SEIBUINOUVA
MAJAVI AN DE BUGUI AN DE BUIDIDIPI"
On opening the door to the Dining Hall, Aragorn was greeted to an explosion of sound. So much for the QUIET! Aragorn sighed. But his exasperation quickly left him as his eyes registered a most bizarre sight. There was Elrond, in pyjamas and an apron (which Aragorn noted with great relief was not transparent), on top of a table, head-banging and singing into a wooden spoon. The King's jaw dropped.
It was only when the smell of burning toast began to waft through the Hall that Aragorn finally recovered from his shock. Elrond, however, noticed neither Aragorn nor the burning toast, but continued to sing loudly, incorrectly and very off-key. Must...turn...off...stereo, Aragorn concluded, desperately.
Elrond still did not notice Aragorn, as he rushed around the room, seeking to end the torment of an Elf trying, and failing, to sing Spanglish. On entering the kitchen, Aragorn discovered an array of cereals, breads, flours, meats, eggs, fruits and juices scattered around the table. It was amongst this mess that Aragorn found the stereo. In his mad rush to turn it off, the King of Gondor slipped on an apple, and went crashing into the section of the table which just so happened to be laden with barrels of flour.
A strange scream escaped Aragorn's lips as he slowly made his way across to the stereo, and turned it off. Sitting down in the middle of the floor, Aragorn pulled his knees to his chest, and began rocking back and forth.
"Alas, that these evil days are mine. How did it come to this?"
Elrond, however, had not heard the commotion inside the kitchen. Instead, he continued singing, "playing sexy felling hotter, he's the king..."
"King. King," Aragorn repeated. A sudden realisation dawned on him. "Aragorn. King. Gondor. Breakfast. Cooking. With Elrond. Singing. Really Badly. Must Stop. Talk In Proper Sentences."
A sudden eruption shook the Dining Hall.
"ELROND, LORD OF RIVENDELL! COME IN HERE THIS INSTANT AND LOOK AT WHAT YOUR STUPIDITY HAS CAUSED!"
Slowly, the door to the Kitchen opened, but Elrond remained out of sight.
"Show yourself!"
"I foresaw it," Elrond whispered mysteriously, entering the room. "In the gathering dark, I did. I foresaw that this cooking quest will claim your sanity. But it is the risk we all took. And I thought, do I leave Aragorn to his fate? Do I let him stand alone?" The Elf paused.
"Well, obviously," Aragorn grumbled.
"Of course," Elrond agreed, his voice returned to its normal self, "I mean, you don't see the King of Gondor covered in flour every day, now do you?"
"Nor do you see the Lord of Rivendell dancing on tabletops with a wooden spoon. You really need to get yourself a girl, mate," Aragorn retorted.
"Hey! That was uncalled for! Gandalf gave me some music albums last night, said they'd ease the quest at hand..."
Aragorn interrupted, "How very thoughtful of him. Provide Elrond with some music albums so he can handle cooking breakfast, yet torture us with countless renditions of "The Road Goes Ever On And On" while journeying to save the world. His love of the Halfling's Leaf really has slowed his mind."
"AND SINCE," Elrond continued, "we are cooking, I thought a song entitled 'The Ketchup Song' would be quite fitting."
"Well, letting your dandruff fly all over the dining tables as a result of your pathetic head-banging is not fitting."
"You're one to talk about personal hygiene, King of Gondor. If you hadn't washed your hair for the coronation, we could have cooked Gimli's barbecue on your head!"
The flour on Aragorn's face began to glow. Unable to think of a witty remark, Aragorn grabbed the nearest barrel of flour and threw it in Elrond's direction. The Elf darted aside, grabbed a nearby carton of eggs, and, before Aragorn could move out of the way, emptied the contents onto the King's head.
"Looks like yesterday's bath was a waste of time," Elrond taunted, as a basket of fruit narrowly missed his face. "Give it up, Elessar. You can't win a food fight with an Elf."
"Maybe not," Aragorn admitted, "But at least I can sing! So there!"
"What's singing got to do with all of this?" Elrond asked, emerging from the shadows.
"Remember 'The Ketchup Song'?"
"Yes, I remember it. I was singing about ketchup. So?" Elrond asked, slightly confused.
"I got news for you, buddy," Aragorn exclaimed, "'The Ketchup Song' ain't about ketchup!"
Still confused, Elrond didn't notice the slices of ham in Aragorn's hand until they were sliding down his nose.
"Well," Elrond fumed, taking hold of the ham slices and throwing them to the floor in disgust, "I didn't understand your pretty little coronation song yesterday."
This time, it was Aragorn's turn to be confused.
"But it was in Elvish!"
"That's the point!" Elrond replied, unleashing the tomatoes stashed in his apron pocket and watching them wash down Aragorn's floured face.
"I get it! You were insulting my singing! Well, I'll have you know that my 'pretty little coronation song' moved the audience to tears, whereas, your pathetic karaoke attempt would have had orcs being committed to mental asylums!" Aragorn yelled, infuriated
"Well, I'll have you know, Mr Middle-Earth Idol, that my 'pathetic karaoke attempts' protected the borders of Rivendell from orc invasion for many centuries!" Elrond screamed, purple with rage.
"So I was right!" Aragorn's face gleamed with victory.
"I guess you were!" Elrond replied. "I mean..."
"THAT'S GREAT!" The King of Gondor and Lord of Rivendell turned swiftly around to face this new voice, only to find it was...
"Arwen!" Elrond began, "What are you..."
"...doing here?" Aragorn finished, half choking.
"Well, I don't know, I thought that perhaps some of my BREAKFAST would be READY by now, so off I go to the Kitchen. And what do I find? YOU TWO BUFFOONS THROWING MY UNPREPARED BREAKFAST ON THE FLOOR!"
Aragorn and Elrond looked at each other, and a mutual understanding passed between them. Only minutes before, they had been prepared to murder each other, albeit with food. Now however, they had to put aside their differences and work towards a common goal- the prevention of being murdered by a vengeful Arwen.
"We still have time," Aragorn stated, glancing at Elrond.
Elrond nodded in agreement. "Time enough to counter this mess if we act quickly."
"Time?" Arwen muttered, her voice barely audible, all the while, moving towards an overturned pile of cutlery glinting on the floor. "What time do you think we have?"
Clasping a large butcher's knife, the Queen of Gondor looked menacingly from her father to her husband.
"The hour is later than you think." And with that, Arwen threw the knife at the shutters, which opened to reveal bright sunlight and a mass of people sitting at benches in the courtyard below.
"IT'S 6 A.M AND YOU HAVEN'T STARTED BREAKFAST!!!"
NEXT UP: It's breakfast time, and there's no breakfast! How do the guests react when they are alerted to this fact? Can the Hobbits save the day? And just how will a hungry and fuming Arwen get revenge? Stay tuned for the next part of Breakfast at Aragorn's!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Once upon a time, cosmo-queen was inspired to write a story called "Breakfast at Aragorn's". She was so inspired she wrote three chapters in a matter of days. Many people reviewed this story, and cosmo-queen was very happy. Then, cosmo-queen became uninspired due to the return of school, and just could not write this chapter. But she comes back to you now at the turn of the tide- with a new chapter. Which is great, except everyone has probably forgotten about this story. But anyway, cosmo-queen sat down at her computer one day (during the holidays) and started writing. Even the wisest could not tell how it was going to turn out. All cosmo-queen hopes is that this chapter turned out remotely funny. She also hopes to continue with this story on a regular basis, considering she can't really draw out a breakfast forever! Now cosmo-queen will thank all the people who reviewed her story some three months ago...
LegyLuva: I'm glad you found the chapter funny. And indeed, witnessing Elrond skinny-dipping would be a horrible experience. Especially if he happened to your father. I think you'd have scars even if you weren't related, lol. Be warned that more shameful and disturbing events may occur in the future. I'm not done torturing the characters just yet! Thanks for the review :)
AuronLives: Welcome! I'm very glad you found this funny. Yes, pants can be interesting things, can't they? A certain incident which occurred on my Year 11 camp, which involved pants being torn, springs to my mind. But that's another story in itself! Thanks for the review :)
Catmint: Wow, so much praise! Thankyou very much! The favourite stories list is a high honour indeed! I'm glad that Arwen's hissy fit made you laugh and that it was befitting of an award (the FF.NET Oscars, now there's an idea!), because such a large part of the chapter involved Arwen screaming, and if it had been unfunny, then I would have been screwed, lol. Sorry that Chapter 4 didn't roll on for such a long time, but hopefully, now that it's here, it's still laugh-worthy. Again, thanks for the review and the praise :)
The Second Geek: Welcome! Funniest thing you've ever read? I can feel my ego growing ;) I'm glad that it made your day though, if I can do that with this story, then it's all worth it. Thanks for the review :)
EFDGamgee: Welcome! I know I'm doing something right when I'm getting readers rolling around on the floor laughing ;) Thankyou so much for all your kind words and of course, for the review :)
Cerridwen-Evereven: As long as I evoke at least one laugh, then I'm happy. And yes, I must remember to include a tea incident. Especially since I experienced my own a few weeks ago. Let's just say choking on your tea in front of your classmates and teacher is just a tad bit embarrassing! Thanks for the review :)
Queen Arwen: Lol, I think there's a bit of "ranting elf queen" in me too. No wonder my household is so loud! I'm going to assume though that you're not a knife-wielding elf queen ;) Thanks for the review :)
Carcilwen Greenleaf: Uproarious. I like that word! Yes, Elrond and Gandalf in various states of undress is disturbing. Let's just hope there were no teachers reading that part ;) But what's worse is that there might be more to come. Agh. I'm disgusted with myself now, lol. Well, if that ever does happen, people are going to start wishing they had listened to Pippin. Hope this chapter was still insane. Thanks for the review :)
mata: Yay, another reader rolling around on the floor as a result of reading my story :) Yes, Elrond and Gandalf did get themselves into a bit of an embarrassing situation, didn't they? And I don't think that was for the last time either! Thanks for the review :)
prettiest in pink: Indeed, Aragorn kissed his wedding night goodbye. He's probably starting to wish the breakfast had never been organised in the first place. And yes, even Arwen must've got angry once in a while. You can't live for thousands of years and be continually happy! And don't worry, even though Legolas didn't sing "The Ketchup Song", we can organise some karaoke for him. Thanks for the review :)
Chilamala: Chubb-Wubb returns your greetings, and says that he might appear in the future. Once he's digested Elrond's pants, lol. As a result of the lack of cooking, Arwen just got a whole lot scarier, didn't she? And yes, these Elves are too quiet. Piss-Up At Elrond's is looking very fun indeed! Thanks for the review :)
Gilraen Ar-Feiniel1: Now, since there's a bit of trouble getting this breakfast started, and the Hobbits could fix this problem, and Merry and Pippin are Hobbits, then I'm thinking that "extra something" in the breakfast is a real possibility :) But don't tell anyone ;) Thanks for the reviews :)
Terreis: Aww, thanks so much for putting this story on your favourite stories list, and me on your favourite authors list. I feel very special indeed! And my imagination would like to thank you for your kind compliment. It's a bit crazy at the best of times, but I love it anyway. Yes, Legolas does have a bit of a wild side. I hope to show more of it soon! And four votes it is then for Éomer's line! Thanks for the review :)
Llcatz: Well, it took me only a month and twelve days after your review to update. Thanks for the reminder :)
KemonyMicket: I must be doing something right if I get so many LOL after one another. Thanks for the review :)
Since I'm now reinspired, it would be great to hear from all of you guys again. No doubt, it would help keep me inspired. And besides, no-one wants to be chased by a knife-wielding Arwen for not reviewing ;)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*