Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related ideas are copyrighted and property of J.K. Rowling. I in no way own or claim anything henceforth with exception to the invented storyline.
Author's Note: You want more funnies? Here's more funnies! I must say this story was largely inspired by South Park and my girlfriend who is so wonderful she doesn't call me a dork or even look the other way when I call her Hermione. Isn't she great? J Oh and no I have nothing against Goth people, they just make good targets for jokes. Trust me if you've seen me, I do too.
Author's Note P.S.: If this gets a little nuts forgive me, but Media Player is playing "I'm the very model of a modern major general" for about the four hundredth time in a row. Stupid Pirates.
Harry Potter and the Conformist (Goth Kids)
Scene: Harry, Hermione, and Ron are sitting by the lake. School is out for the weekend and they're just relaxing.
Ron: What are you reading Hermione?
Hermione: It's a book on Heliogabalus.
Ron: Helio...? Who'd a whata?
Hermione: (Sighs) Heliogabalus was a-(is cut off by Harry)
Harry: Save your breath Hermione.
Ron: Hey I might be interested.
Harry: Yes and OJ might be innocent. (Points over Ron's shoulder to a group of three kids huddled by a tree) I've never seen those kids before? Who are they? And why are they not wearing robes?
Hermione: (Looks up closing her book) I don't know, and are they…smoking?
Ron: (Looks over too) I can't believe I've never noticed those kids before. You think someone who doesn't wear robes and wears bright colors like…white would really stand out. Let's go say hi. (The three of them get up and walk over to the tree that the three kids are sitting underneath)
(Goth 1, 2, and 3 are sitting under a tree smoking. All of them are wearing white clothes and smoking. Number two twitches randomly. Yes, kudos to me on coming up with great names like Goth kid 1. I do rule don't I)
G1: (Looks up at them) Oh look guys, it's the conformist.
Hermione: What?
G1: I said look it's the conformist. (Takes a drag on his cigarette)
Harry: Um…ok. My name is Harry Potter, and these are my best friends Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley.
G2: We don't have names like you conformist junkies. We're the Goth kids.
Hermione: (Sits down across from them with Harry and Ron) Hogwarts has Gothic kids?
G1: No we're just here smoking and rebelling and trying to draw attention for ourselves to make up for childhood abandonment for no reason. (Rolls his eyes) Of course Hogwarts has Goth kids.
Ron: But wait. Aren't Goth kids supposed—
G3: (Jumps up violently) I've got it. Everyone listen I just wrote a new poem. (Clears his throat) Magic…is like death. Life…is like death. Pain is death. Death is suffering. My soul is bleeding all over me. (Sits back down and puffs on his cigarette)
Harry, Hermione, Ron: (Stare blankly at him)
G1: Oh man that poem was so great. (To Harry) He's out poetry writer. We all write but nothing comes close to the stuff he comes up with. He doesn't say much else though.
Ron: Right…anyway like I was trying to say. Aren't Goth kids supposed to wear all black and chains and make-up and the works?
G2: Yeah those conformist Goth kids in the muggle world. (Twitches) We're magic Goth kids. Since everyone around here wears all black, we wear white. See we're rebelling against the system.
Hermione: I've always wondered maybe you can help me, what is the appeal of being Gothic?
G1: Because unlike all those people who call themselves "popular" and "perfectionist" we on the other hand don't care what people think of us. We try to draw attention away from us. This way we can infect the system and destroy it from the inside. See it's just waiting around to be destroyed because as we all know we just live to die. So why wait around so long?
Hermione: But if you don't want to draw attention to yourself why do you dress so radically? Doesn't that kind of ruin your point by actually drawing more attention to yourself? And if you wanted to change the system why don't you petition and try to change legislature instead of sitting around smoking?
G1: … (Looks at G2)
G2: … (Looks at G3)
G3: … (Looks back at G2)
G2: … (Looks back at G1)
G1: …You must be one of those conformists.
Hermione: You don't even know what that means do you? You do realize by all dressing the same and acting the same you're starting new kinds of conformities?
G3: (Jumps up violently again making Hermione shriek in fright) PAIN IS MY LIFE! What is love? If not a burning flame on which to hang my body and decapitate my soul. I can't eat! I can't breathe! (Sits back down)
Harry: Does he do that all the time?
G2: (Twitches) Pretty much.
Hermione: (Shakes her head in disgust as she's offered a cigarette)
Harry: Have you guys always been here? We've never seen you before. I suppose you support Voldemort don't you?
G1: Who gives a rats ass about Voldemort? It's crimes against us that we're concerned with.
Ron: (Sniffs the air) You guys smell really bad. Don't you ever bathe?
G1: You're one to talk. When was the last time you showered?
Ron: Hey I showered…wait. (Looks at Harry)
Harry: (Looks at Hermione)
Hermione: (Looks back at Harry)
Harry: (Looks at Ron)
Ron: Where do we bathe?
Harry: Er…uh…I know there is a prefects bath.
Ron: Yeah, yeah, but no where do the other kids bathe? There's tons of us shouldn't we have like tons of showers and stuff?
Harry: You'd think. Maybe we just all smell so bad that we can't tell since none of us bathe.
Hermione: I'm not sure about you guys but I just use Scourgify on myself and my clothes…….. (Stares at them). You mean to tell me you guys don't bathe?
Harry & Ron: What oh of course we do… (Look down shamefully)
Hermione: So that's why neither of you have girlfriends. Honestly you should bathe.
G1: See you guys understand what it's like out there in world. How horrible it is. Would you like to be anti-conformist with us?
Harry: How do we do that?
G2: Simple, just dress, talk, smell, smoke, and pretty much do everything just like us. Then go on about how you stand out and won't conform with anyone.
G3: (Jumps up again as if he's going to say something then sits back down)
Hermione: He didn't say anything!
G1: I know wasn't it inspiring?
Hermione: No, no it wasn't.
G1: Go away witch woman. Stop bringing all your positive attitudes about life here. (Flicks his cigarette at Hermione)
Harry: (Jumps up) HEY!
Ron: (Drawing his wand) You can't do that to our friend!
About a hundred yards away
Neville: Hey what's going on over there?
Dean: It looks like Potter's duking it out with the Goth kids.
Seamus: Look at em' go!
Dean: What the crap! Weasley just punched that guy in the face.
Neville: Look, look Harry's got that one guy in a choke hold. Oh Merlin Hermione's going to kick him in the—OH NO!
Seamus: DUDE freakin YES! Granger just nailed Potter in the nuts.
Neville: I can't believe she missed the guy Harry was holding.
Dean: Fight, fight, (bounces up and down like Beavis)
Neville: Maybe we should go help.
Seamus: And miss the front row action? Are you mad? (Cheers) KICK HIM IN THE CROTCH AGAIN!
Back again
Scene: (Goth kids are passed out near the tree. Harry is on the ground holding his "area" crying while Hermione and Ron kneel at his side)
Hermione: Oh my god Harry I'm so sorry!
Harry: (Through tears and in a high voice) They were right! They were right! Life is pain! Life is pain!
Ron: (Trying not to laugh too hard) Are you (laughs) ok mate?
Harry: No I'm NOT! (Tries to hold back tears)
Hermione: (Holding Harry's shoulder) Harry I'm so so so sorry. It was a complete accident. I meant to kick him; I had no intention of kicking you. Oh I hope you're ok.
Ron: He probably wants you to rub it for him. *snickers*
Hermione: (In disgust) Honestly Ron! Harry are you going to be ok?
Ron: (Rolls on ground laughing)
Harry: (Getting on his knees, wiping his face) Yeah I think so.
Ron: (Pulling Harry up) Come on, let's go get some dinner. It'll make you feel better. Maybe we can get you some ice. *snickers* and maybe some pumpkin pie too.
Hermione: That's not funny!
Harry: (Leaning on Ron) I can't feel my legs.
Hermione: Oh poor Harry. Is there anything we can do?
Harry: Make the feeling of wanting to vomit intensely stop.
G3: (Jumps up as if he's about to say something, then falls face first into the grass)
H,R,H: …
Later in McGonagall's office
Scene: (Harry, Ron, Hermione confront Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore)
Mc: Well what do you have to say for yourselves? All I have to say is that I might expect this from Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley, but from you Ms. Granger I never.
Harry: It wasn't our faults. They attacked Hermione.
Hermione: We had to fight back. It got pretty bad, I accidentally kicked Harry in the…you know.
DD: You kicked him in the nuts? That's awesome!
Mc: (Gives Dumbledore an odd glance) …
Harry: Why is that awesome? It hurt like hell.
DD: Well…yeah but… (Gets quiet)
Mc: I have no choice but to give you all a weeks worth of detention and take away twenty house points. This kind of behavior is not acceptable Hogwarts standard.
DD: *sniggers* You're one to talk. You've "served" billions and billions.
Mc: THAT'S McDONALDS! NOT McGONAGALL! (Hits Dumbledore in the back of the head)
DD: Oh yes yes, of course.
Mc: You three are dismissed now. Oh Mr. Potter could you hand me a book off that little shelf over there?
Harry: Oh sure Professor. (Crouches down by shelf) Which book?
Mc: It's entitled Transfigurating Oafs into Ogres
Harry: I don't see it. (Searches)
Mc: It's ok Mr. Potter. (Raises her wand) Accio book!
Harry: (Watches as book on the shelf shoots out and bangs him hard in the crotch.. He goes wide eyed) SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!
Hermione: (Gasps) Harry!
Mc: Oh Mr. Potter I'm dreadfully sorry.
DD: Friggin' cool!
Harry: WHY DO THINGS KEEP (Cries) HITTING ME THERE!
Ron: Because it's dreadfully funny. You had to have known that was coming when she asked you to hand her a book on a low shelf.
Hermione: I hope he's going to be ok…
Voiceover: And so it was that Harry Potter and his friends were given detention for beating up the Goth kids. Poor, poor Goth kids. Let's all take a moment to feel sorry for them.
Moment to feel sorry for them: …
Voiceover: And so it was that Harry Potter was hit in the "juji fruit" region four more times that night because, as Mr. Weasley put it, it is dreadfully funny. And now for something completely different!
John Cleese: Hey I do believe that is our line.
Voiceover: Be quiet and continue being Nearly Headless Nick.
Nearly Headless Nick: And now for something completely different!
G3: DEATH IS PAIN. PAIN IS SUFFERING. I like to live in a world of non conformity by showing I'm not like everyone else…because…well…that's what a non conformist would do. Smoking makes life more tolerable.
Harry: Would you please shut up? Your poetry isn't poetry it's just cheap and idle whining.
G1: You're just jealous because you know you used the Monty Python reference as a poor way to make lots of random jokes about nothing because you can only make fun of Gothic people for so long, and to try and keep yourself from getting kicked again.
Harry: THAT IS SO….NOT….*sighs* yeah you're right.
Author's Post Note: Ok not as funny as I would have hoped. It was funnier in my head when I thought about it I promise. I'm thinking of making fun of The Quidditch game. I promise the next story will be funnier. Anyway hope you enjoyed, please review, and if you didn't like it it doesn't matter I already stole about 8 minutes of your life and that's good enough for me. MWAHAHAHAHA (Gets kicked by Harry) MOTHER OF GOD! IT'S LIKE MY INSIDES JUST SAW DICK CHENEY NAKED!
Harry: Yeah…how you like dem' apples?