Thanks for the reviews. Some people spotted some spelling mistakes – if
anyone is interested in beta-ing please let me know. I don't have much to
offer in return, just a pc that only works some of the time, but I could do
some beta-ing in return. I think this chapter's kinda boring, but it is
necessary for the story, so please be nice. Anyway, here's chapter 3!!
Chapter 3 – Regret
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"We want to give you a symbiote" He says.
"OK" I say.
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OK. The word was out of my mouth before I even had time to think. All I thought of was that this was a chance to stay with everyone I loved, and I took it. Now, in the cold light of day, I'm beginning to realize how serious what I agreed to is. And the fear is greater than the fear of dying.
I wanted to scream to everyone that this isn't what I want, I want to tell them all how scared I am, but they're all so relieved that I'm not going to die, I can't break their hearts.
So before I knew what I was doing, I'd agreed – they were going to implant a Tok'ra in to me, it was going to heal me then leave once it finds a host. Nothing to worry about. So why do I feel this overwhelming terror inside?
I haven't seen Jack since my dad came. He disappeared after I agreed to it, and I haven't seen him since. He still remembers Kanan. The guilt I felt after convincing him to do it – I never want to feel that way again.
I don't know if he blamed me or not, he never said anything, but he's not exactly a man who confesses feeling a lot. I couldn't bear it if he still blames me. I couldn't bear it, because I love him so much.
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She's going to have one of those god damn snakes put in her. I couldn't believe it. When she said OK, I had to leave the room. I couldn't stand the thought that Sam, my Sam, was going to become one of those snakeheads.
The thing that scared me the most though, is that, despite all the revulsion I feel that she's going to become one of those things, there is a part of me that is so relieved she's not leaving me, that she will still be around. And that part of me, I hate more than any other.
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"Her name's Madrigal. She's a scientist – I think you'll really like her Sam" My dad is trying desperately to cheer me up. I think he knows in his heart I'm not sure about this, but is so caught up in the fact that this will save my life, he won't tell me.
"She's been a member of the Tok'ra for over 600 years. She is one of the most respected members, and the most hated by the Goa'uld. I think you'll really learn a lot from her. I mean, er... that is, in the time that you're blended... before she finds a new host"
He wants me to stay as a Tok'ra. So we can be together more often. I must admit, the prospect of spending more time with him, does invoke some interest in me. But the cost is too high. To have to stay a host to one of those things, I really don't want to think about it.
My dad is looking at me now. He knows something's wrong. "You know Sam, a symbiote can tell when something's wrong. And they won't blend with an unwilling host".
"I know dad" I hear myself saying "but I'm OK with this, really" I give him one of my award winning smiles, the one that used to get me out of so much trouble when I was young, and he seems happy, for now.
The thing that I don't understand at all is – why am I doing this? I'm so used to pleasing everybody, that now I can't stop it. Inside I'm screaming for someone to help me, but I know no one will. I don't want to go through with this, but now, it's too late. It's going to happen, and I can't stop it.
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I'm sitting in my office, pretending to write some reports. There's nothing new about this, except this time, I have a genuine reason for not being able to concentrate. Sam. The whole thing leaves me so confused. If she comes back to SGC with one of those things in her head, I don't think I could stand it. I couldn't bear to see her like that.
She's standing outside my door again. Without looking up, I yell, "What is it Major?" She walks in nervously, her head down.
"I thought I should let you know sir, I've agreed to the implantation. The Tok'ra are coming for me and my dad within the hour".
"I see Major. Well, is there anything else?" As she stares at me incredulously, with a look of such hurt on her face, I feel like the biggest bastard in the known universe. But I can't tell her how I feel, I can't. Because then she might not go through with it, and then she'll die. And that would be worse than anything.
"Is that all you want to say sir?" She says, her voice shaking slightly.
"Yes Major, I think that will be all" She gives me a look of such hate, and runs out of the room. I can't stand it any longer. I want so badly to run to her, and put my arms around her, and tell her how sorry I am.
But I can't. I made this bed, and now I have to lie in it.
TBC
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Wow that got really angsty by the end, didn't it? Let me know what you think anyway. Thanks!!!!!
Chapter 3 – Regret
*******************************************************************
"We want to give you a symbiote" He says.
"OK" I say.
*******************************************************************
OK. The word was out of my mouth before I even had time to think. All I thought of was that this was a chance to stay with everyone I loved, and I took it. Now, in the cold light of day, I'm beginning to realize how serious what I agreed to is. And the fear is greater than the fear of dying.
I wanted to scream to everyone that this isn't what I want, I want to tell them all how scared I am, but they're all so relieved that I'm not going to die, I can't break their hearts.
So before I knew what I was doing, I'd agreed – they were going to implant a Tok'ra in to me, it was going to heal me then leave once it finds a host. Nothing to worry about. So why do I feel this overwhelming terror inside?
I haven't seen Jack since my dad came. He disappeared after I agreed to it, and I haven't seen him since. He still remembers Kanan. The guilt I felt after convincing him to do it – I never want to feel that way again.
I don't know if he blamed me or not, he never said anything, but he's not exactly a man who confesses feeling a lot. I couldn't bear it if he still blames me. I couldn't bear it, because I love him so much.
*******************************************************************
She's going to have one of those god damn snakes put in her. I couldn't believe it. When she said OK, I had to leave the room. I couldn't stand the thought that Sam, my Sam, was going to become one of those snakeheads.
The thing that scared me the most though, is that, despite all the revulsion I feel that she's going to become one of those things, there is a part of me that is so relieved she's not leaving me, that she will still be around. And that part of me, I hate more than any other.
*******************************************************************
"Her name's Madrigal. She's a scientist – I think you'll really like her Sam" My dad is trying desperately to cheer me up. I think he knows in his heart I'm not sure about this, but is so caught up in the fact that this will save my life, he won't tell me.
"She's been a member of the Tok'ra for over 600 years. She is one of the most respected members, and the most hated by the Goa'uld. I think you'll really learn a lot from her. I mean, er... that is, in the time that you're blended... before she finds a new host"
He wants me to stay as a Tok'ra. So we can be together more often. I must admit, the prospect of spending more time with him, does invoke some interest in me. But the cost is too high. To have to stay a host to one of those things, I really don't want to think about it.
My dad is looking at me now. He knows something's wrong. "You know Sam, a symbiote can tell when something's wrong. And they won't blend with an unwilling host".
"I know dad" I hear myself saying "but I'm OK with this, really" I give him one of my award winning smiles, the one that used to get me out of so much trouble when I was young, and he seems happy, for now.
The thing that I don't understand at all is – why am I doing this? I'm so used to pleasing everybody, that now I can't stop it. Inside I'm screaming for someone to help me, but I know no one will. I don't want to go through with this, but now, it's too late. It's going to happen, and I can't stop it.
*******************************************************************
I'm sitting in my office, pretending to write some reports. There's nothing new about this, except this time, I have a genuine reason for not being able to concentrate. Sam. The whole thing leaves me so confused. If she comes back to SGC with one of those things in her head, I don't think I could stand it. I couldn't bear to see her like that.
She's standing outside my door again. Without looking up, I yell, "What is it Major?" She walks in nervously, her head down.
"I thought I should let you know sir, I've agreed to the implantation. The Tok'ra are coming for me and my dad within the hour".
"I see Major. Well, is there anything else?" As she stares at me incredulously, with a look of such hurt on her face, I feel like the biggest bastard in the known universe. But I can't tell her how I feel, I can't. Because then she might not go through with it, and then she'll die. And that would be worse than anything.
"Is that all you want to say sir?" She says, her voice shaking slightly.
"Yes Major, I think that will be all" She gives me a look of such hate, and runs out of the room. I can't stand it any longer. I want so badly to run to her, and put my arms around her, and tell her how sorry I am.
But I can't. I made this bed, and now I have to lie in it.
TBC
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Wow that got really angsty by the end, didn't it? Let me know what you think anyway. Thanks!!!!!