First Afternoon
An extremely tall and slender woman dressed in typical sixties garb paced the floor anxiously. Her blue eyes kept glancing at the door, as if she was expecting someone to arrive. Indeed she was, for this was Mrs. Smart, and she was waiting impatiently for her husband's return. "I'm getting worried, Chief," she announced to a balding, elderly man behind a desk.
"I know, 99, but all we can do is wait." Chief tried to be consoling as he added, "Mr. And Mrs. Steed will arrive shortly to assist us."
"I just don't understand what went wrong," Agent 99 complained. "Max called two hours ago and said he had a great lead on the Krelmar case that couldn't be ignored. I would think he'd contact us by now, via his shoephone."
"I'd hate to have to say this, but I believe Max has been taken prisoner by KAOS . . . again." Chief grimaced as he counted the myriad of times Agent 86 was taken captive when on a mission.
"Oh my poor, Max, in the clutches of KAOS!" 99 seemed to take every disappearance of her husband as a sure sign that he would never return.
"Can you remember anything from your conversation with Max earlier that would lead us to him?"
Mrs. Smart paused, recalling the brief discussion with her husband. "He said he was going to an alleyway on this little street called-I'm so agitated I can't remember!"
Chief's intercom buzzed and the voice of one of his workers spoke. "Chief, there are three British people and a baby requesting permission to come in to your office."
"Well, send them in Larabee; don't dawdle!" Chief exchanged a significant look with Agent 99 as if to say, "How do such morons get into the agency?"
"But aren't Basil and Lola British? Maybe these four are them in disguise!"
"Larabee, how can two agents be disguised as four different people, a little baby being one of them?" Chief's voice was becoming more aggravated by each stupid comment his employee made.
"I don't know, Chief, but KAOS can do some pretty strange things."
"LARABEE, if you don't send in those three agents in the next ten seconds, I will personally see that your job is reduced to that of the coffee break monitor!"
"But chief," protested the stupidest agent in CONTROL, "you already did that last week! I was only answering the intercom because your secretary was killed in duty three days ago!"
Before Chief could espouse numerous maledictions, Steed entered the office. "Good afternoon, you must be the Chief," he said jovially, the sliding door shutting behind him and his two female comrades.
"And you must be John Steed," Chief replied, grateful for the interruption of yelling at Larabee. He surveyed the two women and asked, "Which one of you ladies is the lucky Mrs. Steed?"
"Emma is the wife, and I'm just a friend, Tara King!" Tara exclaimed brightly. No one deemed this odd, except the Steeds, who knew her. Usually Miss King would glumly admit that Emma was the fortunate bride of Steed and then stare longingly at him.
Emma recovered her wits first and smiled gregariously at the two Americans. "I was expecting to see Mr. Smart, but it seems he's not here." She shifted Katie's weight from one hip to the other.
"No, he's been kidnapped, the poor darling!" Mrs. Smart cried.
"I'm sorry we met under such unfortunate circumstances," apologised the Chief.
"Of course, with Maxwell Smart, what circumstances aren't unfortunate?" Steed asked wryly.
Tara bit her lip to keep from chuckling. She did not wish to offend Mrs. Smart, especially since she had so graciously taken part in Miss King's rescue mission that previous summer even though they had never met before. Instead she asked, "So what is the itinerary? Do we go in search of Max? Do we even know where Max, or any of the people we're looking for are?"
"I know he was checking out a lead down a certain alleyway, but I can't remember street names or anything!" 99 replied despairingly.
"Perhaps, if you calmed down and stopped your pining, you could think more clearly," Emma soothed. "Your husband will come home safe and unharmed."
"Pining . . . that's it! Pine Boulevard was the name of the street!" Mrs. Smart's elation was contagious, and soon the whole group was grinning, including Katie.
"There's not a moment to waste, so let's head off!" Steed turned to the sliding door but checked himself and whirled to face Tara. "Since you're our backup, why don't you stay with Katie and the chief?" He twirled his brolly around his right hand several times as he waited for an answer.
"I suppose I could get acquainted with Chief and American customs," Tara sighed in defeat, grabbing Katherine.
Emma and 99 looked impatient to leave, so without another word, Steed led the way out of CONTROL headquarters. The three agents travelled to the appointed alley in a badly damaged taxicab. The cabby drove erratically down the congested streets of Washington, barely avoiding hitting a limousine that undoubtedly held some high-ranking officials. By the time they reached Pine Boulevard, Steed's knuckles were tense from gripping his wife's arm and his face was ashen. Mrs. Steed would have found this entertaining if it weren't for the fact that she had lost the circulation in the arm that he was holding. She for one enjoyed an adventurous and fast ride in an automobile.
The trio stepped out of the vehicle, and Mrs. Smart paid the cab-driver. They entered the alley with their eyes darting over every crate, corner, and trash can. "Steed, look at this," Emma commanded, bending down to investigate a small, rectangular item.
The article was an unusual punch card with a photo of a deadly looking man in the upper right corner. On the left side, just above the punched holes, was the data on the man. "Sid Kabob, agent 419 of the Washington D.C. KAOS HQ," Steed read.
"This card is part of a new security system KAOS has started," 99 explained. "Computers are placed at each door and you have to put this punch card in the machine in order to open the door."
"How very careless of Mr. Kabob to have dropped this," John Steed murmured as he deliberated over this new information. It seemed too incredibly easy that they should come across this punch card. Perhaps it was intended that they should find it as part of an elaborate plan to kill them, or maybe American spies were just that incompetent. Which idea was right?
Steed said, "Hmm," which indicated he was done pondering over that seeming imponderable.
Emma stood up and remarked, "It could be a trap." Sometimes it appeared she could read John's mind, and perhaps she really could! "After all, last time Basil and Lola captured us it was after we had followed some very simple clues to their hideout-clues they had been purposely placed in order that we should find them."
"Trap or no trap, I'm going to this KAOS outpost to get my husband back." Seeing that Mrs. Smart was so determined to follow the clue, it was apparent there was no alternative but to go with her. If Emma and John left to her to her own devices in her present state of anger and concern, she was liable to get abducted herself.
"Then you can depend on us to accompany you!" Steed proclaimed as confidently as he could.
This settled, the trio hailed another taxi and drove to the KAOS headquarters.
*************
Max struggled against his bonds to no avail; he was securely fastened to a wooden chair. As he stared at the strange machine in front of him for the fifteenth time, he began to wonder what it did. Dr. Krelmar and another KAOS scientist entered the room, saving Mr. Smart from overworking his brain muscles.
"Good afternoon, gentlemen," Max started before being rudely interrupted.
"Why isn't that idiot gagged?" the KAOS man demanded.
Krelmar shrugged noncommittally as he answered, "I'm not one of your stooges. Why don't you ask them if you're so upset?"
"May I just say that this contraption is the most exquisite piece of work I've seen in my life," Max announced to his two companions.
Krelmar flushed in pride as he responded, "I worked on this brain switching device for three years and you can imagine my joy when it finally worked."
"So it's a brain swapping machine, eh?" Maxwell repeated, his compliment having tricked the doctor into speaking. "When you first started working on this machine, who did you use for guinea pigs?"
"I just grabbed some innocent bystanders from the street and told them they were doing a great deed for humanity." Shaking his head ruefully, Dr. Krelmar said, "So many of them became vegetables or madmen after the initial tests." He brightened and added, "But we certainly helped fill the insane asylums!"
"There will be no more conversations between you two, do you understand?" the KAOS agent snapped.
If Krelmar was going retort, it was never known, for Lola and Basil entered. "The Steeds fell for our trap, exactly as we had hoped!" Lola declared.
"Yes, they're using that punch card on the backdoor right this moment!" Basil interjected. He strode over to Mr. Smart, grinning evilly. "Your wife is with them, oblivious to the ingenious torture we've concocted for you all!"
"No, you diabolical mastermind," Max sputtered, "don't harm us all! Take 99 and set me free if you have to, but don't put us all through this torment!"
"Your devotion for your wife is overwhelming," Lola commented sarcastically.
"Silence; I hear them in the hall outside!" the KAOS agent hissed. "I think I can lure them into this room."
At the same time in the hallway, John and Emma Steed and Mrs. Smart were creeping towards the room. "Any bets the persons we're after are in there?" Steed whispered.
Before either of the ladies could reply, the KAOS scientist exited the chamber. Quickly, the three ducked into an adjacent room just as the KAOS man called, "Don't worry, Mr. Smart, you will soon be dead and have nothing to worry about!"
From their hiding spot they watched him march down the hall they had been standing in seconds before. When he had disappeared, 99 spoke, "My poor Max is going to be killed!"
"Yes, we could hear that," Steed retorted. He nodded in the direction of the room from which the scientist had emerged. "I think it's time to rescue your 'poor Max.'"
The trio sneaked up to the door and threw it open. They were not surprised to find Basil and Lola waiting for them, but Emma and Steed were aghast to see a very active brain swapping machine standing in the centre. Without one word of acknowledgement to the bound Mr. Smart, the threesome attacked the adversary.
Emma noted that Lola was heading in her direction, so she stepped to the side. Once Lola was next to her, Emma karate chopped her on the neck. This only injured Lola, and she retaliated by slapping Mrs. Steed in the face and kicking her legs out from under her. They were now pell-mell on the floor in a tangle of limbs. The catfight had begun.
Steed found great satisfaction in pounding his fists into Basil's flesh. The pummelling was extremely one sided until Basil sat on one of the machine's chairs and raised his legs, propelling Steed away. Steed avoided the kicking legs in order to grab on to the dome and bring it down firmly on Basil's head.
Cowering in a corner, Krelmar cried, "No, don't hurt my machine!"
John ignored the doctor and dragged Basil from the seat by his necktie. He punched him once more in the nose for good measure. Basil, bloodied and bruised, grabbed Steed's own tie, but because Steed was more heavyset than he, he could not move him.
The two exchanged nervous smiles, and Basil took this moment to bring his fist up into Steed's stomach. Doubling over in pain, Steed was unable to eschew the next round of Basil's onslaught. To complete John Steed's degradation, Basil used Steed's own bowler to render him unconscious.
At the intervening time, 99 was intent on untying her husband, and fortunately the only opponents in the room were occupied with the Steeds. She completed her task, kissed Max lightly on the lips, and helped him stand. As they smiled at each other, several KAOS agents came barrelling down the hall. Mr. and Mrs. Smart ran to the door in an attempt to shut and lock it. However, there were four enemy agents, not including the scientist, and their bodies outweighed the two Smarts.
Max and 99 tried to push the door closed, but on the opposite side, the KAOS men were shoving even harder. Soon the stalwart men burst through the door, knocking 99 and Maxwell off their feet. The Smarts hopped back up and began fighting the nearest antagonist, the KAOS scientist.
99 smacked the scientist with her purse before motioning to her husband to make himself useful elsewhere. "I can handle him," she told Max, "if you deal with the others."
The "others" included the four remaining KAOS men. In his typical fashion, Mr. Smart tried to hurt the brawniest man. "Take that, you fat pig!" he shouted defiantly, his hand swinging into his adversary's neck. This attack did not harm the hefty spy, who sneered at Max's feeble endeavour.
Wrapping an arm around his enemy's shoulder, Max began, "I hope I wasn't out of line with that 'fat pig,' crack."
In response, the agent grabbed the arm that was resting on his shoulder and twisted it. He tossed the short, fumbling agent to the other side of the room as if he weighed nothing. "Yes, you were out of line, but since you're going to get your brain switched around, that should make up for the insult."
"I'm glad to hear it," Max replied, dizzy from being thrown. He managed to rise to his feet before promptly passing out.
"Oh, MA-AX!" 99 cried in dismay. She was so perturbed over her spouse's fainting that she let the scientist grip her neck, squeezing the life out of her. "Mrs. Steed, please help me!" she rasped.
Emma was still busy warding off Lola's assaults. So far the ladies had been equally injured, but Mrs. Steed noticed that Lola was growing tired. With one of her expert moves, Emma managed to flip Lola over her shoulders. Once satisfied that her opponent was out cold, Emma dashed over to the afflicted 99.
Mrs. Peel grabbed at the hands that were choking her friend, but it was futile. The scientist was stronger than she. As Mrs. Smart fainted from being in the choke hold, Emma realised she was never going to subdue five male agents alone.
She put up a valiant fight, kicking and karate chopping every assailant that came near her, but Emma, too, was conquered.
When the Steeds and Smarts were all unconscious, the brain swapping scheme was put into action. Basil sat in one of the machine's chairs while the KAOS men place Steed in the other. Using the cuffs that were attached to the arms of the chairs, their hands were locked into place. The machine was switched on, just as two KAOS agents finished lowering the domes onto Basil and Steed's heads.
"When I say 'now,' start counting to twenty," Krelmar ordered Basil.
The KAOS scientist glanced from the machine to Krelmar's face. "This is all fascinating!"
Krelmar switched several dials and yelled, "Now!"
Basil obeyed the command eagerly-he was more than willing to switch bodies with the debonair and well-respected John Steed. When the process was finished, Basil mind was in John's body and vice versa. Nodding at the still unconscious Steed, Basil said, "Let's give the old fellow another reason to hate me." Steed's normally charming voice was filled with a hollow and menacing tone, the effects of having swapped bodies.
"What do you plan to do?" Lola asked suspiciously. She gazed at the now tall and stately Basil. Steed certainly had an attractive figure; it almost was a pity that he now occupied Basil's unflattering body.
"I'm just going to have Steed swap minds with that bungling Maxwell Smart." Basil smirked as Dr. Krelmar unfastened him from the seat.
Krelmar shook his head at the mischief of Basil, declaring, "One of the members involved in the switching procedure has to be able to count to twenty, or their brains might be scrambled beyond repair."
"All the better for us if it happens!" snapped Basil. "Now work the machine," he rummaged through the pockets of his old suit and produced a gun, "or die!"
Krelmar began operating the contraption without further protestations. Soon Max and John had traded bodies, but nobody knew if they were now in a comatose state.
This transaction completed, Lola exchanged bodies with Emma then made Emma swap with 99.
"Mrs. Steed, how charming you look!" Basil declared to the new, improved Lola. He tried to make the inflection in his-erm-Steed's voice charming but failed.
Lola gazed down at the bright blue catsuit she was now attired in and smiled. "What fashionable clothes Mrs. Steed owns! I'll be glad to take over her wardrobe."
As they chatted about their new bodies, Max began to revive. He was lying on the floor, having been unceremoniously dumped there after his brain trade with Steed. He groggily heard the voices but could not comprehend what they were saying. All he remembered was one of the KAOS agents telling him he was going to have his brain swapped with somebody. He mustn't let that happen! He must destroy the machine!
"You shall not have my body!" he shouted, heroically standing to his feet. He spotted the wooden chair he had been tied to and picked it up. He began smashing it against the machine, disregarding Dr. Krelmar's entreaties to stop. When the chair broke in his hands, Max used his own legs to kick the control box. The machine emitted unnatural beeps, as if it were crying in pain.
John Steed groaned as he rolled over on his side. Who or what was making those loud, obnoxious noises? He spotted Basil yanking one of the machine's domes off its rod and knew he was his culprit. Then an odd sinking feeling filled the pit of his stomach. Why was Basil destroying the contraption that he had escaped from jail and joined KAOS just to use?
Then Steed observed a reputable man in a brown suit, complete with matching bowler and umbrella. This man had his arms crossed over his chest. The look on his face was almost that of amusement, and the smile on his lips was definitely wicked. Next to his side was an auburn hair woman, gripping Dr. Krelmar so he wouldn't escape.
"Good God, Basil's taken over my body again!" Steed cried in a strange nasal/Bronx accent. "And I'm in Max's shoes!"
Steed staggered to his feet to face the ignorant Smart. "Stop, you'll wreck the machine!" John scratched at Max's new arm but failed to check his actions. Finally, Steed grabbed the blue collar of Basil's suit and twirled Max around. He smashed Basil/Max into the wall and demanded, "What are you trying to do? How can we switch back if you destroy the contraption?"
Max glared as he tried to register who was the imbecile holding him by his collar. "Oh, it's just you, Agent 86. Would you kindly let me g-wait a minute, I'm agent 86!" Max peered into the face of the man gripping him and saw his own reflection staring back. "Who else has those beady black eyes, that winning grimace, and incredibly, thick black hair? Is it possible I have a twin brother, and Mom and Dad forgot to mention it?" Max asked, his voice sounding very British.
"No, you fool, I'm John Steed, and we've swapped bodies, or you've swapped bodies with Basil or something!" Steed dropped Basil's body to the floor, not heeding his yelp of pain. As far as Steed was concerned, both Basil and Max deserved whatever damage he inflicted.
"My machine, my poor machine . . . it's ruined!" sobbed Dr. Krelmar. "It took me years to make it and now it's destroyed!"
Unadulterated fury in his eyes, Steed whirled to face the despondent scientist. "Are absolutely sure it's broken, Dr. Krelmar?"
In reply, Krelmar pressed one of the buttons, and the machine sputtered to life before erupting in black smoke. "Basil and Lola, you're stuck in Steed and Mrs. Peel's body for eternity!"
"With it broken beyond repair, how is KAOS supposed to use this machine for evil and nastiness?" complained the KAOS scientist.
"Those are you problems," Basil said nonchalantly.
"We took up residence at Steed and Mrs. Peel's flats before, and we don't mind doing it again, forever if that is the case," Lola told the two doctors. "Shall we go, Lover? We have plenty of chaos to create in our new bodies." The two linked arms and started for the door. "You can't leave us like this!" wailed Dr. Krelmar.
Basil turned with a reprehensible grin to face the blubbering scientist. "You're absolutely right!" He pulled out his gun again and fired at Krelmar's heart.
The doctor swaggered before slumping to the floor, dead. "He was becoming too much of a nuisance," Lola explain over the protests of the KAOS scientist.
"But he was our only chance of rebuilding the machine!" the KAOS man bellowed. "Sure, we have the blueprints, but we don't have any scientist in our midst who is resourceful enough to make heads or tales out of those prints and build a new machine!"
"That's your problem, old man," Basil reiterated.
"Quit saying that; it's not just KAOS's problem! We made a deal with you and your woman that if we helped you escape from jail, you would find us this doctor with the body-switching device. Now both he and the contraption are dead, and KAOS ends up with the short end of the stick!"
"At least CONTROL's best agents are permanently stuck in the body of wanted criminals!" Lola pointed out. "That should be of some comfort to you." Then the two enemy spies, in the body of Steed and Peel, exited the building.
"I have been barbarously used!" The KAOS scientist stared stonily at Steed and Max before procuring three pellets from his white coat. He threw them on the floor, and the room was filled with smoke.
Choking and coughing, Steed found himself losing consciousness again. He struggled to regain control, but it was fruitless; and in a matter a moments he succumbed to darkness.
*************
When John Steed came to, his first thought was that the last few minutes had been a nightmare. Alas, they hadn't been, and he realised he had to find a way of getting his body back. It was only after he had mused over this that he realised the room he was in was bare! Steed raced out into the hall only to discover this corridor was empty as well.
KAOS had cleared out of that headquarters, leaving not a single clue of them ever being there! With nothing to go on, no papers to show them where these particular agents had gone, it was unlikely that Steed and his friends should ever get there bodies back.
With a heavy heart, Steed returned to the room to awaken his wife and inform her of the horrific news.
To Be Continued!
An extremely tall and slender woman dressed in typical sixties garb paced the floor anxiously. Her blue eyes kept glancing at the door, as if she was expecting someone to arrive. Indeed she was, for this was Mrs. Smart, and she was waiting impatiently for her husband's return. "I'm getting worried, Chief," she announced to a balding, elderly man behind a desk.
"I know, 99, but all we can do is wait." Chief tried to be consoling as he added, "Mr. And Mrs. Steed will arrive shortly to assist us."
"I just don't understand what went wrong," Agent 99 complained. "Max called two hours ago and said he had a great lead on the Krelmar case that couldn't be ignored. I would think he'd contact us by now, via his shoephone."
"I'd hate to have to say this, but I believe Max has been taken prisoner by KAOS . . . again." Chief grimaced as he counted the myriad of times Agent 86 was taken captive when on a mission.
"Oh my poor, Max, in the clutches of KAOS!" 99 seemed to take every disappearance of her husband as a sure sign that he would never return.
"Can you remember anything from your conversation with Max earlier that would lead us to him?"
Mrs. Smart paused, recalling the brief discussion with her husband. "He said he was going to an alleyway on this little street called-I'm so agitated I can't remember!"
Chief's intercom buzzed and the voice of one of his workers spoke. "Chief, there are three British people and a baby requesting permission to come in to your office."
"Well, send them in Larabee; don't dawdle!" Chief exchanged a significant look with Agent 99 as if to say, "How do such morons get into the agency?"
"But aren't Basil and Lola British? Maybe these four are them in disguise!"
"Larabee, how can two agents be disguised as four different people, a little baby being one of them?" Chief's voice was becoming more aggravated by each stupid comment his employee made.
"I don't know, Chief, but KAOS can do some pretty strange things."
"LARABEE, if you don't send in those three agents in the next ten seconds, I will personally see that your job is reduced to that of the coffee break monitor!"
"But chief," protested the stupidest agent in CONTROL, "you already did that last week! I was only answering the intercom because your secretary was killed in duty three days ago!"
Before Chief could espouse numerous maledictions, Steed entered the office. "Good afternoon, you must be the Chief," he said jovially, the sliding door shutting behind him and his two female comrades.
"And you must be John Steed," Chief replied, grateful for the interruption of yelling at Larabee. He surveyed the two women and asked, "Which one of you ladies is the lucky Mrs. Steed?"
"Emma is the wife, and I'm just a friend, Tara King!" Tara exclaimed brightly. No one deemed this odd, except the Steeds, who knew her. Usually Miss King would glumly admit that Emma was the fortunate bride of Steed and then stare longingly at him.
Emma recovered her wits first and smiled gregariously at the two Americans. "I was expecting to see Mr. Smart, but it seems he's not here." She shifted Katie's weight from one hip to the other.
"No, he's been kidnapped, the poor darling!" Mrs. Smart cried.
"I'm sorry we met under such unfortunate circumstances," apologised the Chief.
"Of course, with Maxwell Smart, what circumstances aren't unfortunate?" Steed asked wryly.
Tara bit her lip to keep from chuckling. She did not wish to offend Mrs. Smart, especially since she had so graciously taken part in Miss King's rescue mission that previous summer even though they had never met before. Instead she asked, "So what is the itinerary? Do we go in search of Max? Do we even know where Max, or any of the people we're looking for are?"
"I know he was checking out a lead down a certain alleyway, but I can't remember street names or anything!" 99 replied despairingly.
"Perhaps, if you calmed down and stopped your pining, you could think more clearly," Emma soothed. "Your husband will come home safe and unharmed."
"Pining . . . that's it! Pine Boulevard was the name of the street!" Mrs. Smart's elation was contagious, and soon the whole group was grinning, including Katie.
"There's not a moment to waste, so let's head off!" Steed turned to the sliding door but checked himself and whirled to face Tara. "Since you're our backup, why don't you stay with Katie and the chief?" He twirled his brolly around his right hand several times as he waited for an answer.
"I suppose I could get acquainted with Chief and American customs," Tara sighed in defeat, grabbing Katherine.
Emma and 99 looked impatient to leave, so without another word, Steed led the way out of CONTROL headquarters. The three agents travelled to the appointed alley in a badly damaged taxicab. The cabby drove erratically down the congested streets of Washington, barely avoiding hitting a limousine that undoubtedly held some high-ranking officials. By the time they reached Pine Boulevard, Steed's knuckles were tense from gripping his wife's arm and his face was ashen. Mrs. Steed would have found this entertaining if it weren't for the fact that she had lost the circulation in the arm that he was holding. She for one enjoyed an adventurous and fast ride in an automobile.
The trio stepped out of the vehicle, and Mrs. Smart paid the cab-driver. They entered the alley with their eyes darting over every crate, corner, and trash can. "Steed, look at this," Emma commanded, bending down to investigate a small, rectangular item.
The article was an unusual punch card with a photo of a deadly looking man in the upper right corner. On the left side, just above the punched holes, was the data on the man. "Sid Kabob, agent 419 of the Washington D.C. KAOS HQ," Steed read.
"This card is part of a new security system KAOS has started," 99 explained. "Computers are placed at each door and you have to put this punch card in the machine in order to open the door."
"How very careless of Mr. Kabob to have dropped this," John Steed murmured as he deliberated over this new information. It seemed too incredibly easy that they should come across this punch card. Perhaps it was intended that they should find it as part of an elaborate plan to kill them, or maybe American spies were just that incompetent. Which idea was right?
Steed said, "Hmm," which indicated he was done pondering over that seeming imponderable.
Emma stood up and remarked, "It could be a trap." Sometimes it appeared she could read John's mind, and perhaps she really could! "After all, last time Basil and Lola captured us it was after we had followed some very simple clues to their hideout-clues they had been purposely placed in order that we should find them."
"Trap or no trap, I'm going to this KAOS outpost to get my husband back." Seeing that Mrs. Smart was so determined to follow the clue, it was apparent there was no alternative but to go with her. If Emma and John left to her to her own devices in her present state of anger and concern, she was liable to get abducted herself.
"Then you can depend on us to accompany you!" Steed proclaimed as confidently as he could.
This settled, the trio hailed another taxi and drove to the KAOS headquarters.
*************
Max struggled against his bonds to no avail; he was securely fastened to a wooden chair. As he stared at the strange machine in front of him for the fifteenth time, he began to wonder what it did. Dr. Krelmar and another KAOS scientist entered the room, saving Mr. Smart from overworking his brain muscles.
"Good afternoon, gentlemen," Max started before being rudely interrupted.
"Why isn't that idiot gagged?" the KAOS man demanded.
Krelmar shrugged noncommittally as he answered, "I'm not one of your stooges. Why don't you ask them if you're so upset?"
"May I just say that this contraption is the most exquisite piece of work I've seen in my life," Max announced to his two companions.
Krelmar flushed in pride as he responded, "I worked on this brain switching device for three years and you can imagine my joy when it finally worked."
"So it's a brain swapping machine, eh?" Maxwell repeated, his compliment having tricked the doctor into speaking. "When you first started working on this machine, who did you use for guinea pigs?"
"I just grabbed some innocent bystanders from the street and told them they were doing a great deed for humanity." Shaking his head ruefully, Dr. Krelmar said, "So many of them became vegetables or madmen after the initial tests." He brightened and added, "But we certainly helped fill the insane asylums!"
"There will be no more conversations between you two, do you understand?" the KAOS agent snapped.
If Krelmar was going retort, it was never known, for Lola and Basil entered. "The Steeds fell for our trap, exactly as we had hoped!" Lola declared.
"Yes, they're using that punch card on the backdoor right this moment!" Basil interjected. He strode over to Mr. Smart, grinning evilly. "Your wife is with them, oblivious to the ingenious torture we've concocted for you all!"
"No, you diabolical mastermind," Max sputtered, "don't harm us all! Take 99 and set me free if you have to, but don't put us all through this torment!"
"Your devotion for your wife is overwhelming," Lola commented sarcastically.
"Silence; I hear them in the hall outside!" the KAOS agent hissed. "I think I can lure them into this room."
At the same time in the hallway, John and Emma Steed and Mrs. Smart were creeping towards the room. "Any bets the persons we're after are in there?" Steed whispered.
Before either of the ladies could reply, the KAOS scientist exited the chamber. Quickly, the three ducked into an adjacent room just as the KAOS man called, "Don't worry, Mr. Smart, you will soon be dead and have nothing to worry about!"
From their hiding spot they watched him march down the hall they had been standing in seconds before. When he had disappeared, 99 spoke, "My poor Max is going to be killed!"
"Yes, we could hear that," Steed retorted. He nodded in the direction of the room from which the scientist had emerged. "I think it's time to rescue your 'poor Max.'"
The trio sneaked up to the door and threw it open. They were not surprised to find Basil and Lola waiting for them, but Emma and Steed were aghast to see a very active brain swapping machine standing in the centre. Without one word of acknowledgement to the bound Mr. Smart, the threesome attacked the adversary.
Emma noted that Lola was heading in her direction, so she stepped to the side. Once Lola was next to her, Emma karate chopped her on the neck. This only injured Lola, and she retaliated by slapping Mrs. Steed in the face and kicking her legs out from under her. They were now pell-mell on the floor in a tangle of limbs. The catfight had begun.
Steed found great satisfaction in pounding his fists into Basil's flesh. The pummelling was extremely one sided until Basil sat on one of the machine's chairs and raised his legs, propelling Steed away. Steed avoided the kicking legs in order to grab on to the dome and bring it down firmly on Basil's head.
Cowering in a corner, Krelmar cried, "No, don't hurt my machine!"
John ignored the doctor and dragged Basil from the seat by his necktie. He punched him once more in the nose for good measure. Basil, bloodied and bruised, grabbed Steed's own tie, but because Steed was more heavyset than he, he could not move him.
The two exchanged nervous smiles, and Basil took this moment to bring his fist up into Steed's stomach. Doubling over in pain, Steed was unable to eschew the next round of Basil's onslaught. To complete John Steed's degradation, Basil used Steed's own bowler to render him unconscious.
At the intervening time, 99 was intent on untying her husband, and fortunately the only opponents in the room were occupied with the Steeds. She completed her task, kissed Max lightly on the lips, and helped him stand. As they smiled at each other, several KAOS agents came barrelling down the hall. Mr. and Mrs. Smart ran to the door in an attempt to shut and lock it. However, there were four enemy agents, not including the scientist, and their bodies outweighed the two Smarts.
Max and 99 tried to push the door closed, but on the opposite side, the KAOS men were shoving even harder. Soon the stalwart men burst through the door, knocking 99 and Maxwell off their feet. The Smarts hopped back up and began fighting the nearest antagonist, the KAOS scientist.
99 smacked the scientist with her purse before motioning to her husband to make himself useful elsewhere. "I can handle him," she told Max, "if you deal with the others."
The "others" included the four remaining KAOS men. In his typical fashion, Mr. Smart tried to hurt the brawniest man. "Take that, you fat pig!" he shouted defiantly, his hand swinging into his adversary's neck. This attack did not harm the hefty spy, who sneered at Max's feeble endeavour.
Wrapping an arm around his enemy's shoulder, Max began, "I hope I wasn't out of line with that 'fat pig,' crack."
In response, the agent grabbed the arm that was resting on his shoulder and twisted it. He tossed the short, fumbling agent to the other side of the room as if he weighed nothing. "Yes, you were out of line, but since you're going to get your brain switched around, that should make up for the insult."
"I'm glad to hear it," Max replied, dizzy from being thrown. He managed to rise to his feet before promptly passing out.
"Oh, MA-AX!" 99 cried in dismay. She was so perturbed over her spouse's fainting that she let the scientist grip her neck, squeezing the life out of her. "Mrs. Steed, please help me!" she rasped.
Emma was still busy warding off Lola's assaults. So far the ladies had been equally injured, but Mrs. Steed noticed that Lola was growing tired. With one of her expert moves, Emma managed to flip Lola over her shoulders. Once satisfied that her opponent was out cold, Emma dashed over to the afflicted 99.
Mrs. Peel grabbed at the hands that were choking her friend, but it was futile. The scientist was stronger than she. As Mrs. Smart fainted from being in the choke hold, Emma realised she was never going to subdue five male agents alone.
She put up a valiant fight, kicking and karate chopping every assailant that came near her, but Emma, too, was conquered.
When the Steeds and Smarts were all unconscious, the brain swapping scheme was put into action. Basil sat in one of the machine's chairs while the KAOS men place Steed in the other. Using the cuffs that were attached to the arms of the chairs, their hands were locked into place. The machine was switched on, just as two KAOS agents finished lowering the domes onto Basil and Steed's heads.
"When I say 'now,' start counting to twenty," Krelmar ordered Basil.
The KAOS scientist glanced from the machine to Krelmar's face. "This is all fascinating!"
Krelmar switched several dials and yelled, "Now!"
Basil obeyed the command eagerly-he was more than willing to switch bodies with the debonair and well-respected John Steed. When the process was finished, Basil mind was in John's body and vice versa. Nodding at the still unconscious Steed, Basil said, "Let's give the old fellow another reason to hate me." Steed's normally charming voice was filled with a hollow and menacing tone, the effects of having swapped bodies.
"What do you plan to do?" Lola asked suspiciously. She gazed at the now tall and stately Basil. Steed certainly had an attractive figure; it almost was a pity that he now occupied Basil's unflattering body.
"I'm just going to have Steed swap minds with that bungling Maxwell Smart." Basil smirked as Dr. Krelmar unfastened him from the seat.
Krelmar shook his head at the mischief of Basil, declaring, "One of the members involved in the switching procedure has to be able to count to twenty, or their brains might be scrambled beyond repair."
"All the better for us if it happens!" snapped Basil. "Now work the machine," he rummaged through the pockets of his old suit and produced a gun, "or die!"
Krelmar began operating the contraption without further protestations. Soon Max and John had traded bodies, but nobody knew if they were now in a comatose state.
This transaction completed, Lola exchanged bodies with Emma then made Emma swap with 99.
"Mrs. Steed, how charming you look!" Basil declared to the new, improved Lola. He tried to make the inflection in his-erm-Steed's voice charming but failed.
Lola gazed down at the bright blue catsuit she was now attired in and smiled. "What fashionable clothes Mrs. Steed owns! I'll be glad to take over her wardrobe."
As they chatted about their new bodies, Max began to revive. He was lying on the floor, having been unceremoniously dumped there after his brain trade with Steed. He groggily heard the voices but could not comprehend what they were saying. All he remembered was one of the KAOS agents telling him he was going to have his brain swapped with somebody. He mustn't let that happen! He must destroy the machine!
"You shall not have my body!" he shouted, heroically standing to his feet. He spotted the wooden chair he had been tied to and picked it up. He began smashing it against the machine, disregarding Dr. Krelmar's entreaties to stop. When the chair broke in his hands, Max used his own legs to kick the control box. The machine emitted unnatural beeps, as if it were crying in pain.
John Steed groaned as he rolled over on his side. Who or what was making those loud, obnoxious noises? He spotted Basil yanking one of the machine's domes off its rod and knew he was his culprit. Then an odd sinking feeling filled the pit of his stomach. Why was Basil destroying the contraption that he had escaped from jail and joined KAOS just to use?
Then Steed observed a reputable man in a brown suit, complete with matching bowler and umbrella. This man had his arms crossed over his chest. The look on his face was almost that of amusement, and the smile on his lips was definitely wicked. Next to his side was an auburn hair woman, gripping Dr. Krelmar so he wouldn't escape.
"Good God, Basil's taken over my body again!" Steed cried in a strange nasal/Bronx accent. "And I'm in Max's shoes!"
Steed staggered to his feet to face the ignorant Smart. "Stop, you'll wreck the machine!" John scratched at Max's new arm but failed to check his actions. Finally, Steed grabbed the blue collar of Basil's suit and twirled Max around. He smashed Basil/Max into the wall and demanded, "What are you trying to do? How can we switch back if you destroy the contraption?"
Max glared as he tried to register who was the imbecile holding him by his collar. "Oh, it's just you, Agent 86. Would you kindly let me g-wait a minute, I'm agent 86!" Max peered into the face of the man gripping him and saw his own reflection staring back. "Who else has those beady black eyes, that winning grimace, and incredibly, thick black hair? Is it possible I have a twin brother, and Mom and Dad forgot to mention it?" Max asked, his voice sounding very British.
"No, you fool, I'm John Steed, and we've swapped bodies, or you've swapped bodies with Basil or something!" Steed dropped Basil's body to the floor, not heeding his yelp of pain. As far as Steed was concerned, both Basil and Max deserved whatever damage he inflicted.
"My machine, my poor machine . . . it's ruined!" sobbed Dr. Krelmar. "It took me years to make it and now it's destroyed!"
Unadulterated fury in his eyes, Steed whirled to face the despondent scientist. "Are absolutely sure it's broken, Dr. Krelmar?"
In reply, Krelmar pressed one of the buttons, and the machine sputtered to life before erupting in black smoke. "Basil and Lola, you're stuck in Steed and Mrs. Peel's body for eternity!"
"With it broken beyond repair, how is KAOS supposed to use this machine for evil and nastiness?" complained the KAOS scientist.
"Those are you problems," Basil said nonchalantly.
"We took up residence at Steed and Mrs. Peel's flats before, and we don't mind doing it again, forever if that is the case," Lola told the two doctors. "Shall we go, Lover? We have plenty of chaos to create in our new bodies." The two linked arms and started for the door. "You can't leave us like this!" wailed Dr. Krelmar.
Basil turned with a reprehensible grin to face the blubbering scientist. "You're absolutely right!" He pulled out his gun again and fired at Krelmar's heart.
The doctor swaggered before slumping to the floor, dead. "He was becoming too much of a nuisance," Lola explain over the protests of the KAOS scientist.
"But he was our only chance of rebuilding the machine!" the KAOS man bellowed. "Sure, we have the blueprints, but we don't have any scientist in our midst who is resourceful enough to make heads or tales out of those prints and build a new machine!"
"That's your problem, old man," Basil reiterated.
"Quit saying that; it's not just KAOS's problem! We made a deal with you and your woman that if we helped you escape from jail, you would find us this doctor with the body-switching device. Now both he and the contraption are dead, and KAOS ends up with the short end of the stick!"
"At least CONTROL's best agents are permanently stuck in the body of wanted criminals!" Lola pointed out. "That should be of some comfort to you." Then the two enemy spies, in the body of Steed and Peel, exited the building.
"I have been barbarously used!" The KAOS scientist stared stonily at Steed and Max before procuring three pellets from his white coat. He threw them on the floor, and the room was filled with smoke.
Choking and coughing, Steed found himself losing consciousness again. He struggled to regain control, but it was fruitless; and in a matter a moments he succumbed to darkness.
*************
When John Steed came to, his first thought was that the last few minutes had been a nightmare. Alas, they hadn't been, and he realised he had to find a way of getting his body back. It was only after he had mused over this that he realised the room he was in was bare! Steed raced out into the hall only to discover this corridor was empty as well.
KAOS had cleared out of that headquarters, leaving not a single clue of them ever being there! With nothing to go on, no papers to show them where these particular agents had gone, it was unlikely that Steed and his friends should ever get there bodies back.
With a heavy heart, Steed returned to the room to awaken his wife and inform her of the horrific news.
To Be Continued!