First Night and Second Day
"Humpty-Dumpty sat on a wall!" intoned Miss King and the Chief to little Katie. Since it had been three hours since they had last seen the Steeds and Smart, Tara and Thaddeus were trying desperately not to worry over their friends' safety. To distract themselves, they had been entertaining Katherine. "Humpty-Dumpty had a great fall."
Just then, Larabee entered, toting a manila folder. He heard his boss and the English woman reciting poems and decided to join in. "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty back together again!" Tara and Thaddeus stared at him blankly. "Is that the new sign and countersign, Chief?"
Chief rolled his eyes as he answered, "No, Miss King and I were just playing with the Steeds' baby." He observed that the inept agent was holding a top-secret file. "Did you bring the information on Basil and Lola?"
Larabee nodded, handed over the folder, and left the office, forgetting to close the sliding door behind him.
"I think the Chief is quite finished with our little game," Tara surmised, bouncing Katie on her knee. Katie stuck two fingers in her mouth and turned to stare at the elderly man.
Thaddeus did not hear Tara, for he was too occupied reading about the enemy agents. He soon became absorbed studying the coloured photographs of the two.
It was at this moment that four people ran into his office, panting and speaking rapidly. "Chief, Chief, we need the best CONTROL scientists you can find!" came a distinct British voice.
Chief wondered what strange man was addressing him and, looking up, perceived the face of Basil! "How did you get in here?" Chief demanded, as he rose to his feet.
"The door was wide open! Gee, I didn't know you wanted us to knock first. Sorry about that, Chief!" Max turned to knock on the door but was checked by his irate employer.
"How dare you impersonate Maxwell Smart! What have you done with him and 99, you KAOS killer?"
"But we are 99 and Max," protested Mrs. Smart. With chagrin, she recalled that she and Max were now in the bodies of the enemy. It would not be an easy task convincing her boss that they were indeed Agents 86 and 99, but she had to try. "We swapped brains with Basil and Lola," she added.
"Do you expect me to believe that implausible tale?" Thaddeus scoffed.
Tara slinked into a corner, protecting Katie from the insane agents. She scanned the room and spotted two familiar faces: Agents 86 and 99. "There's Max and his wife!" she cried.
"No," began the Max body, "I'm John Steed, and that's Mrs. Peel! What Basil-er-Max is saying is the truth!"
"Max, you're delusional!" Chief gazed with concern at the five-foot seven inch spy. Despite Max's unbearable idiosyncrasies, Thaddeus thought of him as a son. He glared at the figure of Basil, hoping he would spontaneously combust. "What did you do to Max to put him in this hallucinatory mindset? Did you drug him, or hypnotise him?"
Steed was becoming frantic. "I am perfectly fine, Chief, as is Max, and that man IS MAX!" He pointed at the body of Basil that, even with Max inhabiting it, seemed conceited and self-assured.
Tara's mind was clicking at an abnormal rate. She recollected the story of Emma and John's incredible body-swap with Basil and Lola. Could it have happened again? "Chief, I believe that Basil-or whoever is in his body-is indeed telling the truth, and the same goes for Max-I mean, Steed."
Chief desperately wanted to believe his friends and acquaintances, but there were certain things that just were too inconceivable. Sighing with resignation, he pressed a button on his desk and spoke into the intercom. "This is a red alert, I repeat, a red alert! We have two criminals in our building. Block all exits to CONTROL and send four men into my office right now!"
Tara realised that the CONTROL men were certain to examine Steed and Emma for signs of drugs or brainwash and arrest Max and 99 for treason! She couldn't let this happen, but what chance did she have against four men, especially when her companions looked too tired to assist her? Then she remembered the gun in her purse.
With Katie in the crook of one arm, Tara reached for her purse with her free hand. She silently unfastened her purse and searched it for her gun. Amidst the clutter of tissue, makeup and cough drops, she found it. She pointed it at Chief, shouting, "All right, call off that red alert, or I'll shoot you!"
Everyone stared at her, agape. Chief recovered his composure first and declared, "I would rather die for my country than recall that red alert. These criminals need to be apprehended."
Tara began to panic, but she quickly changed tactics. She aimed the weapon at the Max body, yelling, "Then I will murder Mr. Smart unless you call off that warning."
"You better do what she says, Chief sir!" Steed remarked, cagily eyeing the gun that was aimed at him.
Thaddeus had no choice but to acquiesce. "This is the Chief. That red alert was a false alarm; I repeat, false alarm. There are no criminals that need to be arrested, so nobody report to my office." After finishing his speech into the intercom, he glared at Miss King. "I hope there is a good reason for your outrageous behaviour."
"Mr. and Mrs. Smart, run as fast as you can," Tara ordered in a strangely calm tone. Max and 99 hesitated a moment before bolting out the door. "You'd better get out of here as well, Steed."
"You're as crazy as the rest of them," Chief announced.
Steed looked into Tara's eyes and realised that she believed their story. Mrs. Peel must have also sensed this, for she took Katie from Miss King's arm.
"And you had better put that weapon away," Emma remarked dryly. Then, she and Steed left the room as well.
"Max, 99, come back here this instant! And what are you doing with the Steed's baby in your arms, 99? Where ARE the Steeds, I'd like to know?" Chief was becoming quite panicked at all these strange occurrences.
"I'm sorry, Chief sir, but I can't have you following my friends," Tara apologised. Then, she brought the blunt end of her gun down on his head. He slumped forward on his desk, unconscious.
Tara fled CONTROL headquarters as quickly as was humanly possible. She made her way to the hotel where she and the Steeds were staying. Upon entering her own suite, she noted that the other spies had already assembled there.
She walked up to the Max body and hugged him. "Poor, Steed, what on earth happened?"
"We got our brains switched, isn't that obvious?" Steed retorted bluntly.
"So Basil and Lola are occupying your bodies again?" Tara queried Mrs. Peel.
"Yes, and we don't know what they're planning to do now that we've all switched." Mrs. Peel tried to hold Katherine, but she was squirming uncomfortably. "Katie has no idea that I'm really her mother," Emma said dejectedly.
"Mommy?" the child asked, her eyes wide with fright. When her mother did not appear, Katie did the only sensible thing: she began to wail.
Max plugged his ears and shouted, "How do we get our bodies back?"
"We have to find a person who can make a new machine, and then locate Basil and Lola so we can make the switch," Steed yelled in reply.
"The blueprints are with KAOS, and you heard that KAOS scientist. Nobody is smart enough to build that machine!" Max bellowed.
There was no response, save Katie's subsiding sobs. Tara sighed as she place a thumb in the loophole of her pants. She felt something stiff in the band of the slacks, and her eyes brightened. Tara brought forth Starker's letter and exclaimed, "Siegfried can help us!"
"Siegfried is my worst enemy, not to mention that he only helps himself," began Max. "So what makes you so sure he'll build this infernal contraption for us?"
"It's just a gut feeling, but usually my instincts are right," Tara explained. "I have his address, so I'll simply pay him a friendly call tomorrow morning. Siegfried works for KAOS and is extremely intelligent, so he should be able to get those blueprints and then assemble this machine."
Max was about to speak when his own voice interrupted him. "He should be able to?" Steed repeated. "That means there is a chance he fails, and then what?"
"When that moment arrives, we'll think of something," interjected Emma.
"In the meantime, keep your fingers crossed that I can convince Conrad von Siegfried to travel the straight and narrow!" Tara concluded.
**************
With trepidation, Tara approached the decrepit building. Her light pink dress billowed in the autumn breeze, and she had to hold on to her straw hat, even though it was secured to her head by a pink, gauzy ribbon. The short sleeves on her dress were the exact same material as the ribbon, while the gown's body was a silky floral print. On her feet were her knee-high, tan sandals.
Tara wondered if her dressing up was in vain. Siegfried was not one to notice fashions, or even pretty faces for that matter.
She inhaled and exhaled slowly before knocking on the door. Quiet; and then, there came the squeak of the door's hinges. A rush of movement dizzied her, and before she could regain her equilibrium, Tara found herself in the arms of a giant.
"Mein Lieb, you have returned to me at last!" an exultant German cried.
Tara discovered that the giant German was none other than Herr Starker. "It's good to see you too, Starker, but-"
She was cut off, for Starker had dipped her back and was kissing her ardently on the lips. Miss King struggled to get out of his grasp, but it was futile. Then she heard footsteps and the distinctive voice of Conrad Siegfried.
"Stop zat zis instant!" he ordered. His thug promptly set Tara King back on her feet. "If I've told you goons vonce, I've told you a zounsand times: do not bring your women folk to our hideouts!" Conrad spat out the words with all the contempt of the world. "We are trying to avoid complications. We-" He stopped as he saw who Starker had been kissing. "Hello, Fraulein King," he said, a strange expression on his face.
Tara gazed at the tall man, who was attired in a leather jacket and turtleneck: his trademark apparel. His moustache made his countenance exceedingly debonair, and his scar was not imposing as it had been in the past but looked like something he had acquired in a well-fought battle. After dreaming about this encounter for the last several months, Tara did not know what to say.
Conrad seemed unaffected by the sudden appearance of Tara. "Zat vig looks gut on you."
Tara self-consciously touched her black wig that went down almost to her shoulders. "You said I looked like a German with long hair," she replied. She tried not to blush as she added, "May I come in?"
"Oh, JA, JA!" Starker beckoned her to follow them.
As they ventured down a dusty hallway, Siegfried asked, "How did you know vhere to find us, Miss King?"
"Starker mailed me a letter with your new address and a map on how to get here."
Siegfried glared at his brute and shouted, "Shtarker, didn't ve just have a discussion vhen Miss King first arrived about not bringing your girlfriends to zis building?"
"Yes, but I sent zat letter before ve had zat conversation." Starker's logic was so simple it baffled Conrad.
"Yes, but," sputtered Siegfried, "ve had zis discussion countless times, so . . ." He stared confusedly around himself, scratched his head, and muttered, "I give up; it's pointless to argue vith an ape like Shtarker."
The trio had arrived at the sitting room, a chamber filled with cobwebs, dust bunnies, and broken furniture. Once they were situated as comfortably as possible, Siegfried enquired in German to Starker, "*Wurden sie mir bitte die teekanne holen*?"
Starker diligently complied his boss' request and soon returned with a teapot and a tray laden with pastries. Siegfried almost smiled as he announced, "Ve vere just going to have our afternoon-"
"Tea?" Tara finished, helping Starker place the tray on a filthy coffee table.
"No-beer!" Conrad corrected. "Vould you care for some, Tara?"
"No thank you; beer is not my cup of tea, figuratively speaking."
Siegfried ceremoniously poured beer out of the teakettle into teacups for himself and his thug. He lifted the tray, waving it in front of Tara temptingly. "Vould you like somezing to eat, zen?"
The weight of her job hung heavily upon her, taking away her appetite and leaving a rock in the pit of her stomach. "No, I don't think I could swallow anything."
Conrad scowled as he tossed the platter back on the table. "That's the last time I'll ever be nice to anybody," he declared as he began to pout.
Tara did not want to be responsible for the end of Siegfried's politeness, especially since this was such a recent development. "Actually, I'd love a-" she snatched a pastry from the plate and took a large bite-"Prune Danish." As the words registered, an indescribably disgusting taste filled her mouth. Of all the sweets, why did she have to pick the Prune Danish? In her opinion, prunes were rancid little fruit. She forced herself to chew, swallow, and take another bite.
"The Prune Danish is an excellent choice," Siegfried remarked.
Starker was pouring himself another cup of beer when Siegfried whirled to face him, his eyes flashing. "Shtarker, I get seconds first!"
While they argued over that, Tara removed her hat and hid her Danish in the centre. She then placed the hat next to her on a broken couch. Looking innocent, Tara sneaked another pastry. This one was a piece of butter shortbread. She let the first bite melt in her mouth, but before she could eat any more, a hand grabbed the biscuit from her hands.
"You'll get fat if you eat too many sweets," Siegfried lectured, stuffing her shortbread into his own mouth. "Now, vhy did you come here?"
Tara cleared her throat before answering, "We-that is, Steed, Emma, the Smarts and I-need your help. Steed and Max-and their wives-somehow switched brains, and now Steed is stuck in that awful Mr. Smart's body, while the arch-criminals Basil and Lola are in Steed and Peel's body!"
Her dialogue was convoluted, but Siegfried understood it perfectly.
"So you vant me to help zat pigheaded Shmart unt your old lover, Shteed? Tell me, vhat vould possess me to do such a shtupid zing?"
Tara was insulted at his reference that she and Steed were old lovers and was also dismayed that Siegfried wanted an explanation as to why he should assist his fellowman. "Putting your hostile opinions aside, the reason you should help is because it is the humane thing to do. You're intelligent, devious, and resourceful; so it should be easy for you to get the blueprints and the materials for the machine."
"Your compliments are extremely true, but it doesn't make me vant to help. Shteed and Shmart have never come to my aide ven I needed it ze most! Zey just treat me like I am dirt, and maybe I really am. But it doesn't change the fact zat all my life I've never vanted much, yet I never got much." Siegfried paused, his breath coming in short gasps from having riled himself. "NO, I vill NOT help, and zat is final!"
Tara tried to remain serene as she persisted, "You speak of Mr. Smart being pig-headed, yet here you are being just as, if not more, obstinate than he! What makes you think that the world revolves around you? It doesn't, and if you just realised that perhaps you would have more consideration for your fellowman! Think, Siegfried; there are so many people who could use your intellect and ingenuity. Why keep it all for yourself and KAOS?"
Siegfried's head snapped to attention at the word KAOS. "Zat's another reason I can't assist your buddies: I am no longer a member of KAOS. I quit avhile ago after I had to endure Maxvell Shmart at my POW camp, Gitchee Goommee Noonee Wa-Wa. In fact, I'm considering joining the Canadian Mounties!"
If it had been any other time, the thought of Siegfried dressed in the red Mounties uniform might have produced some giggles from Miss King, but she was terribly annoyed with him. "You self-centred, egotistical-"
"Zat's redundant!" quipped Siegfried.
"-selfish maniac!" finished the infuriated Tara. Her anger quickly dissolved into frustration and hopelessness. "I'm never speaking to you again, Conrad von Siegfried!" she choked, rising from her seat.
"You don't expect me to believe that, do you?" Conrad replied mockingly.
Tara did not respond but dashed blindly from the room, bumping into several walls and miscellaneous furniture as she went. She didn't hesitate for a moment until she was out the door. Then she halted, gazed back at the forlorn building, shook her head, and climbed into her rented vehicle.
She was so distressed she began driving on the wrong side of the road. She was severely reprimanded by a very temperamental driver, who called her several unspeakable names before speeding down the street. She quickly swerved onto the correct side of the road and drove back to the hotel without any other inexcusable mistakes.
Starker had been silent during his employer and Miss King's discourse, but after seeing his "love," flee from the room in such a distraught state, he had to speak his mind. "You are very mean to my gut friend."
"Tell me somezing I don't know, Shtarker," Siegfried retorted.
"You have no right to talk to anybody zat vay, especially Tara. Ich liebe sie, you know."
Siegfried was quiet, contemplating his thug's words. Finally he sighed, a sigh that indicated defeat and regret. "I know zat too, Shtarker."
"Vell, if you know zat, zen treat her vith a little more respect, if not for my sake for hers! I don't' vant you to scare her off and ruin my chance for happiness."
Siegfried's mood altered, and he snapped, "Vhat gives you ze right to talk back to me?"
"Vhat gives me the right to talk to you like zat is Tara's kindness and generosity towards me. I feel more like a human vith her zen I ever did vith you! I know you saved my life, and I zank you for zat! But Siegfried, you go too far zis time!" Starker stomped his foot emphatically then stormed from the chamber.
"Even my own goon has betrayed me!" Siegfried cried incredulously. "I must be going mad!" Placing his head in his hands, he rose from his position on a moldy armchair. Then, an inexpressible urge possessed him, and before he realised what he had done, he threw the teapot against the wall with all the strength he could muster.
The sound of it smashing did not ease his nerves as he had hoped. Siegfried sunk onto the sofa, trying to regain his bearings. He was loosing control, and he didn't like the feeling. His left hand brushed over something prickly and dry, and he glanced down to see Tara's straw hat next to him. In her rush, she had forgotten to take it with her. He gently picked it up, examining it thoughtfully. An object fell to the ground; it was the half-eaten Prune Danish.
As he turned the hat over and over in his hands, Siegfried felt something tug at his conscience. He tried to ignore the mood, but it grew stronger with each interminable minute. Tara's declaration had wounded him internally in a place he hadn't known existed: his heart. Should he stop his pity-party and rejoin the human race, being as neighbourly as the next man? Even as he asked the question to himself, Conrad knew the answer.
A look of resolve spread across his visage, and he rose to his feet, his black boots immediately stepping on the neglected Prune Danish and crumbling it into fine powder. Siegfried marched out of the room, his hand still clutching Tara's straw hat.
To Be Continued!
German Word Translations:
JA, JA-- Yes, Yes
Wurden sie mir bitte die teekanne holen-- Would you get the teapot for me?
Sorry, if the German is not perfect. I'm a beginner!
"Humpty-Dumpty sat on a wall!" intoned Miss King and the Chief to little Katie. Since it had been three hours since they had last seen the Steeds and Smart, Tara and Thaddeus were trying desperately not to worry over their friends' safety. To distract themselves, they had been entertaining Katherine. "Humpty-Dumpty had a great fall."
Just then, Larabee entered, toting a manila folder. He heard his boss and the English woman reciting poems and decided to join in. "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty back together again!" Tara and Thaddeus stared at him blankly. "Is that the new sign and countersign, Chief?"
Chief rolled his eyes as he answered, "No, Miss King and I were just playing with the Steeds' baby." He observed that the inept agent was holding a top-secret file. "Did you bring the information on Basil and Lola?"
Larabee nodded, handed over the folder, and left the office, forgetting to close the sliding door behind him.
"I think the Chief is quite finished with our little game," Tara surmised, bouncing Katie on her knee. Katie stuck two fingers in her mouth and turned to stare at the elderly man.
Thaddeus did not hear Tara, for he was too occupied reading about the enemy agents. He soon became absorbed studying the coloured photographs of the two.
It was at this moment that four people ran into his office, panting and speaking rapidly. "Chief, Chief, we need the best CONTROL scientists you can find!" came a distinct British voice.
Chief wondered what strange man was addressing him and, looking up, perceived the face of Basil! "How did you get in here?" Chief demanded, as he rose to his feet.
"The door was wide open! Gee, I didn't know you wanted us to knock first. Sorry about that, Chief!" Max turned to knock on the door but was checked by his irate employer.
"How dare you impersonate Maxwell Smart! What have you done with him and 99, you KAOS killer?"
"But we are 99 and Max," protested Mrs. Smart. With chagrin, she recalled that she and Max were now in the bodies of the enemy. It would not be an easy task convincing her boss that they were indeed Agents 86 and 99, but she had to try. "We swapped brains with Basil and Lola," she added.
"Do you expect me to believe that implausible tale?" Thaddeus scoffed.
Tara slinked into a corner, protecting Katie from the insane agents. She scanned the room and spotted two familiar faces: Agents 86 and 99. "There's Max and his wife!" she cried.
"No," began the Max body, "I'm John Steed, and that's Mrs. Peel! What Basil-er-Max is saying is the truth!"
"Max, you're delusional!" Chief gazed with concern at the five-foot seven inch spy. Despite Max's unbearable idiosyncrasies, Thaddeus thought of him as a son. He glared at the figure of Basil, hoping he would spontaneously combust. "What did you do to Max to put him in this hallucinatory mindset? Did you drug him, or hypnotise him?"
Steed was becoming frantic. "I am perfectly fine, Chief, as is Max, and that man IS MAX!" He pointed at the body of Basil that, even with Max inhabiting it, seemed conceited and self-assured.
Tara's mind was clicking at an abnormal rate. She recollected the story of Emma and John's incredible body-swap with Basil and Lola. Could it have happened again? "Chief, I believe that Basil-or whoever is in his body-is indeed telling the truth, and the same goes for Max-I mean, Steed."
Chief desperately wanted to believe his friends and acquaintances, but there were certain things that just were too inconceivable. Sighing with resignation, he pressed a button on his desk and spoke into the intercom. "This is a red alert, I repeat, a red alert! We have two criminals in our building. Block all exits to CONTROL and send four men into my office right now!"
Tara realised that the CONTROL men were certain to examine Steed and Emma for signs of drugs or brainwash and arrest Max and 99 for treason! She couldn't let this happen, but what chance did she have against four men, especially when her companions looked too tired to assist her? Then she remembered the gun in her purse.
With Katie in the crook of one arm, Tara reached for her purse with her free hand. She silently unfastened her purse and searched it for her gun. Amidst the clutter of tissue, makeup and cough drops, she found it. She pointed it at Chief, shouting, "All right, call off that red alert, or I'll shoot you!"
Everyone stared at her, agape. Chief recovered his composure first and declared, "I would rather die for my country than recall that red alert. These criminals need to be apprehended."
Tara began to panic, but she quickly changed tactics. She aimed the weapon at the Max body, yelling, "Then I will murder Mr. Smart unless you call off that warning."
"You better do what she says, Chief sir!" Steed remarked, cagily eyeing the gun that was aimed at him.
Thaddeus had no choice but to acquiesce. "This is the Chief. That red alert was a false alarm; I repeat, false alarm. There are no criminals that need to be arrested, so nobody report to my office." After finishing his speech into the intercom, he glared at Miss King. "I hope there is a good reason for your outrageous behaviour."
"Mr. and Mrs. Smart, run as fast as you can," Tara ordered in a strangely calm tone. Max and 99 hesitated a moment before bolting out the door. "You'd better get out of here as well, Steed."
"You're as crazy as the rest of them," Chief announced.
Steed looked into Tara's eyes and realised that she believed their story. Mrs. Peel must have also sensed this, for she took Katie from Miss King's arm.
"And you had better put that weapon away," Emma remarked dryly. Then, she and Steed left the room as well.
"Max, 99, come back here this instant! And what are you doing with the Steed's baby in your arms, 99? Where ARE the Steeds, I'd like to know?" Chief was becoming quite panicked at all these strange occurrences.
"I'm sorry, Chief sir, but I can't have you following my friends," Tara apologised. Then, she brought the blunt end of her gun down on his head. He slumped forward on his desk, unconscious.
Tara fled CONTROL headquarters as quickly as was humanly possible. She made her way to the hotel where she and the Steeds were staying. Upon entering her own suite, she noted that the other spies had already assembled there.
She walked up to the Max body and hugged him. "Poor, Steed, what on earth happened?"
"We got our brains switched, isn't that obvious?" Steed retorted bluntly.
"So Basil and Lola are occupying your bodies again?" Tara queried Mrs. Peel.
"Yes, and we don't know what they're planning to do now that we've all switched." Mrs. Peel tried to hold Katherine, but she was squirming uncomfortably. "Katie has no idea that I'm really her mother," Emma said dejectedly.
"Mommy?" the child asked, her eyes wide with fright. When her mother did not appear, Katie did the only sensible thing: she began to wail.
Max plugged his ears and shouted, "How do we get our bodies back?"
"We have to find a person who can make a new machine, and then locate Basil and Lola so we can make the switch," Steed yelled in reply.
"The blueprints are with KAOS, and you heard that KAOS scientist. Nobody is smart enough to build that machine!" Max bellowed.
There was no response, save Katie's subsiding sobs. Tara sighed as she place a thumb in the loophole of her pants. She felt something stiff in the band of the slacks, and her eyes brightened. Tara brought forth Starker's letter and exclaimed, "Siegfried can help us!"
"Siegfried is my worst enemy, not to mention that he only helps himself," began Max. "So what makes you so sure he'll build this infernal contraption for us?"
"It's just a gut feeling, but usually my instincts are right," Tara explained. "I have his address, so I'll simply pay him a friendly call tomorrow morning. Siegfried works for KAOS and is extremely intelligent, so he should be able to get those blueprints and then assemble this machine."
Max was about to speak when his own voice interrupted him. "He should be able to?" Steed repeated. "That means there is a chance he fails, and then what?"
"When that moment arrives, we'll think of something," interjected Emma.
"In the meantime, keep your fingers crossed that I can convince Conrad von Siegfried to travel the straight and narrow!" Tara concluded.
**************
With trepidation, Tara approached the decrepit building. Her light pink dress billowed in the autumn breeze, and she had to hold on to her straw hat, even though it was secured to her head by a pink, gauzy ribbon. The short sleeves on her dress were the exact same material as the ribbon, while the gown's body was a silky floral print. On her feet were her knee-high, tan sandals.
Tara wondered if her dressing up was in vain. Siegfried was not one to notice fashions, or even pretty faces for that matter.
She inhaled and exhaled slowly before knocking on the door. Quiet; and then, there came the squeak of the door's hinges. A rush of movement dizzied her, and before she could regain her equilibrium, Tara found herself in the arms of a giant.
"Mein Lieb, you have returned to me at last!" an exultant German cried.
Tara discovered that the giant German was none other than Herr Starker. "It's good to see you too, Starker, but-"
She was cut off, for Starker had dipped her back and was kissing her ardently on the lips. Miss King struggled to get out of his grasp, but it was futile. Then she heard footsteps and the distinctive voice of Conrad Siegfried.
"Stop zat zis instant!" he ordered. His thug promptly set Tara King back on her feet. "If I've told you goons vonce, I've told you a zounsand times: do not bring your women folk to our hideouts!" Conrad spat out the words with all the contempt of the world. "We are trying to avoid complications. We-" He stopped as he saw who Starker had been kissing. "Hello, Fraulein King," he said, a strange expression on his face.
Tara gazed at the tall man, who was attired in a leather jacket and turtleneck: his trademark apparel. His moustache made his countenance exceedingly debonair, and his scar was not imposing as it had been in the past but looked like something he had acquired in a well-fought battle. After dreaming about this encounter for the last several months, Tara did not know what to say.
Conrad seemed unaffected by the sudden appearance of Tara. "Zat vig looks gut on you."
Tara self-consciously touched her black wig that went down almost to her shoulders. "You said I looked like a German with long hair," she replied. She tried not to blush as she added, "May I come in?"
"Oh, JA, JA!" Starker beckoned her to follow them.
As they ventured down a dusty hallway, Siegfried asked, "How did you know vhere to find us, Miss King?"
"Starker mailed me a letter with your new address and a map on how to get here."
Siegfried glared at his brute and shouted, "Shtarker, didn't ve just have a discussion vhen Miss King first arrived about not bringing your girlfriends to zis building?"
"Yes, but I sent zat letter before ve had zat conversation." Starker's logic was so simple it baffled Conrad.
"Yes, but," sputtered Siegfried, "ve had zis discussion countless times, so . . ." He stared confusedly around himself, scratched his head, and muttered, "I give up; it's pointless to argue vith an ape like Shtarker."
The trio had arrived at the sitting room, a chamber filled with cobwebs, dust bunnies, and broken furniture. Once they were situated as comfortably as possible, Siegfried enquired in German to Starker, "*Wurden sie mir bitte die teekanne holen*?"
Starker diligently complied his boss' request and soon returned with a teapot and a tray laden with pastries. Siegfried almost smiled as he announced, "Ve vere just going to have our afternoon-"
"Tea?" Tara finished, helping Starker place the tray on a filthy coffee table.
"No-beer!" Conrad corrected. "Vould you care for some, Tara?"
"No thank you; beer is not my cup of tea, figuratively speaking."
Siegfried ceremoniously poured beer out of the teakettle into teacups for himself and his thug. He lifted the tray, waving it in front of Tara temptingly. "Vould you like somezing to eat, zen?"
The weight of her job hung heavily upon her, taking away her appetite and leaving a rock in the pit of her stomach. "No, I don't think I could swallow anything."
Conrad scowled as he tossed the platter back on the table. "That's the last time I'll ever be nice to anybody," he declared as he began to pout.
Tara did not want to be responsible for the end of Siegfried's politeness, especially since this was such a recent development. "Actually, I'd love a-" she snatched a pastry from the plate and took a large bite-"Prune Danish." As the words registered, an indescribably disgusting taste filled her mouth. Of all the sweets, why did she have to pick the Prune Danish? In her opinion, prunes were rancid little fruit. She forced herself to chew, swallow, and take another bite.
"The Prune Danish is an excellent choice," Siegfried remarked.
Starker was pouring himself another cup of beer when Siegfried whirled to face him, his eyes flashing. "Shtarker, I get seconds first!"
While they argued over that, Tara removed her hat and hid her Danish in the centre. She then placed the hat next to her on a broken couch. Looking innocent, Tara sneaked another pastry. This one was a piece of butter shortbread. She let the first bite melt in her mouth, but before she could eat any more, a hand grabbed the biscuit from her hands.
"You'll get fat if you eat too many sweets," Siegfried lectured, stuffing her shortbread into his own mouth. "Now, vhy did you come here?"
Tara cleared her throat before answering, "We-that is, Steed, Emma, the Smarts and I-need your help. Steed and Max-and their wives-somehow switched brains, and now Steed is stuck in that awful Mr. Smart's body, while the arch-criminals Basil and Lola are in Steed and Peel's body!"
Her dialogue was convoluted, but Siegfried understood it perfectly.
"So you vant me to help zat pigheaded Shmart unt your old lover, Shteed? Tell me, vhat vould possess me to do such a shtupid zing?"
Tara was insulted at his reference that she and Steed were old lovers and was also dismayed that Siegfried wanted an explanation as to why he should assist his fellowman. "Putting your hostile opinions aside, the reason you should help is because it is the humane thing to do. You're intelligent, devious, and resourceful; so it should be easy for you to get the blueprints and the materials for the machine."
"Your compliments are extremely true, but it doesn't make me vant to help. Shteed and Shmart have never come to my aide ven I needed it ze most! Zey just treat me like I am dirt, and maybe I really am. But it doesn't change the fact zat all my life I've never vanted much, yet I never got much." Siegfried paused, his breath coming in short gasps from having riled himself. "NO, I vill NOT help, and zat is final!"
Tara tried to remain serene as she persisted, "You speak of Mr. Smart being pig-headed, yet here you are being just as, if not more, obstinate than he! What makes you think that the world revolves around you? It doesn't, and if you just realised that perhaps you would have more consideration for your fellowman! Think, Siegfried; there are so many people who could use your intellect and ingenuity. Why keep it all for yourself and KAOS?"
Siegfried's head snapped to attention at the word KAOS. "Zat's another reason I can't assist your buddies: I am no longer a member of KAOS. I quit avhile ago after I had to endure Maxvell Shmart at my POW camp, Gitchee Goommee Noonee Wa-Wa. In fact, I'm considering joining the Canadian Mounties!"
If it had been any other time, the thought of Siegfried dressed in the red Mounties uniform might have produced some giggles from Miss King, but she was terribly annoyed with him. "You self-centred, egotistical-"
"Zat's redundant!" quipped Siegfried.
"-selfish maniac!" finished the infuriated Tara. Her anger quickly dissolved into frustration and hopelessness. "I'm never speaking to you again, Conrad von Siegfried!" she choked, rising from her seat.
"You don't expect me to believe that, do you?" Conrad replied mockingly.
Tara did not respond but dashed blindly from the room, bumping into several walls and miscellaneous furniture as she went. She didn't hesitate for a moment until she was out the door. Then she halted, gazed back at the forlorn building, shook her head, and climbed into her rented vehicle.
She was so distressed she began driving on the wrong side of the road. She was severely reprimanded by a very temperamental driver, who called her several unspeakable names before speeding down the street. She quickly swerved onto the correct side of the road and drove back to the hotel without any other inexcusable mistakes.
Starker had been silent during his employer and Miss King's discourse, but after seeing his "love," flee from the room in such a distraught state, he had to speak his mind. "You are very mean to my gut friend."
"Tell me somezing I don't know, Shtarker," Siegfried retorted.
"You have no right to talk to anybody zat vay, especially Tara. Ich liebe sie, you know."
Siegfried was quiet, contemplating his thug's words. Finally he sighed, a sigh that indicated defeat and regret. "I know zat too, Shtarker."
"Vell, if you know zat, zen treat her vith a little more respect, if not for my sake for hers! I don't' vant you to scare her off and ruin my chance for happiness."
Siegfried's mood altered, and he snapped, "Vhat gives you ze right to talk back to me?"
"Vhat gives me the right to talk to you like zat is Tara's kindness and generosity towards me. I feel more like a human vith her zen I ever did vith you! I know you saved my life, and I zank you for zat! But Siegfried, you go too far zis time!" Starker stomped his foot emphatically then stormed from the chamber.
"Even my own goon has betrayed me!" Siegfried cried incredulously. "I must be going mad!" Placing his head in his hands, he rose from his position on a moldy armchair. Then, an inexpressible urge possessed him, and before he realised what he had done, he threw the teapot against the wall with all the strength he could muster.
The sound of it smashing did not ease his nerves as he had hoped. Siegfried sunk onto the sofa, trying to regain his bearings. He was loosing control, and he didn't like the feeling. His left hand brushed over something prickly and dry, and he glanced down to see Tara's straw hat next to him. In her rush, she had forgotten to take it with her. He gently picked it up, examining it thoughtfully. An object fell to the ground; it was the half-eaten Prune Danish.
As he turned the hat over and over in his hands, Siegfried felt something tug at his conscience. He tried to ignore the mood, but it grew stronger with each interminable minute. Tara's declaration had wounded him internally in a place he hadn't known existed: his heart. Should he stop his pity-party and rejoin the human race, being as neighbourly as the next man? Even as he asked the question to himself, Conrad knew the answer.
A look of resolve spread across his visage, and he rose to his feet, his black boots immediately stepping on the neglected Prune Danish and crumbling it into fine powder. Siegfried marched out of the room, his hand still clutching Tara's straw hat.
To Be Continued!
German Word Translations:
JA, JA-- Yes, Yes
Wurden sie mir bitte die teekanne holen-- Would you get the teapot for me?
Sorry, if the German is not perfect. I'm a beginner!