Thanks again for the reviews, I know I say it every time, but I really am
grateful. Sorry I haven't updated for ages, but it's bank holiday weekend
over here in the UK, and on a bank holiday everybody suddenly decides
there's hundreds of jobs to do, and insist on yours truly helping them.
Anyway, here's chapter 13!
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She's back now, she's OK.
And I hold her as tight as I can.
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Chapter 13 – Healing
She's been back for four days now. She spent the first two in the SGC, under close observation, and then insisted on going home after that. I haven't seen her since she left.
I roll over in bed and look at the clock. It says 3:15 am. I groan, and turn over again. I don't know what woke me up, I didn't wake up suddenly, with a jump, I just became slowly drifted in to consciousness.
Trouble is, now I'm awake I can't stop thinking about Sam. I missed her so much while she was gone, and I know I promised myself that if she was OK, I would tell her how I felt. Trouble is, I made that pledge to myself when I didn't think she was coming back. Now, it's harder to tell her than I thought.
I could come up with a million reasons why I haven't said anything. I could say that there hasn't been a good time, or I don't know if she feels the same way. But that's bullshit. There have been plenty of times I could have said something, and I know she feels something for me, the damn Za'tarc test told me that much. The truth is, I'm just too much of a coward to say anything.
I don't know how she's feeling right now. I hope and pray she'll be OK, but the thought is at the back of my mind that she won't be. She's strong, I know she is, but how much can a person really get over something like this?
I make another silent prayer for her to be OK, and try to get back to sleep. I feel myself drifting off, when I can hear, coming from somewhere in the house, a very faint knocking. My worn out body tells me to ignore it, that it's nothing. But that old air force instinct is willing me to go check it out.
I pull myself out of bed, and wonder out of my room, too plagued by sleep to walk properly. As I get to the bedroom door, the knocking becomes louder, and I can hear it more clearly. It's coming from the front door.
It's very frantic knocking, and it doesn't stop. Whoever is there isn't going to take no for an answer. Which leads me to another question – who the hell is calling at 3:15 am?
I open the door slowly. It's Sam. My mouth drops open, but it's not her being here that shocks me. It's her. She looks terrible. She's still in her Pajamas, all she's done is throw her shoes and coat on over the top. Her hair is disheveled, she hasn't bothered to brush it, and she obviously hasn't taken her make up off from the night before, so consequently it is now smeared all round her eyes.
But the thing that shocks me most of all, is that she's crying. I've seen her cry before, but never like this. Before, she's turned away, tried to stifle them before they get too bad. But this time, it's like she doesn't care. They fall freely down her cheeks, and she doesn't even attempt to wipe them away.
"Oh, god" She whispers. I don't say anything; I don't know what the hell to say. "I thought you were dead. I, I had a dream, that she killed you, but then I woke up, and it was so real, and I didn't know whether it was a dream or a memory. I couldn't remember, and I had to find you, and I, I..." she's almost hysterical from sobbing now.
I don't say a word. Instead I take her hand, and pull inside, out of the cold. Then I hold her in my arms, as tight as I can. Once again I feel the sobs shaking her body, I hold her tighter now. She's freezing. I want to go get her a blanket or something, but I'm afraid if I let go, she might break down completely.
I hate seeing her like this. She always seems so strong, and while I worry sometimes it's just an act, I can dismiss it, and pretend everything is OK. Because then I don't have to talk to her. Because if I talk to her, I might have to acknowledge these feelings inside.
But know it looks as if I was right all along. She isn't as strong as she looks. But the truth is, this makes me love her even more, because now I can see, she's human, just like the rest of us.
***
I wake in a chair a few hours later, with a terrible cramp in my neck from sitting in one position for so long. She fell asleep in my arms the night before, so I lay her down on the sofa, covering her with a blanket.
I should have gone back to bed then, but she looked so fragile, lying there, sleeping, that I was afraid to leave her, so I sat in the chair, watching her sleep. I didn't think sleep would come for me that night, but I must have drifted off eventually.
I try to open my eyes, and try to wave off the last bits of sleep. I look over to the sofa, and she's gone. Panic starts to fill me, until I see the note on the coffee table, written in her neat writing.
Colonel, sorry about last night. Thank you for being so understanding. Gone back home to get some things, then going to the base. Once again, sorry. Carter.
I laugh at this note. She was so upset last night, yet she was worried about imposing on me. I smile as I think to myself, no matter how long I know her, she will always surprise me.
***
I get dressed and head to the base myself. I check all her usual haunts, her lab, the commissary, the gate room. She's not in any of them. Worried now, I go to General Hammond's office. I knock on the door, and open it.
Relief fills me when I see her in there. She looks marginally better than last night. But she still looks pale, and I think she's lost some weight. She stands up when she sees me.
"Colonel" She says, looking a bit uncomfortable. She's embarrassed that I saw her that upset. "There's er... something you should know" She takes a deep breath, and suddenly, she can't meet my eyes anymore. Instead, she stares at the floor.
"I'm leaving, sir." She clears her throat "I'm resigning from the air force and from the SGC" I stare at her, incapable of doing anything else.
Finally I get the words out "Resigning, why?" But they sound very choked up. I tell myself to keep my cool, but once again, it's getting harder.
"Sir, I don't think I can continue to work in the SGC effectively. Too..." She struggles now, and her voice is becoming thick with tears. "Too much has happened now, there are... there are too many bad memories, and I don't think..." Not able to fight the tears any longer, she runs from the room, not even bothering to excuse her self.
I turn to General Hammond. "Tell me you're not OK with this?" I say incredulously. He shakes his head.
"No, Colonel, I am not OK with this. But ultimately it is Major Carter's decision, and I intend to stick by her, no matter what she wants, and I think you should do the same".
I can't listen to any of this. I leave his office. I have to find Sam. I have to make her change her mind.
If she leaves, then I might not see her any more, and the thought of that scares me so much.
She's in her office, packing stuff in to boxes, still fighting the tears. She looks up, and sees me. She gives a half smile, but it's one of those 'brave smiles' she gives people. She still doesn't realize I can see right through it.
"Please don't leave" is all I can say. She looks up, and sighs.
"Colonel, I have to. I can't be at this place anymore. I can't go back through the gate, I just can't. Sir, please try to understand".
"Sam, you're resigning. You call me Jack now" I say bitterly, and I can see how much the comment hurt her, but I can't help it. When I'm hurting, I lash out at people, usually people I care about. It's what drove Sara away, and I pray it won't drive Sam away.
"Where are you going anyway?" I say, trying to calm down, to act rationally.
"Denver, to stay with my brother for a while. Jack... I don't want to stay in Colorado Springs, but... but I would, if I had a reason to. Can you... can you give me a reason to?" she says, her eyes hopeful.
But once again, I can't say it, and once again, I find myself lashing out.
"Sam, if you want to go, you should go" I say, not even believing I'm saying it. I see the hurt flash in her eyes, just for a second, before the defenses go up, and the anger is there.
"Fine" she says, grabbing her box of things, and heading out of the door.
TBC
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Ooooh. Let me know if you want more!! Please R n R!!
**************************************************************************** *****
She's back now, she's OK.
And I hold her as tight as I can.
**************************************************************************** *****
Chapter 13 – Healing
She's been back for four days now. She spent the first two in the SGC, under close observation, and then insisted on going home after that. I haven't seen her since she left.
I roll over in bed and look at the clock. It says 3:15 am. I groan, and turn over again. I don't know what woke me up, I didn't wake up suddenly, with a jump, I just became slowly drifted in to consciousness.
Trouble is, now I'm awake I can't stop thinking about Sam. I missed her so much while she was gone, and I know I promised myself that if she was OK, I would tell her how I felt. Trouble is, I made that pledge to myself when I didn't think she was coming back. Now, it's harder to tell her than I thought.
I could come up with a million reasons why I haven't said anything. I could say that there hasn't been a good time, or I don't know if she feels the same way. But that's bullshit. There have been plenty of times I could have said something, and I know she feels something for me, the damn Za'tarc test told me that much. The truth is, I'm just too much of a coward to say anything.
I don't know how she's feeling right now. I hope and pray she'll be OK, but the thought is at the back of my mind that she won't be. She's strong, I know she is, but how much can a person really get over something like this?
I make another silent prayer for her to be OK, and try to get back to sleep. I feel myself drifting off, when I can hear, coming from somewhere in the house, a very faint knocking. My worn out body tells me to ignore it, that it's nothing. But that old air force instinct is willing me to go check it out.
I pull myself out of bed, and wonder out of my room, too plagued by sleep to walk properly. As I get to the bedroom door, the knocking becomes louder, and I can hear it more clearly. It's coming from the front door.
It's very frantic knocking, and it doesn't stop. Whoever is there isn't going to take no for an answer. Which leads me to another question – who the hell is calling at 3:15 am?
I open the door slowly. It's Sam. My mouth drops open, but it's not her being here that shocks me. It's her. She looks terrible. She's still in her Pajamas, all she's done is throw her shoes and coat on over the top. Her hair is disheveled, she hasn't bothered to brush it, and she obviously hasn't taken her make up off from the night before, so consequently it is now smeared all round her eyes.
But the thing that shocks me most of all, is that she's crying. I've seen her cry before, but never like this. Before, she's turned away, tried to stifle them before they get too bad. But this time, it's like she doesn't care. They fall freely down her cheeks, and she doesn't even attempt to wipe them away.
"Oh, god" She whispers. I don't say anything; I don't know what the hell to say. "I thought you were dead. I, I had a dream, that she killed you, but then I woke up, and it was so real, and I didn't know whether it was a dream or a memory. I couldn't remember, and I had to find you, and I, I..." she's almost hysterical from sobbing now.
I don't say a word. Instead I take her hand, and pull inside, out of the cold. Then I hold her in my arms, as tight as I can. Once again I feel the sobs shaking her body, I hold her tighter now. She's freezing. I want to go get her a blanket or something, but I'm afraid if I let go, she might break down completely.
I hate seeing her like this. She always seems so strong, and while I worry sometimes it's just an act, I can dismiss it, and pretend everything is OK. Because then I don't have to talk to her. Because if I talk to her, I might have to acknowledge these feelings inside.
But know it looks as if I was right all along. She isn't as strong as she looks. But the truth is, this makes me love her even more, because now I can see, she's human, just like the rest of us.
***
I wake in a chair a few hours later, with a terrible cramp in my neck from sitting in one position for so long. She fell asleep in my arms the night before, so I lay her down on the sofa, covering her with a blanket.
I should have gone back to bed then, but she looked so fragile, lying there, sleeping, that I was afraid to leave her, so I sat in the chair, watching her sleep. I didn't think sleep would come for me that night, but I must have drifted off eventually.
I try to open my eyes, and try to wave off the last bits of sleep. I look over to the sofa, and she's gone. Panic starts to fill me, until I see the note on the coffee table, written in her neat writing.
Colonel, sorry about last night. Thank you for being so understanding. Gone back home to get some things, then going to the base. Once again, sorry. Carter.
I laugh at this note. She was so upset last night, yet she was worried about imposing on me. I smile as I think to myself, no matter how long I know her, she will always surprise me.
***
I get dressed and head to the base myself. I check all her usual haunts, her lab, the commissary, the gate room. She's not in any of them. Worried now, I go to General Hammond's office. I knock on the door, and open it.
Relief fills me when I see her in there. She looks marginally better than last night. But she still looks pale, and I think she's lost some weight. She stands up when she sees me.
"Colonel" She says, looking a bit uncomfortable. She's embarrassed that I saw her that upset. "There's er... something you should know" She takes a deep breath, and suddenly, she can't meet my eyes anymore. Instead, she stares at the floor.
"I'm leaving, sir." She clears her throat "I'm resigning from the air force and from the SGC" I stare at her, incapable of doing anything else.
Finally I get the words out "Resigning, why?" But they sound very choked up. I tell myself to keep my cool, but once again, it's getting harder.
"Sir, I don't think I can continue to work in the SGC effectively. Too..." She struggles now, and her voice is becoming thick with tears. "Too much has happened now, there are... there are too many bad memories, and I don't think..." Not able to fight the tears any longer, she runs from the room, not even bothering to excuse her self.
I turn to General Hammond. "Tell me you're not OK with this?" I say incredulously. He shakes his head.
"No, Colonel, I am not OK with this. But ultimately it is Major Carter's decision, and I intend to stick by her, no matter what she wants, and I think you should do the same".
I can't listen to any of this. I leave his office. I have to find Sam. I have to make her change her mind.
If she leaves, then I might not see her any more, and the thought of that scares me so much.
She's in her office, packing stuff in to boxes, still fighting the tears. She looks up, and sees me. She gives a half smile, but it's one of those 'brave smiles' she gives people. She still doesn't realize I can see right through it.
"Please don't leave" is all I can say. She looks up, and sighs.
"Colonel, I have to. I can't be at this place anymore. I can't go back through the gate, I just can't. Sir, please try to understand".
"Sam, you're resigning. You call me Jack now" I say bitterly, and I can see how much the comment hurt her, but I can't help it. When I'm hurting, I lash out at people, usually people I care about. It's what drove Sara away, and I pray it won't drive Sam away.
"Where are you going anyway?" I say, trying to calm down, to act rationally.
"Denver, to stay with my brother for a while. Jack... I don't want to stay in Colorado Springs, but... but I would, if I had a reason to. Can you... can you give me a reason to?" she says, her eyes hopeful.
But once again, I can't say it, and once again, I find myself lashing out.
"Sam, if you want to go, you should go" I say, not even believing I'm saying it. I see the hurt flash in her eyes, just for a second, before the defenses go up, and the anger is there.
"Fine" she says, grabbing her box of things, and heading out of the door.
TBC
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Ooooh. Let me know if you want more!! Please R n R!!