Disclaimer: Tolkien owns all, for the most part, anyway. I don't think he'd want to see what I've done to his masterpiece in the name of humor. I also don't own any of the various movies and books I might mention.
A/N: This is mostly a parody of the movie, although I do throw in a bit from the book from time. It's also set in the same time period, but for some strange reason, modern technology keeps popping up every so often, like, ah, Pippin's D.J booth and a pickup truck. Please review when you're done reading this chapter, even if it's just a "lol" or "god this sucks" or something. I want to know if anyone's seen this and all this typing has not been in vain.
And so, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, Mendora Queen of Fire presents to you:
The Lord of Chaos, Confusion and General Insanity
It was another beautiful day in the Shire. They all seemed to start that way, but, while the weather could be nice and balmy and lovely late-summerish, events often transpired within these days that could possibly not be all that desirable. Such as today. As we are about to discover.
It was a good day to just flop under a tree with a good book and read it cover to cover, but in a certain hobbit's case that book would feature a certain teenage wizard with a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead and crazy black hair. His cousin (or caretaker, guardian, warden, take your pick) didn't approve of these books, not for their "satanic" references or anything, but because Frodo couldn't keep quiet when he read them. If he read them in his comfy hobbit-hole, he would randomly yell out things on the order of "oh wow, cool!" "God, Hermonie sounds hot!" "Sweet!" "Completely, totally and in all other ways inconceivable!" (a l´ Vizini from "The Princess Bride) and, of course "Dudical Dude!" These were often followed by an ongoing spiel of Harry-Potter babble that drove Bilbo up the wall.
That's why Frodo was reading in the woods this particular day.
Now it happened that a certain Wizard arrived in Hobbiton that day, who happened to be a friend of Bilbo's. Actually, he pitied the poor hobbit for being stuck with Frodo 24/7 and had recently been conspiring with him to get rid of Frodo and his band of equally loony friends. They would have settled with just getting them out of the Shire, but sending them off on a suicide mission would be even better. That way they wouldn't come back.
It just so happened that the road said Wizard was traveling along in his horse-drawn cart passed not very far away from the place Frodo was reading, and his sharp ears picked up the sound of the cart approaching. Or, more accurately, the sounds of the Wizard cursing at the horse to move faster. Frodo jumped up, excited at the possibility to have someone else to annoy besides Bilbo.
He dashed through the trees down to the road, meeting the cart as it came around a bend. He grinned when he heard Gandalf.
"Will you move faster, you damn bag of bones?! Hell, I could get there faster than you if I crawled. Come on, move your ass! Oh wait, you ARE an ass…"
He got a glimpse of Frodo as he came, and panicked. This was definitely NOT in the game plan. He cursed even more savagely at his poor beast of burden, which, miraculously, broke into a trot.
"Wait!" called Frodo, running alongside. "C'mon Gandalf, wait for me!"
A sudden inspiration occurred to the wizard. The plan would go along much smoother if he made some attempt to be civil to Frodo. Hurriedly, he reined in the horse.
"Whoa, dumb ass! Stop! I said STOP! Geez, I couldn't get you to go before, and now you won't stop. What's WRONG with horses today? I-"
The horse obeyed, digging its hooves into the road with all the force it had. The result was nothing short of a small-scale car collision. The cart whammed into the horse's hindquarters, Gandalf's hat fell down over his eyes, the horse reared, throwing its driver over the back of the seat of the cart to land with and undignified whump on top of his carefully concealed stack of fireworks.
Frodo took no notice of the wizard's predicament and he caught up with the cart.
"You're" he panted, "late. Seventeen minutes and forty-two seconds to be exact. What kept you?"
Gandalf forced a painful smile. "Engine trouble," he said, gesturing toward his horse and trying to extract himself from his fireworks at the same time. He instantly regretted that excuse as he watched Frodo's eyes light up. He just knew that Frodo was about to spout out, word for word, the entire Quarter Horse's Owner's Manual in an attempt to identify the problem.
"-But I get it fixed back in Southfarthing, don't worry," he added hastily before the hobbit could get started.
Frodo looked distinctly disappointed, and Gandalf was very relieved at his quick save.
"Oh-um well, it's wonderful to see you Gandalf!"
"Yeah, whatever. Hop in the cart. You're coming back with me."
Frodo's face fell. "But, but…I wanna read some more! Can I stay a little longer? You can come with me, I'll tell you all about-"
"NO!" Gandalf shouted, knowing what he'd be in for if he did. Frodo jumped, startled.
"No," he said, a bit more gently, trying to force regret into his voice. "I'm in a bit of a hurry so…"
"Oh, okay! I'll tell you about the Chamber of Secrets on the way."
"Oh shit."
Frodo hopped in the cart and they were off. They rode along in a prickly silence for a ways, then Frodo spoke up. To Gandalf's profound relief, he didn't mention Harry Potter. On the other hand, what he did mention was a rather ticklish subject that Gandalf had been hoping he could avoid.
"You know, I think you and Bilbo are up to something. At least Bilbo, anyway…"
"Now where would you get a stupid ass idea like that?" the Wizard snapped.
Unfazed, Frodo replied "Well, he's been acting a bit odd lately. I mean, stranger than usual."
"And you have a right to judge strange," Gandalf thought. Out loud he said, "So his mind must have finally cracked. It was bound to one of these days. I mean, one can only live with you so long that-"
"You mean the party-planning's stressing him out?"
Gandalf couldn't decide if this hobbit was as stupid as he made himself look. He squeezed his eyes shut in frustration, concentrating on a single sentence in his head: "I will be nice to Frodo, I will be nice to Frodo, I will be nice to Frodo, I will be nice to Frodo." It was all that was keeping him from throwing him off the cart.
"Oh yeah, the party! I hear it's gonna be huge."
"Yessiree, half the Shire's been invited, and the ones who haven't are showing up anyway."
"He's getting a D.J, right?"
"Yup."
"Who?"
"Pippin Took, I think."
"Oh no."
"Let me off here," Frodo said.
"With pleasure"
"Gandalf, I'm glad you're back"
"Wish I was."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Later that day:
Gandalf finally arrived at Bag End, ignored the No Admittance sign and banged on the door with his staff.
"Bug off!" came an irritable voice from somewhere inside. "You can't have any more money! I', so sick and tired of you people coming over here thinking that-"
"Shut up, Bilbo, you moron, it's me! We have a Frodo to get rid of, remember?"
"Oh it's you. Oops, sorry, coming…"
The round front door swung open a few moments later, revealing a short little hobbit with wild white hair.
"Yo, Gandalf, my man, what's up?" Bilbo said. He moved to hug the wizard, who stopped him with a raised hand.
"Don't'-touch-me," he said through clenched teeth, wondering of all hobbits were as annoying as Frodo.
"Er, sorry, okay, c'mon in!"
WHAM.
"OW! Goddammit!"
Gandalf had, and not for the first tome, smacked his head into the doorjamb." Why can't they make these stupid things any higher?"
"You gotta duck. Not my fault, dude."
"Whatever."
"I'll make you some tea, make you feel better."
"Whatever."
"I get some bottles from the old vineyard left. 1296, very good year. Almost as old as I am! It was laid down by my father. What say we open one, eh?"
Gandalf was tempted, but he had had previous experience with Bilbo and alcohol. He needed him sober now to discuss their plans for getting rid of Frodo.
"Nah, just tea."
"Okay."
Bilbo took off down the hall, and Gandalf tried to straighten up from his crouched position in the foyer.
CRASH.
"Dammit! Whoa, good thing he didn't have that chandelier lit."
He turned to go down the hall.
BONK.
"That does it!"
He stormed down the hall after Bilbo, in a rage, but managed to be perfectly silent at the same time. (He's a wizard, remember?) The hobbit had been chattering on about what other things were in his pantry that he could serve Gandalf as Gandalf himself was sneaking up behind him.
"…I can make you some eggs if you like-"
"JUST TEA, GODDAMMIT!"
"YAH! All right…"
So the tea was eventually served, Gandalf crammed up to the table with Bilbo puttering around the kitchen.
"So you mean to go through with your plan then?" Gandalf asked.
"Why should I chicken out now? What's to lose? I mean, the worst that can happen is that Frodo gets killed or lost or something along the way-"
"You mean the best."
"Hey, he can occasionally be useful. He built-" Bilbo nodded towards an odd-looking contraption in the corner of the room-"that. I'm not entirely sure what it does, but every morning since it's been there, I've had a nice warm breakfast. And second breakfast, too, some to think of it."
"Good grief. You're not thinking of keeping him are you?" exclaimed Gandalf, horrified.
"No, no, of course not. He's way more trouble than he's worth."
"Good."
Gandalf chugged down his tea, wiped his beard with the back of his hand and set his cup back down on the table with a clunk. "Ahhh, good tea."
"Thanks dude."
"So, let's go over the plan one more time." Gandalf said.
"Why?"
"To make sure you don't screw anything up."
"Oh."
"Okay, so after you finish making your birthday speech, you will do what?" Gandalf asked.
"I will put on the Ring Thing and vanish." Bilbo said
"Good. And then?"
"Make a dash for the house, grab my stuff, toss the Ring Thing on the mantle and take off for the Elves' place." Bilbo recited.
"Excellent. And then I'll be here when Frodo gets back, make a big fuss about you forgetting the Ring and make him go return it. With any luck, that Dark Lord guy'll send out his Black Rider dudes and they'll find the Ring on Frodo and be very upset."
"It's perfect!" Bilbo practically squealed. "What could possibly go wrong?"
"DAMMIT! DON"T SAY THAT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!!"
"VerysorryGandalf."
"You should be."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Later, at the party:
"Now this is a party!" Frodo shouted into Samwise Gamgee's ear over the pulsing music blasting from Pippin's DJ set. It was some form of hip-hop, but neither hobbit could tell what song it was, let alone which artist. The music was just too darn loud.
"I agree. Hey, Frodo, smile!" Sam yelled as he pointed his brand-new camera at Frodo, who struck a pose and grinned as it flashed. He blinked several times, still smiling like an idiot, trying to clear the dancing lights from in front of his eyes.
"Wow. Dude, that's really bright."
"Thanks. Wanna go talk to Pippin?" Sam said, gesturing toward the DJ set. The little hobbit was buried behind the amp, sound board and speakers, but his head could be seen bobbing up and down in time to the music, a gigantic pair of earphones nearly swallowing his skull.
"And admit we know him? I think not," Frodo said, aghast.
"Hey, I hang around you, don't I? I mean, you compared to Pippin, well, he may be slightly saner."
"Define sane," Frodo snapped indignantly.
Sam just grinned. An attractive young hobbit lass by the name of Rosie Cotton had just caught his eye. He hadn't heard a word he had said. Frodo noticed.
"Maybe you'd just like to go talk to Rosie, hmm?" he suggested in a sugary-sweet tone. Sam faltered.
"Nah, c'mon, let's go talk to Pippin…" Sam began to make his way through the mass of dancing hobbits towards the DJ set, in the opposite direction of Rosie.
"Oh, no you don't!"
Frodo grabbed his friend's shoulders, turned him around and gave him a shove in Rosie's direction. He didn't need any more persuading. Sam took her by the hand and they started dancing. Frodo laughed victoriously and glanced over in Pippin's direction.
Bilbo was over by the DJ set, both hands pressed to his ears and shouting something at Pippin, who didn't look up. Bilbo reached over and tapped him on the shoulder. Pippin glanced over, smiled and waved. Bilbo shouted again, but Frodo couldn't catch it. Apparently, neither could Pippin. He mouthed something that looked like "what?" Bilbo was beginning to look exasperated as he repeated himself. Pippin shouted again that he couldn't hear him.
Bilbo threw up his hands and crawled under the sound board. A few seconds later the music stopped abruptly with a loud and painful burst of feedback.
"That's better," Bilbo sighed, climbing back out. "Okay, time for my speech. Attention, my dear Bagginses and…" He was shouting to be heard over the chattering crowd. Pippin handed him the microphone that was sitting by the sound board, and Bilbo climbed up onto a convenient stack of barrels a little ways away.
"Thank-" SKAREEEEEEEEEEEEEECH! "-You Pippin. Starting over. My dear Bagginses and Boffins, Tooks, Grubbs, Chubbs, Proudfoots…" His voice trailed off, and he appeared to be counting on his fingers, muttering something. "I know I didn't invite the Brandybucks, but I know they're here. Bracegirdles…did they even show up? Yeah, I think they did. Oh well, anyway. Okay, my dear EVERYBODIES, today is my one hundred and elevev-ev-enth birthday!"
This statement was met with enthusiastic applause. "Alas," he continued, feeling like he was on a roll, "eleventy-one years is-" SKAREEEEEEEECH! "IIIIIII'm comin' up so you better get this party started…."
Pippin had fired up the music again, this time with Pink. The guests cheered appreciatively and went back to dancing. Frodo shrugged and began to make his way over to the DJ set to see if he couldn't re-wire it and give Bilbo more time to finish his speech. Bilbo was having similar thoughts, although his methods of "re-wiring" were decidedly different from Frodo's. They involved wire-cutters and a baseball bat. Fortunately, Frodo got there first, and, with his dexterous hobbit fingers, managed to reconnect a few wires (miraculously, without Pippin noticing) in such a was that the speakers would be connected directly to the mic and bypass the soundboard. Well, that was his intention, anyway. He got something backwards (but don't ask me how he did it) to cause the booming music to come out of the mic.
"MAKIN' MY CONNECTION AS I ENTER THE ROOM…."
Bilbo was nearly blasted off his feet, as he was still hanging onto the microphone.
"Oops," Frodo muttered, then hastily pulled a few plugs so the wires connected as he originally intended. The music died again to moans of disappointment from the crowd. Pippin desperately scanned his precious DJ set for some sign of what was wrong. He spotted Frodo lying on his back underneath the soundboard, severed wire in each hand, which were smoking slightly. Pippin shot him a look of pure venom, which Frodo returned with what he hoped was an innocent grin.
"Ah, thank you Frodo," said Bilbo as he realized that he had control of the mic once again. "As I was saying, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits. I don't like half of you half as well as I should know, and I like-no, wait that wasn't it. I like half of you as well as I shouldn't know-no, that wasn't it either. I don't like-oh, screw it. Okay dudes, that's outta the way. I-I, um, have things to do. I regret to announce-Hey, Merry, Pippin, knock it off!"
He had spotted the two hobbits in the middle of the dance floor, holding his audience captive as they crowd-surfed across the mob. Sam was standing on the sidelines, delightedly snapping pictures of the action, which abruptly ended with Bilbo's shout. Merry and Pippin both crashed to the ground as their bearers dropped them.
"All righty. Gotta bug off. Stuff to do you know. Toodles!"
Bilbo vanished.
The crowd gasped in surprise. Frodo studied the pair of wires in his hands, checking to see if he'd done anything to the mic to cause Bilbo to spontaneously combust. Not immediately seeing anything amiss, he wandered out onto the dance floor to see if Merry and Pippin were okay. Very big mistake.
Pippin spotted him as he climbed up off the floor. He stormed over as Frodo desperately looked around for a good hiding place. Not seeing one, he turned to face the furious Took. He'd go down like a man-er, a hobbit.
"What's up with sabotaging the DJ, huh?" he demanded as he came level with Frodo. "Do you know how much that cost me? You'd better make it work again or I'll-"
Sorrynotimegottago," Frodo said quickly as he turned tail and beat feet back up to Bag End.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Now it's your turn! See that button down there? The one that says "go"? Click it and type something! Please, please please…I need reviews! Thank you for your cooperation!