Chapter 2 The Shadow of the Post

A/N: I'm very excited! I'd had chapter one up for only five minutes and I got a review! Thank you! I appreciate your advice. Yeah, it is a tad slow, but not to worry! It picks up as we go along. To Perfect-Princess: Best parody you've ever read? Really? I'm honored! Thank you so much! Enjoy chapter two!

Bilbo made his way back to Bag End after he disappeared by putting on the Ring. He was gloating inwardly as he ran, overjoyed that the plan had finally been put into motion and the first part had been pulled off so flawlessly. Now all he had to do was hurry up and leave before Frodo caught on and came looking for him.

He breezed through the door, pulled off the Ring with a gleeful chuckle then proceeded to pack. He moved into the living room, where Gandalf was waiting.

"What took you so damn long?" the wizard demanded impatiently. It was obvious he'd been waiting for a long time.

"Had, um, a little trouble with the DJ," Bilbo mumbled as he threw some last minute articles into his backpack. He didn't really feel like reliving that embarrassing episode for Gandalf right at the moment, so he made a great show of looking around to see if he'd forgotten anything.

"Where's the Ring at?" Gandalf asked.

`"On the mantelpiece, duh," Bilbo said distractedly. "Oh, hang on, here it is in my pocket."

"Well, put it up there and get the hell outta here!"

"Fine."

Bilbo set the golden band on the shelf above the fireplace and took off for the door. "See ya later, dude!" he called as it slammed shut.

Gandalf sat down on a stool in front of the fireplace with a sigh. Now came the hard part, at least for him. He had to stay at Bag end for a few days, allowing Bilbo a decent head start, then he'd "find" the Ring and make sure Frodo really headed out to give it back to Bilbo. Then he would enjoy the rest of his Frodo-free days.

The first glitch occurred a complete two seconds after these thoughts had run through Gandalf's mind.

"Biiiiiiiillllllllllboooooooooooo! Oh, Biiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllbbbooooooooooo! Save meeeeee! There's a mad Took after meeee!"

Frodo's call for help came not thirty seconds after Bilbo had taken off. Gandalf gasped in horror, then dashed to the front door and flung it open.

"Frodo! Get in here! NOW! He shouted, noticing the bushes alongside the walkway twitching slightly. To the wizard's profound relief, Frodo didn't notice. He was running too fast. He charged through the doorway, hit the polished wood floor of the foyer, spun out, and crashed into the opposite wall as Gandalf slammed the door, breathing almost as loudly as Frodo was.

"Fascinating," Frodo said between gasps. "The low friction level of this floor is astounding, especially at high velocity. Perhaps if I oiled my feet next time-"

"No. There will not be a next time. Go to bed. You've been having waaaaay too much fun tonight."

"Okay, but…Hold on, do you know what happened to Bilbo? He just kinda vanished at the party and-"

"Yes, Frodo, I know. He's gone to stay with the Elves." Gandalf was trying his level best to be patient with Frodo. The plan depended on it.

"Where do the Elves live?" Frodo inquired. "I've always wanted to-"

"Bree," Gandalf said, cutting him off. "That's where the Elves live. Now, no more questions. Good night."

Gandalf knew full well that the Elves did not live in Bree, but he couldn't risk Frodo trying to track his cousin down at this time, not while he was still trying to make his desperate escape after that first close call.

"Okay, good night." Frodo said as he headed down the hall to his room. Then he paused and came back, remembering something he needed to tell Gandalf.

"Oh yeah, if any deranged Tooks come to the door, don't let them in, okay?"

"Frodo, I couldn't let any un-deranged Tooks in the house this time of night. Go to sleep."

"Okay Gandalf. Nighy-night!" Frodo said in the most sickening sugary-sweet voice he was capable of.

The wizard glanced around for any possible suicide weapons. Unfortunately for Gandalf, Frodo had removed them long ago for Bilbo's sake. That, and he needed some for the construction of his breakfast-making machine. Giving up, Gandalf plopped down into an undersized armchair and closed his eyes, meditating on two phrases:

I will be nice to Frodo. Just three more days…He soon dozed off.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

He woke up the next morning free of suicidal urges. The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was a heaping plate of scrambled eggs and bacon sitting on the stool in front of him, courtesy of Frodo's breakfast-making machine. There was also a note from Frodo saying that he'd left early to clean up the party site, so now all Gandalf had to complain about that the crick in his neck from having his head flopped over the back of the chair all night. Needless to say, he was in a considerably better mood than he had been the previous evening.

He was just sitting down to breakfast when the doorbell rang. He prayed it wasn't Frodo back already as he made his way to the front.

He needn't have worried. It was just the mailman.

"Postcard for a Gandalf the Grey," he said, brandishing a card that featured a picture of Orthanc Tower on the front of it.

"That's me," Gandalf said as he took it. "Thanks."

He was wondering who knew he was here as he turned it over. It read:

Dear Wizard,

I am pleased to announce that the entire wizard order is holding its fiftieth thousand-year anniversary this coming Sunday at Orthanc Tower, Isengard. Please come! (Or else) Love, Saruman.

Gandalf was dumbstruck. Saruman? He hadn't seen him for (literally) ages. They'd been fairly good buddies way back when, but they'd lost touch over the centuries, as is often the way with long-distance relationships of this sort. He was elated; the timing worked perfectly. Today was Wednesday, so by Friday Bilbo would probably far enough ahead to safely let Frodo go, then Gandalf could start for Isengard.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wednesday and Thursday passed without further incident, apart form a few small explosions from Frodo's room that didn't seem to be of any consequence. The first time, Gandalf ran into his room in a panic, thinking that Frodo was trying to blow the house up or something. The hobbit calmly tried to wipe the soot off his face and singed hair as he explained that he was trying out a potion from one of the books he was reading, but something hadn't worked right. Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets was lying open on his bed, stained with some nameless substance and one corner was on fire. After that, Gandalf just left him alone, preferring that he didn't know. The wizard was quite relieved when Friday came around.

"Frodo! Come quick!"

"What? What happened?" Frodo asked urgently as he ran into the parlor.

"Bilbo forgot his Ring! He'll be quite upset! I'm surprised he hasn't some back for it already!"

"I'll take it to him! Where did you say he was staying?"

Hook, line and sinker, Gandalf thought, gloating.

"Bree," he said, trying to hide a triumphant smirk. "He's staying at the Prancing Pony."

"On my way!"

Frodo grabbed a spare pack, threw some extra clothes in it and ran for the door.

"Stop!" Gandalf shouted as Frodo yanked the door open. "You forget the Ring!"

"Oh…right."

Gandalf tossed the Ring to Frodo, who caught it easily and was just about to step through the door when a rustling noise came from under the front window.

"Stop! Wait a sec!"

The wizard was sneaking up on the window, brandishing his staff like some kind of weapon. Frodo tensed, wondering what was going on. He didn't have to wait long. Gandalf struck.

"OW! yelled a voice from underneath the window. Gandalf reached down and grabbed something and yanked it in through the window. That something turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. A very surprised Samwise Gamgee.

"Dammit, Sam, are you eavesdropping?"

"I haven't been dropping no eaves, sir, honest. I was just trimming the grass under the window there, if you follow me."

"Sam? Sam, dear, what happened? Where'd you go?" came a young female's voice from under the window, which sounded much like Rosie Cotton's.

"Uh-huh," said Gandalf, trying very hard not to laugh. "Trimming the grass, riiiiiiiight. Well, I don't think you heard anything. You seemed sufficiently distracted."

Frodo doubled up with giggles.

"Uh, that's right! I was. I mean, no! I wasn't. I was just…not with Rosie. Only Rosie wasn't there. I mean…I was just trimming the grass! Okay, I was eavesdropping! But I wasn't…I didn't…I…. swear…" Sam's stuttering trailed off as he noticed that Gandalf had leveled his staff at his head. He managed to squeak out a rather pathetic "oh dear," before falling silent.

"No? Well, I've thought of a better use for you," Gandalf said, diabolical grin crossing his face.

So that's how Frodo and Sam set off together for Bree. When they were safely out of sight, Gandalf got on his horse and galloped off to Isengard, very excited about the wizard reunion and seeing all his old buddies again. The adventure had officially begun.

I apologize for the short length of this chapter! Next one's gonna introduce my overly-sensitive Nazgul! Yippee! Review please! Thank youverymuch!