Title: How not to be a Doctor: Re-Appointment
Feedback to: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Archive: Heliopolis, Gateworld, Fanfiction.net
Details: SG-1/Scrubs crossover. Humour. If you like the Black Eyed Peas, I apologise.
Summary: As promised, they're back - and SG-1 are more scared than ever.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
You all know that Scrubs isn't mine, so don't even try to sue me for it. Same goes for the Black Eyed Peas. I have nothing to do with them.
~ How not to be a Doctor: Re-Appointment ~
Copyright © 2004 Ruth
**********
Sam and Janet sat in the infirmary, drinking coffee and talking about the day that had just passed. The main piece of gossip that was circulating the SGC at that moment was that Teal'c was 'getting it on' with a lieutenant from SG-18. They were discussing how likely this was when they heard some footsteps heading towards the office. Or rather, bounding towards the office.
"Hi! Ohmygodit'ssogoodtobeback!" Said the voice shrilly.
Sam and Janet looked at each other with a mixture of disbelief and horror.
"Uh…hi, Doctor Elliot." Sam offered, forcing a smile.
"Wow!Areyouhavingagossipsession?Ooh!CanIjoinin?" She giggled, pulling up a chair and sitting between Sam and Janet.
"Sure," Janet smiled.
Outside, Daniel was walking along the corridor to see Jack. He entered the elevator, acknowledging the man next to him with a nod. He pressed the button for the commissary and waited, whistling cheerfully.
"What have you got to be so happy about?" The man asked him.
Daniel frowned, and turned to look at the man in the elevator with him. When he realised who it was, he let out a shriek and crashed back into the wall.
"Hey, Danielle. My litter-dropping friend! Well, I have to be here tonight, instead of being at my son's class play!"
"Oh," Daniel said, keeping his distance from the Janitor, "I'm sorry."
"The Jungle Book!" He sniffed, "And you're not sorry. You think just because your uniform says 'doctor' and mine says 'janitor' that you're better than me, don't you?"
"No." Daniel replied shortly, wondering why the elevator was taking so damned long.
**********
Teal'c sat quietly in his room, concentrating on his Kelno'reem. He was enjoying the peace, watching the flickering of the candles he had placed around himself, when it was shattered by a voice he was all too familiar with.
"Hey! T man! Buddy!"
Teal'c's eyebrow nearly hit the roof. He ran over to his door, and only just locked it in time.
"Uh…T Man - your door is locked!" Turk laughed, "Would you mind opening it?"
"Indeed I would!" Teal'c replied, fear rippling through him.
"Come on, dude!" Turk insisted, "Don't make me show the door some love!"
Teal'c shuddered, and once more made for the sanctuary that was hidden beneath his bed. He stuffed a pillow over his head and waited for Turk to go away.
**********
Jack whistled as he strolled along towards the infirmary - he could already see Janet and Sam having their coffee chat. It amused him to think of them doing this - like a pair of housewives. He frowned in confusion as he saw Sam violently shaking her head at him, mouthing: 'Go Away.'
He smirked. Oh, now he was going to have to go in to find out what she was so embarrassed about. If it annoyed Carter, he would do it. Happily, he strode up to the infirmary door, threw it open and looked into the room before him.
"Ohmygod! Jackitssogoodtoseeyou! I'mstillinlovewithyou! Comeheresexy!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" Jack screamed, turning on his heel and running out of the infirmary, with Elliot close on his heels. Sam and Janet were torn somewhere between laughter and tears as they watched Jack sprinting for his life.
"I've got to get back to my lab," Sam said, "Keep an eye out for JD and Dr Cox, would you? The last thing I need is to run into them again."
"Sure thing," Janet smiled, "And be careful out there, honey. Those people are crazy."
"You too," Sam said, and left.
**********
"Lauren, honey, there really is absolutely no point in you doing this, as I - being of a much more attractive and intelligent species, have one thousand chances greater than you of making it with Sam." Dr Cox boasted, as they went into Sam's lab.
"Okay, stop with the girls' names," JD protested, "And who says she'll go for you? Maybe she doesn't like fossil hunting!"
Oh Yes! JD thought, one up to me! He went into another of his dream states, where Sam walked in, swept him off of his feet and carried him into the storage cupboard. Dr Cox brought him abruptly out of it with a slap.
"Listen, Hazel darling, at least I know a condom when I see one. Not forgetting your incident a couple of days ago, are we?" Cox sneered.
"I…It looked like an aspirin!" JD protested, "Anyone could have made the same mistake!"
"Whatever, sweet cheeks," Cox said, laying a bouquet of red roses on Sam's desk, "Let's see whether stupidity triumphs over grandeur tonight, shall we?"
With that, he swept calmly out of the room, stopping only for a brief moment when his coat got caught in the door, hoping that JD didn't see it.
"We'll see whether charm triumphs over pig-headedness tonight," JD smiled, placing his box of chocolates on the table, "Oh, Sam! You have to be mine!"
In his dream, he walked into Sam's office to find her sitting on the desk, waiting for him. Dr Cox had been stuffed headfirst in the bin, his feet waving about all over the place. JD smirked, and looked back at Sam.
"What are you doing in my lab?" She purred, drawing him closer.
"I…" JD stammered, his mouth twisting into a smile.
"What are you doing in my lab?" Sam repeated, much more harshly this time. JD did not answer her, and began to drool.
"Oh, holy Hannah!" She groaned in disgust, "JD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
That snapped him out of his dream.
"Oh! Hi, Major Carter, I…"
At that moment, Dr Cox came running back into her lab, careening into JD and knocking him into the bin.
"Hello, Sam," he smiled, "Long time no see, huh?"
"Yeah," she agreed, pulling JD out of the bin as carefully as she could, "And I was just starting to feel safe again."
Dr Cox laughed a loud and extremely fake laugh. JD sneered at him. Sam rolled her eyes.
"Can I help you gentlemen?" She asked, knowing what their response would be.
**********
"Jackwhyareyouhidingfromme?" Elliot giggled, pounding on the door of the men's toilets. Colonel Makepeace gave her a funny look, and entered the toilets to find Jack hiding in a cubicle, crying.
"Jeez, Colonel!" Makepeace smirked, "How'd you get landed with that?"
"Robert, please God! You have got to help me!" Jack begged, grabbing hold of Makepeace's boot.
"Argh! Get off of my foot, you gibbering fool!" Makepeace snarled, kicking at Jack until he let go. "How can I possibly help you?"
"I…I don't know, create a distraction! Tell her I've gone somewhere else, anything! Just get me out of here!" He said shrilly.
"Okay, okay, calm down!" Makepeace said, going outside to where Elliot was still waiting…but her clothes were not.
"Jeepers!" Makepeace exclaimed.
"IsColonelOneillstillinthere?" Elliot asked, smiling innocently.
"I…uh…well…No! No, he went to the commissary!" Makepeace said.
"Oh,thanks!" Elliot grinned, and went running off down the corridor.
"Coast is clear, O'Neill!" Makepeace said, opening the toilet door, "I'd run and hide somewhere if I were you, and stay there for a very long time."
"Thanks, Robert, I owe you one," Jack said, exiting the toilet.
"Yeah, you do," Robert agreed, and left for his office, decidedly amused.
**********
When Daniel finally felt the elevator shudder to a stop he couldn't get out of it quick enough.
"You just remember that!" The janitor shouted after him.
Daniel turned around to see the janitor giving him the finger as the doors closed. He breathed a sigh of relief, and turned around only to be bowled over by a very naked Elliot.
"Oh My God!" Daniel exclaimed.
"HiDaniel! Iwasjustlookingforjack,haveyouseenhim?"
"No," Daniel said, adding a small, "Sorry."
"Noproblem," she giggled, "I'lljustkeeplooking!"
Daniel groaned, and tried to get up from the floor. He failed, and just laid there for a while, until he heard a voice, and a hand tried to help him up.
"Doctor Jackson?"
It was Carla, the only sane member of the Sacred Heart Hospital staff.
"Hey," he said weakly, "I just…Elliot ran into me. She's gone on the rampage again."
"I know," Carla smiled, "And your scientist friend is stuck in her lab with JD and Dr Cox. Turk has been pounding on Teal'c's door for three hours now. I am sorry for the way that they behave. It's…well, it's not really any different to the way they behave normally."
"Well, that's…encouraging," Daniel said. "In a kind of…un-encouraging way."
"Come on," Carla said, "Let's go rescue Teal'c."
**********
"Turk, will you please desist?" Teal'c pleaded, "I will give you money, anything, just abandon me in solitary existence!"
"But I want to see your candle collection!" He chirped, "I know! I'm gonna call you Lord of the Flame!"
"Good for you," Teal'c replied hotly, "Now please leave!"
"Nah, I can't leave! There's no surgery that needs doing, and Doctor Fraiser told me to go and get lost, so you're my only friend!"
"I am not your friend," Teal'c snarled, "And I will not grant you entrance to my chamber. Leave."
"Hey, I brought along a CD you might like!" Turk said cheerily, still having not got the message.
Teal'c groaned as the song 'Shut up' by the Black Eyed Peas began to boom through the walls of his room.
"Shut up, just shut up, shut up. Shut up, just shut up, shut up."
"AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!" Teal'c shouted, "Have you not thought that there is a hidden message in this song for you, Turk?"
"Hmm…" Turk said, thinking hard, "YES! It's telling me to talk more! Wow, I'm glad I got that cleared up!"
"May the Lord of the Tau'ri give me strength," Teal'c said, with a shudder.
**********
"Would you go to dinner with me?"
"Would you go to dinner with me?"
Sam put her head in her hands, as a fight broke out between JD and Doctor Cox.
"Dammit, Angie, why must you continue to embarrass yourself by asking out a woman who is way above your level?" Dr Cox asked, giving JD a small shove.
"Stop calling me girl's names!" JD squeaked, shoving him back.
"STOP IT, THE PAIR OF YOU!" Sam shouted, "Now, I will talk to you one at a time! Ok? One at a time! JD, you're first. Doctor, please leave."
"But…" Dr Cox protested, not enjoying the smug look on JD's face.
"Go! Please - I'll speak to you next," Sam reassured him, "Don't worry."
Giving JD a final shove for good measure, Dr Cox left the lab.
"JD," Sam smiled, "I would very much like to go to dinner with you - but can I call you later to arrange the details?"
"Sure!" JD almost squealed with excitement, "Here's my number!" He scribbled it down on a highly important piece of paperwork that made Sam cringe, and bounded out of the room. Dr Cox entered, and closed the door behind him.
"Doctor Cox," she smiled, "I would very much like to go to dinner with you - but can I call you later to arrange the details?"
"Yes, ma'am," Dr Cox smirked, "Here's my number!" He picked up the second piece of highly important paperwork and wrote his number on it, not noticing Sam flinch as she thought of how long it would take her to type out another copy.
"I'll see you later," she promised, and sighed with relief as he left the room.
**********
Jack sighed in relief as he ran into the infirmary, to find that only Janet was there.
"Colonel? Are you okay?" She asked, concerned that he was out of breath and looked terrified.
"Elliot…" he panted, "Is chasing me…and she's wearing no clothes."
"Oh my God!" Janet exclaimed.
"You're telling me!" Jack laughed fearfully, looking over one shoulder, and then the other. "Would you do me a hugely massive favour and tell Elliot that I've left the mountain if you see her?"
"Whydon'tyoutellmeyourself?" She said, followed by a high-pitched giggle.
"Oh…Elliot…I…" Jack stammered, backing away to stand behind Janet only to find that she had already fled.
"Whereareyougoing? CanIcometoo?" She asked, advancing on him.
"Uh…no - Elliot, it might be nice for you to put some clothes on." Jack suggested.
"Why? Don'tyoulikemybody?" She asked, still pushing him closer to the wall. He felt like a mammoth being stalked by a tiger.
"Yes," he said carefully, "But I like it better with clothes on."
"Really?" She squeaked, "Justgivemeaminuteandi'llputsomethingon!"
Jack took that moment when Elliot went to change, and ran for his life. Having just told her that he liked her body, he was undoubtedly doomed. Just as he was running down the corridor, he ran into Sam, who was running the opposite way.
"Carter!"
"Colonel!"
"Who are you running from?" he asked, nervously looking over his shoulder.
"JD and Dr Cox. You?" she asked, also looking behind her.
"Elliot," Jack said grimly, "Is there somewhere that we can hide?"
"Well…it'd be a bit tight, but…no, we can't." Sam mumbled.
"Oh,Jack!" came a shrill voice. Jack's hand clenched Sam's arm.
"Wherever it was, take me there NOW!" He said, in a harsh whisper.
"Okay, but don't shout at me later," Sam warned, pulling him across the corridor and shoving him and herself into the stationary cupboard.
The two of them remained deathly quiet as they heard Elliot making her way down the corridor.
"Oh, Jack? Jackwhereareyou? I'mwearingsomethingnice! Likeyousaidyouliked!"
Sam looked at Jack and smirked. He gave her a look that would have reduced a lesser man to tears, but she had to stuff her fist into her mouth to keep from laughing.
"Jack! Oh, Oh! Dr Cox! HaveyouseenJack?" She asked. Sam felt herself begin to blush, and this time it was Jack who smirked.
"Barbie, why don't you leave the poor man alone? His IQ can barely be above 40 as it is, but you would probably reduce it even further. Besides, have you seen Major Carter?"
"No," Elliot frowned, "WhywouldIhaveseenher?"
"She and I are going out to dinner later," he said, loud enough for Jack to hear, "I wanted to finalise the arrangements with her."
Jack looked at Sam, wide-eyed in disbelief. She shrugged innocently.
"Whyareyouseeingher?" Elliot demanded, "She'smilitary,too. She'scompletelyfrigid, don'tyouknowthat?"
Sam bit back a gasp, and Jack smirked, trying hard not to laugh.
"Barbie, sweetheart, just because she doesn't go leaping into bed with every Tom, Dick and Air Force person doesn't make her frigid - it means she has standards. You could do with taking a leaf out of her book."
With that, Dr Cox strode away, still confident that his dinner meeting with Sam that night would be the best evening he had ever spent. He'd be able to rub it in JD's face the next day.
Finally, when Elliot had left the corridor, Sam and Jack escaped from the cupboard and into her office. Sam went into her bag to get her phone, but Jack was starting a tirade.
"What's this about you going to dinner with Dr Cock?" He shouted.
"It's Cox," she corrected, "And would you shut up a minute?"
Jack watched as she dialled a phone number he didn't recognise and waited.
"Hello? Dr Cox, it's Sam. I'll be at O'Malley's tonight, at about 8. I'll see you there."
"You can't go to O'Malley's!" Jack protested, "That's SG-1's place!"
"Like I said," she smiled, "Shut up for a minute and all will become clear."
She dialled another number and waited. Jack began to tap his foot impatiently.
"Hello? JD, it's Sam. I'll be at O'Malley's tonight, at about 8. I'll see you there."
"You can't go there with both of them!" Jack shouted, "I…I won't allow it!"
Sam smiled, and Jack saw an evil twinkle in her eye that was reminiscent of her father's.
"I'm not going to O'Malley's tonight," she grinned.
Jack finally understood, and gave his 2IC a slap on the back that was so hard she nearly fell over.
"Brilliant, Carter - I never knew you had it in you."
**********
Teal'c was finally rescued from the impending doom of Turk's CD collection later that afternoon, when Carla dragged him away.
**********
Daniel took great care not to meet the janitor again, and as far as we know, said janitor never did get to see his kid in 'The Jungle Book.'
**********
Jack fortunately evaded Elliot for the rest of the day, but just to be sure he left the SGC with a paper bag on his head.
**********
And as for JD and Dr Cox? They both turned up at O'Malley's to find that Sam wasn't there. A brawl ensued, and they were thrown out. As far as we know, they are still planning on asking her out again.
**********
THE END
Author Notes: This was quite popular the first time round, so I decided to write a sequel. What do you think? Please send feedback to jm-webmistress@fsmail.net
Feedback to: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Archive: Heliopolis, Gateworld, Fanfiction.net
Details: SG-1/Scrubs crossover. Humour. If you like the Black Eyed Peas, I apologise.
Summary: As promised, they're back - and SG-1 are more scared than ever.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
You all know that Scrubs isn't mine, so don't even try to sue me for it. Same goes for the Black Eyed Peas. I have nothing to do with them.
~ How not to be a Doctor: Re-Appointment ~
Copyright © 2004 Ruth
**********
Sam and Janet sat in the infirmary, drinking coffee and talking about the day that had just passed. The main piece of gossip that was circulating the SGC at that moment was that Teal'c was 'getting it on' with a lieutenant from SG-18. They were discussing how likely this was when they heard some footsteps heading towards the office. Or rather, bounding towards the office.
"Hi! Ohmygodit'ssogoodtobeback!" Said the voice shrilly.
Sam and Janet looked at each other with a mixture of disbelief and horror.
"Uh…hi, Doctor Elliot." Sam offered, forcing a smile.
"Wow!Areyouhavingagossipsession?Ooh!CanIjoinin?" She giggled, pulling up a chair and sitting between Sam and Janet.
"Sure," Janet smiled.
Outside, Daniel was walking along the corridor to see Jack. He entered the elevator, acknowledging the man next to him with a nod. He pressed the button for the commissary and waited, whistling cheerfully.
"What have you got to be so happy about?" The man asked him.
Daniel frowned, and turned to look at the man in the elevator with him. When he realised who it was, he let out a shriek and crashed back into the wall.
"Hey, Danielle. My litter-dropping friend! Well, I have to be here tonight, instead of being at my son's class play!"
"Oh," Daniel said, keeping his distance from the Janitor, "I'm sorry."
"The Jungle Book!" He sniffed, "And you're not sorry. You think just because your uniform says 'doctor' and mine says 'janitor' that you're better than me, don't you?"
"No." Daniel replied shortly, wondering why the elevator was taking so damned long.
**********
Teal'c sat quietly in his room, concentrating on his Kelno'reem. He was enjoying the peace, watching the flickering of the candles he had placed around himself, when it was shattered by a voice he was all too familiar with.
"Hey! T man! Buddy!"
Teal'c's eyebrow nearly hit the roof. He ran over to his door, and only just locked it in time.
"Uh…T Man - your door is locked!" Turk laughed, "Would you mind opening it?"
"Indeed I would!" Teal'c replied, fear rippling through him.
"Come on, dude!" Turk insisted, "Don't make me show the door some love!"
Teal'c shuddered, and once more made for the sanctuary that was hidden beneath his bed. He stuffed a pillow over his head and waited for Turk to go away.
**********
Jack whistled as he strolled along towards the infirmary - he could already see Janet and Sam having their coffee chat. It amused him to think of them doing this - like a pair of housewives. He frowned in confusion as he saw Sam violently shaking her head at him, mouthing: 'Go Away.'
He smirked. Oh, now he was going to have to go in to find out what she was so embarrassed about. If it annoyed Carter, he would do it. Happily, he strode up to the infirmary door, threw it open and looked into the room before him.
"Ohmygod! Jackitssogoodtoseeyou! I'mstillinlovewithyou! Comeheresexy!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" Jack screamed, turning on his heel and running out of the infirmary, with Elliot close on his heels. Sam and Janet were torn somewhere between laughter and tears as they watched Jack sprinting for his life.
"I've got to get back to my lab," Sam said, "Keep an eye out for JD and Dr Cox, would you? The last thing I need is to run into them again."
"Sure thing," Janet smiled, "And be careful out there, honey. Those people are crazy."
"You too," Sam said, and left.
**********
"Lauren, honey, there really is absolutely no point in you doing this, as I - being of a much more attractive and intelligent species, have one thousand chances greater than you of making it with Sam." Dr Cox boasted, as they went into Sam's lab.
"Okay, stop with the girls' names," JD protested, "And who says she'll go for you? Maybe she doesn't like fossil hunting!"
Oh Yes! JD thought, one up to me! He went into another of his dream states, where Sam walked in, swept him off of his feet and carried him into the storage cupboard. Dr Cox brought him abruptly out of it with a slap.
"Listen, Hazel darling, at least I know a condom when I see one. Not forgetting your incident a couple of days ago, are we?" Cox sneered.
"I…It looked like an aspirin!" JD protested, "Anyone could have made the same mistake!"
"Whatever, sweet cheeks," Cox said, laying a bouquet of red roses on Sam's desk, "Let's see whether stupidity triumphs over grandeur tonight, shall we?"
With that, he swept calmly out of the room, stopping only for a brief moment when his coat got caught in the door, hoping that JD didn't see it.
"We'll see whether charm triumphs over pig-headedness tonight," JD smiled, placing his box of chocolates on the table, "Oh, Sam! You have to be mine!"
In his dream, he walked into Sam's office to find her sitting on the desk, waiting for him. Dr Cox had been stuffed headfirst in the bin, his feet waving about all over the place. JD smirked, and looked back at Sam.
"What are you doing in my lab?" She purred, drawing him closer.
"I…" JD stammered, his mouth twisting into a smile.
"What are you doing in my lab?" Sam repeated, much more harshly this time. JD did not answer her, and began to drool.
"Oh, holy Hannah!" She groaned in disgust, "JD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
That snapped him out of his dream.
"Oh! Hi, Major Carter, I…"
At that moment, Dr Cox came running back into her lab, careening into JD and knocking him into the bin.
"Hello, Sam," he smiled, "Long time no see, huh?"
"Yeah," she agreed, pulling JD out of the bin as carefully as she could, "And I was just starting to feel safe again."
Dr Cox laughed a loud and extremely fake laugh. JD sneered at him. Sam rolled her eyes.
"Can I help you gentlemen?" She asked, knowing what their response would be.
**********
"Jackwhyareyouhidingfromme?" Elliot giggled, pounding on the door of the men's toilets. Colonel Makepeace gave her a funny look, and entered the toilets to find Jack hiding in a cubicle, crying.
"Jeez, Colonel!" Makepeace smirked, "How'd you get landed with that?"
"Robert, please God! You have got to help me!" Jack begged, grabbing hold of Makepeace's boot.
"Argh! Get off of my foot, you gibbering fool!" Makepeace snarled, kicking at Jack until he let go. "How can I possibly help you?"
"I…I don't know, create a distraction! Tell her I've gone somewhere else, anything! Just get me out of here!" He said shrilly.
"Okay, okay, calm down!" Makepeace said, going outside to where Elliot was still waiting…but her clothes were not.
"Jeepers!" Makepeace exclaimed.
"IsColonelOneillstillinthere?" Elliot asked, smiling innocently.
"I…uh…well…No! No, he went to the commissary!" Makepeace said.
"Oh,thanks!" Elliot grinned, and went running off down the corridor.
"Coast is clear, O'Neill!" Makepeace said, opening the toilet door, "I'd run and hide somewhere if I were you, and stay there for a very long time."
"Thanks, Robert, I owe you one," Jack said, exiting the toilet.
"Yeah, you do," Robert agreed, and left for his office, decidedly amused.
**********
When Daniel finally felt the elevator shudder to a stop he couldn't get out of it quick enough.
"You just remember that!" The janitor shouted after him.
Daniel turned around to see the janitor giving him the finger as the doors closed. He breathed a sigh of relief, and turned around only to be bowled over by a very naked Elliot.
"Oh My God!" Daniel exclaimed.
"HiDaniel! Iwasjustlookingforjack,haveyouseenhim?"
"No," Daniel said, adding a small, "Sorry."
"Noproblem," she giggled, "I'lljustkeeplooking!"
Daniel groaned, and tried to get up from the floor. He failed, and just laid there for a while, until he heard a voice, and a hand tried to help him up.
"Doctor Jackson?"
It was Carla, the only sane member of the Sacred Heart Hospital staff.
"Hey," he said weakly, "I just…Elliot ran into me. She's gone on the rampage again."
"I know," Carla smiled, "And your scientist friend is stuck in her lab with JD and Dr Cox. Turk has been pounding on Teal'c's door for three hours now. I am sorry for the way that they behave. It's…well, it's not really any different to the way they behave normally."
"Well, that's…encouraging," Daniel said. "In a kind of…un-encouraging way."
"Come on," Carla said, "Let's go rescue Teal'c."
**********
"Turk, will you please desist?" Teal'c pleaded, "I will give you money, anything, just abandon me in solitary existence!"
"But I want to see your candle collection!" He chirped, "I know! I'm gonna call you Lord of the Flame!"
"Good for you," Teal'c replied hotly, "Now please leave!"
"Nah, I can't leave! There's no surgery that needs doing, and Doctor Fraiser told me to go and get lost, so you're my only friend!"
"I am not your friend," Teal'c snarled, "And I will not grant you entrance to my chamber. Leave."
"Hey, I brought along a CD you might like!" Turk said cheerily, still having not got the message.
Teal'c groaned as the song 'Shut up' by the Black Eyed Peas began to boom through the walls of his room.
"Shut up, just shut up, shut up. Shut up, just shut up, shut up."
"AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!" Teal'c shouted, "Have you not thought that there is a hidden message in this song for you, Turk?"
"Hmm…" Turk said, thinking hard, "YES! It's telling me to talk more! Wow, I'm glad I got that cleared up!"
"May the Lord of the Tau'ri give me strength," Teal'c said, with a shudder.
**********
"Would you go to dinner with me?"
"Would you go to dinner with me?"
Sam put her head in her hands, as a fight broke out between JD and Doctor Cox.
"Dammit, Angie, why must you continue to embarrass yourself by asking out a woman who is way above your level?" Dr Cox asked, giving JD a small shove.
"Stop calling me girl's names!" JD squeaked, shoving him back.
"STOP IT, THE PAIR OF YOU!" Sam shouted, "Now, I will talk to you one at a time! Ok? One at a time! JD, you're first. Doctor, please leave."
"But…" Dr Cox protested, not enjoying the smug look on JD's face.
"Go! Please - I'll speak to you next," Sam reassured him, "Don't worry."
Giving JD a final shove for good measure, Dr Cox left the lab.
"JD," Sam smiled, "I would very much like to go to dinner with you - but can I call you later to arrange the details?"
"Sure!" JD almost squealed with excitement, "Here's my number!" He scribbled it down on a highly important piece of paperwork that made Sam cringe, and bounded out of the room. Dr Cox entered, and closed the door behind him.
"Doctor Cox," she smiled, "I would very much like to go to dinner with you - but can I call you later to arrange the details?"
"Yes, ma'am," Dr Cox smirked, "Here's my number!" He picked up the second piece of highly important paperwork and wrote his number on it, not noticing Sam flinch as she thought of how long it would take her to type out another copy.
"I'll see you later," she promised, and sighed with relief as he left the room.
**********
Jack sighed in relief as he ran into the infirmary, to find that only Janet was there.
"Colonel? Are you okay?" She asked, concerned that he was out of breath and looked terrified.
"Elliot…" he panted, "Is chasing me…and she's wearing no clothes."
"Oh my God!" Janet exclaimed.
"You're telling me!" Jack laughed fearfully, looking over one shoulder, and then the other. "Would you do me a hugely massive favour and tell Elliot that I've left the mountain if you see her?"
"Whydon'tyoutellmeyourself?" She said, followed by a high-pitched giggle.
"Oh…Elliot…I…" Jack stammered, backing away to stand behind Janet only to find that she had already fled.
"Whereareyougoing? CanIcometoo?" She asked, advancing on him.
"Uh…no - Elliot, it might be nice for you to put some clothes on." Jack suggested.
"Why? Don'tyoulikemybody?" She asked, still pushing him closer to the wall. He felt like a mammoth being stalked by a tiger.
"Yes," he said carefully, "But I like it better with clothes on."
"Really?" She squeaked, "Justgivemeaminuteandi'llputsomethingon!"
Jack took that moment when Elliot went to change, and ran for his life. Having just told her that he liked her body, he was undoubtedly doomed. Just as he was running down the corridor, he ran into Sam, who was running the opposite way.
"Carter!"
"Colonel!"
"Who are you running from?" he asked, nervously looking over his shoulder.
"JD and Dr Cox. You?" she asked, also looking behind her.
"Elliot," Jack said grimly, "Is there somewhere that we can hide?"
"Well…it'd be a bit tight, but…no, we can't." Sam mumbled.
"Oh,Jack!" came a shrill voice. Jack's hand clenched Sam's arm.
"Wherever it was, take me there NOW!" He said, in a harsh whisper.
"Okay, but don't shout at me later," Sam warned, pulling him across the corridor and shoving him and herself into the stationary cupboard.
The two of them remained deathly quiet as they heard Elliot making her way down the corridor.
"Oh, Jack? Jackwhereareyou? I'mwearingsomethingnice! Likeyousaidyouliked!"
Sam looked at Jack and smirked. He gave her a look that would have reduced a lesser man to tears, but she had to stuff her fist into her mouth to keep from laughing.
"Jack! Oh, Oh! Dr Cox! HaveyouseenJack?" She asked. Sam felt herself begin to blush, and this time it was Jack who smirked.
"Barbie, why don't you leave the poor man alone? His IQ can barely be above 40 as it is, but you would probably reduce it even further. Besides, have you seen Major Carter?"
"No," Elliot frowned, "WhywouldIhaveseenher?"
"She and I are going out to dinner later," he said, loud enough for Jack to hear, "I wanted to finalise the arrangements with her."
Jack looked at Sam, wide-eyed in disbelief. She shrugged innocently.
"Whyareyouseeingher?" Elliot demanded, "She'smilitary,too. She'scompletelyfrigid, don'tyouknowthat?"
Sam bit back a gasp, and Jack smirked, trying hard not to laugh.
"Barbie, sweetheart, just because she doesn't go leaping into bed with every Tom, Dick and Air Force person doesn't make her frigid - it means she has standards. You could do with taking a leaf out of her book."
With that, Dr Cox strode away, still confident that his dinner meeting with Sam that night would be the best evening he had ever spent. He'd be able to rub it in JD's face the next day.
Finally, when Elliot had left the corridor, Sam and Jack escaped from the cupboard and into her office. Sam went into her bag to get her phone, but Jack was starting a tirade.
"What's this about you going to dinner with Dr Cock?" He shouted.
"It's Cox," she corrected, "And would you shut up a minute?"
Jack watched as she dialled a phone number he didn't recognise and waited.
"Hello? Dr Cox, it's Sam. I'll be at O'Malley's tonight, at about 8. I'll see you there."
"You can't go to O'Malley's!" Jack protested, "That's SG-1's place!"
"Like I said," she smiled, "Shut up for a minute and all will become clear."
She dialled another number and waited. Jack began to tap his foot impatiently.
"Hello? JD, it's Sam. I'll be at O'Malley's tonight, at about 8. I'll see you there."
"You can't go there with both of them!" Jack shouted, "I…I won't allow it!"
Sam smiled, and Jack saw an evil twinkle in her eye that was reminiscent of her father's.
"I'm not going to O'Malley's tonight," she grinned.
Jack finally understood, and gave his 2IC a slap on the back that was so hard she nearly fell over.
"Brilliant, Carter - I never knew you had it in you."
**********
Teal'c was finally rescued from the impending doom of Turk's CD collection later that afternoon, when Carla dragged him away.
**********
Daniel took great care not to meet the janitor again, and as far as we know, said janitor never did get to see his kid in 'The Jungle Book.'
**********
Jack fortunately evaded Elliot for the rest of the day, but just to be sure he left the SGC with a paper bag on his head.
**********
And as for JD and Dr Cox? They both turned up at O'Malley's to find that Sam wasn't there. A brawl ensued, and they were thrown out. As far as we know, they are still planning on asking her out again.
**********
THE END
Author Notes: This was quite popular the first time round, so I decided to write a sequel. What do you think? Please send feedback to jm-webmistress@fsmail.net