Chapter 3-A Shortcut to…NOTHING!

I apologize for the dreadful amount of time it took me to update! There's this little thing called homework and…Anyway, for those of you who've been waiting so patiently to meet my sensitive Nazgul, your patience is about to be rewarded. So sit back and relax, my friends, as Mendora proudly presents chapter 3!

Frodo and Sam had been on the road for several rather uneventful days, except for the watching the wood-elves leaving that one night. Frodo still couldn't get Sam to shut up about how sad it all was, which had resulted in some rather "aggressive negations", as it were. Yes, Sam's black eye is healed by the time we pick up with these two again, never fear…

Now they were hiking through the middle of some random cornfield for no particular reason, except that Frodo thought that it would be a handy shortcut to avoid the East Road, just for the heck of it. Sam was having difficult time bush-whacking through the rows of corn, and had lost sight of Frodo, who had found a convenient trail through the field and was getting pretty far ahead of Sam.

A few feet later, Sam eventually found the trail, but Frodo. He looked around and ahead, a bit concerned.

"Frodo?"

No answer.

"Frodo!"

He broke into a run, now scared. "Mister Frodo!"

To Sam's profound relief, the hobbit in question soon came trotting into sight around a bend.

"What? What?" he said, sounding alarmed.

"I thought I lost you."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's just something Gandalf said."

"What did he say?"

"'Don't you lose him, Samwise Gamgee. That-er-stupid moron of a hobbit couldn't get halfway to Bree…'"

"Sam, we're still in the Shire, what could possibly happen?"

When, when WHEN will literary characters learn that whenever someone utters those words that something will ALWAYS happen?

Smack.

A three-and-a-half foot tall blur plowed into Frodo, taking him completely off his feet. Seconds later, a slightly shorter blur creamed Sam, with similar results.

"Hey, Merry, lookit! It's Frodo Baggins!"

"I donno," the other blur giggled. "Looks kinda like Sam to me…hey, ow! Watch it!"

Sam shoved Merry off him and got to his feet, then roughly dragged Pippin off of Frodo. Merry handed Sam a few bottles. A realization dawned on him.

"You've been into Farmer Maggot's still!"

"Huh? Why yes, so we have. Hey, you can't expect a hobbit to EAT all his corn, do you?" Merry explained, swaying slightly, and Pippin was giggling and hanging onto Frodo for balance.

"Nope, who wants to-HIC-eat all his corn? Good stuff-hehehehe-good stuff-HIC."

Suddenly, a dog started barking, and the sound of an angry farmer's voice approached through the rows of corn.

"Uh-oh," said Pippin in a much too happy tone.

"Busted," giggled Merry. "C'mon."

They turned and ran into the corn field.

"Don't know why he's so upset. Only a couple of-hic-bottles…"

"Damn good bottles. If I was him, I wouldn't want to be parted with those."

"Speaking of which, hey, Sam! Where's those-"

"Uh-oh."

Frodo stopped dead at the edge of a rather nasty-looking ledge. Merry and Pippin skidded to a halt close behind. Sam, bringing up the rear, didn't react quickly enough. He went careening on past and rolled down the slope all by himself.

"AAAAAAAHH!"

"SAM!"

"Stupid, fat, hobbit," Pippin giggled.

"That's Gollum's line fool," Merry said. "Frodo, what the-?"

Frodo was already about halfway down the slope, rolling head over hairy feet after Sam, who had already reached the bottom.

"Two stupid fat hobbits."

"This definitely wasn't in the script."

"So what are we gonna do?" Pippin asked anxiously.

"This."

Merry went tumbling after Frodo.

"Come- oof- on-ow -Pip…"

Pippin sighed, tucked in his shirt, and flung himself down the hill. "Aaaaas yooooou wiiiiiisssssh…"

Sam was in a very bad mood when the third hobbit fell on top of him.

"Trust a Brandybuck and a Took!" Sam grumbled as he extracted himself from the pile of hobbits and sat up.

"What? It was a detour! A shortcut!" Pippin said matter-of-factly.

"Shortcut to what?"

"Er-" Pippin glanced around, trying to find a reason for coming down. Frodo shifted himself off of a patch of-

"Mush-!"

"Nothing," sighed Merry. "Mushroom moosh."

"There's mushroom moosh on Frodo's tush!" exclaimed Pippin, pointing. "Hey, that rhymes! Mushroom moosh on Frodo's tush, Mushroom moosh on Frodo's tush, Mushroom moosh on Frodo's tush…" he chanted.

"Shut up!"

Frodo wandered a little way down the Road (they landed along side it, remember?) with an uneasy feeling in his stomach. It might have been from the dizzying tumble, or Pippin's little chant, but most likely it came from a premonition that something incredibly evil was coming up the road towards them even now.

"I think we should get off the road," he said.

"Pippin, will you shut up?" Merry demanded.

"Mushroom moosh on Frodo's tush, Mushroom moosh on Frodo's tush,"

"PIPPIN!"

"Get off the road! Quick!"

"Whatsa matter, Frodo?" Sam asked.

"C'mon!"

"All right, all right…"

The hobbit dove for cover underneath a convenient roof of tree roots, wondering what the heck was going on.

"Merry, what the heck is going on?"

"Sssh!"

Frodo heard sinister hoofbeats stop above their heads. He heard the rider dismount…"

"Hey, lookit, Merry, there's a spider on your shoulder!" Pippin whispered.

"What? AAAAAAH! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF!"

"Merry!" all three other hobbits exclaimed in barely contained whispers, but too late. Merry was dancing around, frantically trying to swipe the offensive arachnid off and screaming bloody murder.

"DIE SPIDER, DIE! GET OFF! OFF, I SAY…eek."

"Hey lookit, Merry, there's a guy with no face behind you!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

This time it was all four hobbits screaming bloody murder. They started to run for it when-

"W-wait, w-will you, ::sniff::, please?"

All the hobbits stopped and turned around.

"Excuse me?" said Frodo.

"Every-everyone-::sniff:: does th-that when they s-see me! Nobody loves me…"

Frodo was utterly perplexed.

"Uh, sorry, uh, sir. Can we help you?"

The Black Rider sniffled again and wiped his hand across the black hole in the front of his hood in the general proximity of where is nose should have been. He seemed to compose himself somewhat, because his voice was a little less shaky when he spoke next.

"I-I need directions. My Master-er, my boss is a jewelry collector, he sent me out to find this ring so he can take over the world, the, uh jewelry market world, that is, and anyway, a guy named Baggins has it now. Do you know any Bagginses?"

"Baggins? Sure, I know a Baggins!" Pippin said excitedly. "He's over there! Frodo Baggins! And he's got a ring, don't you Frodo?"

"Yeah, I do," Frodo said, pulling out the Ring and examining it. "I donno, though. It must be a valuable piece, right? I wouldn't give it away to just any no-faced freak-"

"Whaaaaaaa!" the Rider wailed. "S-so I don't have a face! That's n-no excuse to be so mean!"

"Sorry!" said Frodo. "Sorry, I really am!"

The Rider seemed to calm a bit. "Yeah?"

"Anyway, I think it's better if you earned my Ring. Well, it's no my Ring, exactly, it's my cousin's."

"Hey, I have an idea!" Pippin chimed in. "Let's race to Bree! We get there first, Frodo keeps the Ring, you get there first, you get the Ring. Hobbits get a two-minute head start since the faceless freak has a horse! Readysetgo!"

"Pippin!" Sam called after him as he vanished into the brush. The Black Rider was starting to cry again.

"Too late, c'mon!" yelled Merry, taking off after his cousin. Frodo followed close behind.

"Wait, guys! Shouldn't we at least try to calm him down?"

He got no reply. The Rider was still sobbing.

"Er, sir? Can I take your picture?" Sam asked tentatively, pulling his camera from his pocket.

"W-what for?"

"Just because."

CLICK.

"AAAH! I c-can't see…"

"That's 'cause you don't have eyes. Bye."

Sam flew out of there as fast as his little hobbit legs would take him. That rider had a sword, and Sam had no idea what a very upset Rider might do with it, given the chance. Not like he wanted to find out.

"Guys! Guys!" Sam called to the other three as he caught up with them. "I got us a few more minutes head start!"

"How?" Frodo asked.

"Took a picture of him and made him cry."

"That's, uh, great."

"So, how do we get to Bree, anyway?" Pippin asked casually.

"WHAT? This was your idea!" Sam cried.

"Yeah, how can one race a faceless freak to Bree if one does not know the way to Bree?" Frodo added.

"Chill, guys. I know the way."

"How would you know the way, Merry?"

"We're burning our head start…"

"Right. Buckleberry Ferry, follow me!"

Now it's your turn! Tell me what you thought! Is it moving too slow? I don't mind if you flame me. Oh, speaking of flames, can someone give me a good idea for a funny twist to the bridge of Khazad-Dum scene? I'm kinda stuck for that. Thanks!