Chapter 4-The Tantrum of Isengard

"Giddyap! Hi ho Silver!" Gandalf whooped as he rode through Isengard's gates. He could not wait to see all his old buddies again, and of course partake of Saruman's finest orc-brewed Orthanc ale and wine. It would be a party of special magnificence, although he didn't know what it would be like if Saruman Jr. the Pink showed up. The gender of the White Wizard's offspring had not yet been disclosed to Gandalf, but he had a feeling that he didn't really want to know. Junior was quite young, by wizard terms anyway, and hadn't been able to attend the last reunion.

Gandalf reigned in his mount at the foot of a huge set of stairs leading up into Orthanc Tower. A white figure was descending.

"Smoke rises from the mountain of Doom, the hour grows late, and Gandalf the Grey-"

"-Is the first one to arrive at the party. Stuff it, Saruman, how ya been?"

The White wizard's tone did not change at all when he spoke next. "You've spoiled my grand entrance, Gandalf. How very inconsiderate, my old friend."

Gandalf quickly noted that Saruman's kick-ass staff was leveled in the general direction of his head. He decided to switch from his laid-back attitude to a more diplomatic one, one he only used in dealing with this particular wizard.

"Then do accept my sincerest apology," he said quickly. "Please continue."

"Very well…And Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard, bearing ill-oh, wait, that was the book version. Lemme think…oh yeah, it was And Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard, bearing my council…dammit, I knew that line, I shoulda read…" His voice faded as he noticed the expression that Gandalf was wearing (and probably the one all you readers are wearing, come to think of it). "Why don't we just go for a little stroll in the garden, shall we?" Saruman said after a rather scratchy pause.

"Sounds just spiffy, buddy-boy."

"Do not cause me to lose my temper, friend.

"Wouldn't dream of it. Shall we?"

"Come."

A few minutes later Gandalf brought up a rather touchy subject as they were strolling along.

"So, where's the party?"

"I'm warning you-"

"I was just asking!"

"I have no knowledge of their whereabouts. None of the others have arrived yet."

"No, duh."

"I told you-"

"Hey, watch where you're pointing that stick, White Man-"

"Don't you ever call me-"

"Saruman."

"What?"

"I said sorry, man! Boy you're touchy today!"

"Would not you feel a bit irate if your party was a flop?" Saruman demanded angrily.

"How can you call the party a flop? I am the party, White Man!"

"How darest thou?"

Saruman's staff was mere inches from Gandalf's face.

"Maaaaybe we oughta go inside, dude," Gandalf said. "You need to have a martini and sit dawn for a little while."

"Is that an insult?"

"No, it's a suggestion. Come on, buddy-boy!"

With that, Gandalf whirled and headed back for the tower, forcing Saruman to follow. The wizard's usually white complexion had trued an interesting shade of vermilion, and his staff was smoking slightly.

He caught up with Gandalf by the front steps, intending to show the Grey Wizard the full extent of his wrath, but was thrown off when he asked a simple question.

"Hey, is Junior planning on coming?"

"Junior is here."

"Oh, she is? Cool."

It was a random guess on Gandalf's part, but who else besides a girl would have the title "The Pink"?

"He. Come, friend." Saruman brushed past Gandalf and went into the tower. Gandalf followed, sniggering softly to himself.

He entered the throne room and glanced around. it looked exactly as it had at the last reunion, with two notable changes. There was a pedestal in the center of the room, a black cloth covering a round lump on the top, and a teenage figure sprawled across the throne, sporting bright pink robes and a black cowboy hat and looking absolutely mortified.

"Gandalf, this is my son, Saruman Jr. The Pink. Junior, this is Gandalf the Grey," Saruman said, attempting an introduction.

"Don't call me Junior," he grumbled, crossing his arms and curling up into a tighter ball.

"Now, Junior, don't be rude. Come shake hands with the nice wizard."

"Do I gotta?"

"Yes, you do."

"Fine."

Junior got up and shuffled over to Gandalf. He shook his hand limply without looking at him and muttered something that may have been "'S happinen' pops?" He quickly shuffled back to the throne and assumed the fetal position.

"Well, I'm, uh, pleased to meet you, Junior."

"DON'T CALL ME JUNIOR!"

"You're just like your father-"

"HEY!" shouted Saruman and Junior in unison. "I FIND THAT VERY OFFENSIVE!" (also in unison)

"Ha! I rest my case."

"Take it back!" Junior shouted.

"Nope, I cannot tell a lie."

Afterwards, it was hard for Gandalf to say what happened first after that: a whip cracking to the theme song from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Saruman smacking him over the head with his staff, or himself falling onto the floor. He did know that Saruman screamed something about a broken fingernail after those aforementioned events had transpired. Then all Gandalf could see was stars.

"Take it back!"

Gandalf found himself hurtling through the air and landing with his back pinned against the wall maybe twenty feet above the floor.

"Take it back!" Saruman shouted again.

"You sonuvabitch…."

The invisible force holding him to the wall suddenly vanished and he crashed to the floor.

"Take that!" Saruman laughed. Gandalf grabbed up his staff where he dropped it and lashed out at Saruman. He skidded halfway across the room on his butt and smashed into the opposite wall.

"You're dead, you-you…" the White Wizard sputtered in fury.

"Who you callin' a youyou? YAAH!" Gandalf yelled. Saruman's head smacked into the wall again.

"Dudes! Oh, behave!" Junior shouted, but to no avail. Gandalf flew across the room again.

"OW! Okay, that's it, I'm going!" Gandalf said as he clambered to his feet. "Could you get the door for me, SaruMAN?"

Saruman careened into one of the sets of closed doors, slamming it open. Gandalf made a run for it, but suddenly found that he was no longer in possession of his staff.

"Oh sh-"

He slammed to the ground and flipped over, yelling further obscenities.

"I gave you the chance of …er…willingly….what was it? Oh, screw it."

Gandalf was now spinning on his head, going faster and faster. This was not at all to his liking.

"You," panted Saruman, attempting to cover up his previous mistake, "have elected the way of…PAIN!"

"Cool, dad. I didn't know you could launch wizards."

"Why thank you, Junior."

"I also didn't know you read your script."

"Shut up and go to your room."

Yes, short pointless chapter, I know. Review anyway! You know the drill! C'mon, please? I still need ideas for the Khazad-Dum scene! Give me a hand, please! Thank you, thank you very much.