Disclaimer: I own nothing. Ranma 1/2 belongs to . . . eh I'm not 100% on who it belongs to now (Does the lady who created it still own it? Or does some mega-corp own it now? Damn mega-corps!) so . . . anyway it don't belong to me. I don't own (takes a deep breath) Tenchi Muyo, Sailor Moon, Card Captors, Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, Digimon, Gundam Wing, Mobile Suit Gundam, the word Gundam (which I think sounds really funny) any of the Mobile Suit Gundam spin-offs, Cowboy Bebop, Bevis and Butthead, Power Puff Girls, Super Mario Bros., Harry Potter, the Proud Family, or ANYTHING else (gasp for air) That's my disclaimer baby!
Grimm: Lets get it on!
Akane: Pervert!
Grimm: . . . I meant the fic! Stupid!
Ryoga: How dare you call beautiful Akane stupid! Even if it IS undeniably TRUE!
Grimm: Anyway, this chapter is BAD! Bad chapter bad!
Ryoga: Saizo possesses Akane at the talent show-OUCH!
Grimm: (is hitting Ryoga on the head) Don't give it away! Anyway, there is a great deal of Anime bashing and America jokes. None of them besides a single crack about Tenchi reflect our TRUE feelings, but . . . well . . . Saizo IS a real jerk.
Saizo: HEY!
Ryoga: In other words, if you read this and take it seriously, you're even stupider than Grimm thinks you are.
Nabiki: And that's pretty stupid.
Grimm: Yep. It'd make you stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid stooo-pid people.
Saizo: If I'm such a jerk why are you insulting your readers?
Grimm: I'm not. I'm insulting my flamers. My mysterious flamers, who haven't showed up yet.
Ryoga: Isn't that a good thing?
Grimm: . . . no. I don't have anyone to tease.
Nabiki: This chapter should get a flame or two!
Saizo: I can flame you! (Sets Grimm on fire)
Grimm: AAAHHHH!
Ryoga: This also has strong language.
Nabiki: But you're gonna read it anyway! And if you don't you have to pay me . . . lets see . . . what's fair? Okay, FIVE MILLION YEN!
Grimm: (takes a break from stopping, dropping and rolling) That's fair?
Nabiki: For me yes. And you're still on fire.
Grimm: BAH! (Stop, drop, roll)
Part Seven
Show Me Some Talent!
Ryoga wondered through China trying to figure out how to get to the talent show. Ironically Yuki was wondering around the same area, trying to figure out how to get back to her rock and her swamp. Neither one possessing anything resembling a sense or direction, and the fact that the latter still wanted to kill the former didn't help matters when they actually bumped into each other to ask for directions.
"Wake up!" Akane cried.
"Goo'ell." Ranma mumbled.
"What was that?" Akane demanded.
"He said 'Go To Heck'" Kasumi said cheerfully. "Of course his words were edited for young ears."
"What young ears?" Akane cried. "The youngest person here is . . . hey isn't it Ranma?"
Ranma grunted. "Ifugateooh"
"I'm not going to ask." Akane sighed. "I'm not showing any interest of any kind and not encouraging you to translate."
"I frickin hate you." Kasumi said matter-of-factly. "Again, edited for virgin ears."
"No one in THIS house has 'virgin ears'" Akane mumbled. "WAKE UP RANMA!" She shouted.
Ranma's half closed eyes snapped open and he screamed when he saw a very angry Akane staring him down. He began running around in circles screaming something in Ranma-Tongue and then leapt into the pond.
"Things are off to an interesting start . . ." Nabiki sighed.
"Good luck with the talent show today, Akane." Kasumi added. "Nabiki, wont you be one of the judges?"
"Yes." Nabiki sighed. "But only because everyone knows I'd be completely unbiased when I vote against-er I mean 'for' Akane."
"You're gonna vote AGAINST me!?" Akane screeched.
"I've heard your jokes, frankly I'd rather eat your cooking than hear another. I've already drawn out your score in my mind. A perfect ten!"
"Wow! That's nice of you Nabiki." Kasumi said.
"The goal is to get a Zero." Nabiki yawned.
"Oh . . . well then that's mean of you Nabiki." Kasumi said.
"Well I had to even it out, Kuno is also a judge and we both know what score he'll give Akane, no matter what her talent or skill is."
"Why are there so many bias judges?" Soun asked.
"Because we're the best kind there is." Nabiki noted.
Akane was bewildered. Were her jokes really that bad? "What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?"
"One sells watches, one watches cells." Nabiki yawned.
"NOPE! One sell watches, one . . . oh . . . darn it!" Akane sighed.
"That joke is older than you are." Kasumi noted.
"I need fresh material?" Akane asked.
"That, and a new delivery system." Nabiki said. "It helps if you don't laugh until after the joke is delivered, or better yet-not at all."
"If I were you, I'd jes go wit Martial Arts." Ranma scoffed. "Even though THAT leaves something ta be desired too."
"Shut up!" Akane cried. "I've got to prove that there IS more to Akane Tendo than fist fighting and martial arts!"
"Yeah! Show them your cheerful personality." Ranma enthused.
Akane lunged on him with a baseball bat that had come from out of nowhere. "RANMA!" She screamed. Her Fiancée's name had become her battle cry lately, which could be seen as romantic if it weren't for the fact that he was the only one she actually fought on a regular basis.
About Ten Minutes Later . . .
"And Ukyo gets a perfect zero from all the judges on her perfect cooking!"
"I'm not in this contest!" Ukyo protested. "I just brought delivery!"
"It's not delivery!" Kuno cried. "It's Dish-or-no!" (Spell it wrong, no go in disclaimer, no get sued, me happy!)
"That's an insult!" Ukyo screamed, she lunged at Kuno and began beating the crap out of him.
"Perfect Zero!" Nabiki announced, laughing her head off.
"Well . . . she did execute it perfectly, but she lacked the violent rage that we usually see from Akane or Ranma when they beat the stuffing out of Kuno, so I'll have to say . . . a three!" Another judge said.
"Next up is Akane Tendo!" The announcer cried. "With her barrage of jokes!"
"Barrage is right!" Nabiki scoffed. "Uh . . . we need a replacement judge, Kuno is unconscious."
Ranma leapt into Kuno's seat. "Yes! Yes! I get to judge Akane! YES!!!"
Through it all Saizo just scowled.
Sakon wasn't really amused either. These children lacked talent in any shape or form. Saizo was hoping that Akane would do something interesting . . . then it hit her. Why hope? Why not make sure?
Akane stumbled slightly as she walked out onto the stage. Akane's eyes changed slightly from her usual happy sweet rage to more of an empty pointless rage.
Sakon noticed that Saizo was suddenly missing. "Oh fruits." He sighed. "Well this won't end well."
"Good morning New York!" Akane-Saizo shouted, not even needing the microphone that a judge handed her.
"So miss Tendo!" One of the judges said. "What is YOUR talent?"
"I'm going to strip off all my cloths, cover myself in chocolate syrup and let you eat it all off."
"Seriously?" The judge asked. The crowd became very interested.
"No."
"Oh." The crowd sighed. Sakon shook his head.
"This wont end well." He repeated.
"Instead I'm going to tell jokes that will leave you all laughing so hard you'll want to commit suicide!"
"Yay!" the crowd cheered.
"SILENCE!" Akane-Saizo screamed. "Ahem. So . . . how 'bout those Japanese? Pretty stupid cartoons eh? I mean, have you caught that Tenchi show? To think so many girls would chase after that one boy with the ponytail. He isn't even attractive." Akane-Saizo said. (My opinion of both Tenchi AND Ranma 1/2) "If he were any sort of man, he'd drill each one of them, but he aint. And talk about promoting incest! Isn't the chick with purple hair and the kid with blue hair technically his aunts or something since they're his grandpa's half sisters?"
"BOO!" The crowd screamed. They were all Tenchi fans obviously. Sakon was still trying to figure out what the heck a 'Tenchi' was. Not to mention that it was a little stupid to insult the Japanese when you were speaking to a full audience of them. The Mexican exchange student was amused though.
"And don't get me started on Sailor Moon. She fawns over that Tuxedo Mask and we ALL know what SHE wants."
"BOO!"
"Shut up ya morons!" Akane-Saizo snapped. "Now, moving on, who's seen Gundam?"
"ENOUGH!" One of the judges cried.
"You're worse than before!" Ranma added.
Saizo never was one for humor. She was usually funny when she was blissfully unaware of how stupid she was. When she tried to be funny, she-like Akane-was the only one who seemed to be entertained.
"I mean c'mon, a giant robot running around is cool and all, but a stupid little kid with ESP? Gimme a break!"
"I'm genuinely offended!" A teacher who looked five years old shouted. Sakon didn't know her story, and frankly he didn't care. He was waiting for Saizo to try to kill something, which was-he was pretty sure-her plan.
"And then the spin-offs! I mean 8th MS sucked, StarDust might have been good if the main character was more likeable, and the one with the kid in it was just stupid! And then Gundam Wing, the best one out of the WHOLE series had more sluts in it than Sailor Moon!"
"Boo!" Relena Peacecraft shouted from the crowd.
"Shut up! Like we don't all know that Relena girl wanted to spread her legs the first time she met that suicidal boy. I mean, shish you give women in general a bad name! And then your boy friend! He's blown his own Gundam up more often than the enemy has! And yet it always gets repaired and he always survives the blast! Then you have all the other Gundam pilots and their hoes! I mean, okay so that kid with the Death Scythe might have been cool if he didn't have that gay long hair, and Wufei kicked major tail until he started banging that resistance woman, the one in her thirties-"
"She's not in her thirties and we never 'banged' I tell you!" Wufei cried.
"Shut up! Anyway, you have Trowa with his silly haircut and that prostitute who adopts him-they're the worst couple there is besides Heero and the Peacecraft girl! Not to mention the gay kid and his psychotic acquaintance, that skinny girl with the big eyebrows."
"Those who have insulted a Gundam shall not live to tell about it! Those were the orders I was given!" Trowa announced. But Akane-Saizo threw her microphone at him. It returned like a boomerang after knocking Trowa unconscious.
"And then the stupid guy with the mask and HIS girl, whom I get these freaky vibes from-I think she wants to bang the gay boy too, but then again he does bare a sick resemblance to this Lighting Baron guy."
"That's Lighting Count!" Zechs cried. "And there is NO resemblance!"
"Shut up!" Akane-Saizo snapped. "Oh, and lets not forget the fact that your dumb little robots never explode or take damage in a normal fight, but if there's dramatic music playing their suddenly as powerful as a normal mobile suit and you guys LOSE! I mean c'mon! Yo! Oz soldiers, if you see a Gundam, don't be an idiot and run for help, you'll live longer in a duel trust me!"
"That's not true at all!" Heero protested.
"Yes it is! It's a fact! Even a Leo can last at least ten seconds if it's all by itself fighting you losers with it's sword or something! But a swarm of like ten of them you don't hesitate to produce beam cannons!"
"That's it! I'm outa here!" Heero snapped. The rest of the Gundam cast followed.
"There goes our guest judges." Nabiki sighed.
"And Cowboy Bebop, now THERE is a show . . . for idiots! Hey, don't get me wrong, I love Anime-you have too or you get mobbed at school! Oh wait, I already DO get mobbed, or did before my gender-switching fiancée showed up. But that's okay, because," Saizo pretended to whisper "He's blissfully unaware of my sexual epics with his father and the local doctor!"
The crowd laughed, but it was really more of a forced, painful laugh of shock.
Sakon sighed. "What a sad case. I should really do something to help . . . eh . . . to lazy."
"But seriously folks, have you even caught that Yu-Gi-Oh show? I mean, if I lose a card game, I should be so lucky to have my grand father sucked up into some sort of card or some thing. I mean, have you seen MY grandpa? He jumps around with a bag of underwear screaming 'What a Haul!' and then wonders why we keep beating the snot out of him!" The crowd laughed at this, simply because at that very second said pervert showed up with a big bag screaming "What a haul! What a haul!" and being chased by Soun and Genma, both wielding fly swatters.
Sakon sighed. It'd be funnier if Saizo took the time to know that the old man wasn't actually Akane's grandpa.
"And have you caught those stupid monster shows? Pokemon, Digimon? And then there's Card Captors, the child of Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh!"
"How can that be? Card Captors is OLDER than Yu-Gi-Oh!"
"Shut up!" Saizo threw her microphone at Ranma's head. Then she continued with her joke, not missing a beat. "I mean, c'mon, who are those two grown men that little girl on roller blades lives with? Scandalous, I guess we all know she isn't a virgin."
"That's not especially funny." Nabiki pointed out. "Especially considering your crack about yourself being the love slave of uncle Saotome and Dr. Tofu."
"Shut up!" Saizo-Akane snapped. "You want some of this? Come up here! I'll beat the crap out-a you Yuki!"
"Who-ki?" Ranma asked.
Nabiki sighed. "Is her five minutes up yet?"
"Nope." One of the other judges sighed.
"Did you say something?" Another judge with earplugs asked.
Sakon wished he could use earplugs.
"But seriously, I love Anime. But have you SEEN some of those American cartoons? Do they TRY to draw or are they just covering up their inability to animate by making it look deliberate?"
"BOO!" The crowd jeered.
"Wait! She's insulting America now!" Some one shouted.
"Oh . . ." Some one else said.
"YAY!" The crowd cheered.
"Bevis and Butthead, now THERE is some screwed up crap right there! And don't get me going on the Powder Puff Girls!"
"What the heck is she talking about?" Some one asked.
"Who cares? She's insulting America!"
"YAY!" The crowd cheered.
"BOO!" The Mexican student cried.
"America, not Mexico!" Some one said.
"Oh . . . Yay!"
"Then there's Hairy Pot-head!"
"That's not even American!" Some one cried.
"Is the five minutes up yet?" Nabiki asked, a pleading tone in her voice.
"Set the watches ahead!" Ranma announced. "I wanna place my score on her sorry jokes!"
"Shut up!" Akane-Saizo said, not for the first or last time today. "Now, where was I? Oh yeah! The 'Proud Family' is the saddest bundle of African American stereotypes, jumbled into a TV show I've ever seen!"
"Are you joking or ranting?" Sakon shouted, only Saizo would hear him.
"SHUT UP!" Akane-Saizo snapped. Everyone looked at her in surprise because for once no one had said anything or disagreed with her since no one knew what the heck she was talking about anymore.
"And that's TIME!" Ranma cried.
"Yes!" Nabiki said.
"Not yet! She has thirty seconds!" Another judge said.
"Good! Just enough time for me to get started on that gay little Super Mario Brothers show!" Akane-Saizo said.
"On second thought . . . yeah, she's out of time." The judge said. "Scores!"
Akane Saizo gave them all threatening glances and most of them put up low numbers. Ranma put up a zero, Nabiki alone, blissfully unaware of the fact that though Akane might not break her neck, Saizo was a different story, put up a ten.
Of course Saizo didn't know that the grading scale was backwards (neither did Ranma) and so even though she got a nearly perfect score, she believed that Nabiki had given her a good score and the other five judges had given her bad scores. So she threw her microphone at Ranma and stormed off the stage.
"Hah!" Ranma cried, taking the head blow in stride. "Did you see that? What low scores!"
"You moron! The point is to get the least amount of points possible!" Nabiki sighed. "By giving her a zero you technically gave her a ten!"
Ranma sighed. "Oh . . . oh . . . oh crap."
"Nabiki was the only one brave enough to give her sister the score she deserved for those blasphemous jokes!" One of the judges said. "I'm ashamed! And here I call myself the President of the Anime Club!"
"There is no Anime club!" Ranma protested.
"Shut up!" the boy cried. He ran off crying.
"We need another judge!" Nabiki sighed.
Sakon frowned. What the heck. He floated down and possessed the unconscious Kuno. "I shalt judge this event-for I, Upperclassman Kuno am the only man capable of delivering justice to each candidate!" Sakon didn't even have to say it, it came out automatically as he woke Kuno up. He decided maybe this was the wrong boy to possess, still . . . to little, too late.
To Be Continued . . .
Grimm: I told ya, I told ya "bad chapter" but you read it anyway! Curse you!
Ryoga: I thought Saizo-Akane's jokes were funny.
Heero: WHAT!
Ryoga: Well you ARE suicidal, and Tenchi Muyo DOES promote incest.
Grimm: Regardless, I disclaim all wicked statements made by Saizo.
Nabiki: Fine.
Ranma: We don't really care so long as we get our checks in the mail we'll keep working on this fic.
Grimm: Yes. Well about that . . .
Tofu: Were not getting paid for THIS fic either?
Grimm: Nope.
Ranma: . . . That's it! I'm leaving!
Grimm: But if you stick around I have the magical powers to cure your curse!
Ranma: Why would I want that? After all, when I turn into a girl I can look at myself naked!
Akane: RANMA! You pervert!
Akane chases Ranma around . . . I dunno I guess it's how they show love . . . sick.
To Be-DOH! I said that already!
Grimm: Lets get it on!
Akane: Pervert!
Grimm: . . . I meant the fic! Stupid!
Ryoga: How dare you call beautiful Akane stupid! Even if it IS undeniably TRUE!
Grimm: Anyway, this chapter is BAD! Bad chapter bad!
Ryoga: Saizo possesses Akane at the talent show-OUCH!
Grimm: (is hitting Ryoga on the head) Don't give it away! Anyway, there is a great deal of Anime bashing and America jokes. None of them besides a single crack about Tenchi reflect our TRUE feelings, but . . . well . . . Saizo IS a real jerk.
Saizo: HEY!
Ryoga: In other words, if you read this and take it seriously, you're even stupider than Grimm thinks you are.
Nabiki: And that's pretty stupid.
Grimm: Yep. It'd make you stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid stooo-pid people.
Saizo: If I'm such a jerk why are you insulting your readers?
Grimm: I'm not. I'm insulting my flamers. My mysterious flamers, who haven't showed up yet.
Ryoga: Isn't that a good thing?
Grimm: . . . no. I don't have anyone to tease.
Nabiki: This chapter should get a flame or two!
Saizo: I can flame you! (Sets Grimm on fire)
Grimm: AAAHHHH!
Ryoga: This also has strong language.
Nabiki: But you're gonna read it anyway! And if you don't you have to pay me . . . lets see . . . what's fair? Okay, FIVE MILLION YEN!
Grimm: (takes a break from stopping, dropping and rolling) That's fair?
Nabiki: For me yes. And you're still on fire.
Grimm: BAH! (Stop, drop, roll)
Part Seven
Show Me Some Talent!
Ryoga wondered through China trying to figure out how to get to the talent show. Ironically Yuki was wondering around the same area, trying to figure out how to get back to her rock and her swamp. Neither one possessing anything resembling a sense or direction, and the fact that the latter still wanted to kill the former didn't help matters when they actually bumped into each other to ask for directions.
"Wake up!" Akane cried.
"Goo'ell." Ranma mumbled.
"What was that?" Akane demanded.
"He said 'Go To Heck'" Kasumi said cheerfully. "Of course his words were edited for young ears."
"What young ears?" Akane cried. "The youngest person here is . . . hey isn't it Ranma?"
Ranma grunted. "Ifugateooh"
"I'm not going to ask." Akane sighed. "I'm not showing any interest of any kind and not encouraging you to translate."
"I frickin hate you." Kasumi said matter-of-factly. "Again, edited for virgin ears."
"No one in THIS house has 'virgin ears'" Akane mumbled. "WAKE UP RANMA!" She shouted.
Ranma's half closed eyes snapped open and he screamed when he saw a very angry Akane staring him down. He began running around in circles screaming something in Ranma-Tongue and then leapt into the pond.
"Things are off to an interesting start . . ." Nabiki sighed.
"Good luck with the talent show today, Akane." Kasumi added. "Nabiki, wont you be one of the judges?"
"Yes." Nabiki sighed. "But only because everyone knows I'd be completely unbiased when I vote against-er I mean 'for' Akane."
"You're gonna vote AGAINST me!?" Akane screeched.
"I've heard your jokes, frankly I'd rather eat your cooking than hear another. I've already drawn out your score in my mind. A perfect ten!"
"Wow! That's nice of you Nabiki." Kasumi said.
"The goal is to get a Zero." Nabiki yawned.
"Oh . . . well then that's mean of you Nabiki." Kasumi said.
"Well I had to even it out, Kuno is also a judge and we both know what score he'll give Akane, no matter what her talent or skill is."
"Why are there so many bias judges?" Soun asked.
"Because we're the best kind there is." Nabiki noted.
Akane was bewildered. Were her jokes really that bad? "What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?"
"One sells watches, one watches cells." Nabiki yawned.
"NOPE! One sell watches, one . . . oh . . . darn it!" Akane sighed.
"That joke is older than you are." Kasumi noted.
"I need fresh material?" Akane asked.
"That, and a new delivery system." Nabiki said. "It helps if you don't laugh until after the joke is delivered, or better yet-not at all."
"If I were you, I'd jes go wit Martial Arts." Ranma scoffed. "Even though THAT leaves something ta be desired too."
"Shut up!" Akane cried. "I've got to prove that there IS more to Akane Tendo than fist fighting and martial arts!"
"Yeah! Show them your cheerful personality." Ranma enthused.
Akane lunged on him with a baseball bat that had come from out of nowhere. "RANMA!" She screamed. Her Fiancée's name had become her battle cry lately, which could be seen as romantic if it weren't for the fact that he was the only one she actually fought on a regular basis.
About Ten Minutes Later . . .
"And Ukyo gets a perfect zero from all the judges on her perfect cooking!"
"I'm not in this contest!" Ukyo protested. "I just brought delivery!"
"It's not delivery!" Kuno cried. "It's Dish-or-no!" (Spell it wrong, no go in disclaimer, no get sued, me happy!)
"That's an insult!" Ukyo screamed, she lunged at Kuno and began beating the crap out of him.
"Perfect Zero!" Nabiki announced, laughing her head off.
"Well . . . she did execute it perfectly, but she lacked the violent rage that we usually see from Akane or Ranma when they beat the stuffing out of Kuno, so I'll have to say . . . a three!" Another judge said.
"Next up is Akane Tendo!" The announcer cried. "With her barrage of jokes!"
"Barrage is right!" Nabiki scoffed. "Uh . . . we need a replacement judge, Kuno is unconscious."
Ranma leapt into Kuno's seat. "Yes! Yes! I get to judge Akane! YES!!!"
Through it all Saizo just scowled.
Sakon wasn't really amused either. These children lacked talent in any shape or form. Saizo was hoping that Akane would do something interesting . . . then it hit her. Why hope? Why not make sure?
Akane stumbled slightly as she walked out onto the stage. Akane's eyes changed slightly from her usual happy sweet rage to more of an empty pointless rage.
Sakon noticed that Saizo was suddenly missing. "Oh fruits." He sighed. "Well this won't end well."
"Good morning New York!" Akane-Saizo shouted, not even needing the microphone that a judge handed her.
"So miss Tendo!" One of the judges said. "What is YOUR talent?"
"I'm going to strip off all my cloths, cover myself in chocolate syrup and let you eat it all off."
"Seriously?" The judge asked. The crowd became very interested.
"No."
"Oh." The crowd sighed. Sakon shook his head.
"This wont end well." He repeated.
"Instead I'm going to tell jokes that will leave you all laughing so hard you'll want to commit suicide!"
"Yay!" the crowd cheered.
"SILENCE!" Akane-Saizo screamed. "Ahem. So . . . how 'bout those Japanese? Pretty stupid cartoons eh? I mean, have you caught that Tenchi show? To think so many girls would chase after that one boy with the ponytail. He isn't even attractive." Akane-Saizo said. (My opinion of both Tenchi AND Ranma 1/2) "If he were any sort of man, he'd drill each one of them, but he aint. And talk about promoting incest! Isn't the chick with purple hair and the kid with blue hair technically his aunts or something since they're his grandpa's half sisters?"
"BOO!" The crowd screamed. They were all Tenchi fans obviously. Sakon was still trying to figure out what the heck a 'Tenchi' was. Not to mention that it was a little stupid to insult the Japanese when you were speaking to a full audience of them. The Mexican exchange student was amused though.
"And don't get me started on Sailor Moon. She fawns over that Tuxedo Mask and we ALL know what SHE wants."
"BOO!"
"Shut up ya morons!" Akane-Saizo snapped. "Now, moving on, who's seen Gundam?"
"ENOUGH!" One of the judges cried.
"You're worse than before!" Ranma added.
Saizo never was one for humor. She was usually funny when she was blissfully unaware of how stupid she was. When she tried to be funny, she-like Akane-was the only one who seemed to be entertained.
"I mean c'mon, a giant robot running around is cool and all, but a stupid little kid with ESP? Gimme a break!"
"I'm genuinely offended!" A teacher who looked five years old shouted. Sakon didn't know her story, and frankly he didn't care. He was waiting for Saizo to try to kill something, which was-he was pretty sure-her plan.
"And then the spin-offs! I mean 8th MS sucked, StarDust might have been good if the main character was more likeable, and the one with the kid in it was just stupid! And then Gundam Wing, the best one out of the WHOLE series had more sluts in it than Sailor Moon!"
"Boo!" Relena Peacecraft shouted from the crowd.
"Shut up! Like we don't all know that Relena girl wanted to spread her legs the first time she met that suicidal boy. I mean, shish you give women in general a bad name! And then your boy friend! He's blown his own Gundam up more often than the enemy has! And yet it always gets repaired and he always survives the blast! Then you have all the other Gundam pilots and their hoes! I mean, okay so that kid with the Death Scythe might have been cool if he didn't have that gay long hair, and Wufei kicked major tail until he started banging that resistance woman, the one in her thirties-"
"She's not in her thirties and we never 'banged' I tell you!" Wufei cried.
"Shut up! Anyway, you have Trowa with his silly haircut and that prostitute who adopts him-they're the worst couple there is besides Heero and the Peacecraft girl! Not to mention the gay kid and his psychotic acquaintance, that skinny girl with the big eyebrows."
"Those who have insulted a Gundam shall not live to tell about it! Those were the orders I was given!" Trowa announced. But Akane-Saizo threw her microphone at him. It returned like a boomerang after knocking Trowa unconscious.
"And then the stupid guy with the mask and HIS girl, whom I get these freaky vibes from-I think she wants to bang the gay boy too, but then again he does bare a sick resemblance to this Lighting Baron guy."
"That's Lighting Count!" Zechs cried. "And there is NO resemblance!"
"Shut up!" Akane-Saizo snapped. "Oh, and lets not forget the fact that your dumb little robots never explode or take damage in a normal fight, but if there's dramatic music playing their suddenly as powerful as a normal mobile suit and you guys LOSE! I mean c'mon! Yo! Oz soldiers, if you see a Gundam, don't be an idiot and run for help, you'll live longer in a duel trust me!"
"That's not true at all!" Heero protested.
"Yes it is! It's a fact! Even a Leo can last at least ten seconds if it's all by itself fighting you losers with it's sword or something! But a swarm of like ten of them you don't hesitate to produce beam cannons!"
"That's it! I'm outa here!" Heero snapped. The rest of the Gundam cast followed.
"There goes our guest judges." Nabiki sighed.
"And Cowboy Bebop, now THERE is a show . . . for idiots! Hey, don't get me wrong, I love Anime-you have too or you get mobbed at school! Oh wait, I already DO get mobbed, or did before my gender-switching fiancée showed up. But that's okay, because," Saizo pretended to whisper "He's blissfully unaware of my sexual epics with his father and the local doctor!"
The crowd laughed, but it was really more of a forced, painful laugh of shock.
Sakon sighed. "What a sad case. I should really do something to help . . . eh . . . to lazy."
"But seriously folks, have you even caught that Yu-Gi-Oh show? I mean, if I lose a card game, I should be so lucky to have my grand father sucked up into some sort of card or some thing. I mean, have you seen MY grandpa? He jumps around with a bag of underwear screaming 'What a Haul!' and then wonders why we keep beating the snot out of him!" The crowd laughed at this, simply because at that very second said pervert showed up with a big bag screaming "What a haul! What a haul!" and being chased by Soun and Genma, both wielding fly swatters.
Sakon sighed. It'd be funnier if Saizo took the time to know that the old man wasn't actually Akane's grandpa.
"And have you caught those stupid monster shows? Pokemon, Digimon? And then there's Card Captors, the child of Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh!"
"How can that be? Card Captors is OLDER than Yu-Gi-Oh!"
"Shut up!" Saizo threw her microphone at Ranma's head. Then she continued with her joke, not missing a beat. "I mean, c'mon, who are those two grown men that little girl on roller blades lives with? Scandalous, I guess we all know she isn't a virgin."
"That's not especially funny." Nabiki pointed out. "Especially considering your crack about yourself being the love slave of uncle Saotome and Dr. Tofu."
"Shut up!" Saizo-Akane snapped. "You want some of this? Come up here! I'll beat the crap out-a you Yuki!"
"Who-ki?" Ranma asked.
Nabiki sighed. "Is her five minutes up yet?"
"Nope." One of the other judges sighed.
"Did you say something?" Another judge with earplugs asked.
Sakon wished he could use earplugs.
"But seriously, I love Anime. But have you SEEN some of those American cartoons? Do they TRY to draw or are they just covering up their inability to animate by making it look deliberate?"
"BOO!" The crowd jeered.
"Wait! She's insulting America now!" Some one shouted.
"Oh . . ." Some one else said.
"YAY!" The crowd cheered.
"Bevis and Butthead, now THERE is some screwed up crap right there! And don't get me going on the Powder Puff Girls!"
"What the heck is she talking about?" Some one asked.
"Who cares? She's insulting America!"
"YAY!" The crowd cheered.
"BOO!" The Mexican student cried.
"America, not Mexico!" Some one said.
"Oh . . . Yay!"
"Then there's Hairy Pot-head!"
"That's not even American!" Some one cried.
"Is the five minutes up yet?" Nabiki asked, a pleading tone in her voice.
"Set the watches ahead!" Ranma announced. "I wanna place my score on her sorry jokes!"
"Shut up!" Akane-Saizo said, not for the first or last time today. "Now, where was I? Oh yeah! The 'Proud Family' is the saddest bundle of African American stereotypes, jumbled into a TV show I've ever seen!"
"Are you joking or ranting?" Sakon shouted, only Saizo would hear him.
"SHUT UP!" Akane-Saizo snapped. Everyone looked at her in surprise because for once no one had said anything or disagreed with her since no one knew what the heck she was talking about anymore.
"And that's TIME!" Ranma cried.
"Yes!" Nabiki said.
"Not yet! She has thirty seconds!" Another judge said.
"Good! Just enough time for me to get started on that gay little Super Mario Brothers show!" Akane-Saizo said.
"On second thought . . . yeah, she's out of time." The judge said. "Scores!"
Akane Saizo gave them all threatening glances and most of them put up low numbers. Ranma put up a zero, Nabiki alone, blissfully unaware of the fact that though Akane might not break her neck, Saizo was a different story, put up a ten.
Of course Saizo didn't know that the grading scale was backwards (neither did Ranma) and so even though she got a nearly perfect score, she believed that Nabiki had given her a good score and the other five judges had given her bad scores. So she threw her microphone at Ranma and stormed off the stage.
"Hah!" Ranma cried, taking the head blow in stride. "Did you see that? What low scores!"
"You moron! The point is to get the least amount of points possible!" Nabiki sighed. "By giving her a zero you technically gave her a ten!"
Ranma sighed. "Oh . . . oh . . . oh crap."
"Nabiki was the only one brave enough to give her sister the score she deserved for those blasphemous jokes!" One of the judges said. "I'm ashamed! And here I call myself the President of the Anime Club!"
"There is no Anime club!" Ranma protested.
"Shut up!" the boy cried. He ran off crying.
"We need another judge!" Nabiki sighed.
Sakon frowned. What the heck. He floated down and possessed the unconscious Kuno. "I shalt judge this event-for I, Upperclassman Kuno am the only man capable of delivering justice to each candidate!" Sakon didn't even have to say it, it came out automatically as he woke Kuno up. He decided maybe this was the wrong boy to possess, still . . . to little, too late.
To Be Continued . . .
Grimm: I told ya, I told ya "bad chapter" but you read it anyway! Curse you!
Ryoga: I thought Saizo-Akane's jokes were funny.
Heero: WHAT!
Ryoga: Well you ARE suicidal, and Tenchi Muyo DOES promote incest.
Grimm: Regardless, I disclaim all wicked statements made by Saizo.
Nabiki: Fine.
Ranma: We don't really care so long as we get our checks in the mail we'll keep working on this fic.
Grimm: Yes. Well about that . . .
Tofu: Were not getting paid for THIS fic either?
Grimm: Nope.
Ranma: . . . That's it! I'm leaving!
Grimm: But if you stick around I have the magical powers to cure your curse!
Ranma: Why would I want that? After all, when I turn into a girl I can look at myself naked!
Akane: RANMA! You pervert!
Akane chases Ranma around . . . I dunno I guess it's how they show love . . . sick.
To Be-DOH! I said that already!